


Scared Straight

by wicca_folk_nightmare



Category: Tegan and Sara (Band)
Genre: F/F, Quindom, quinlove
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-23
Updated: 2016-01-17
Packaged: 2018-03-19 06:59:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 106,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3600636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wicca_folk_nightmare/pseuds/wicca_folk_nightmare
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After catching her in bed with a woman, Tegan's parents send her to a "correctional" camp for the summer. F/F pairing. TW: Abuse-physical, psychological, possibly sexual.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

 

_2:40_

 

_2:41_

 

_2:42_

 

_2:43_

 

_2:44_

 

…

 

_2:45_

 

_**RIIIIIIIIING!!!!!!!!** _

 

Finally. Fucking finally. High school was over...basically. I mean, I still had to walk the next day, but the complete bullshit part was over. I hate to sound like a walking cliché, but high school was like prison for me, so hearing that bell ring was like finally making parole.

 

Okay, maybe a  _ bit _ of an exaggeration, but my point was still there: high school was fun for no one but the sad people that peak in high school.

 

All I could think about was college and the real world and a future where I got to be myself all the time. Away from my parents who, as basically well-intentioned as they were, weren't exactly what I'd call open minded. For starters, they were ditching me basically the second my graduation ceremony ended to attend a weekend-long church conference about “Protecting Traditional Values.” Needless to say that when I came out (if you could call it that. Really, I only told my friends and never denied it when asked around school), I didn't include my parents in the list of people I told.

 

All I could think about was how I wouldn't have to have that shit affect my life anymore. Outside of lying by omission over the phone and on holidays, I won't have to worry about fake boyfriends or sneaking around with my girlfriend.

 

Speaking of, my girlfriend Lindsey was the only other thing on my mind as soon as the bell rang. Lindsey started working at the coffee shop by my school, and over the course of a couple months, we felt each other out and decided to start dating. It was exciting; I'd never really been with anyone before. Sure, I'd kissed a girl here or there using the excuse of being drunk before I had the nerve to come out, but I'd never had anything as official as a girlfriend.

 

“Hey,” she said, noticing me walk in the door. I sat on the counter and kissed her on the cheek.

 

“Hello, gorgeous,” I said with a smile.

 

She rolled her eyes and lightly nudged me off of the counter. “Well, how's it feel to finally be free?”

 

I sighed. “Like I'm half finished. I wish I didn't even have to walk tomorrow so this could all just be over already.”

 

“Twenty years from now, you'll be looking back on these two days as the best days of your life.”

 

“If that turns out to be true, kill me.”

 

She laughed. “Are you just here to bitch and moan in my general area, or do you have something to say?”

 

“Geez, crabby for someone who has exactly zero customers,” I said, faking offense. I took a deep breath, because I actually was nervous about this part. “I was just wondering...see, my parents are going out of town for the weekend. They won't be back until late Sunday or early Monday. I thought maybe...since on Saturday, you work early and have the night off...”

 

“Why, Tegan, are you inviting me into your bed?” I felt myself blush a little, and Lindsey laughed. “Oh, sweetheart, I'm just kidding.”

 

“I just...I mean, we already had plans to do...” I looked around the empty restaurant, but still refused to say it just in case someone decided to walk in at that exact moment, “...y'know...at the drive-in on grad night, so I figured this was the perfect way to make it special and in a bed and not have my parents interrupt with a phone call asking if I got to the movies okay or if the first movie was good or if anyone had offered me drugs while I was walking to the bathroom.”

 

Lindsey giggled. “You're so cute. You're right, though. Your first time should be special. Candles and cheesy music and all. Anything you want. I'll even buy you beer, if you play your cards right.”

 

“Ha ha ha. Tegan's young. Tegan can't buy alcohol,” I said. “I don't know why I put up with this. “

 

“I do,” she said, before leaning over the counter and kissing me.

 

Yeah, that was a big part of it.

 

I'd kissed a boy all of two times, and both times had felt so...wrong. Wrong on a level I couldn't even describe. It wasn't...unpleasant, per se. Sure, they weren't the best, but I hadn't had any of the truly horrific experiences that my classmates talked about from time to time. It was just so...oddly not for me.

 

The first time I kissed a girl, I finally understood all of the songs about love and want and passion and everything between and beyond. I finally understood why boys were all my friends wanted to talk about, because I wanted to do the same thing about girls. I finally felt like I was speaking a similar language to my classmates, and as I came out to various friends, I found myself being able to be more and more honest...and being able to kiss a few more girls.

 

Lindsey was a very good kisser.

 

Every other girl I'd ever kissed was right around my age, but Lindsey had nine years on me, and she knew what she was doing.

 

She pulled away from me before I could even get into what was happening.

 

“Alright,” she said. “I'll see you at your house on Saturday. Time?”

 

“Any time is fine. My parents will be gone the night before.”

 

“Alright, well, you go get your house all ready for tomorrow, and I'll get myself ready for you,” she said with a wink. Again, I could feel my cheeks turning red.

 

“Yeah, well, don't keep me waiting,” I said with a wink back, and then I quickly walked out before I could think about how stupid what I'd just said had sounded...

 

 

Now that it was Saturday night... _ the night _ ...I was nervous as all hell. This was happening. This was actually happening, and the weight of that hadn't hit me until that moment. I was about to lose my virginity.

 

If I were being honest with myself, that wasn't the main issue. The main issue was that this was Lindsey's first time with a girl, and I didn't want to fuck it up. I wanted my first time to be good, but I had a feeling that for me, that had more to do with who I was with, and I felt great when I was around Lindsey.

 

I'd almost said, “I love you” a handful of times, but I'd always backed out of it at the last minute.

 

For her, I felt like she had expectations. She didn't have experience with girls, but she did with guys, so she knew what it was like to be touched. She knew what felt good...and what didn't. I was terrified that I'd make her hate this.

 

I'd changed outfits and cleaned my house and made sure the food would be delivered on time and every little detail twice over, and I was about to go through a third round of cleaning and re-organizing when I heard the doorbell ring.

 

This was really going to happen.

 

I answered the door, and before I even had a chance to say hello, Lindsey's mouth was on mine. I felt her smiling, and I wrapped my arms around her. After a few seconds she pulled away.

 

“Hey,” I said, catching my breath.

 

“Hi,” she said. “Sorry about that. I'm just really excited about our later activities.”

 

I briefly kissed her again before letting her all the way in the house and closing the door behind her.

 

“How was your day?” I asked.

 

“Same old, same old,” she said, sitting on my couch. “Boss is a bitch, customers are creeps, pay is shit. I've just got one more year, and then I'm finally through with night school and can leave that shit hole.”

 

I sat next to her. “Well, there's pizza and pasta coming in fifteen. I know it's not the most romantic-”

 

“Don't worry about it,” she said. “Pizza's fine. Besides, I don't think I want to overstuff myself. Wouldn't want to slow down...later.”

 

If I'd been drinking water, it would've been all over Lindsey's face right then.

 

“I...um...yeah. That's true. Nothing sexy about a tummy ache.” I closed my eyes and prayed with all of my might that time would reverse itself and I could take that back...or that I could have a heart attack and die on the spot. Either would work.

 

Lindsey just smiled and tucked a piece of hair behind my ear. “I keep telling you that you don't have to be nervous around me, okay? I'll take care of you.”

 

I took a deep breath, then let it out, trying to get my nerves to settle. “I know. I know you will.”

 

We ate dinner mostly in silence. We talked a bit about our day here and there, but I was having a hard time getting out of my head, and I think Lindsey was trying to give me my space. Eventually, there were only so many times I could push the last bite of pie through cherry sauce before it became obvious I was stalling.

 

“Are you ready,” she asked me almost the second I had the piece of pie in my mouth.

 

I chewed, feeling a little more confident because of how obviously impatient Lindsey was to get things started, then nodded. I walked to my room, and she followed, closing the door behind her. We looked at each other for all of two seconds before I grabbed Lindsey's face and kissed her. Her tongue was in my mouth almost immediately, and I had to stop myself from smiling.

 

She broke away to back me up onto the bed and straddle me. She started kissing me again, and my hands immediately went to her ass. She grabbed one hand at put it on her chest, and I moaned. I loved getting to touch her like this, and because we got so little time alone together, there hadn't been very many chances. This was about as far as we'd ever gotten.

 

Then she pulled back and took her shirt off.

 

My mouth went dry. She wasn't wearing a bra...and like a pervert, I couldn't take my eyes off of her. She grabbed my hand and put it back where it had been, and started kissing me again. It was like a completely new experience. I could feel her skin get hotter under my hand...I could feel her nipple get harder...I didn't want to stop kissing her, but I was so tempted just to see her in my hand.

 

Images of where else my hand was going to end up tonight flooded my mind, and I found myself pushing her down on the bed and taking her nipple in my mouth before I could think about what I was doing.

 

“Oh, God,” she said. “Don't stop.”

 

I didn't. I kept my hand wandering up and down her body...through her hair...down her stomach, but stopping short of where she wanted me. I sucked and licked and nipped and kissed her nipples until they couldn't strain any harder, and then I licked them a couple more times just to hear Lindsey whimper out my name.

 

“Please,” she finally said. “Please, just touch me.”

 

I felt myself clam up a little. “I don't...are we there already?”

 

She looked at me. “Tegan, you've been teasing me for the better part of an hour. I'm  _ dying _ .”

 

“I'm not sure I know what to do,” I finally said.

 

“Just do what you want, and I'll tell you where to go, okay? I just need you to touch me right now...”

 

I nodded and helped Lindsey out of the rest of her clothes. She was beautiful, and I felt so lucky in that moment. So lucky to have such a pretty girl begging me to fuck her.

 

I was the virgin, and she was begging me.

 

I reached between her legs for the first time, looking into her eyes. I smiled as her eyes rolled back into her head. I felt around, and Lindsey's moans told me when she liked something and when she didn't. It took a little bit of time for me to settle into a pattern, but I started to rub her clit in tight circles while I kissed her neck.

 

“Tegan,” she moaned. “Go inside me, babe.”

 

I nodded in her neck and pushed inside of her. I'd already realized that I was gay, but if there was any shadow of a doubt left, it was gone in that instant. She tried to keep her eyes open to look at me, but she couldn't manage it for long, and I  _ just _ held back a giggle. I figured out fast that curling my fingers was a good idea, because it made her throat catch. I moved faster and faster inside of her until she was panting.

 

“God, yes!” Lindsey screamed. “God, rub...fuck, just touch my clit! Please!”

 

I pushed my thumb where she asked me to and bit down on her neck, and I felt her clamp down around my fingers. She whimpered and twitched as she came, and I couldn't help but feel a little bit proud of myself...and more than a little bit ready for her to touch me now. I'd been nervous, but after getting to do that to her, I wasn't so afraid anymore.

 

I kept lightly kissing her neck as she came down. She finally pushed me back just enough to kiss me. She pulled back before it could get as heated as I wanted it to.

 

“Wow,” she said, sounding a little out of breath. “That was...surprisingly great.”

 

“Should I be offended?” I asked, laughing a little.

 

“No, it's just that it was your first time...and God, I'm so glad you walked into my shop that day.”

 

I smiled and kissed her again. This time, she didn't push me away. I was really hoping that she didn't try to tease me. My torturing her had also worked me up quite a bit, and making her cum had put me pretty damn close myself.

 

“How did I let you get me naked without you taking off a single piece of clothing?” she asked, sounding a little genuinely surprised.

 

I shrugged. “I think I had your mind on other things.”

 

She rolled her eyes as I smirked. “I'm taking off your clothes, okay?”

 

I nodded, and Lindsey helped me out of everything. I almost felt a little self-conscious, but I took one look at her staring at my chest, and I didn't feel nearly as concerned. She laid me on my back and reached a hand between my legs. I tried to breathe.

 

“Relax, and tell me if you want me to stop,” she said, and I just nodded again. I couldn't think at the moment. I had no idea what Lindsey was doing, but whatever it was felt amazing. She was taking it slow, but building me up at the same time. This felt better than it ever had when I did it to myself. I didn't know if it was because it was my first time, but I couldn't believe that she'd never touched another woman before.

 

“Lindsey,” I moaned as I felt her fingers drop lower. She pulled back to look at me.

 

“Are you ready?” she asked.

 

“Yes,” I said, almost before she had the entire question out of her mouth. She smiled and kept looking at me as she pushed inside.

 

I didn't think I'd ever feel happier than I did right then.

 

She moved with a lot more purpose than I had. She found my spots faster than I had found hers, and I wasn't going to last very long.

 

“God, I love this,” she whispered in my ear.

 

The next thing I knew, I was cumming and screaming, “I love you!”

 

Lindsey kept moving inside of me and kissing my cheeks, and whispering “I love you” in my ear before I got too sensitive and she pulled out of me. I felt tears well up in my eyes, but I didn't let them fall. I didn't want to be the weird chick that cried after sex. She'd said she loved me, too. We'd just made love for the first time, and I couldn't have asked for more.

 

I was exhausted. All I knew before I fell asleep was that I wished this moment never had to end...and that Lindsey was holding me.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

“Wh-what's going on here?!”

 

My mother's voice woke me up harshly the next morning, and Lindsey was already scrambling out of the bed to grab her clothes.

 

“Mom?!” I said, pulling up the blanket. “What-Why are you home?”

 

“Holy shit, I'm so sorry,” Lindsey said, almost fully clothed.

 

My mother ignored her. “I don't think that's the question that needs to be answered right now, Tegan.”

 

“I'm gonna go,” Lindsey said, and I felt panicked.

 

“Wait!” I said. “Don't go yet!”

 

“No, you should get out of my house right now,” my mother almost growled. I've never heard her sound like that.

 

“Honey?” My dad's voice called from down the hall. “Is Tegan okay?”

 

“Just wait out there, sweetheart!” my mother called back before turning to Lindsey. “You will leave. You will NOT come back.”

 

Lindsey looked at me, and I knew she would leave. I couldn't blame her. This was a lot more than she had signed up for. I just hoped that this wouldn't end things between us. We'd just had our first night together...

 

“I'll ca-” she started to say, but my mother attempted to melt her with her eyes. “Good luck, Tegan.”

 

She walked out of my room, and my mother turned to me. Neither of us said anything for a long minute. Finally, tears started to run down her cheeks, and I couldn't look her in the eye. All I could see was disappointment.

 

“Why?” she said, her voice thick. “Why would you do this?”

 

“Because I love her,” I said, and my mother looked shocked.

 

“What are you talking about? How long has this been going on?”

 

“Mom, can I please just put some clothes on-”

 

“How. Long.” She said, talking over me.

 

“Half a year or so with her. A few years with girls in general. Secretly forever.” There was no point in lying about it now.

 

“Why didn't you ever tell us? We could have prayed about it.”

 

I shook my head. “This isn't something that I can change about myself, Mom. I'm sorry.”

 

My mother looked at me for a second more before walking out of my room. I took that moment to quickly throw on some clothes while my mom told my dad what had happened. He marched into the room a second later, furious.

 

“Tell me that your mother misunderstood what you were saying,” he said, getting madder than I'd ever seen him. I loved my mom, but my dad and I were closer. He was always proud of me and always supported me when my mom would be hard on me. This time was going to be different, though. He wasn't going to be on my side this time.

 

“Dad, I wanted to tell you. I've almost told you how I was feeling a thousand times, but I was afraid that you wouldn't accept me.”

 

He sighed. “Tegan, I do accept you, but this isn't you. This is a defect. At the seminar-”

 

“Why did you leave?” I asked.

 

“We were coming home to see you,” my mother said. “We felt guilty for leaving you right after graduation. We didn't think we had to worry about trusting you.”

 

“Your mother and I need to discuss this,” my dad said, looking away from me.

 

“Dad, I'm sorry,” I said. “I wish I could change. I really, really do, but this **is** who I am.”

 

“Stay here,” he said, walking out of the room without another word. My mother followed him. I sat on my bed and tried not to cry. I'd imagined telling my parents about this before. I'd imagined that they would be upset. I'd also not expected them to find out like this...I just hadn't expected them both to look so...disgusted. Like I wasn't me anymore because I wasn't the good little straight girl they'd raised me to be.

 

I couldn't help but think that they were probably regretting the day they signed the adoption papers. If they'd only been able to have one of their own, they wouldn't have had to take in the defected baby. They probably felt I was a punishment from God at this point...I hoped my panic was just making me assume the worst.

 

I had no idea what they were going to do to me. Would they make me go to school in a more conservative area? Would they make me stay close to home? Would they start making plans to marry me off to some nice Christian boy?

 

They walked back into the room, and I felt my heart start racing even faster than it had been.

 

“Tegan...” My father tried to put a sentence together, but he was having trouble. My mom put her hand on his shoulder, and he took a deep breathe. “We love you.”

 

I smiled. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all. “I love you guys, too.”

 

“We are not going to turn our backs on you unless you turn your back on yourself.”

 

I frowned. “What does that mean?”

 

“You have two options. There is a program that your mother knows about that deals with...this problem. One of her friends used it for her son, and he's cured now.”

 

“Wait, cured?” I asked, trying to put the pieces together...while also avoiding what I didn't want it to be.

 

“He was like you,” my mom said. “He had sick thoughts, and the camp-”

 

“Camp?” I said. “Is this...please tell me you aren't sending me away.” My dad stepped forward, but I stood up and walked farther away.

 

“Tegan this is what's best for you. These places know how to help you get better. Help you be normal.”

 

“I don't care about being normal,” I said. “What's the other option?”

 

“What?” My dad asked.

 

“You said there were two options.”

 

My dad shook his head, and my mother spoke up.

 

“If you refuse to go, then we're done. You can't live here. We won't pay for your school. We won't pay for a place for you to live. We won't...” My mother swallowed around the lump in her throat. “We want you to come home, more than anything, but we can't support you if you insist on living in sin.”

 

I felt dizzy. Of all the things I could have thought of, this would have been damn near dead last. I knew that my parents would hate it, but I didn't think they would hate me.

 

“Mom, Dad, you have to think about this. I just graduated from high school. My life...it's just starting. I'm your daughter, for Christ's sake!”

 

“You will NOT use the Lord's name, and you will do as we say or you WILL leave and never speak to us again!”

 

The room was silent for a few moments. I finally shook my head.

 

“Fine, then I'll leave.”

 

I ran past my parents and out of the house. I heard my dad call after me, but I ignored him. It wasn't like I'd be talking to them much anyway. At least not until they got used to this.

 

I walked. At first, I didn't have much of a direction, but I knew that eventually, I'd end up at Lindsey's place. Once she knew what my parents were trying to do, she'd let me stay with her until I found a job and figured things out.

 

I got to her apartment and knocked on the door. She answered with a smile, but her face immediately dropped when she saw it was me.

 

“Tegan,” she said, shocked. “What're you doing here?”

 

“My parents are freaking out about everything!”

 

She shushed me. “I know that, but I figured we'd just lay low until they calmed down or stopped caring or you moved out. I was going to call you later.”

 

She seemed like she was trying to hurry me off, but I needed her. I made a mental note to apologize later.

 

“No, this isn't normal freaking out. This is, 'We're shipping you off to pray-away-the-gay camp' freaking out.”

 

Lindsey's eyes went wide. “Oh my God, are you okay?”

 

“I'm fine, I just...I need to stay with you for a while.” Lindsey tried to jump in, but I kept going. “I'm not trying to move in or anything. I just don't really have anywhere else to stay. I'd leave as soon as I can-”

 

“Tegan, you can't stay here,” she said, and I felt like she'd slapped me in the face.

 

“What? Can't we just talk about this?” I tried to go into her apartment, but she blocked my way. “What the hell is going on?”

 

“You can't go in there,” she said, looking at the floor. “My boyfriend is still in bed.”

 

Another kick to the stomach.

 

“You have a...” I couldn't even say it.

 

“I should have told you from the beginning,” she said. “I just wasn't expecting this with you, okay? I really have never been with a woman. I never thought we'd be anything more than some flirting here and there, but then things got more serious, and the time to tell you about everything sort of just passed.”

 

“So you just didn't say anything at all?” I asked, angrily. “You just kept lying to me...and him?”

 

“We have an open relationship, as long as we both come home to each other.”

 

“What about last night?” I asked. “You didn't come home, then.”

 

“He knew where I was. He doesn't know the details, but he knew I was out with someone else.”

 

I shut my eyes tight. “You said you loved me. You touched me, and you told me that you loved me.”

 

“I do love you, Tegan. I care about you so much, and you're the only woman I ever see myself with, but let's be honest. You were leaving for school, and I was staying here. It was only a matter of time-”

 

“So you love me, and you care about me, but you aren't in love with me,” I said, defeated.

 

“Oh, sweetheart, did you think...” She sighed. “Sometimes I forget how young you are.”

 

She reached out to put her hand on my shoulder, and I pushed it away.

 

“Don't do that. Don't touch me.”

 

“Trust me, when you're older, you'll understand that love isn't quite as simple as we're told it is when we're kids. This will get easier. Eventually, you realize that not everyone has to be your soul mate. I wish I could help you with your parents, though, but I don't know if there's anything I can do.” She looked back inside the house. “I'm sorry, but you have to go. He and I have a strict rule to keep 'us' time about us. If he sees you, he won't be happy.”

 

“I...” I couldn't even speak.

 

She kissed my forehead. “I'm so sorry, Tegan. You didn't deserve this.” With that, she went back inside of her house.

 

I just stared at the door in disbelief. I couldn't believe that this day was true. Not long ago, the girl in front of me had been holding me in her arms, and now, she has a boyfriend. My parents and I had normal parent/teenager problems, and now they were sending me away to get brainwashed.

 

What the hell was I going to do? I didn't really have any family around here that wouldn't turn their backs on me for being gay. I had friends, but not the type I could move in with. Lindsey had been my sure bet...but now that was over, and I felt broken.

 

I just needed to get away. Away from this place and my parents and  _ fucking Lindsey.  _ I needed to get through college, so I didn't have to live a lie anymore...I needed my parents to be able to do any of that.

 

I figured...it was better to pretend to want to change and have my parents financial support. I could fake it for them, then come out once I didn't need them anymore. Besides, it was only for the summer. It wasn't like I really had anyone I wanted to spend that time with, now. It would be incredibly hard listening to the bullshit they would be spewing, but it was better than the alternative.

 

I was back at home faster than I thought I would be. My mother and father were waiting for me when I walked in the door.

 

“What do you have to say for yourself?” my dad spat at me, still refusing to look at my face.

 

“Okay,” I said. “I'll go.”

 


	3. Chapter 3

It didn't really hit me until we were almost to the camp. After everything that had happened with Lindsey (it still hurt to think about her...and I couldn't stop thinking about her), I'd gone numb to everything else. It wasn't until the GPS told us that we were nearing our destination that I really started to panic. What had I agreed to? Was there really no other option for me to take? Was this really happening to me? My heart felt like it would break out of my chest at any moment.

 

We pulled into the parking lot, and for a moment, my fears subsided. Log cabins...a lake...trees everywhere...tents set up with arts and crafts...camp counselors scattered around...it felt so much like being a kid again. I remembered the first time I went to camp...I'd held my parents and begged them not to make me go. I'd loved them so much, and I couldn't imagine spending an entire  _ two weeks _ away from them, but they'd told me that I'd have fun, and they were right.

 

Many summer camps followed. Every year it got easier and easier for me to part with my parents, but a lot of the other kids never stopped crying. Some of them held it in better, just letting a tear or two drop, but a few kids still bawled their eyes out. It weirdly made me smile...it was all just a part of camp, and usually, those kids were the ones that ended up having the most fun.

 

As I got out of my car, I saw a boy around my age, tears streaming down his face.

 

“Please!” he yelled. “I told you I was sorry! I promise never to do it again!”

 

“Quiet down!” an older man, I assume his father, said as he yanked his son's arm. “I'm embarrassed enough to be here as it is.”

 

“Then take me home!” he cried. “You don't have to do this!”

 

His father dragged him into a building without another word, and I felt my stomach drop.

 

This wasn't going to be how it had been when I was a kid. That boy was crying because he'd miss his father and family, but his father wasn't soothing him with promises that he would be back soon. No, “I love you” or “It'll only be for a little while. You'll have fun!” Everyone knew that this place wasn't for fun.

 

Suddenly, everything seemed fake. The people here weren't going to teach us how to swim or draw or cook...they were going to try to trick us into being what they deemed acceptable. They were trying to drop our defenses and win our trust by making it seem like they were on our side, when really, they were trying to brainwash us.

 

I now felt stupid for ever thinking that high school was a prison.

 

“Hello, there!” a cheery woman, looked mid-thirties, greeted us. “Are you having any trouble finding your way around?”

 

“Actually, yes,” my mother said. “We're...we're here for our daughter to get help.”

 

It took everything in me to hold back the eye roll I wanted to do in response to the woman's pained and sympathetic expression towards my parents.

 

“Don't worry. There's nothing to be embarrassed about. All of us have our issues.” She looked at me with the same look in her eyes. Pity. “Some of us just have heavier crosses to bear.”

 

Had the smiles on the faces of the counselors I'd had as a kid been that forced?

 

“What's your name?” she asked me, and I didn't answer.

 

“Tegan,” my mom said. “Her name is Tegan.”

 

“Don't be rude,” my dad said to me. “These people are trying to help.”

 

I had to keep telling myself to be calm. Not to engage. I couldn't listen to their bullshit for much longer without flying off the handle and getting kicked out on my first day, so I checked out of the conversation completely.

 

I looked at the other people outside that weren't working for the camp. Some were surprisingly young...maybe 14? A few looked to be in their early twenties. Most looked to be around my age. The one common thread was that everyone looked miserable. It was in varying degrees, but there was that same look of hopelessness in all of their eyes. I was sure the same look was on my own.

 

Scanning my eyes across the people, I noticed a girl looking straight at me. It was unnerving for a moment, having some random stare at me, but the more I looked at her, the more I found myself doing the same thing to her. There was something about her...well, she was beautiful. I couldn't make out a lot of the details from far away...fair skin...hair longer than mine...small, much mike myself, but she seemed even smaller...but it was more than just the way she looked.

 

I wondered who she was and why she was staring at me so intensely. I wondered how she'd ended up here. Had she come out to her parents, and they hadn't taken it well? Had she been caught like me?

 

I wondered if I'd get to know these things about her. I wondered if she'd like to know things about me.

 

I wondered why she was looking at me that way. I wondered why I cared so much.

 

“Tegan!” my dad snapped, and I quickly looked back at him.

 

“I'm sorry,” I mumbled. “I just-” I looked back to where the girl had been, but she was gone. I shook my head. “Nothing.”

 

My dad sighed. “Tegan, please. Try to fix this. We love you. We want our little girl back.”

 

I closed my eyes and tried to hold back tears. Every time I heard him say he loved me, it sounded like a lie now.

 

“Okay,” I finally said. “I'll try.”

 

Both of my parents smiled and grabbed me into a group hug. I barely hugged back.

 

“Heather is going to help you to your cabin,” my mother said. It took me a moment to realize that Heather was the camp counselor that my parents had been talking to while I'd been off in my own world.

 

“We'll come to visit when we can,” my dad said.

 

I realized that this was them saying goodbye, and I didn't know how to feel. Part of me wanted to cry and beg them to take me home, like that boy had, but part of me wanted them to leave. I couldn't take them not being able to look me in the eye anymore.

 

“I'll see you then,” I finally said with a smile that I was sure wasn't convincing anyone. They hugged me again, and then they left with a wave and some kisses blown out the window. It was immature, but I really wanted to slap the imaginary kisses to the ground and stomp on them just to see the looks on their faces.

 

“Well, hello, Tegan!” Heather said, taking some of my bags and starting to walk off already. I quickly followed as she kept talking. “Welcome to Exodus! Know that you're in a safe place and that no one is trying to hurt you. We're just trying to help you with a problem.”

 

“What if I don't think it's a problem?” I said defiantly.

 

“Not thinking it's a problem is just another part of the problem,” she said. “Don't worry. A lot of people who enter this program can't see the truth until almost the very end. You'll get there.”

 

I wanted to gag.

 

“There are a few rules,” she went on. “No drugs or alcohol, no violence of any kind, curfew is at 8, and absolutely no sexual intercourse of any kind. Getting caught with someone of the opposite sex usually means your privileges get taken away. Homosexual misconduct has more severe consequences.”

 

“Like what?”

 

“Depends on the severity of the misconduct. Let's just not find out, okay?” she said, stopping in front of a cabin. “Alright! This is you! There isn't anything set up for tonight, since most people are coming in tomorrow, and it's already almost curfew, so you can just get settled and hit the hey! Your bunk mate is Sara Miller. She's checked in, so she's probably inside already.”

 

Heather opened the door, and I saw someone sitting at a desk, back facing the door.

 

“Hello?” I said, as I walked in, and the girl turned around. Her eyes went wide, and after only a second, I realized who she was.

 

She was the girl from outside. The one who had been staring at me.

 

“Good, you are here!” Heather said, getting the girl's... _Sara's..._ attention. “Sara, this is Tegan Quin.”

 

Sara just turned her attention back to me, and I started to feel a little self conscious. Why was she looking at me like that?

 

“Hello,” I finally said, sticking my hand out in front of me. “It's nice to meet you.”

 

That seemed to make her snap out of it. She stood up and took my hand. Her hands were small and soft. I felt oddly warm, just holding her hand like this, even if it was just a handshake. We were looking at each other again, and this time, I could really see her face. I'd thought she was beautiful before, but being able to see her up close like this made me realize that I'd been selling her short. She was stunning...gorgeous in the effortless way I occasionally wished I could be, but I was too rough around the edges. Just the way she was looking at me was sexy, and I wasn't even sure what that look meant.

 

I knew that I'd never wanted anyone on first meeting as much as I wanted Sara right then. Not even Lindsey. Sure, I'd entertained the idea when we'd first started flirting, but it was more like a, “She seems like she's good in bed” type of thing. This...this was something entirely different. Just having her hand touching mine was making my face heat up. I felt like if I ever got to touch her,  _ really _ touch her, it would sate a hunger that I hadn't even known I had.

 

I needed to have her in some way. At the very least, she could help take my mind off of Lindsey...

 

I realized I'd been holding her hand for a lot longer than a normal person would, so I let it go. She looked at me for a moment longer before something in her eyes changed. She turned to Heather.

 

“I was told she wouldn't be coming until tomorrow,” Sara said, a harshness in her voice that I didn't imagine her having.

 

Heather shrugged. “Her parents decided to drop her off a little early.”

 

“Yeah, the sooner they could abandon their defective daughter, the better,” I said with a smirk, but Sara didn't seem amused.

 

“I'll just let you two get to know each other!” Heather said, probably sensing the tension that had suddenly set in. “Remember the rules, and don't forget that orientation is bright and early tomorrow morning!”

 

Heather left us on our own. Sara started to walk back to the desk, but I spoke up.

 

“So...weird that they would pair up a bunch of gay kids with other gay kids. Seems like this is the only occasion where opposite sex bunk mates makes sense.”

 

Sara shook her head. “We're supposed to help each other. We both know how hard this is.”

 

I scoffed. “Yeah. Right. And I suppose we can braid each other's hair and talk about boys that we don't wanna fuck.”

 

“You shouldn't be joking about this,” Sara said, angrily.

 

“Why not? This is all a joke, anyway,” I said, stepping a little closer to her. “You don't have to act like that around me.” I put my hand on her arm, and she slapped it away.

 

“What are you doing?” she said, taking a step back. “Get away from me.”

 

“Hey, I'm just saying what we're all thinking. I mean, it's not like any of us can change-”

 

“Why are you here if you don't think we can change?” she asked, cutting me off.

 

“My parents made me come. I didn't have another choice. I figured that's why everyone ended up here. Well, besides the religious kooks that think they can actually change.”

 

I looked at Sara, and for a moment, she looked embarrassed, before she covered it up with even more anger.

 

“For your information, Tegan,” hearing her say my name sent a jolt up my spine, especially with the way she spit it out. “Some people chose to be here because they're sick of living with this burden, and it's disrespectful of you to take away from this experience for them...for me.”

 

I rolled my eyes. “You can't be serious. Do you know the success rate of these places? It's pretty much non-existent. You can't change who you are.”

 

“This isn't who we are,” she said. “This is what our sin has turned us into. It's a reflection of what society is telling us is okay, when we should be following the instructions of our Savior.”

 

I was shocked. “Do you even hear yourself right now? You sound like an idiot.”

 

The look she gave me made my heart stop. I knew that I should probably be afraid that I'd pushed her too far...or at the very least, annoyed that she was getting so upset about something so stupid, but all I could do was try to think of ways to push her farther. There was something dangerous in her eyes, and I wanted to know what would happen if she let out whatever it was that she was holding back.

 

I didn't know why. I think a part of me did, but that part of me was refusing to communicate with my brain, so I couldn't put it together.

 

Before Sara could lose her cool, she shut her eyes and took a few deep breaths.

 

“I'm asking for a bunk transfer tomorrow morning,” she said before turning away from me and crawling into her bed.

 

“Fine,” I said. “I don't give a flying fuck what you do.”

 

I threw myself into my own bed, not even bothering to change. Who the fuck did Sara Miller think she was? Yes, she was the most gorgeous thing I'd ever laid my eyes on, and she was already making me feel things, but that didn't make up for the fact that she was a total, close-minded, self-hating bitch.

 

Of course, none of that changed the dampness that I could feel between my legs. Of course I was super attracted to one of the only people that was actually here to “get better.” I reminded myself that she'd be out of my bunk and no longer my concern the next day, and I went to sleep.

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

 

When I woke up the next morning, Sara was already gone. I couldn't say I was surprised; she'd made it very clear the night before that she didn't want anything to do with me. Still, a part of me felt...something. Was it disappointment? That couldn't be it. Why would I be disappointed that that bitch decided to relieve me of the misery I would have no doubt faced having to room with her?

 

It was probably less my head and more my...other parts that wanted Sara to stick around for just a little while longer. I took comfort in the fact that I'd probably be able to watch her from afar without having to deal with her every day. Starting something with her would probably be more trouble than it was worth.

 

I got out of bed, threw on some clothes (I'd pretty much only packed t-shirts and jeans. It's not like I was looking to impress), and walked to the orientation hall. I saw Sara, seated near the front, pen and paper in her lap, ready and eager to take notes. I shook my head and took a seat near the back as far away from everyone else (especially her) as possible.

 

“Welcome, campers!” a man said from the front of the room. “This is Exodus, and I'm Joe, your head counselor. I'd like to say first and foremost: this is a safe place. I'm sure that you've all heard the horror stories of these camps, but I can assure you that nothing will happen to you here. See, we understand that this is an affliction, a problem that has a solution. We know...because we've all been there just like you guys. Look at the counselors around you. Look at me. We've all recovered from the same thing that you all are currently battling. We've all gone on to live normal lives, free of the thoughts that once plagued us. In fact, many of us are married with children!

 

“We know that the key to helping you change isn't angrily screaming at you or hitting you. We just need to give you the tools to help yourselves. I'm sure some of you are convinced that you aren't really gay. That you were just trying out something new. Others of you might think that you're fine the way you are, and that's okay. Lots of people like to ignore or accept the worst part of themselves, because it seems easier than facing it head on and fixing it. I can assure you that all that does is cause you pain. Don't hurt yourselves; help yourselves!”

 

Listening to this guy and the other counselors talk was like listening to a walking brochure. Safe place. No judgment. Help us help you! I sighed and felt myself looking at the front row. Sara was writing in her lap, no doubt taking notes and smiling at the thought of her future recovery. Maybe she'd end up working here like these saps.

 

The thought made me oddly sad, but I shook it off.

 

“Remember, though, that you won't be in this alone. In addition to me and the many other counselors around camp, you'll have each other. You all want, or will want, eventually, to get better, and you all should want to help each other do the same. That's why your cabin mate will now be your new best friend! You'll form a partnership of understanding and support. You'll go through all of your therapy, as well as many of the fun activities that we've got set up, together. You'll help each other stay strong when you're feeling weak, and I'm sure that you'll come away with a life-long friend.”

 

I rolled my eyes. That was just about the most counter-productive plan I'd ever heard. Of course, it really didn't matter to me. All I could think was how glad I was that Sara was getting a bunk transfer. Maybe I'd end up with someone more like me...someone who knew this was all bullshit and didn't think that if you just wished  _ really hard, _ God would take the “bad thoughts” away.

 

Maybe I'd end up with someone that was willing to fool around a little. It would at least take my mind off of things...and it's not like I was saving it anymore anyways.

 

I had to let go of that. Bigger things were happening than my girlfriend dumping me after my first time.

 

I tuned back into orientation.

 

“Breakfast is from 8 to 9, followed by prayer and reflection in the chapel. On Mondays and Wednesdays, we have group therapy after that, but on Tuesdays and Thursdays, we have Arts and Crafts for the girls and organized sports for the boys.”

 

I was starting to get a headache from the amount of eye-rolling I was doing.

 

“After that is lunch, followed by free time. Once a week, during this time, you'll have individual evaluations with an assigned camp counselor, and we'll have some other fun things planned for some of those days and on the weekends. The time and day schedule for each of your individual meetings will be posted by the end of the day, and this whole schedule stars up tomorrow.

 

“For the rest of today, though, I want you to get to know each other. Really talk, because you'll be seeing a lot of everyone around you for quite a while. I especially want you to get to know your cabin mates, and form a bond that isn't based on perversion, but on trust. I wish you all the best of luck, and I'll see you guys around!”

 

With a wave, he left the stage, and several people (mostly the other counselors) clapped.

 

I spent part of my day desperately trying to avoid everyone, hoping that nobody would even bother approaching me to talk. When that only seemed to attract the attention of the counselors, I decided to try to mingle a little more.

 

I hated doing this. Small talk had never been my forte, but it was especially difficult with these people. Most of them were extremely bitter that they had to be here, not even thinking of the fact that most of the other people there were going through the exact same thing they were going through. It was like everyone was against them, including the other kids, and they weren't interested in making friends.

 

Other kids were nicer, but for the most part, they were the types that were trying to talk themselves into thinking this could actually work. Not like Sara had been...she seemed to really believe that this stuff would help. No, these people would repeat all of the slogans and say all of the prayers, knowing that it wouldn't do anything, but really hoping that it would.

 

Speaking of Sara, I hadn't seen her since orientation. I couldn't help but look for her amongst the small group of campers and counselors. How the hell had she gotten out of this stupid meet-and-greet? She was probably busy moving all of her stuff out of the cabin. Knowing that bitch, she was actually making them move me into some shitty cabin on the edge of the campground.

 

I started to walk back to my cabin, bored with talking, and wondering if Sara would be moving her things, when Heather walked over to me.

 

“Where are you off to?” she said, bounce in her step as she approached me. “There are still plenty of people to meet!”

 

I took a deep breath. I tried to focus on the fact that I could have ended up somewhere much worse, but looking in Heather's grinning face was already starting to make me lose it.

 

“I'm looking for my bunk mate,” I said. “She's been gone for a while. I think she might have said something about not feeling well and going back to the cabin.”

 

“Oh, okay,” she said. “Do you want me to go with you?”

 

I shook my head. “I think I can manage, thanks.”

 

“Are you sure? If she's sick, she'll need one of us to get her to the first aid tent.”

 

I shook my head. “I don't think it's anything that serious.” I just wanted her to leave me alone. If Sara was already gone, I was hoping I could just hide out in my room for the rest of the night. The less time I had to spend with everyone, the better.

 

She finally seemed to take the hint. “Okay, but grab me if you need any help!”

 

I just walked away without responding. My patience for dealing with people was just about gone for the day.

 

When I got back to the cabin, Sara was sitting at the desk again.

 

“I thought you'd be gone,” I said. “Or at least packing.”

 

She was silent for a moment before speaking quietly, not turning around. “They didn't grant my transfer.”

 

I groaned. “Seriously? Why not?”

 

“They said that I was exactly what you needed,” she said, speaking up a bit. “Since you don't think you have a problem, and since I'm determined to change, they said that I could help you through this journey. They said that in helping you, I would help myself.”

 

She was still facing away from me, flicking through the pages of a book.

 

A bible.

 

Of course.

 

“Well, I wouldn't recommend that you waste your time trying to 'help' me,” I said, sitting down on my bed. I really didn't want to spend the rest of this time with her. I was already thinking about her way too much...it wasn't normal to think this much about someone that you didn't like from nearly the moment you met them.

 

“I wasn't planning on it,” she said. “This can't be God's plan for me.”

 

I wasn't usually this outspoken against religious types. I'd always faked being one of them for the sake of my parents, so I knew that a lot of them were good people that just believed...all that. Sara, though...I just couldn't let it go with her.

 

“I don't know,” I said. “Maybe God planned for us to meet. Maybe I'm your grand mission.”

 

“Stop it,” she said, still flipping pages. Still not bothering to look at me. I pushed harder.

 

“Then again, maybe I'm a test. Maybe I'm here to make you get so fed up that you want to quit the program and go on with your life of sin.”

 

“Shut up, Tegan.” She flipped through a few more pages. She wasn't even reading anything. She was just ignoring me.

 

“Or maybe I'm here to tempt you,” I said, standing up and getting closer to her. “Maybe the devil sent me here to break you and get you to touch your-”

 

“I said shut up!” she yelled, finally getting to her feet and facing me. Her eyes were red, like she'd been crying...for a while.

 

“Sara, I-”

 

“No, stop talking,” she said. “You're not here to get better. You're right that trying to help you would be a waste of time. You don't want to be fixed. I do. I want to be the way God intended. I want Him to love me again. I want...” she stopped for a second. I could see her trying to keep more tears from falling. “I want my mother and father to love me again. I want them to not have to be disgusted by me anymore.”

 

“That's their problem, not yours,” I said. Suddenly, I wanted Sara to know there wasn't anything wrong with her.

 

“You're not helping!” She wasn't so close that I felt the need to take a step back, but she was just inside of my personal bubble. “You're making this so much harder for me. I just want to get better. My parents and I...we've tried everything we can think of. They won't be able to put up with me for much longer.”

 

“I...” I wanted to keep telling her that this was all wrong and she didn't need to change, but just looking at her...just getting a quick picture of her parents from her outburst, I knew that she wouldn't hear it. I knew I'd just end up hurting her more. “Look, if you need a...partner through this, I can be that for you. I don't want to make this any harder for you than it already will be.”

 

She eyed me up and down, and I had to concentrate to keep myself from breathing a little heavier.

 

“You're lying,” she finally said.

 

“I'm not,” I said back. “I promise.”

 

She looked me over a couple more times before taking a step back, and all of the muscles in my body relaxed just a bit.

 

“Thank you,” she said, a tear sliding down her cheek. Without thinking, I went to wipe it away. I don't even know why I did it. It's not something I did often...or ever. I just felt bad for her. She really thought there was something wrong with her. Her parents clearly played a part in her thinking that. I just wanted her to feel better...to know that there was someone that didn't think she was corrupted.

 

It was in that moment that I realized that I hadn't thought about Lindsey nearly as much that day...because I'd been too busy thinking about Sara.

 

I didn't really have a chance to think about what that meant. The second my thumb touched her skin, she slapped my hand away, like she had the night before when I'd touched her arm. It bothered me a lot more this time.

 

“What the hell?” I asked, a little pissed off. “I was just trying to be nice.”

 

“Do you think I'm stupid?” she said. “You don't think I know your type?”

 

“My type?” I asked with a bitter laugh. “What the fuck is my type?”

 

“All you want to do is violate me,” she spat out. “Sweet talk me into your bed and leave me like the dozens of other girls that came before me.”

 

I narrowed my eyes at her. She was completely wrong...except for the part about me wanting her in my bed. “You don't know anything about me.”

 

“I know enough.”

 

That did it.

 

“You know what? You're right. I thought I'd do you the favor of being another notch on my headboard, but now I know you're not even worth the time. To think that for a second I felt sorry for you.”

 

So I lied. I wasn't about to let her know what had really happened.

 

Her fists balled at her sides. “I believe you were saying that we'll be fine as long as we stay out of each other's way, isn't that right?”

 

I wanted to keep fighting. I wanted to tell her off or scream that that's not what I'd said at all or hit her or...something, but I knew it wouldn't help, so I just said, “Right.”

 

She sat down again, going back to flipping through the pages of her bible, occasionally stopping to take a note.

 

I left the room, changed and got ready for bed, and tried to listen to music.

 

Sara flipping through her bible kept distracting me out of the corner of my eye. Even when I closed my eyes, I knew she was sitting there, flipping through the pages. It finally started to get dark, and I decided to just go to sleep...except I couldn't, because I could still hear the pages of Sara's bible...the scratching of her pencil while she took her stupid notes.

 

I wanted to grab the book and throw it as far as I could into the middle of the trees. Better yet, into the middle of the lake. I wanted to flip through every one of those pages and rip them out one by one in front of her and tell her that everything she'd ever been told her whole life was a lie.

 

I'd never quite hated anyone the way that I hated Sara Miller.

 


	5. Chapter 5

The first day of camp, Sara and I started the day by trying desperately to avoid each other. We were successful through the early morning and breakfast, even silently timing our dressing and eating time so we had to spend the absolute least amount of time together that we could, but assigned seating at the chapel had us sitting next to each other for the entire service. It was nice that we didn't have to speak, but I still couldn't help but be annoyed. An hour in, and we were already being forced together.

 

Group therapy was a lot worse.

 

“Alright, I want you all to take a seat,” Joe said from the center of the group. “Any seat you'd like.”

 

Sara and I sat just far enough that we weren't near each other, but just close enough that we couldn't see each other across the circle.

 

“Today, we're going to talk about why we're here. Don't be afraid to be as honest as possible. We've all had our troubles with unnatural homosexual urges. We'll go by volunteer first, then we'll finish up around the room. Everyone will get the chance to share their hardship.”

 

I held in the groan I felt in the back of my throat. This was going to be torture.

 

A few kids volunteered their stories. Most were pretty tame. Their parents caught them kissing someone, or watching the wrong kind of porn. A few kids had more interesting stories; one kid got caught giving his boyfriend head behind the bleachers at a football game. One girl got caught in bed with her new step mother during her first week back home for summer.

 

Then the volunteers ran out, and there were only a few of us left. Joe started going around to those of us who hadn't spoken, asking questions.

 

_How did you end up here?_

 

_How long have these urges been happening to you?_

 

_Have you ever acted on these urges?_

 

I felt extremely uncomfortable. I tried to tune everyone out, feeling like I was invading their personal thoughts, when Joe got to Sara. I leaned over a little to look at her while she spoke. Despite the fact that we didn't get along, I still found myself wanting to get to know more about her. This was about my only chance, since we'd agreed to avoid each other.

 

“Hello...” He hesitated.

 

“Sara,” she said with a smile.

 

What the fuck was that?

 

Two days. We'd been interacting for two days, and I hadn't seen her smile before that moment. We had that weird staring match from across camp, but since I'd walked into the cabin, she'd been glaring at me. Why did he get a smile? Was he special? Did everyone get smiles but me?

 

“I  _ hate _ her,” I said under my breath, trying to drown out the voice in my head that said this was so elementary school...

 

“Hello, Sara,” Joe said, smiling back at her. “How are you today?”

 

She let out a nervous laugh, and I felt myself smirk. I leaned over a little farther to get a better look at her.

 

“I guess I'm a little nervous,” she said. “I wanted to volunteer to speak, but...”

 

He put his hand on her shoulder. “It's okay. Everyone goes at their own pace, as long as we all reach the finish line together.”

 

I held back the comment on the tip of my tongue of how that meant we didn't all get to go at our own pace...sometimes it was better for me to keep my mouth shut. Besides, I'd promised her that I wouldn't get in the way of her experience at camp.

 

“Why are you here?” Joe asked.

 

“I found this place through a sister church of my own.”

 

“Why not your own?” he asked, and she hesitated.

 

“It's my father's church,” she said. “He wants to take more...extreme methods. I wanted to try this first.”

 

“Places like that sometimes do more harm than good,” Joe said, nodding. “How long have these thoughts been plaguing you?”

 

“I don't know, exactly,” she said. “Years, at least. Sometimes I feel like they've always been there.”

 

“And have you ever acted on them?” he asked. She blushed, and I was flooded with images of Sara, on her back, naked, legs spread open, begging some girl to  _ please go lower... _

 

“There's nothing to be ashamed of,” Joe went on, knocking me out of my head, bringing my attention back to Sara. I could feel my face turning red, and I hoped she didn't notice. “Have you and your parents talked about this?”

 

“No,” she answered, almost before the question was out of his mouth. “My parents know about my deviancy, and they've tried to help me...that's enough for now.”

 

“I understand, but I encourage you to be honest with your parents. Communicate with them. Trust their judgment. Like you said, they just want to help.”

 

Sara looked at the ground. “I know. I just...get afraid sometimes.”

 

Joe laughed. “Don't be silly. They want what's best for you.”

 

Sara looked up, and I could see the panic in her eyes...she was afraid of her parents. I didn't want to think about what they must be like to make her face look like that. Sure, she was a bitch, but nobody deserved...whatever had happened to Sara from their parents.

 

I spoke up before I realized what I was doing.

 

“Maybe they don't know what's best for her,” I said, and Joe turned to me.

 

“I'm sorry?” he said, fake smile still in place.

 

“I said maybe she shouldn't tell her parents everything. Maybe honesty isn't always the best policy.”

 

“See, it's thinking like this that got you where you are right now,” he said to me. “Living a lie isn't the answer.”

 

I snorted at the irony. “You know what? I volunteer to talk.”

 

Joe looked surprised, but said, “Alright. What's on your mind, camper?”

 

“What's on my mind is that telling us to be honest with our parents without knowing our home situations is bullshit.”

 

“Um,” Joe looked from side to side nervously. “I have to ask you to watch your language.”

 

“Why? I'm just trying to be the most honest me that I can be.” I gave him a fake smile of my own.

 

Joe sighed. “I understand. You're at that age where Mom and Dad are the enemy, but God says to honor thy mother and father-”

 

“What if my mother and father threw me in the street once they knew the truth?” I asked. “What if they didn't love me anymore? What if they tried to hurt me? Should I honor them with the truth then?”

 

“Yes, some parents have extreme reactions to hearing bad news, but they're acting out of love.”

 

“So slapping the teeth out of someone's mouth is love now?”

 

“Your parents love you all,” Joe said, turning slightly away from me and addressing the whole circle.

 

“How can they love us if they threw us here?” I all but spat.

 

Joe shook his head. “I understand the anger. You feel abandoned and confused, but by the end of all of this, you'll see that your parents just want the real you back, and to be rid of the sin.”

 

“Loving someone isn't a sin just because they happen to be the same gender as you.”

 

“And has your love worked for you?” he asked me. “Or has the person that led you down this path now turned their back on you?”

 

I thought of Lindsey, and I clenched my jaw.

 

“No one led me down anything, and having a shitty ex isn't exclusive to gay people.”

 

“But you'll never be able to have a good relationship...a  _ real _ relationship until you're able to appreciate the things that normal relationships provide. Safety and inner peace and-”

 

“Orgasms?” I asked. “Because I get plenty of orgasms out of my current arrangement. Sometimes more than one in a go, if I'm lucky.”

 

Joe turned bright red, and a few of the other kids snickered under their breaths. I looked over at Sara, and her face was red, too. At first, I figured that it was just because she was embarrassed. She'd probably scold me later for my language...if she even bothered to speak to me at all.

 

She noticed me looking at her, and her cheeks turned redder. Suddenly, I couldn't help but wonder if maybe she hadn't simply been shocked by my words. Maybe...maybe they'd inspired thoughts in her that she was desperately trying to push away.

 

Eventually, she looked away, trying to seem irritated. I tried to catch her eye again, but that just led her to turn her head even further away. I just shook my head; I shouldn't have been bothered by her attitude. She obviously didn't want anything to do with me (even though I was fairly sure she wanted me, too), but I was just so...drawn to her somehow. I couldn't leave her alone, even though it's all I wanted to do.

 

It was annoying.

 

I turned my attention back to Joe when he started speaking, “I think maybe someone else should share, now. Thank you, Tegan, and I hope we're able to help you find peace with yourself and God.”

 

“Fuck off,” I said under my breath, but Joe caught it.

 

“Who's bunkmate is this?” he asked, and I could see Sara sink in her seat. “Come on, you're not in trouble. No one is in trouble.”

 

Finally, after a couple of awkward minutes, and a promise from Joe that he would just check the cabin roster, Sara rose her hand.

 

“Ah, yes,” he said, smiling. “I understand your request for a transfer, now, but I think this is more than enough proof that she needs your strength. Why don't you two sit next to each other?”

 

We both immediately started shaking our heads and saying no.

 

“It's probably best if we stay separated for this,” I said.

 

“For everything,” Sara threw in. “I need this to work.”

 

“You know, as important as it is to get you guys to have healthy relationships with the opposite sex, it's just as important that you learn friendship with same-sex partners.”

 

“I understand that,” Sara said.

 

“I don't,” I said with a laugh.

 

“BUT-” Sara cut back in, “I could get that experience with another partner.”

 

“Sara, it's not often that we have people come here all on their own.” Joe put his hand on her shoulder. “I think it shows your strength. You'll be able to get through this, and you'll be able to help...Tegan, is it?”

 

“Again, fuck off,” I replied.

 

He quickly turned back to Sara. “You'll be able to help Tegan. Can't you see that all that anger is a cry for help? A hand reaching out for friends that she probably doesn't have?”

 

I bit my tongue. I had to literally bite my tongue.

 

“I...guess I can see your point,” she said, quietly.

 

Joe's smile was back in full force. “You just need to believe in yourself, Sara. Believe in yourself, and you'll be able to save the both of you. Now, why don't you take a seat next to Tegan?”

 

Sara only hesitated for a second before moving over. With the attention finally off of us, Sara leaned over to me.

 

“This doesn't change anything,” she whispered to me, then turned away.

 

I rolled my eyes and leaned into her. I was so close, I could feel her shiver when my breath hit her ear. “Of course it doesn't.”

 

I stayed there for a second. Her breathing was shallow. She was staring straight forward, obviously trying to keep herself from staring at me.

 

I pulled away with a satisfied smirk.

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

We'd assumed that lunch and free time would be easier, but the counselors wouldn't let us be on our own. At first, I'd tried to make small talk with a few of the other kids, but that got depressing fast, so I went back to my cabin. Sara walked in not a minute behind me. We looked at each other, but didn't say anything as I laid down and read, and she sat at the desk and looked at the stupid bible.

 

Day two was just about the same, except instead of being forced to talk about our most intimate thoughts, we were being forced into gluing and painting shit. We were put in pairs by cabin number.

 

And once again, Sara and I find ourselves paired off.

 

“Remember, ladies,” the counselor at the front of the room said. “This isn't just about making beautiful things, it's about finding yourselves. It's about getting in touch with a side of yourselves that you haven't been able to access. It's about working together constructively with your partner to make art.”

 

“Are you serious with this shit?” I mumbled, and Sara elbowed me. “What? It's like they're trying to make us gayer.”

 

“You promised,” she said lowly, and I groaned quietly, but I didn't say anything else. Today we were “allowed” to make anything that we wanted, so I turned to Sara.

 

“What do you want to do?” I asked.

 

“Work alone,” she said, turning away from me.

 

“Yeah, I get that, but in about ten seconds, if we don't look like we're working together, someone is going to come over here and bitch us out for not bonding.”

 

Sara grabbed a couple of supplies, then turned towards me.

 

“Just make something, and I'll make something, and we'll say we helped each other.”

 

“Whatever,” I said, grabbing a glue gun and some Styrofoam.

 

The whole next two weeks were much the same: Sara and I trying to stay apart, but being put together. Sara and I trying not to talk, but having the counselors force us into conversations with each other. Me trying to avoid conflict with Sara, and Sara seemingly seeking it out.

 

I tried to make the best of things; since I was forced to talk to Sara, I tried to do so as little as possible in the most matter-of-fact way that I could manage. Sara...she took a dig whenever she could. It was like she was punishing me for the camp making us be together.

 

Or maybe this all had a lot more to do with the fact that Sara could barely keep her eyes off of me when she didn't think I was looking...whatever. I wasn't in the business of trying to figure out the ultra-repressed.

 

We'd always escape to the cabin as soon as we possibly could. It was about the only thing that we both agreed on. At least there, no one was breathing down our necks. Still, we didn't speak to each other unless it was absolutely necessary, and it was starting to drive me crazy. My parents called from time to time, but I never said much. I'd been too embarrassed to tell any of my friends where I was or what had happened, and my parents had been too ashamed to tell any of the family. I didn't have anyone to talk to, and I didn't think I could go much longer without exploding.

 

“What notes do you take?” I asked Sara on the second Saturday. It had been another day of her at the desk and me on my bed silently, and I'd had enough.

 

“You're breaking the rule,” she said without looking up.

 

“It's the weekend. The rules don't apply on the weekend.”

 

“Mine do,” she said, then added quietly, “Especially the ones concerning you.”

 

“You can't be a bitch to me forever. Besides, this whole avoiding each other thing obviously isn't working out. We need to find a solution.”

 

“I've already found one,” she said. “The silence in here is working just fine.”

 

“Oh, really? You think that's the best way for you to de-gay yourself? What's the point of being here if you're just going to hide away in the cabin, not talking to anyone? Couldn't you have done that at home?”

 

She stopped writing and looked up from her book.

 

“You have a point,” she said after a second. “I'm letting you distract me from why I'm supposed to be here.”

 

“So we can't keep not talking to each other. You getting to know me is part of your therapy.”

 

She looked thoughtful for a second, but her eyes got angry in a flash.

 

“Is this your new plan?” she said. “Make me trust that you're going to help me now so you can talk me into fucking you later?”

 

“I didn't think you swore,” I said, hoping that my voice didn't crack. Even hearing her swear was a turn on.

 

“I don't, often,” she said. “And that's not the point.”

 

I rolled my eyes. “First of all, don't flatter yourself. You're not the hottest piece of ass I've ever laid eyes on.” She was. She didn't need to know that. “Second of all, even if this was all some plan to sleep with you, it's not like you really have any other option. Either cooperate with me, or just be yourself and date girls. Either way is fine.”

 

Sara looked at me. It made me so nervous when she did that. She was so intense when she looked at me...like she was trying to figure me out, and she had a lead. The worst part of it all, though, was that I didn't want her to look away. As uncomfortable as I felt, something in me liked the way she looked at me...like she wanted to take me apart.

 

She finally said, “What exactly would we have to do?”

 

“I don't know, totally,” I said. “Probably talk in therapy. Hang out at mealtimes. Talk a bit in the cabin-”

 

“Why do we have to talk in the cabin?” she asked. “There's no one to see us in here.”

 

I looked at her, dumbfounded. “How can you not be sick of the silence? How can you go a week without talking to anyone outside of group?”  
  


“I talk to God,” she answered. “I pray to him all the time.”

 

“But that's not a conversation, Sara.”

 

“It's enough.”

 

I shook my head. “No, it really isn't. You need a living, breathing someone to talk to. That's why we have to talk in the cabin.”

 

Sara closed her eyes in frustration, but eventually gave in.

 

“Fine, if you insist. But I don't have to answer any questions that I don't want to.”

 

“This isn't group,” I said. “I don't give a shit what you say. You just occasionally have to talk and listen. I'm going crazy just dazing off on my own all the time.”

 

Sara smiled a little bit, and I could feel my own smile spring onto my face.

 

“I'm going for a walk,” she said. After getting ready, she added, “You can come if you want.”

 

“Yeah, sure,” I said. I got myself ready and followed her out the door.

 

I found myself wanting to hold her hand, but I pushed it off.

 

Sara took the lead for a few steps for the first part of the walk before finally letting me catch up. We walked in silence around the lake, watching a few other campers and counselors talking or running around, or at least, Sara was doing that. I was pretending to do that while sneaking glances at her. Right before I was about to break the silence, Sara beat me to it.

 

“How did your parents find out?” she asked me.

 

The question caught me off guard, but I didn't mind answering.“They caught me with a girl. Not during, the next morning, but we were naked and cuddling, so it was pretty obvious what had happened.”

 

“Had they ever caught you with any of the other girls?”

 

“I didn't bring any other girls around.” I looked at the ground. “Just her.”

 

“What made her so special?” Sara asked. “She must have been if she was the only one you let stay at your house overnight...cuddling, no less.”

 

Normally, I probably would have turned this into a chance to flirt...ask her if she was jealous...maybe lay it on thick (if I was feeling particularly bold) and tell her she could be that special to me. At the very least, I would tell her off for assuming I was the town slut just because I didn't hate myself like she did. I couldn't, though. All her questions just reminded me of Lindsey ditching me and how pathetic my life had become.

 

“We weren't that serious,” I finally said.

 

“But-”

 

“My parents were supposed to be out of town,” I said, sharply. “That's all.”

 

She nodded, and we dropped back into silence for a minute more. I felt guilty. The one time that she was actually trying to talk to me, and I act like a bitch.

 

“How about you?” I asked, making an attempt to get the ball rolling again. “How did your parents find out?”

 

I saw her tense up, but she said, “I kissed one of my friends in my room when I was eleven. My father walked in on us. He grabbed me and he...he was rougher than he meant to be. He and my mother have been trying to help me ever since, but I haven't had much success.”

 

“I'm sorry,” I immediately said, ignoring the part of me that wanted to lay a hand on her shoulder. Touching her hadn't worked out so well for me so far...

 

“It's fine,” she said back. “That's what this camp is for.”

 

“I meant for your dad,” I said. “He sounds like an asshole.”

 

Sara shook her head. “His reaction was fair, considering.”

 

“I doubt it,” I said. “It's not like he caught you with your fingers inside a girl.”

 

“Tegan, please don't be so crude.” The blush was back on Sara's face, and part of me wanted to push it, until she was back in my face, yelling at me to stop getting in her way...

 

What the fuck was it about this girl that made me want to make her mad? I'd never really been an instigator before. Sure, I mouthed off, but it wasn't just to piss people off. I just couldn't help it with her.

 

“I'm sorry...again. I can't stop words from coming out of my mouth sometimes.”

 

“It's fine,” she answered. “I'm not usually...I'm not a mean person. I don't usually snap at people like this. Like I do with you. I think it's my nerves. I really want to recover.”

 

I sighed and wished once again that telling her she was beautiful and just fine the way she was would do anything but make her withdraw from me again. Instead, I just nodded and kept walking. We both did a few laps around the lake, making small talk as we went. Nothing much deeper than the surface. I told her about my parents, and she told me a little bit about hers and her little sister.

 

I decided not to question the darkness that came over her eyes when she talked about her family. That was too much for now.

 

The more we talked, the more I liked her. Sure, she was still a little bit of a bitch, and more than a little uptight, but she was also really funny and smart. I wished that we'd been able to meet somewhere else. Pretty much anywhere else. I wished we both didn't have the fucked-up parents that we did and that we could have just been able to be friends (or more, but I was really trying to keep thoughts like that out of my head. I'd JUST had things end with Lindsey, and I was already getting soft over a girl who was obsessed with straightening herself out. Bad news).

 

We finally made our way back to the cabin after lunch, and Sara sat down on her bed instead of at the desk, still grabbing for her bible. I went to sit at my own bed, planning on dropping into my normal routine, but at the last minute decided to sit next to her on hers. I kept my distance and hoped she wouldn't freak out. Her head snapped to me when I fully sat.

 

“Sorry,” I said before she could say anything. “Would you mind it if we talked a little more?”

 

She looked at me for a second before smiling and setting her bible back on the desk. We made more small talk...I knew it wouldn't be more, but it was a start. We talked about nothing until the early hours of the morning, and neither of us could keep our eyes open.

 

I hadn't wanted to make the trip back to my own bed. Sara had fallen asleep before me, and it would have been so easy to just lay beside her. I knew, though, that if she woke up and I was still there, it would reset the (pretty impressive) progress that we'd made through the day.

 

I dragged myself out of her bed and into my own. I barely had the covers pulled over myself before I fell asleep.

 

 


	7. Chapter 7

I walked through the door of the cabin, and Sara was sitting at the desk, flipping through the pages of her bible as usual. I walked up behind her as quietly as I could and briefly placed my hands on her elbows before running them up her arms to her shoulders. Goosebumps rose along the path my fingers traveled. I put my face to her neck and breathed in deeply.

“Find what you're looking for in there, yet?” I whispered into her ear, and then I bit it lightly and sucked it into my mouth.

“Tegan!” she gasped. I was afraid that I'd gone too far until she turned to me and pulled me into a kiss. It was innocent at first. Her hand was on my cheek, and our lips moved slowly. When I was sure she would be able to handle it, I slipped my tongue into her mouth. Her only response was to moan and keep kissing me. We went on like this for a few minutes, but it wasn't long until I knew I needed more.

I pulled away and said, “Scoot forward.”

She looked confused, but still did it anyway. I slid into the chair behind her and started kissing her neck. My hands went back to rubbing up and down her arms. Sara leaned back into me and tangled one of her hands in my hair. My right hand slowly made its way from her arm to her chest, and I squeezed.

“Oh my God,” she whispered, gripping tighter on my hair. My left hand eventually mirrored my right, and I started pinching her nipples. The hand that wasn't in my hair came over to my left hand and encouraged me to pinch harder. I pulled back from her neck, seeing that I'd made a faint mark where my mouth had been. 

It only brought a smile to my face.

I started kissing the back of her neck as my right hand moved lower, first rubbing lightly on her stomach, then moving lower to the waistband of her pants. I gave her a second to push me away, but all she did was groan at my hesitation, so I pushed past and slipped my fingers into her pants and underwear.

I smiled when my fingers hit a wet patch.

“Tegan, please,” she whimpered, and I took mercy on her, slipping two fingers straight into her.

Fucking Sara felt amazing. The more I pushed in and out of her, the harder she pushed into my hand and the harder she pushed herself back, grinding into my clit through my jeans with her ass. She was a whimpering, shaking mess against me (not that I was much better. How could I be?), and yet I still wanted more. I pulled away and went back to her ear.

“Don't hold back,” I said to her. “I want to hear you. Tell me what you want.”

“I need...” she said, dropping off, still thrusting against me. “I need you to go faster.”

I kissed her temple and doubled my speed. I could feel her walls tremble in response, and her hips were somehow matching the impossible speed of my hand. She was practically in my lap, bouncing up and down at this point. I ground myself into her with just as much enthusiasm, starting to feel my own orgasm building up.

“Sara...fuck, Sara...” I barely managed to get out. After a second, Sara started making more noise.

“Tegan...” I heard her voice, but it seemed far away. The blood was rushing to my ears, and everything was starting to go blurry.

“Sara!” I shouted back. I was so close...I could feel my shoulders shaking.

Wait...shoulders?

“Tegan!” Sara's voice pulled me out of the last of my sleep, and my eyes shot open.

“Sara?” I said groggily. “What's wrong? What happened?'

“You were having a nightmare,” she said, sitting on the edge of the bed. “Moaning and thrashing around and stuff. Are you okay?”

I would have been afraid of blushing if I didn't know that my face was already about as red as it was going to get.

“Yeah, I'm fine.”

“Are you sure? You look a little hot.”

She put her hand on my forehead, and I felt my pussy clench...and that's when I realized that my fingers were inside myself. I'd been fucking myself in my sleep...dreaming of Sara. Not all that surprising, considering that this was far from the first dream I'd had about her since we'd started getting along a little better. Still mortifying, though.

I tried to move my fingers out of myself, but I was so worked up (and Sara was so close...and still touching me) that I was afraid the smallest movement would set me off. Keeping them where they were was safer until Sara went back to bed.

“It was just a bad dream,” I said. “No big deal. Thanks for waking me up, though.”

She smiled. “No problem.”

She went back to bed, and I seriously considered just finishing myself as quietly as I could. I didn't want to tempt fate, though, so I pulled out of myself quickly and wiped my hand on the blanket. I was still shocked I'd gotten out of that without her suspecting anything. She was like that, though. I was the least subtle person in the world when I had a crush (and as much as I fucking hated it on so many different levels, I did have a MASSIVE crush on Sara), and Sara never seemed to pick up on any of it.

I sometimes suspected that she ignored it. We were almost getting along at this point, and I figured that she was just happy to not have the constant conflict anymore. It was easier to pretend that I wasn't staring at her than it was for her to deal with it.

On the other hand, she did a fair amount of staring on her end. There were even a few times that I'd let my wishful thinking take over and I'd convince myself that the smiles she'd occasionally send my way were flirtatious...that the things she said weren't always just innocent conversation between friends. It couldn't just be me who felt the heaviness in the air around us. Sometimes, she really seemed like she wanted me. She'd get this look in her eyes, like she thought about me the way I thought about her.

I'd then shake my head and mentally slap myself for getting my feelings involved in another girl that wasn't going to work out for me. The more time that had passed in the camp, the more convinced Sara became that the therapy was working.

“I haven't stopped thinking about girls that way,” she said in group one day, “but I think of less girls, so that's good, right?”

“That's awesome!” Heather had replied, Joe getting the rest of the group to clap in support. I just shook my head and kept my mouth shut. It's what I'd agreed to do. Group therapy mostly consisted of me keeping my mouth shut while Joe and Heather and the other counselors gave us tips on how to have natural relationships. I left the room with a pounding headache every time. The headaches were worse on the days that Sara had “breakthroughs” and I'd see that spark of hope in her eye...knowing that it was false...that she'd never come out of here happy the way she wanted to.

I'd always known these places were fucked up for the kids that knew they couldn't change. I never thought about the kids who thought they could.

“I really do appreciate you not disrupting group,” she said one day, sitting down across from me at my lunch table. This was new. Sure, we'd started talking in the cabin, and I was having pretty explicit dreams about her, but most of the effort for communication had been on my end.

“Yeah, sure,” I said with a small smile. “No problem, Sara.”

“I've made progress, here,” she said. “I've never had things this under control for this long.”

I wanted to question what “under control” meant exactly, but we weren't at the point in our tentative friendship that I could ask her about it.

“Glad to hear it,” I said with as much enthusiasm as I could muster.

“I sometimes wish that I was partnered with someone like me,” she said. “Someone who wanted to get better.”

“Sorry,” I mumbled around a bite of food, trying to hide the fact that her words bothered me.

“Don't be,” she said. “I think Joe was right. I needed you to challenge me to become who I want to be.”

“And this is definitely who you want to be?” I asked her. She looked down at the table.

“This is the only way to be happy,” she said, and before I could say anything, she spoke up again. “At least for me. I...I'd like it if you could get better, too-”

“Please, don't,” I said. “We don't need to go there.”

“No,” she said. “I was just saying that I understand that you don't want to change. You like the way you are. I just can't be happy this way.”

I stuffed more food in my mouth. She was trying...I knew she was trying to be friendly, but it was just making me sad and angry, and I didn't know what to say. We dropped into silence for a moment. I was expecting Sara to walk away, and I was already kicking myself for setting us back just because I was feeling moody. Instead, she just started talking again.

“My sister Samantha is a dancer,” she said. “My mom and dad send her to dance academies every summer. She's at one now. She has so many trophies she has to keep some in my room.”

I scoffed. “Nice.”

She shook her head. “Both of us have trophy cases in our rooms, but I haven't ever won anything, and she needs the space.”

“That doesn't make it better,” I said.

“In any case,” she went on, “when I was much younger, my parents used to send me to dance camps, too, but I was never very good, and then we found out I had asthma, and it was making me have trouble breathing properly, so I had to stop. It was unfortunate, because my mother was a dancer, and she'd always wanted to share that with her daughter. We never did have much in common, my parents and I. Sometimes I wonder why God would punish my parents with me. Maybe so they'd be more thankful for Samantha.”

We'd never talked about anything like this. Every time I'd tried, she'd find a way to change the subject, or she would start to clam up, so I'd back off.

“You don't seem so bad to me,” I said, and she smiled, but it didn't last long.

“I told my personal counselor about this stuff, and she said that maybe I-” She looked away from me. “I'm not supposed to talk about that, I guess.”

“You can if you want,” I said. “I don't mind.”

“She said...she said I should feel lucky to have a sister that is such a blessing to my parents and to myself.”

“Of course she did.”

“She's not wrong,” Sara said. “I should be happy that my parents got the child they wanted. I'm just trying to make myself less of a disappointment.”

“I can't...” I trailed off. I wanted to say that I couldn't listen to her put herself down anymore. I couldn't hear her spew this bullshit. I could barely stop myself from kissing her everywhere just to show her that someone thought she was worth caring for. I barely knew her, but I knew it was true. She didn't deserve to feel like a disappointment.

I decided to just change the subject. “I'm an only child. Always sort of wished I had a sibling, but I knew my parents couldn't have any more.”

“Why not?”

“My mom can't have kids. I cleared out their entire savings.” She looked at me confused, so I explained. “Adopted.”

“Oh,” she said.

“Yeah, they had to wait five years to be able to adopt a kid. When it came around to it, there was a little boy available, too. My mom wanted a girl, though, so they picked me.” I laughed a little. “They probably regret that decision now.”

“I'm sorry,” she said. “Doesn't that ever make you want to get better for them?”

“No, it just makes me wish better people had adopted me,” I said, not completely meaning it. They were still my parents, and I couldn't stop myself from loving them.

“Your parents are good people,” she said. “They could have thrown you out on the street.”

“They're going to if I don't straighten out.”

“But they gave you this chance,” she said. “Our parents at least gave us a chance. Doesn't that mean that they love us?”

I realized she wasn't just saying this for me.

“Uh...yeah, I guess so.” She needed to hear it. She needed to hear that her parents loved her.

She smiled. “You were right, Tegan. Things are getting much better now that we're getting along.”

I smiled at her, and we finished our food and walked back to the cabin. Spending our lunches together became a regular thing. We'd started sharing stories from our childhoods, a few things here and there of our more recent pasts, but those were few and far between. Talking about when things had been simple was a lot easier, but we still felt like we were getting to know each other.

The more she revealed to me, the more frequent my dreams of her were. They weren't always about sex. Sometimes, it was just dreams of us, sitting in the cabin, talking about nothing, and her leaning over to kiss me...innocent stuff like that. Most of the time, though, they resulted in me trying to hide how flustered I was in the morning.

We'd still go off into our own little worlds...Sara with her bible notes, and me listening to music (sometimes, if I wasn't thinking, I'd start to hum before catching myself, but Sara never seemed to notice). Even then, I'd occasionally hear a song I thought she might like, and I'd call her over to listen. We spent a lot of time in each other's beds...sitting up with a respectable amount of distance between us, but I still took it as a small victory.

I still didn't really know what I wanted from her, but I knew that I liked us getting closer.

“What do you want to do?” I asked. “Like, for life.”

We were on my bed that day, and we'd been there since lunch.

“I don't know,” she said. “I honestly haven't put much thought into it. I've never been good at much, and I've been so focused on my problem. I figured I'd go to school and meet someone and go from there.”

“Really gunning for that while picket fence, aren't you?”

She laughed a little. “It's what I grew up with. Me and my parents and my sister.”

“Yeah, but what do you want for yourself. Dreams, goals, aspirations-”

“Do you know what you want?” she asked me, and I looked away.

“Well, yeah,” I said. “I was planning on...y'know...doing the music thing.”

“What does that mean, exactly?” she asked, and I sighed. I wasn't usually embarrassed to talk about this, but saying it to Sara made it seem stupid.

“I'm trying to become a musician. A professional musician. I play guitar...a little keyboard. I don't know. It probably won't happen. College is sort of my back-up plan for if it doesn't work out.”

I looked back up, and Sara looked thoughtful before saying, “Have you written any songs?”

I shook my head. “Nah, I mostly just sing and play for now.”

Another lie.

“I think it's good that you know what you want,” she said. “I...I actually had a guitar once.”

“Really?” I asked, smiling. “Did you ever learn to play?”

She shook her head quickly. “I wanted to, but Samantha...well, she wanted my guitar.”

“So, what? Your parents snatched it out of your hands and gave it to her?”

“No!” she said quickly. “I hope I'm not making my parents sound bad.”

“Sorry,” I said. I didn't want her to stop talking. “What happened?”

Sara took a deep breath before going on. “My relationship with my parents wasn't the best after my sister was born. It didn't get bad until after they caught me, but they always seemed less interested in me after my sister...”

She stopped, and I could tell she was trying not to cry. I felt torn between wanting to show support and wanting to respect her personal space. Despite the fact that this hadn't ever worked, I set my hand on top of hers on the bed. She looked at it for a second, then grabbed it with her own. She kept talking before I had a chance to process this development.

“When I was thirteen, my parents bought me a guitar for my birthday, and I was so happy. It was like they...my personal counselor says I shouldn't doubt my parents' love so much.”

“Fuck your personal counselor,” I said, and she winced. “Sorry, that's not what I meant. Just...say whatever you're feeling, okay?”

She squeezed my hand tighter. “It was like they were telling me that they loved me. They hadn't abandoned me because of my unnatural urges. They hadn't replaced me with a younger, better daughter. The problem was that Samantha couldn't stop talking about how much she wanted my guitar. I shared it with her a little bit, but I wanted to play it myself. I mean...it was mine.

“One day, Samantha and I got into a little bit of a fight. She ran up to my room, and before I had a chance to stop her, my guitar was smashed to pieces on my floor. I remember sobbing and trying to pick pieces up...and I remember shoving Samantha to the ground.”

I shrugged. “So? I would have killed that little bit-” I cut myself off. I had to remind myself that this was her family. “I would have done a lot worse.”

“Then I'm glad you didn't end up with my parents,” Sara said with a serious face, staring at the wall.

“What happened?” I asked.

She shook herself out of it. “It wasn't anything bad. They just pulled me away from her and sent me to my room for a couple of days.”

“What, like, you were grounded?” I asked.

“Yeah. No outside contact. No school. No food-”

“I'm sorry, did you just say no food?” I was really, really hoping that I'd heard that wrong.

Her eyes snapped to me. “No, I...they gave me water. And I'm probably getting my memory. You can't go days without food, right?.”

I could feel her pulling away again, so I just squeezed her hand back, despite the fact that I didn't want to just let that drop. It was more important for her to get this out right now than it was for me to know all the details.

I made a mental note to find out later.

“What did your parents do to Samantha?”

“What?” Sara asked, confused.

“What did they do to punish Samantha?”

“Oh, they didn't. They told her to just ask for what she wants in the future, and they gave her a guitar for her birthday.”

My mouth dropped open. “What the fuck? How the hell did you put up with that shit?”

“She was young. She didn't know what she was doing. I did.” I could see tears forming in her eyes.

“Sara?” I asked, and she nodded. “Are you about to cry?” She nodded again, and a tear fell and slid down her cheek. “Okay...can I wipe that away? Just because last time-”

“Yeah,” she said. “Thank you.”

I smiled, and I wiped her tear away. This was a bad idea. I shouldn't be touching her like this. One hand on her face, one hand tangled with her own...

“You weren't wrong that day,” I said to her. “Shoving your sister isn't a crime, and what she did was a whole lot worse.”

She looked at me, and I couldn't figure out a reason to still be rubbing her cheek, but I was, and she wasn't pushing me away. I scooted just a bit closer to her on the bed, and she didn't push me away. I started leaning in, and she didn't push me away.

I finally pressed my lips to hers, and she didn't push me away.

For a brief second, she pulled my bottom lip between hers, and her hand gripped mine so tight, it immediately started to go numb. Before I could even mentally scold myself for doing this (or before I could high-five myself), she finally seemed to realize what she was doing, and she jumped away from me and off of the bed like it was on fire.

“What...I thought...” She had her eyes closed and was rubbing her temples hard.

“Sara, wait,” I said, getting to my feet and walking towards her, but she just backed up.

“Stay away from me!” she yelled at me. “How dare you?”

“Look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean for that to happen-”

“Of course you did!” She was in my face in an instant. “We both know that's what you've wanted all along.”

“That's not true!” I snapped back.

“You think I'm blind? You think I don't see the way you look at me? You practically drool when I walk into a room-”

“Wait,” I said, holding up my hand. “Before you go on this little rant where you, no doubt, insinuate I'm a slut, I'd like to point out the fact that I'm not the only one that's been drooling. You've done your fair share of staring, you've flirted with me, even if you try to pretend that that's not what it is, and just now? You kissed me back.”

“I didn't-”

“You did!”

She reared back and shoved me so hard that I tripped and fell onto my bed.

“Fuck you!” she screamed at me before running out of the cabin, slamming the door behind her. I stared at the ceiling and tried to breathe, still hearing her voice in my head...and feeling her lips on mine.

“Shit.”


	8. Chapter 8

“Shit.”

 

It took a second for me to get the room to stop spinning. Once my head and body caught up with each other, I was running out the door. Sara wasn't very far ahead.

 

“Sara,” I said, quietly. I kept an eye out for counselors. All they'd want to do is interfere, and that would just make everything worse. She didn't respond, though, so I repeated her name a little louder. She just kept walking. I did this a few more times before I'd had enough. I ran up behind her and grabbed her wrist. She snatched it away, but at least she was facing me.

 

“Don't touch me,” she snapped.

 

“Will you just listen to me?”

 

She shook her head. “I trusted you. I trusted when you said you would help me.” Her eyes went dark. “I should have known what you wanted.”

 

“Look, this hasn't been some great plan from the beginning, okay? We kissed. It happened-”

 

“ _ **We**_ didn't do anything,” she nearly growled. “You forced yourself on me. That's it.”

 

“Oh, please!” I caught a counselor looking over at us, so I lowered my voice and stepped closer to her. “You can deny it all you want, but we both know what really happened, Sara.”

 

Her face went bright red, and once again, I wished that we'd been able to meet at a place and time that I could tell her how cute it made her look. Life was being incredibly unfair as of late, though, so all I could do was stand my ground and brace myself for her response.

 

“I have tried to be understanding and respectful of you. I've tried to set my boundaries and make it clear that I am here to recover. I've tried...I've tried to be your friend.” Her arms were wrapped around herself, and every move I made towards her, she made away from me. “Just...just leave me alone, Tegan. Let me get better.”

 

If it had been a few weeks earlier, I would have taken that deal. In fact, I had. But now, I couldn't leave this alone. I'd strongly suspected that she was feeling some of the things that I was feeling since we'd started getting along. After that kiss, though, I was sure of it.

 

“I'm not just ignoring this,” I said to her. “You can try, but I'm not letting this go.”

 

Sara shook her head and stormed off again. I let her walk away. She could have the rest of the day to herself, because that's all she'd be getting, as far as I was concerned. I went back to the cabin. Sara didn't come back until the middle of the night, and I pretended to be asleep.

 

Sara was already gone when I woke up in the morning, and I couldn't believe she'd managed to sneak out without waking me up. I got ready in a hurry and tried to find her at breakfast with no luck. It didn't matter; we'd have to spend most of the rest of the day together.

 

It started in chapel.

 

On most days, Sara was very attentive to whatever story was being told, and was very serious about the times she was told to pray. I respected that, and I tried to keep as much distance as possible. I hated how close we were all forced to sit to each other, because it made acting like I didn't want Sara that much harder.

 

Today, though, I didn't really mind so much.

 

I spent the first half of service sliding closer and closer to her (the guy on my other side seemed thankful for this, because I was usually doing the opposite, and we'd ended up rubbing shoulders more than once). She was trying to slide away, but eventually, she hit the end of the pew and didn't have anywhere else to go.

 

“Stop it,” she finally whispered to me.

 

“Oh, speaking up in church, are we?” I whispered in her ear. “Calm down. It's not like I'm in your lap. Although, I think you'd like that.”

 

She closed her eyes and let out the quietest moan. “Leave me alone.”

 

“The first time you asked me to do that, I tried, and you wouldn't back off of me. Think of this as me returning the favor.”

 

I pulled away from her ear, but I didn't scoot away. Sara almost sprinted out of the chapel, but I didn't care. We had Arts and Crafts together right after.

 

“Are you starting to remember why this whole avoiding each other thing didn't work the first time around?” I asked as I sat next to her and started on our piece.

 

“You don't know the meaning of boundaries, do you?” she snapped at me, and I laughed.

 

“Are you kidding me? All I've been doing since I got here was respecting your boundaries. Not pushing your buttons. Letting you control the pace of every conversation. Making sure that I didn't say the wrong thing, because it might set you off, and what happens? You flirt with me all the time, you don't give a shit if I have boundaries or anything, I finally I kiss you, you _clearly_ kiss meback-”

 

“Keep your voice down!” She looked around the room, panic in her eyes and her blush back on her cheeks. I suspected that blush was less from embarrassment and more from how that kiss had made her feel.

 

“-and I get all the blame for it, anyway,” I went on, ignoring her. “I get told off for coming on to you even though I've been over thinking every little thing so it didn't seem like I was coming on to you.”

 

“Am I supposed to feel sorry for you right now?” she asked me. “Do you want an apology?”

 

“No, I want you to realize that I'm done watching what I say for you.” I lowered my voice a little. “You already showed your cards, Sara. You can't take it back now.”

 

She looked like she wanted to punch me, and I smirked. I was glad that she was mad. Part of me knew that I should probably be more considerate. Sara had obviously been through a lot. Probably a lot more than she was even letting on. I wasn't thinking clearly, though; it's not like my life hadn't been turned upside down since the summer had started. I'd had every person that I thought loved me turn their back on me. I wasn't exactly myself at the moment, so all I wanted was for Sara to _let go._

 

I wasn't even sure what that would mean. Did I want her to admit that she'd kissed me? That she wanted me? Did I want her to let me act out my fantasies of her?

 

I didn't know. Really, I didn't care.

 

“I'm not letting you get to me,” she said. “I'll ignore you.”

 

“Good luck,” I said back. “You've been staring at my chest for half of this conversation.”

 

Sara's eyes went wide and turned away from me all together. “That's not true.”

 

“It wasn't that time,” I said. “But you weren't sure...because it usually is.”

 

Sara glared at me. “You're completely obsessed with yourself.”

 

“No, _you're_ completely obsessed with myself,” I said, smirk still on my face. “Don't project, Sara. Hasn't your therapist told you that?”

 

Sara's eyes went almost black, and I was honestly afraid I'd gone too far somehow. She finally looked away from me and went to working on our project. I kept my mouth shut for a little while, until I caught her looking at me from the corner of my eye.

 

“Amazing,” I said without looking at her. “You hate me so much that you can't stop eye-fucking me.”

 

She looked at our project and nothing else for the rest of Arts and Crafts. Lunch came, and she didn't even bother trying to get away from me.

 

“So are you ready to at least talk about what happened?” I asked her, sitting down at our usual table.

 

“It was a mistake, Tegan. Can't we just leave it at that?”

 

“No,” I said. “Because you know it wasn't.”

 

“I came here to get better,” she said. “This place is my last chance. It's helping.”

 

“Really?” I asked. “I mean, I hate to keep bringing it up-”

 

“I know, okay? I kissed you back.” She finally said. “Are you satisfied? It was a set-back. That's all.”

 

“It's not just the kiss,” I said. “It's everything. We can't ignore the fact that we want-”

 

“Don't,” she said, cutting me off. “We don't want anything. I want to be my real self, you want to go home. That's what we separately want.”

 

“Wow,” I said. “How can you be that deep in denial?”

 

“Why do you care so much?” she asked me.

 

“I...” I didn't really know why I cared so much. Why did it matter to me? It's not like I was in love with her. She was someone that I found extremely attractive that I liked a lot as a person and wouldn't mind having sex with. After this camp, I fully expected us to never speak again.

 

But that part wasn't true, was it? I'd never really thought about my communication with Sara after camp, but as soon as the thought of never speaking to her again had crossed my mind, I'd felt a little ill. I didn't know what that meant exactly, but I did know it meant that she meant more to me that I'd realized.

 

Before I had a chance to say anything to her, she was getting up and walking off. I followed her back to the cabin.

 

“I care because I can't keep up,” I said, deciding that this was easier than trying to explain that something about her made me care. She was sitting on her bed, knowing that I was going to follow, and I started pacing back and forth in front of her. “Am I supposed to be supportive? Cold? Friendly? Distant? When you bat your eyelashes at me, am I supposed to smile or look away and ignore it? When you lean your head on my shoulder am I supposed to let you or push you away?”

 

“If you ever paid attention in group, you'd know that these are things that normal friends do together-”

 

“Do normal friends kiss each other?”

 

“It's not that unusual,” she said.

 

“Do they usually shiver like you were?” She looked shocked. “What, didn't think I could feel that?”

 

“Shut your fucking mouth,” she said, getting to her feet. I was looking at her eyes, but hers were a little lower. I was so wet...hearing her swear...feeling her so close to me...I couldn't stop pushing, now.

 

“Oh, getting mad?” I asked. “I'd take it a lot more seriously if you weren't staring at my lips right now.”

 

She blinked a few times before stepping back. “I'm going for a walk.”

 

She was running again, and I was furious. She'd always do this...she'd almost lose it, then she'd walk away, or she'd take a deep breath, or she'd change the subject. I was sick of it. I needed this...whatever it was that was coming, I _needed_ it.

 

“Go ahead,” I spat. “Go rub one out against some tree when you've got me willing and ready right here.”

 

She froze, facing away from me. I expected to see her shoulders rise and fall before she kept walking out the door, and I'd have to do exactly what I'd just accused her of going off to do. Instead, she spun around and closed the distance between us so fast that I didn't even realize her lips were on mine until her arms were around my waist. My hands flew up to her hair. I didn't want her to pull away.

 

Our first kiss had been a nice peek into what kissing Sara was like. Soft lips and lots of nerves. It had been exactly as sweet as I'd imagined until she'd pushed me away. This was something completely different. She was biting my lips and grinding her hips and sucking my tongue into her mouth and _holy shit_ this was better than any of the dreams.

 

This is what I'd wanted. It should have been obvious to me, but the anger had been clouding things a little.

 

She pushed me back until I felt myself hit the edge of the desk, and she almost bent me backwards over it. She pulled away just enough to flip me around. She bit down on my shoulder and grabbed my nipples under my shirt, but over my bra...hard. I cried out, and she pinched a little harder. That only lasted for a few seconds before she pushed me down onto the desk.

 

“Sara...” I was panting. “What...what the-”

 

“You're not used to this, are you?” she said while undoing the button and zipper on my pants. “Girls probably just let you drop to your knees and do whatever you want.” She snatched them down my legs, and I kicked off my shoes so she could get them off all the way. “It's not going to work like that this time.” She pulled my underwear down just enough to expose me. Her finger ran along my slit, and I felt my knees shake. She laughed. “Who's shivering now?”

 

I could barely understand what was happening. The only other person that had touched me like this was Lindsey, and she'd been so sweet and it had been so good, but I hadn't been wet like this. I hadn't felt myself twitching on the inside like I did right now. I couldn't even say fucking words...all I could do was moan and whine and pant and wish that Sara was actually doing something besides torture me.

 

“Sara,” I finally managed, but that's all that would come out.

 

“You wanted this Tegan,” she said, then she slammed her fingers into me. I didn't know how many, but I was sure it was more than I usually used on myself. She didn't ease me into it...it was hard and fast from the moment her fingers found their way inside of me. I was trying to breathe, but every thrust of Sara's hand would push the air out of my lungs. She was putting her whole body behind it, and from the way she was moaning, I figured she was grinding herself into the back of her own hand.

 

I started to push myself back onto her, and her free hand flew to my ass cheek. Her nails dug into it and stopped my movement. She was grabbing me so hard I thought she would draw blood, but I didn't want her to stop that, either. In fact, I sort of hoped she did. I didn't mind the thought of feeling her every time I sat down.

 

“Sara, please,” I found myself saying without even consciously meaning to. “I want you to...” I trailed off, and she finished for me.

 

“You want to get off,” she said. “But I decide when that happens.”

 

I'd actually been about to say that I wanted her to feel it, too, but her statement had sent another shock to my clit, so I never corrected her. Besides, from the way her voice wavered, she seemed to be feeling it just fine.

 

She finally let go of my ass, but her free hand then ran under my shirt and undid my bra. I helped her as much as I could, but she hadn't stopped pounding into me, so it was hard for me to keep up.

 

“Get your shirt and bra off in the next ten seconds, or I swear I'll make this last all night, and you'll _never_ get to finish.”

 

Anyone else, and I would have rolled my eyes at a statement like that. That's the type of thing that you say to a drunk straight girl in a bathroom stall, and it was bullshit. The way she said it, though...it wasn't the statement of an out-of-control ego.

 

It was like she'd done it before.

 

My shirt and bra were on the floor in the blink of an eye, and I was back on the desk, only leaving just enough space for Sara's hand to sneak back to my nipple. She was leaning over me, now. Her teeth were nipping along my spine, her fingers either abusing my chest or making sure I would feel her for days between my legs.

 

“You need to cum, don't you?” she asked, almost like she was mocking me. “You already can't stand it, can you?”

 

“I...I...” I felt tears in my eyes, I needed to cum so bad. The build-up had been better than any other time that I'd ever finished, but I needed it. I couldn't though. Not until she told me to...which pissed me off to no end...which just pushed me even further to the edge.

 

It was so clear to me in that moment that Sara was different. She was different that anyone I'd ever wanted, and a part of me thought that she was different than anyone I could ever want. She was _more_ somehow. She held a bigger piece of me than I wanted to admit or than I even fully understood.

 

I couldn't cum until she told me to.

 

“Please let me,” I almost shouted. “Please!”

 

Sara was pushing harder and somehow even faster, and I could feel her losing her rhythm. She was close, too. A few more thrusts, and she gasped. Her hand flew from my nipple to my clit and started rubbing tight circles.

 

“Now,” she said. “You-you can cum.”

 

My eyes rolled back into my head, and I felt every muscle in my body clamp down. It's like they all didn't want Sara to be able to get away. My hand flew behind me and wrapped around her neck while I just kept pouring out of myself and onto Sara's hand. She was shaking and cumming herself, and it just kept me going longer. Like there was this weird feedback that wouldn't let us come down from our highs together. Every time we thought we were almost done, one of us would twitch the smallest little bit, and we'd be thrown back into it.

 

Sara's hand hadn't ever fully stopped moving, either, so that wasn't exactly helping...

 

“I...no more,” I finally said. “I can't anymore.”

 

I felt fucking broken in the best way. I'd never imagined something like that. I'd never thought of myself enjoying something like that. I was a hopeless romantic in a lot of ways, so my fantasies were usually very caring and gentle and loving and...not this at all. But this felt better than anything had ever felt in my entire life. If I had to choose between getting to re-experience that or every other good thing that had ever occurred in my life, I would choose what had just happened between Sara and me.

 

Sara slipped her hand out of me, and I shook so hard that I thought I might cum again. She'd made me so sensitive. It took me a few minutes of trying to find the strength to lift myself off of the desk before I just gave up and sank to the floor. I looked up, and Sara was sitting on her bed, staring off. I finally managed to pull myself into my own bed.

 

“Sara-” I started, but she didn't let me say anything else.

 

“Just this once,” she said. “Just this once to get it out of my system. I won't do it again.”

 

I wasn't even sure if she was talking to me.

 

I didn't know how to respond. I was feeling everything in that moment. Shock, probably more than anything. Just when I'd thought that I was starting to understand how Sara worked, she bends me over the desk. My body felt abused. I was sure I was bruised and scratched all over, because I could feel it. My muscles ached...all of them at the same time, but they still hummed and wanted Sara to push them just a little bit further. My logical mind peeking through had been the thing that had stopped Sara's hand, not my body.

 

Still, I wanted to cry; I'd had sex twice, and both times, the girls promised to never do it again in different ways. The second time hurt even more than the first had. I couldn't help but feel bad for her, though. She wouldn't be turning her back on me like this had her parents not screwed her up so badly. Sara was a good person. In different circumstances, she would be holding me and running her hands through my hair.

 

Then again, maybe she wouldn't. I'd never thought that she'd be the kind to take me like she had. I hadn't been expecting any of that...but I hadn't hated it. I'd fucking loved it, actually, and I knew I wanted it to happen again.

 

Sara crawled under the covers of her own bed and turned away from me without another word. I pulled my own covers over myself. Too many thoughts...I had too many thoughts to sort through to even begin to know how I felt about what had happened. Still, one thought was much louder than the rest.

 

_I want it to happen again._

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

When I woke up naked in the middle of the night, I spent a minute just confused. My mind couldn't fully recall the events of the previous night, so I couldn't put together why I wouldn't be in my pajamas. One look at Sara asleep in her bed brought all of the memories back, and suddenly, I felt like putting clothes on was the most important thing in the world. She'd seen all of me, so it's not like it really mattered, but I needed to cover myself.

 

I grabbed my underwear off of the ground and slid them on under my covers. They were still damp, and they felt a little cold against me. I managed to grab a tank top that was sitting on the chair and throw that over my head.

 

What the fuck were we gonna do now?

 

It had been so shocking on one level and so predictable on another. What had I been expecting to happen pushing her like that right after she'd opened herself up? I'd known she would eventually lash out at me, and on some level, I'd been hoping it would be in this way. I hadn't expected it to be like that, though. I'd expected I'd have to lead her: go slowly and be patient and tell her that everything would be alright. I hadn't expected her to be so experienced...so confident and sure of herself.

 

I suppose I'd made my assumptions about her, too.

 

Just thinking about everything was starting to give me a migraine, so I tried to go back to sleep. Right when my eyes started to feel heavy, I heard Sara crawl out of her bed. I kept my eyes shut and stayed as still as possible until I heard the first sob. I opened my eyes just enough to see her, and she was on her knees, elbows on her bed, hands clasped in front of her. She was praying, mumbling so quietly that I could only make out “sorry” and “one time” between hiccups. After a while, she crawled back into her bed.

 

I didn't fall back to sleep until I heard her stop crying.

 

I heard the shower running when I woke up the next morning. I ignored the quick thought I had of Sara naked just a room away and hopped out of bed. I tried to get ready before Sara came back, but she walked back into the room as soon as I was up.

 

“Oh,” she said, stopping and looking at me. “Good morning, Tegan.”

 

“Um...morning.” I said. I thought that she would lead the conversation, but she stayed silent and still. I kept talking. “Did you...did you sleep alright?”

 

I cringed at how stupid that question was.

 

She nodded. “Yeah, I slept...” she drifted off, looking at me up and down, and I could feel my face heating up.

 

“Sara?” I said. “You feeling alright?”

 

“Is that my shirt?”

 

I didn't even hear the words she'd said at first, because I was too focused on how they'd come out of her mouth. Like she could barely get them through her throat. Like it had gone instantly dry at the thought of me in her clothes.

 

And that's when it sunk in that I was in her clothes. I'd grabbed her tank top while I was half asleep and looking to cover myself.

 

“Oh shit, sorry!” I said, going to peel the shirt off of myself before catching Sara's eyes glazing over and realizing that I was about to strip in front of her. “Oh God, I'm really sorry!”

 

“It's fine,” she said, turning around. “I just...I just noticed.”

 

She just noticed...because she had fucked me last night, and now I was wearing her clothes the next morning. I should have noticed her smell all over it the second I'd put it on. Maybe I had...maybe that's why I'd kept it on...

 

“I'm just gonna change now,” I said, and she nodded. I took off her top and threw one of my own on (and also took the time to throw on some pants, because I hadn't missed the way she'd looked at my legs). “I didn't mean to. It was just after last night-”

 

“It's fine,” she said again with a forced smile. “It was an accident. I don't mind.”

 

“Alright,” I said, not knowing what else to say. She obviously didn't want to talk about what had happened, and I wasn't sure that I wanted to, either. She wasn't being mean, so I was willing to go along with this for a while. “I need to take a shower. I'll, um...I'll see you at breakfast?”

 

“Maybe at chapel,” she said. “I'm not very hungry. Thinking I might just grab something while you're getting ready and then go for a walk.”

 

“Oh. Okay.” I understood. She needed the space. I ignored the part of myself that felt rejected. “See you then.”

 

I forced a smile and rushed into the bathroom. I leaned against the door for a minute to catch my breath before walking over to the mirror, twisting and turning to see every angle. The damage wasn't as bad as it could have been: some scrapes and bite marks up my back and shoulders, a few bruises around my waist where the desk had pushed into me. There wasn't anything that I couldn't cover with clothes.

 

Well, except for how swollen my lips were from Sara's kisses. I could explain that away if needed, though, and the people here probably wouldn't even notice. I noticed, though. I noticed it just the way I noticed how every little pain made me think of something that Sara had done to me.

 

I got in the shower, and I turned the water all the way to cold. I didn't want to feel this way...or more I didn't want these feelings to turn me on the way that they did. I should be scared of the way Sara had just treated me, but all I could do was try to think of ways to get her to do it again. I laughed a little; I suppose this was how Sara was feeling about liking girls.

 

I wondered how many other girls Sara had done this with...how many of them she'd kissed like that...how many she'd _owned_ like that...how many she'd made cum over and over again until they couldn't breathe...

 

“Fuck,” I said to myself, shivering. The cold water wasn't keeping my mind off of thoughts of the night before, so I turned the dial in the other direction, the water getting just on the edge of burning my skin. I hoped the pain would be distracting, but it just made me start aching in all the places Sara had hurt me the night before, and my fingers were on my clit before my conscious mind could stop it.

 

She was obviously fucked up. Damaged. I knew from the moment that I met her that going this way with her would be a disaster. For fuck's sake, she had  _voluntarily_ come to this place, and I had somehow ended up with her fingers inside of me.

 

I wondered how many fingers she had used on me...

 

I pushed two fingers inside of myself, and I immediately knew that she'd used more. I felt sore, and I knew that Sara may still be on the other side of the door, so I knew I shouldn't have been doing this. I pushed another finger inside of myself and pushed a little bit harder. I winced. It hurt. It felt so good. I knew that I should stop. I knew she'd used more. I pulled my fingers out before pushing them back in with a fourth, and I couldn't hold in the moan that bubbled up from the back of my throat.

 

God, I just wished it was Sara. What the fuck had she done to me?

 

I heard a knock on the door, and I froze.

 

“Yeah?” I called out, hoping my voice didn't shake too much. Had she heard me?

 

“I'm leaving,” Sara called through the door. “Just so you know.”

 

“Okay. Yeah. Thanks.” I heard her walk out of the cabin, and I yanked my fingers out of myself. I couldn't believe I'd just done that. She was right there, and we'd just been together the night before. The layer of awkwardness around us was so thick I could almost taste it in the air, and I still couldn't stop from touching myself in the bathroom.

 

I needed to get it together. I needed to talk to Sara. I didn't want to talk to Sara. Honestly, I didn't even know how to talk about this. I didn't even know what I was feeling. I knew I liked her, I wanted her. It seemed stupid at this point to deny that I had feelings for her, it was just a question of how deep they went. Was this a little crush blown out of proportion because of an amazing fuck, or was it really as special as it felt?

 

One time with one girl was making me question who I was and what I wanted and I didn't know how to say that to her without freaking her (or myself) out.

 

I waited until the last possible moment to make my way to the chapel. I spent all of breakfast trying to set boundaries for myself. Don't look at her. Don't breathe too heavy. Don't try to talk to her. Absolutely do not touch her. Rules that flew out the window almost the second I sat next to her.

 

Being so late meant that I had to squeeze past Sara just to sit down, and I felt light headed just from the feel of her knees brushing the back of my legs. The guy on my other side wasn't giving me a lot of room that day, so Sara and I ended up pressed up to each other. I had to focus all of my thoughts on not fidgeting in my seat. She was trying her hardest not to react at all, but I could see the goosebumps rising on her neck, and I wanted to run my tongue along them.

 

This wasn't healthy.

 

I moved slightly in my seat, and I felt myself ache between my legs. I groaned as quietly as I could, but Sara heard. She looked over at me, and we both blushed.

 

“I'm okay,” I said quickly. She looked away, and I sighed in relief. We did need to talk, but this was just about the worst time to do it. Neither of us scooted away for the entire service, though, and Sara's goosebumps never disappeared. After the service, in her hurry to leave, her hand brushed my thigh, and our eyes met. I opened my mouth to say something (I didn't know what), but she turned and left before I had the chance.

 

“Tegan, you seem distracted today. Did you want to talk?”

 

I barely remembered the walk from chapel to group.

 

“No,” I said.

 

“Come on,” Joe said. “I feel like we've maybe made a little progress together. You've at least been helping Sara.”

 

I could see Sara's whole body tense next to me out of the corner of my eye.

 

“Yes,” I said. “I've been helping Sara. That doesn't mean anything for me.”

 

“It means you think the therapy can work for some people,” Joe said. “When you got here, you didn't think it could work at all.”

 

“It means that I'm helping Sara,” I said. “That's it. Move on.”

 

Joe shook his head and turned to Sara. “How are you doing?”

 

Sara shrunk into herself a bit and looked at the ground. “I don't want to share today.”

 

“Sara, we've been making such great progress. Don't take steps backward.”

 

“I already have,” she said, “but it won't happen again.”

 

“What happened?” Joe asked, and Sara shook her head. “Sara, honesty-”

 

“Stop,” I said. “Leave her alone.”

 

“No,” she said from next to me. “I need this to get better.”

 

I could feel my eyebrows raise on my face.

 

Joe smiled. “Share with us, Sara.”

 

Her eyes hadn't risen from the floor. “I had sinful urges that I let get out of control. Things are getting better in general, though. I choose to focus on that.” She looked up at me, and the look in her eyes had me wishing that everyone else would just get the hell out so she could fuck me in this chair. “I won't let this get the best of me again.”

 

Her eyes were back on the ground, and Joe said something in a sympathetic tone. I couldn't hear the actual words over the blood rushing to my ears.

 

We needed to talk. We  _really_ needed to talk.

 

Of course I had my individual counseling that day. You'd think that they'd get people with a little more expertise to do this part. Supposedly, all of these counselors had doctorates, but I really questioned where they'd gone to school. They didn't seem to be any better than Heather and the lot, and they were all fucking idiots.

 

“Well, it's obvious that something is on your mind,” my counselor, Danny, said. “You should talk it out.”

 

“I should,” I said. “Not to you, though. I really don't think you want to hear what I have to say,”

 

“You know, you can talk to me about anything,” he said. “Any thoughts you're having or any troubles you're facing. I'm here for you.”

 

I hated these. Sitting in a room with someone I didn't trust, being told to spill my darkest secrets. All I wanted to do was run out, and that was on a normal day. Right then, I was feeling like blowing the place up just so I'd never have to come back.

 

“I'm fine,” I said. “Just tired. I've been having trouble sleeping with the heat.”

 

He smiled. “I think there's more to it than that-”

 

“I'm done talking now.”

 

I never said much in that room. I wondered how Sara could say so much to someone who had such a clear agenda, and I then felt angry with myself for breaking my streak of five minutes without a thought of Sara. I wished that Danny was a real therapist. I felt like I could actually use one of those right about then.

 

I skipped lunch and went straight back to the cabin, hoping to have a little bit more time to myself. I didn't know how to act, and I couldn't think clearly. It only got worse when I was around Sara. The whole day was a blur, and I just needed a moment to myself.

 

Unfortunately, Sara seemed to have the same idea.

 

She was sitting at the desk, and I felt a jolt through my body. How could she so casually sit at the desk after what had happened? How could she run her hands across its surface when she knew I'd been there less than a day ago, cumming all over her fingers?

 

She looked over her shoulder at me and sighed. “Hello, Tegan.”

 

I walked over and sat on my bed. “Hey.”

 

We didn't say anything else for a few minutes. Sara went back to her bible, and I laid down. It felt surreal...like the both of us just wished we'd tried a little harder to just ignore each other. It couldn't be that hard...

 

It really was.

 

“I didn't eat anything for lunch, yet,” she said. “I should probably get something.”

 

“No,” I said before she could stand up, and she looked at me.

 

“Tegan-”

 

“We have to talk about it,” I said. “We have to talk about what...well, I'm still not quite sure what happened.”

 

“I lost control,” she said, looking away from me. “It won't happen again.”

 

“You keep saying that,” I said, annoyed. “How many times has it happened before?”

 

“That's personal.”

 

“I know,” I said. “Just tell me.”

 

I saw her jaw clench and release a few times. “I don't know.”

 

“You don't know?” I asked. “What does that mean?”

 

“I just...I lost count.”

 

I tried to keep my face calm so she'd keep talking, but I was sure my face twitched a little bit. She'd lost count? How do you lose count? How many times did you have to do this for you to  _lose fucking count?_

 

“Like, um, could you ballpark it?” I asked after a minute.

 

Her cheeks turned red. “Tegan, that was the last time. It doesn't matter how many times it's happened before.”

 

“More than ten?”

 

“Tegan, stop-”

 

“Fifteen? Were they all...” I swallowed hard. “...rough like that?”

 

Sara was squeezing her eyes shut. “I told you I don't know. I...I have urges. For the most part, I don't let them get to me. Sometimes, they become too much. My first time was at fourteen. I went on a field trip to an amusement park. I met a girl. She was a couple years older than me and with another school, and we spent the day together. Right before it was time for us to leave, she took me into a bathroom stall. She kissed me, and I wanted to stop her, because I knew it was wrong...but I didn't, because I'd wanted her to kiss me the whole day. I let her kiss me. And I let her slip her hand into my pants.”

 

“Holy shit,” I said without thinking. I regretted the words the second they were out of my mouth. Sara started to withdraw into herself, crossing her arms. “No, that wasn't-I'm not saying it was bad. I just wasn't expecting that.”

 

“Neither was I, but I didn't stop it. It felt...” She took a shuddering breath. “It felt _so fucking good_ , Tegan. I couldn't stop it. I just told myself that it would be the only time. I'd never see this girl again, and this had been the first time I'd kissed someone since I'd been caught. I just needed to know what it felt like. I needed to let my sin control me this one time, and then it would let me go.”

 

“But it didn't work,” I said for her. “It kept happening.”

 

“I started sneaking out of my house at fifteen. My parents didn't know for a long time. I'd start to feel crazy, and I'd know that I needed to just feel it one more time. I never meant for it to keep happening. or to keep liking it, or for it to happen so much my parents finally started to suspect and stopped letting me out of the house for anything but school. They tried to help me, but it just seemed to make it worse.”

 

“How?” I asked.

 

“It didn't stop me from leaving at night. It made it harder, so I did it less, but eventually, I'd leave.” Her eyes were hollow. She was staring at my neck, and I realized that I hadn't totally covered one of her marks. I pulled my collar up, but it immediately fell back down, and Sara's eyes didn't move. “I would find some willing girl and take her wherever was most convenient. Sometimes it was their apartment, sometimes it was their car, sometimes it was the alleyway behind a club. It didn't matter. I always planned for each of them to be the last.”

 

I didn't know what to say. I was trying so hard to ignore the part of me that felt used, because it was clear that Sara had much bigger problems than I'd thought. I wanted to be there for her, despite the fact that she'd made me one of an apparently long list of meaningless girls that she'd fucked in unimportant places. She needed someone.

 

“You really are the last, though,” she said to me.

 

“Why?” I asked. “Why am I different?”

 

“Because this place is making me better,” she said for the thousandth time. “And I need you to be my friend. I can't hate you. I can't leave you, so you have to be the last.”

 

“You don't have to leave me.” The words were coming out of my mouth before I could think them through. I didn't even know why I was saying them.

 

Yes I did.

 

“I am _sick,_ Tegan,” she said, her voice becoming sharper, and I couldn't ignore the way my body responded to it. I gulped and shifted on the bed as inconspicuously as I could. “I don't choose this. I don't choose you.”

 

I bit my lip and ignored that.

 

“You don't choose anything,” I said. “You just _want_ me.”

 

“I've _wanted_ many girls, Tegan,” she said, her voice getting low. “You aren't special.”

 

I ignored that, too. It wasn't as easy as the others, though.

 

“You know that there's something here,” I said, barely above a whisper. “Yesterday was-”

 

“A mistake.”

 

“Fucking amazing,” I said, looking straight in her eyes. “I've never been touched like that.”

 

“Bullshit,” she spat. “I'm not naïve.”

 

“Sara, I've never come close to anything like that touching myself, and the only other time I've ever had sex was good, but it wasn't...Sara, it wasn't what we had.”

 

Her eyes went wide. “What did you just say?”

 

“What we did, it was special-”

 

“No, what did you mean the only other time?” She looked panicked. “You told me you done this before.”

 

“No, you assumed I'd done this before.” I took a deep breath. She'd been honest. The least I could do was be honest with her, too. “The only other time I've ever had sex was what landed me here. You were number two.”

 

Her face got paler by the second. She opened and closed her mouth a few times, but she didn't say anything. She moved from the desk to her bed, seeming to want to put more distance between us.

 

“I didn't know,” she said. “I really didn't know. I'm so sorry.”

 

“Don't be,” I said quickly. “I wanted it.”

 

“I wouldn't have done that if I'd known.”

 

“Then I'm glad you didn't.” I didn't even know what I was saying anymore. She was staring at my lips again. God, I hoped I got to kiss her again, even if everything was such a mess

 

Before she could reply, there was a knock at the door before it started to open. We both jumped, despite the fact that we were on opposite sides of the room.

 

“Tegan,” Heather called me with a smile. “You have a phone call.”

 

“Is it my parents?” I asked. I really didn't think I could deal with talking to them right now.

 

“No, it's your cousin,” she said. I tried to keep the confusion off of my face. I really doubted that my parents had let anyone in my family know where I was, so it probably was a friend. I wondered who would have been able to (or who would care to, at this point) find me. I got up and left, giving Sara one last look that said we would finish this later before I walked ouq 1t the door.

 

Heather walked me to the front office and left me in the personal call room. I picked up the phone.

 

“Hello?”

 

“I'm so glad to hear you're okay.”

 

I couldn't believe my ears. I sat down in the chair next to the phone.

 

“Lindsey?”

 

 


	10. Chapter 10

I'd had a guess or two for who would be calling me. I thought maybe it was one of my friends from school. I was never very close to anyone, but a few of the kids that ran in the same circles that I did would love the drama of tracking me down in a pray-away-the-gay camp. There were also those couple of kids that just had to know everything that was going on, even though high school was over. I even thought that it may have been one of my actual cousins, calling either to say they still loved me or (much more likely) to shun me from the family.

 

Lindsey was just about the last person that I was expecting to hear on the other line.

 

“How are you, Tegan?” She asked me, like she was relieved to hear my voice. Like she was worried about me.

 

“Are you...are you fucking kidding me right now?” I was furious. “You have the nerve to call me after everything you did?”

 

“I know that you're upset. I would be, too.”

 

“Don't act like you're my friend. We weren't friends. We weren't anything, apparently.”

 

“You know that's not true,” she said. “You know I liked you so much-”

 

“But you liked your boyfriend's cock more.”

 

“Tegan, stop, and let me explain-”

 

“What could you possibly say?” I was trying so hard to keep my voice down. If they heard me on the other side of the door, they might take all call privileges away, but that didn't mean that it was easy. “What could you say that would fix what you so royally fucked up, Lindsey?”

 

“Nothing, okay?!” she finally yelled at me. “I'm not trying to make things better. I'm not trying to get you to forgive me. I'm trying to make sure that you're okay!”

 

“Where the fuck was that care when I was begging you to take me in at your place?”

 

“Look, I was in shock. Honestly, Tegan, I never thought anything was going to happen between us. You were cute, and you thought I was cute, and I thought we were having fun. Then we started kissing, and you started taking me on dates, and I just...I couldn't get myself to tell you that I had a boyfriend.”

 

I shook my head, even though she couldn't see me. This was a waste. This whole conversation was a waste, and it had interrupted a conversation that I actually needed to happen.

 

“Lindsey, I don't need to hear your whole sad sob story. It's fine.”

 

I heard her sigh over the phone. “I get that you're mad, but would you just shut up for a minute.”

 

“I could hang up,” I said.

 

“Don't! I'm sorry, okay? I was just saying that this really moved fast. I mean, in one day, we went from having wonderful sex to you crying at my door. I panicked, and I made all the wrong calls, and I'm sorry.”

 

I wanted to still be angry with her, but the more she spoke, the more I realized that I just didn't care as much about what she'd done to me. It wasn't that I forgave her, but more that I just didn't feel that passionately about her anymore. I didn't feel as hurt by her, because I didn't feel as strongly for her. Of course, it would always hurt on some level, because Lindsey was my first taste of love, but she wasn't my focus anymore. My mind and my heart had gone elsewhere quickly.

 

It terrified me that Sara meant so much more to me than Lindsey ever had.

 

And I'd told Lindsey that I was in love with her.

 

“It's...it's okay,” I finally mumbled out.

 

“Really?” she asked. “You go from cursing me out and barely letting me get in two uninterrupted sentences to 'It's okay'? Why?”

 

“Because you were right when you said that not everyone you end up with is going to be your soul mate.” I just wanted to get back to the cabin. “Are we done now?”

 

“I could get you out.”

 

The sentence filled me with hope and dread at the same time.

 

“Whatever,” I said, scoffing.

 

“These places aren't as thorough with their checks as they should be,” she said. “Hell, I've just been calling around, asking for you at every gay camp I could find, saying I was your cousin.”

 

“Jesus,” I said with a small laugh. “How long did that take?”

 

“Pretty much from the moment that I realized that I was a really shitty person for turning my back on you. I started with the worst places first. The ones where they...well, I figured if you were at one of those, I'd want to get you out as soon as possible. Those places did have tighter security, though, so I'm really glad you ended up where you did.”

 

“Yeah, it's been a joy,” I said sarcastically. “I'm so glad that I ended up at the weird Sunshine Cult correctional camp where they make you hate yourself with a smile.”

 

“I'm sorry,” she said. “I wasn't trying to say that what you're going through isn't tough. That's why I want to get you out. I could at least try. You could stay at my place, and my boyfriend wouldn't care as long as we aren't together anymore. Please, Tegan.”

 

I needed to say yes. For every logical reason in the entire world, I needed to say yes. Even if it wouldn't be ideal to temporarily live with my ex and her boyfriend, it was a hell of a lot better than what I had here. I could get a job and take out loans and pay for school myself. I might have to put my music dreams on hold, because I wouldn't have a lot of free time, but at least I would be able to be myself. I'd be able to pretend that this was all a dream.

 

Except for Sara.

 

“I can't, Lindsey,” I heard myself say.

 

“What?” She couldn't believe it. “What do you meant you can't?”

 

“I just...I can't just move in with you after everything that happened. I can't trust you.” I lied. Well, it was true in part, but not the real reason.

 

“Okay. I get that. So you're just staying there?”

 

“It's not that much longer,” I said. “Like you said, at least they aren't beating me.”

 

She was quiet for a second before saying, “Alright. Still, if you need anything, just give me a call, and when you get out, I'll try to get you some money to help you get out on your own. It won't be much, but it's better than nothing.”

 

“Lindsey, you don't have to-”

 

“It's the least I can do,” she said.

 

I heard a knock at the door. “I have to go. I...I'm glad you called.” I felt weird saying it, but it was true. It was nice to be able to let go of a little bit of anger. It felt good to have closure on something.

 

“No problem, Tegan. Bye.”

 

“Bye.” I hung up the phone and walked out of the room. Heather was on the other side of the door.

 

“Good conversation?” she asked with her usual smile.

 

“Yeah,” I said. “Just a little pep talk.”

 

“Oh, good!” she said as we started to walk back to my cabin. “I know you don't see it, Tegan, but you're getting much better.”

 

“Uh huh,” I said, trying to ignore her.

 

“You don't speak out in group anymore, you participate in Arts and Crafts. You always donate to all of our fundraisers.”

 

“I don't donate. I buy junk food,” I said, and Heather laughed.

 

“You have such a good sense of humor!” Her laughter died down. “I know you use it as a shield, though. I know that deep down, you want help. I know because once upon a time, I was just like you. I thought that giving in was being myself, but really, it was just letting my sin suppress my real self.”

 

“Yes,” I finally said. “I've heard this speech at least three times from every person who works at this camp.”

 

And Sara.

 

I fucking hated these people and Sara's parents for making her hate herself.

 

We were finally back at the cabin, and I went to open my door, but Heather's hand on my arm stopped me.

 

“You should follow Sara's lead,” she said. “Let her show you the way to recovery.”

 

Heather's words held more meaning than they should have.

 

I went into the cabin, and Sara was lying down on her bed.

 

“Is everything okay?” she asked.

 

I nodded. “Yeah, everything's fine.”

 

“Are you sure you aren't mad at me?” she said, sitting up in her bed. “I promise that I didn't know...although, that doesn't really make anything better, does it?”

 

We dropped into silence for a while. Who was Sara? Was she the stuck up bitch or the sweet teenager who just needed love or the sex goddess who took what she wanted or the broken soul...I realized that it was probably all of the above. I should have been put off, but it just made me more interested.

 

I sighed after she'd come out of the bathroom, now dressed in her PJs. “I promise you that I don't feel bad about it. You didn't cross a line. I wanted it.”

 

“Please don't say that,” she said. “Please stop making this harder.”

 

“Sara, what is it going to take for you to stop fighting this? Isn't it obvious that you like me?”

 

“I don't,” she said. “Not like that. You were just...there.”

 

“I think you're lying,” I said. “I think if Lindsey hadn't called me before, we might have actually gotten somewhere.”

 

Sara's eyes flashed, and for a split second, I saw the look she'd given me before bending me over the desk. It instantly made me so wet I could feel it.

 

“What about Lindsey?”

 

Sara knew Lindsey's name from some stories that I'd told her while we were getting along. I suppose now Sara had put together that Lindsey was the other woman I'd ever been with.

 

“Um...yeah. It wasn't my cousin on the phone after all.” I felt guilty for not telling her, but then I felt stupid for feeling guilty. I didn't have to tell Sara anything.

 

“Why was she calling?” she asked.

 

“Why do you care?” I shot back.

 

Sara closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths. “I'm going to sleep.”

 

Circles. All we did was go in circles. Sara just kept forcing us into the same fucking argument because she refused to admit the feelings that were so obviously there. I'd tried to ignore them like she had, but at some point, you have to realize when something greater than yourself was happening.

 

She wanted to keep falling into the same patterns? That was just fine with me. I just wasn't letting her lead the conversation anymore.

 

“She called to check on me,” I said. “She said she's been trying to find me since my parents sent me off.”

 

Sara turned away from me and pulled back the covers on her bed. “I said I was going to sleep.”

 

“She said she was going to try to get me out.”

 

She froze, still facing away. It was so much like she had when she'd been about to walk out of the cabin. She spoke instead of turning around, though.

 

“Good,” she finally mumbled out, and then started crawling into the bed. I crossed the room and grabbed her arm before she could get in. She tried to pull her arm away, but I wouldn't let go.

 

“Stop being stubborn and just talk to me!”

 

“Let go!” She pulled harder, and I knocked into her. We both fell onto the bed, me on top, and she immediately started trying to shove me off.

 

“Fucking wait!” I was trying to keep her from knocking me on the floor. I ended up having to put my full weight on her. I was straddling her, trying to grab her arms as she tried to push me away. “Just calm the hell down!”

 

I grabbed her wrists and pinned them to the bed. I closed my eyes. I knew what position we were in. I tried to calm myself down, but Sara pushed her hips up into me, and my eyes shot open.

 

For a split second, she looked like she was enjoying having me on top of her. Her lower lip was between her teeth, and her chest was rising and falling quickly. I briefly worried that she was having an asthma attack before her eyes turned mean and she flipped our positions.

 

“Get out of my bed, Tegan,” she practically growled.

 

“No. Even if you weren't on top of me, I'd still say no.”

 

My comment seemed to catch her off guard, so I took that time to roll us back over and put myself on top. Sara never let me fully pin her this time, though. She rolled her hips and grabbed my hands, and tried to push me off.

 

“Tegan, stop!” she yelled, getting on top again.

 

“Stop because you don't want it, or stop because you can't stop yourself?”

 

I managed to slip a leg between hers, and as if on instinct, she ground down on it and moaned. I'd said it before: this wasn't healthy. If she didn't want to talk, I should respect her space. I should have let her go to sleep. Those were all the “right” things to do. The wrong thing would be pushing harder into her, which is what I did.

 

“You don't know what you're doing,” she said almost to herself. “You've only been with one other girl one other time. You aren't like me.”

 

“I know exactly what I'm doing,” I said, getting my hands free and grabbing her hips. I was so glad that I was getting to see her face this time. No matter how much I could see her trying to hold back, she was loving this. This was stupid. “I can take it, Sara. I can take you.”

 

She leaned down and kissed me hard. She bit my lip, and I worried that it would swell before realizing that I hoped it did. She pulled my tongue into her mouth before she pulled her lips away. She still stayed close enough for me to feel her breath as she spoke.

 

“Why won't you just stop talking? Why can't you leave me alone?”

 

“Because you don't want me to.”

 

She pulled my shirt off and started biting my left nipple. She used a hand to start pinching and pulling the other one. My arms wrapped around her, and my nails dug into her back. Why did I like the pain so much? I tried to touch her, but she had both of my hands trapped with the one hand she had left. I didn't understand how she managed it; it wasn't like she was stronger than I was. She stopped straddling my leg and scooted up to my waist.

 

I kept trying to free myself and gain the upper hand, but my efforts diminished as she kept at my chest. I didn't really want to fight her anymore, anyway. I just wanted her inside of me again. Still, I had to keep pushing, or Sara would start to feel guilt for giving me what I so desperately needed from her.

 

“Let me go,” I demanded. “Let me touch you.”

 

She let go of my nipple with a pop. My chest was red where her mouth had been, and I leaned up to kiss her before she could stop me. Her hands were around my wrists, trying to pin me back down, but she was kissing me back. Before I knew what was happening, we fell on the ground. Landing on Sara broke my fall, but her eyes snapped shut when her head hit the ground.

 

“Oh my God, are you okay?” I asked, running my fingers through her hair.

 

She answered by flipping us over and putting her mouth back on mine. Sara didn't know how to talk. That much was clear. When we'd been friendly, she would tell me random stories, but even then, I knew that there were large parts missing. She couldn't take really thinking about what was happening, and for the moment, that was fine for me. I kissed her back just as hard as she was kissing me.

 

She pulled my pants and underwear off and slipped her fingers inside of me. I knew it was less than last time. Probably two. She was holding back because she still felt bad. It still felt good, but I wanted her to fuck me like she had before. She curled her fingers inside of me and pulled my earlobe into her mouth, and I could hear every little whimper that bubbled up in the back of her throat.

 

I didn't need it to be like before. This was fucking amazing, too.

 

Sara's thrusts were slow and deep, and her other hand went back to my chest. I wanted her to be naked. She'd gotten me naked twice, and I'd never seen her. I went to say something about it when Sara groaned in my ear before pulling away a little.

 

“Damn it,” she said, quickly sliding down my body. Her hand kept moving as her mouth latched onto my clit.

 

“Oh, fuck!” I hoped that no one was anywhere near our cabin, because they would have definitely heard that. This was new. I'd never let anyone touch me like this. I'd thought about it and imagined it more times than I could count, and I'd thought I had a pretty good idea of how it would feel.

 

I hadn't even been close.

 

My hips started rolling on instinct, and Sara just kept licking and sucking and pushing harder and faster into me. I suddenly remembered that I could move my arms, and my hands were instantly in her hair, holding her still while I pushed myself against her mouth and her hand. The harder I pushed and the more hair I grabbed, the more I felt Sara moan against me.

 

I wasn't going to last long. I wanted to hold out for as long as I could, because I didn't know when the next time would be, but she was making it hard.

 

“Sara...fuck, I-” I cut myself off. I didn't know what I was about to say, but I knew I was caught up and on the edge of an orgasm. Nothing good could come from me speaking my feelings right then. “Just make me cum.”

 

Sara stopped for a second, and I got scared that she was going to pull away, but she just took a deep breath right against my pussy, before pushing back in with three fingers. She pulled on my clit with her lips, and I felt myself go over the edge. I was cumming, and Sara just kept fucking me, building me up again before I had ever really had a chance to come down. Her tongue was flicking me hard and fast, and my thighs clamped around her head.

 

For a second, I was legitimately scared that I was going to pass out when I came again. The wind got completely knocked out of my lungs, and I saw spots in my vision. I couldn't stop the tremors wracking through my body, and it took me until it was almost over for me to realize that I'd been chanting Sara's name since the first orgasm had started. I only stopped when my throat was dry and I was spent.

 

Sara pulled out her fingers and started licking everywhere there was any cum on my skin. My thighs, the curve of my ass, my lips...then she laid her head on my inner thigh while she caught her breath. I could feel her cheek puff against my leg as she tried to pull air into her lungs. It felt oddly intimate, but I didn't say that out loud. I didn't want her to stop. This was a lot more attention than she'd given me after the first time. I liked it. I wished it could last forever.

 

Of course, right after I jinxed myself with that thought, Sara stood up. Again, it struck me that she'd managed to keep her clothes on. I knew that the next time, I would need to make sure that I got to see her.

 

There would be a next time. At this point, no matter how unhealthy this was, I needed it. I needed Sara.

 

“I hope I didn't hurt you,” she said quietly, sitting on her bed. Once again, I laid on the floor while she stared off, sitting on her bed.

 

“I'm fine,” I said. I grabbed my clothes and put them back on. I sat on my bed facing her. Her eyes seemed to focus, and tears rushed to her eyes. She kept them from falling.

 

“This can't keep happening, Tegan.”

 

“I know. It won't.” I was lying. I wondered if on some level, she was, too.

 

We both sat on our beds staring at each other for a while. I had no idea how long. This felt so stupid and frustrating to me. I wanted to crawl into her bed. I wanted to make her feel like she'd made me feel. I wanted her to hold me. Instead, we just sat here, staring at each other, because I knew Sara wouldn't give me those things. Not this time, anyway.

 

“Please don't go,” she finally said, and my eyes went wide. “I'm not...I don't want you like that. We can't be like this. Just...I need you here. I don't know why, but I know I need you here for me. I won't make it through this without you.”

 

I sat and stared at her, trying to put a proper thought together. What could I say to that? Her face started to fall, and I had to say something.

 

“I'm not leaving you,” came out, and Sara gave me a half smile.

 

“And you agree...to just be my friend?” she asked.

 

I hesitated for a second before saying, “Yes.”

 

Sara turned away after she got her answer. She said a quick goodnight while she faced the wall and away from me. I watched her from my bed, and I imagined what it would be like for her to hold me after we had sex. I closed my eyes, and clung to the memory of her cheek on my thigh as I fell asleep.

 

 


	11. Chapter 11

I woke up the next morning, and Sara was sitting at the desk. I moved slightly in the bed, and she looked over to me.

 

“Good morning, Tegan,” she said with a smile. “I brought you a glass of juice.”

 

I didn't know what to say to that. I was still waking up, trying to sort through my dreams and what had happened with her the night before. It hadn't been like the first time. She hadn't completely disconnected from me. She'd asked me to stay. Now, she was bringing me juice.

 

It was confusing.

 

“Thanks,” I said, taking the juice off of the table and taking a sip. “What time is it?”

 

“Around 6.”

 

“Why are you up?”

 

She looked away. “I couldn't sleep.”

 

“At all?”

 

“I did on and off all night. I just couldn't settle.”

 

“Do you want to talk about it?” I asked her, and she shook her head. “Sara, we can't just ignore it again. That never works.”

 

“I'm not ignoring it,” she said. “I'm just not ready to talk about it with you, yet. I just want to be happy that you're here and that you're my friend. We can talk later.”

 

“What if I want to talk now?” I asked. “What if I have things to say?”

 

“Then say them,” she said.

 

I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. I wanted to say everything all at once, so I didn't have anything solid to say. She may have been onto something.

 

“Sorry,” I said.

 

Sara turned her chair to fully face me and smiled. “It's okay. I'm just glad you're here.”

 

I really, _really_ wanted to scream. I didn't want to pretend that this hadn't happened, but I knew that if I did try to talk about this, it would just lead to her shutting down or fucking me senseless, and neither seemed productive (though one seemed a lot more appealing). I was starting to get to the point where I didn't really care. At least, I didn't _want_ to care. I didn't want to constantly be thinking about how my feelings and actions would affect her. I wanted to tell her off for doing this to me, but I couldn't, because I still did care.

 

I ground my teeth for a few seconds before saying, “I'm glad I stayed.”

 

It was true. That's why I was so fucking mad.

 

I forced myself to take a few deep breaths and relax when I saw the concerned look on Sara's face. I picked up the glass of juice and finished it before getting out of bed.

 

“I think I'm gonna try to take a walk before breakfast,” Sara said.

 

“That's cool,” I said.

 

“Do you want to join me?” she asked. She almost sounded hopeful. She definitely sounded hopeful.

 

“Sure,” I said immediately. “Just give me a second to throw on some clothes.”

 

“What you're wearing is fine,” she said with a smirk, and it stopped me a second before I walked into the bathroom. I was in my underwear and a tank top. Before I could respond, she laughed a little and said, “I was just teasing.”

 

I let out a weird fake laugh and hurried into the bathroom. What the hell was that? I took a minute to calm down. I was probably reading too much into it. She had been very clear that she just wanted to be friends (with her words...her actions said something else entirely, but we were ignoring that for now), so there was no way that she was flirting with me now.

 

I put my clothes on, and we left the cabin. We didn't say much at first. I was just enjoying the day before it would get hot later, and I tried to put some of my thoughts in order. It didn't really work, though.

 

“I wish they had coffee here,” Sara finally said. “Outside of the occasional soda, there's nothing with caffeine. I guess that stuff isn't good for us, anyway.”

 

“Whatever. It's not like we're not gonna have sugar and caffeine and shitty food after we leave this place. It just feels like they're trying to exhaust us, and if we didn't skip or sneak out of every event ever, we probably would be.” I glanced over to her. “Sorry. Negative.”

 

“It's fine,” she said. “I feel a little exhausted at the moment.”

 

She looked like she'd said something that she shouldn't have. Saying she was tired was like saying that this was getting hard...maybe even harder than it ever had been for her, and it seemed that she'd already been through a lot.

 

“You didn't sleep well,” I said, giving her the easy excuse. “It's understandable.”

 

She smiled. “You seemed a little restless, yourself.”

 

“When?”

 

“When you were sleeping.”

 

It took everything in me to not trip over my own feet. She'd been watching me sleep.

 

“Oh. Yeah. Nightmares.”

 

“You have those a lot,” she said.

 

“How often do you have trouble sleeping?” I asked her, and she blushed.

 

“It's not that,” she said. “I'm just a light sleeper, and you make noises in your sleep a lot of the time.”

 

Every time I talked to Sara, I tried to keep myself calm, but she always somehow got under my skin.

 

“What kind of noises?” I asked with as even a tone as I could manage.

 

“Tegan, it's nothing to be embarrassed of,” she said. “And it doesn't bother me. I fall right back to sleep. It's okay to be afraid of things.”

 

I relaxed a little bit, but tried to change the subject. “Do you do this a lot? Go on walks?”

 

“Yeah, it's really pretty out here. It gives me time to think, and it gives me a change from shuffling from one room to another.”

 

“Well, I'm glad I came today.”

 

“You could come more often, you know,” she said. “I know that would require you getting out of bed before the absolute last minute.”

 

“There's nothing wrong with liking to sleep,” I said. “On the other hand, the lack of sun and exercise is probably not the best for my health or appearance, so I should probably take you up on that offer.”

 

“Your appearance is fine, but if that's what you need to say to yourself to come with me, then by all means.”

 

It was alarming how easily Sara's charm came to her when she tried. I would have hated to have been one of the girls that she came across in a bar. I would have fallen in love two words in, and it would have broken me to watch her go in the morning.

 

“I don't need to tell myself anything to hang out with you, Sara.” I knew I was flirting. I knew I shouldn't be, but I knew I was. Sara just smiled wider and kept walking with me.

 

We didn't stop talking to each other until we had to go to chapel. I spent the entire time trying to sit the correct amount of distance away from her. I didn't want to touch her, but I didn't want her to think I was trying to sit away from her.

 

Arts and Crafts was next, and it seemed that Sara had lost all concept of a personal bubble. Suddenly, she had to reach across me for everything. Her arms had touched my chest so many times that my nipples were hard, and I felt overwhelmed.

 

“What are we even making?” I asked about halfway through.

 

“I don't know,” she said with a little laugh. “I've had other things on my mind. I figure if we do something, it's better than doing nothing.”

 

I was a little surprised. This was the first time Sara hadn't been committed to a project. No matter how many times I said they were stupid, Sara always hushed me and finished the assignments. I suppose she was still doing that, but her heart didn't seem to be in it.

 

“Whatever you say,” I said. “As long as I don't have to do anything.”

 

“Just sit there and watch me like you always do.” She smirked at me again as she reached around my body to grab some glue that she didn't need. She already had glue right next to her. I liked this side of her. It was like having a friend...but God, it was also such a turn on.

 

She smiled fully and said, “I'm glad that we can joke like this, now. You're my first normal friend.”

 

I sighed. “Yeah. Sure. Whatever.”

 

“Don't get upset,” she said.

 

“I'm not upset,” I replied. “I like being your friend.” I did. I was just sick of the emotion roller coaster between “normal” friend and I-Hate-You-Because-I-Want-You friend and flirty friend and fuck friend. It seemed like it would be easier to make her my girlfriend so I could just wrap this up in a nicer package.

 

Sara and I spent the rest of the day talking. It was nice getting to see a calmer side of her. She was funny in this awkward kind of way that had me in fits.

 

“So are you ready to talk at all?” I finally said as she sat on her bed and I sat on the chair.

 

“Not really,” she said, and I held back the groan I wanted to let out.

 

“Can you at least tell me why you've been so...nice to me all day?”

 

“Am I not supposed to be nice to my friends?”

 

“Come on, Sara. You know what's happened between us-”

 

“And I know that you agreed to be my friend. I know that this isn't how you want to handle this, but this is how I need to. I like it when we get along, Tegan. I like being able to talk to you.”

 

She said my name a lot. I only noticed because I couldn't help but want to hear what it would sound like with her thighs around my head every time she said it.

 

“I like getting on your nerves,” I said with a smirk. I wanted to push her again, but she just smiled back at me.

 

“You say that, but I seem to be the one that always makes you nervous.” She was so close to me so fast. Leaning over me in the chair. Why was she so confident all of the sudden? She giggled and walked away into the bathroom, yelling, “Proved my point,” before closing the door.

 

She was driving me crazy. I didn't mind.

 

The next couple of days were full of comments and light touches and easy conversation. We were back to spending all our time next to each other talking until the absolute last moment we could drag ourselves apart to sleep in our separate beds. It just made me want her to touch me more, but every time I tried to get a rise out of her, she just turned it around on me.

 

“You're staring at my lips again, Sara.”

 

“You only think that because you're staring at my eyes.”

 

No matter how many times I made myself cum in the shower, it didn't stop me from getting worked up when she threw my own actions in my face. It was like it had to be her that brought me to orgasm or it didn't matter.

 

We were in my bed. She was sitting up, and I was already tucked in. Her hand was on my hip over the cover, slowly rubbing small circles with her palm. I was already half asleep.

 

“You know,” she said. “I'm going to have to hear you sing one day.”

 

“Not today,” I mumbled.

 

“Not today,” she agreed. “I just liked hanging out today.”

 

“We barely did anything,” I said. “I talked. You took notes.”

 

“I listened,” she said back. “I like just listening to you sometimes.”

 

Her fingers squeezed my hip a little, and I tried not to gulp too hard.

 

“You know, you always talk about yourself and get all deep, and I just realized that I haven't told you anything really personal about me.”

 

Sara looked me straight in the eye. “Do you want to tell me something?”

 

I shrugged. “Is there anything you want to know?”

 

“How was your first time with Lindsey?” she asked, and I raised an eyebrow at her. “This is something that friends ask each other at sleepovers. Don't read into it.”

 

“It's not reading into it if you really are asking because you're jealous.” I smiled at her, happy when I saw the small flicker of annoyance cross her face. It was gone in an instant, though. Replaced by the confident look I was starting to get used to.

 

“Is this just you trying to avoid talking about getting fucked by another girl?” I swear she moved a fraction of an inch closer to me, and her circles started to feel more like she was rubbing up and down along my hip and leg. I fucking hated that she could do that to me now.

 

“Can't we talk about anything else?” I was out of breath, and she hadn't even done anything to me. Her hand moved off of me and onto the bed.

 

“Okay...what about school. How was school for you?”

 

“Alright, I guess. I spent a lot of time wishing that I could meet other gay girls. Once I figured it out, about halfway through freshman year, I just wanted girls to kiss me. Every girl that was willing, I tried to date. Then I realized that I didn't just want to date any girl. Having a sense of being selective when your selection pool is so small sucks. It feels like you'll always be alone. Lindsey was probably only the third girl I've ever been interested in that was interested in me.”

 

“Do you think you'll get back together with her after you get out of here?” she asked. “It seems like you have some pretty strong feelings for her.”

 

“I did. I had strong feelings for her, but I don't anymore. She has a boyfriend.”

 

“If she didn't, would you want her?”

 

I shook my head. If she hadn't had a boyfriend, she probably would have let me move in, and I never would have ended up at the camp. I never would have met Sara. I didn't regret meeting Lindsey like I had. I think I could finally forgive her, because everything she'd done had led me here to Sara.

 

“I don't know what would have happened. I just know I don't have feelings for her now. She's just...a friend. At best.”

 

“And the sex?”

 

“Is better with you.”

 

Her face went serious, and I knew I'd gone a little too far. Sara's eyes closed, and she took several slow breaths.

 

“That's not what I was asking.” Her eyes opened. “But I suppose I'll take the compliment.”

 

I was shocked for a second before I started laughing. “More teasing?”

 

She smiled and nodded. “You look tired.”

 

“I'm...yeah.” I'd barely been awake 20 minutes before then. Now I was almost delirious. “I need sleep.”

 

“I feel like you sleep more than a normal person.”

 

“I feel like you never sleep at all,” I managed to get out.

 

“My way makes it easier to get things done.” I didn't say anything else. I couldn't think. My eyes weren't open. I wasn't quite asleep, but I couldn't move. “Tegan?” Her hand went up to my shoulder, and I felt goosebumps run from my arm up my neck. Her hand slowly ran from my arm to my cheek. I couldn't move. I wouldn't even if I could.

 

Sara's thumb ran along my cheek and touched the corner of my lip. I wished that she would just kiss me, but I supposed that I should be glad that she wouldn't do anything to me while I was asleep. I still wanted her to kiss me.

 

I let out a breath. “Why isn't this place helping me with you?” Her hand ran gently through my hair. “Why can't I stop wanting you?”

 

I wanted to say something, but I was asleep before she even made it the distance between my bed and hers. I dreamed that Sara kissed me. I dreamed that her mouth was back on my clit, but we weren't in this stupid camp. We were in my house, and I was getting to see her and touch her.

 

From that moment on, Sara got more and more comfortable with me, but she seemed to be less and less comfortable at group and in activities. Her one-on-one session was the shortest it had ever been, and every time Joe tried to get her to open up, she refused to talk. The only person she really talked to was me.

 

“Look, Sara, I don't know what's gotten into you, but I feel like your progress is going out the window. You said you were getting better,” Joe said to her in front of everyone.

 

I wanted to jump in and defend her, but it seemed to usually make things worse. Sara just seemed annoyed by him.

 

“I thought I was,” she said. “I'm not so sure any more.”

 

“Does this have anything to do with Tegan?” Heather asked from behind Joe.

 

“Wait a minute,” I said. “I haven't done anything.”

 

“She really hasn't,” Sara said. “Every time I tell her to do anything she does. She's very respectful.”

 

I had to concentrate to keep the smile off of my face. Joe had one of his own, but it was obviously forced.

 

“Sara, as a Christian, you know all about backsliding. Maybe you need to re-commit yourself to becoming your real self.”

 

“I am still dedicated to finding my real self,” Sara said. “I just don't know that I've been going about it the right way.”

 

“Well, that's okay!” Joe said, clapping his hands. “You all probably feel a little stagnated in your recovery. That's why it's time for our camp's annual hike-and-camp overnight trip! We work together to find the grounds, set up tents, get fires started...it's a great chance for us all to mingle and get to know other people outside of our bunk mates. We still encourage you to be with your new best friends, though, so you'll be sharing tents! They're roomy enough that you won't be inappropriately close, and there with be counselors patrolling to make sure that your demons don't take you over.”

 

I shook my head and glanced at Sara. She seemed just as over it as I felt. It was a nice change.

 

“I'll be making sure you kids are alright,” Heather said, stepping forward. “The hike-and-camp is always my favorite part of camp! Have fun, and be open to any new feelings that may be coming to you. Don't fight it. Let natural desires take over.”

 

Were they basically encouraging us to hook up with the opposite gender? I wasn't even surprised any more.

 

Group let out, and Sara was supposed to have an extra meeting with her personal counselor, but I saw her walking back to our cabin. I grabbed some food for the both of us before walking after her.

 

“Sara?” I said, juggling the food and trying to open the door. “I thought you had counseling. Are you okay?”

 

“I'm fine.” She was at the desk. She always went to the desk when she was upset. Straight to her bible and her notes. “I just didn't see the point.”

 

I set the wrapped-up healthy (cardboard) chips and packaged sandwiches onto my bed. “Are you sure you're okay? You don't sound...like you usually do.”

 

“Don't you mean like myself?” she asked. She sounded so bitter, but it didn't sound like she was mad at me. “All my counselor would say is try harder. All anyone in this place has been telling me is try harder. I don't know how much harder I can try. This wasn't the first thing I've ever tried to deal with this, but it almost seems like it's the most useless. All I've gotten out of it is you.”

 

“Thanks,” I said. “And I'm sorry.”

 

“It's not your fault. All you've tried to do is help. You...you make me happy. All this place is doing is telling me things that I've already tried that don't work.”

 

I stayed standing behind her, and she kept at her notes.

 

“What do you want, Sara?”

 

“I want to get better,” she said. “I want to be happy.”

 

“What do you need?”

 

“I don't know,” she said. “I can't even think. I just feel so frustrated with everyone, and I can't let it out. I have to act like everything is okay.”

 

“Why?”

 

“So everyone will keep helping me. The only reason people put up with me is because I'm kind.”

 

“Except me,” I said, and she turned the chair around.

 

“Except you,” she said. “Why is that?”

 

“Because I like you,” I said. “I don't care if you're a bitch sometimes. I am, too.”

 

She looked deep in thought. “I wish everyone was like you sometimes. I wish I could tell the counselors how I really feel. I wish I could just make everyone realize how much...” Her voice caught in her throat. “I wish everyone realized how much they hurt me. Sometimes...I want them to hurt as much as I do.”

 

I don't know what it was that made me say it. It wasn't even the natural place to go, but it was the only thing I could think to say.

 

“You can hurt me, if you want.”

 

Her eyes looked darker as soon as the words left my mouth.

 

“What do you mean? I don't want to hurt you.”

 

It didn't sound totally sincere, but I knew what she meant.

 

“I don't mean really hurt me. Just...I know that I could help you.” I started walking closer to her. “I know that you're trying to get better, but you aren't yet.” I leaned forward and kissed her lightly, and she kissed me back. She always kissed me back. I pulled away, but not very far. “I'm your friend, and you're trying to kick a habit.” I pulled my shirt over my head, and her eyes settled on my chest. I still had a bra on, but that didn't seem to bother her. Her eyes flicked to mine.

 

“Tegan,” she said. “How is this helping me kick a habit?”

 

“You said you couldn't think,” I said. “Think of me as a nicotine patch.”

 

I grabbed Sara's hand and put in on my chest. She squeezed, and I moaned.

 

And that was that.

 

Sara almost leaped out of the chair, her lips immediately on mine. I was pushed against the cabin door in the blink of an eye, and her hands were wrapping around my body to take my bra off. It was these moments, where she was using one hand to strip my top bare, and the other hand is trying to pop the button on my jeans, that I remembered how much more experienced she was. It's why I'd always let her take the lead.

 

I couldn't let her control everything this time.

 

I started reaching for the buttons of her shirt, and she pulled away a little bit.

 

“Please,” I said. “I can't just keep getting touched by you without getting to touch you.”

 

“What's wrong with the way I touch you?” she asked with a bit of anger.

 

“Nothing,” I said, leaning forward to kiss her neck. She moaned, and I started unbuttoning her shirt. She didn't stop me. “I just want to be able to return the favor.”

 

I got to the last button and pushed the shirt off of her shoulders. I looked down at her chest, covered in a simple black bra. Her chest was small, and all I wanted to do was put my hands on her.

 

I put my mouth on her instead.

 

I pulled on her nipple through the fabric of her bra, and she groaned. Her hips thrust forward, and her body shook. Fuck, she needed it. It had been killing her to touch me and not get anything in return just as much as it had been killing me. Her hands were on my shoulders and forcing me to my knees before I got the chance to take her bra off.

 

The only thing between my mouth and her pussy were a few layers of clothing that Sara was in the process of pulling down her legs. She pulled her pants and underwear off, and at first, I couldn't move. I could see her and  _ smell  _ her, and I just wanted to taste her so bad.

 

“You can handle this?” she asked from above me. I looked up, and the way the light was shining from behind her...she looked perfect.

 

“Take your bra off. Please.”

 

Sara hesitated before reaching behind herself and sliding the bra off. She looked amazing. Had I not already been on my knees, and if Sara weren't still pushing my shoulders down firmly, I might have come back up to touch Sara's bare chest. It would have to wait, though. Sara's hands slid into my hair, and she caught my eye again.

 

“Tell me you can take it, Tegan.”

 

I needed to lick her. I couldn't wait anymore. I hoped that me pushing forward to lick the length of her slit gave her my answer. Her fingers pulled hard on my hair, and her taste coated my entire mouth immediately. She was so wet, and she tasted better than anything I could have imagined. I didn't move for a second, and Sara groaned from above me. I tried to pull back, but she pushed my face back into her pussy.

 

“Don't back out now, Tegan.” Her voice cracked on my name, and she started humping my face. My hands grabbed her bare ass and pushed her into my face more. I tried to do what she had done to me. I'd never done this before, and I knew that she'd had it done to her, so I was terrified that I would disappoint her. That was completely overshadowed by the fact that she was  _ fucking my face, _ but it still was a concern of mine.

 

Her thrusts got harder, and I started realizing that my head was banging against the door. I should have told her not to go so hard, but I liked it. I liked the pain it was bringing me. Sara was dripping down my chin, and banging my head against the door, and it felt right. She was moaning and rolling her hips, but when I wrapped my lips around her clit, something else came out of her mouth.

 

“Oh, fuck, Tegan!”

 

My name.

 

I started sucking harder and flicking her with my tongue, and her grip on my hair got so tight that I was mildly scared she was going to pull a chunk out.

 

Her head fell forward, and our eyes locked. I couldn't have imagined the new flow of wetness that poured out of her, and I certainly couldn't ignore the way that she fucked my face even harder. My own clit was on fire, and I desperately hoped that Sara would be able to get me off once she was done.

 

“Fuck me, Tegan,” she ordered, never taking her eyes off of me. “I need you inside of me-”

 

She didn't even have the word out before I slid a finger into her. My mouth didn't stop working her, but she locked my head against the door with a hard thrust.

 

“I need more. Don't fuck with me, Tegan. Just do what I say.”

 

I slipped two more fingers in and moved them fast, and Sara went back to humping me. She was losing her rhythm, though, so I sucked and pushed harder. I liked her ordering me around. I liked her using me like this. If she'd wanted to push it even further, I could take it.

 

“Curl your fingers,” she gasped out, and I did as I was told. I felt her knees start to buckle, and one hand left my hair to support her weight on the door. I moved my free hand to try to help her even more, and I slipped in a fourth finger. That seemed to do it for her.

 

“Oh, FUCK! Tegan! God...fuck...Tegan!” She held my mouth against her as her muscles clenched and released around my fingers. Her eyes fought to stay open, and I held them for as long as Sara could keep them on me. Her pupils were blown, and her mouth was open, and she looked amazingly happy. It was beautiful to me, and I was thrilled I made her feel this way. I needed to make her this happy whenever I possibly could.

 

Her cum dripped out of her and down my arm. She whimpered every time I moved inside of her. When I finally pulled out of her, she started to walk away, but I put both of my hands on her ass. She looked at me confused, but I started to lick her off, and she almost looked like she was about to cry. Sara touching me was amazing, don't get me wrong, but I almost liked this better.

 

Her hand finally let go of its death grip on my hair, and I realized that my head would be pounding in the morning. I couldn't get myself to care. I pulled my face away from her when she had nothing left for me to lick up, and her hand drifted to my cheek. I was reminded of the other night, when she had thought I was asleep. When I practically had been.

 

“Thank you,” she said, smiling and looking me in the eye. “I can think, now. Thank you.”

 

I wiped my chin with my thumb and popped it into my mouth. I just wanted to taste her a little bit more. “Any time, Sara.”

 

She was still trying to catch her breath. I was surprised she was still able to stand. “Do you want...I could help you.”

 

I wanted her. I wanted her more than I'd ever wanted her before. I wanted to kiss her and have her taste herself in my mouth. I wanted to make her come again...and again...and again. I wanted her to make me scream. Looking in her eyes, though, she looked so tired. This had been about her. I could wait.

 

“No. I'm fine.”

 

She looked equal parts disappointed and relieved. “Next time.”

 

I looked at her. “Next time?”

 

She pulled up her pants and backed away. “Like you said. I'm not better yet. I doubt this will be the last patch I need.”

 

I didn't let the smile that wanted to come onto my face appear, because I knew it could spook her. She stuck out her hand and helped me up before sitting on my bed and grabbing something to eat. I sat next to her, and we ate in silence. After that, we both laid on my bed. We didn't touch. Sara probably felt a little ashamed. I just felt desperate to have her on me. When her eyes got too heavy, she moved to her own bed.

 

I really tried to just force myself to go to sleep early, but I couldn't until my body could calm down.

 

I glanced over at Sara's bed. Her face was facing me, but her eyes were closed. I slipped my hand straight into myself. I didn't need any more foreplay. My entire fucking life was foreplay right now.

 

“Sara...” I found myself whispering as I slipped straight in with three fingers. I remembered how Sara had told me not to fuck with her while she begged me to fuck her. My other hand pulled on my nipples hard. The way I wanted her to. She would, the next time. Sara had agreed to a next time. The thought pushed me closer to the edge.

 

Not that I really needed more encouragement.

 

“Sara...fuck Sara, yes!” I was going to cum embarrassingly fast, and for a second, I feared that I was being too loud, but Sara wasn't reacting, so I figured I was okay. I curled my fingers inside myself the way she'd made me do for her, and it threw me over the edge.

 

“Ugh...Sara!” I shouted once. I threw my hand over my mouth and watched her for any sign of movement as I made myself cum much like I'd done for Sara earlier. I caught my breath much faster than she had, and I rolled over to face the wall.

 

If I kept staring at her face, I knew I would never get any sleep.

 

 


	12. Chapter 12

“How many outfits are you taking?”

 

I shrugged and shoved a shirt into a back pack. “I think three?”

 

Sara turned to me, holding a shirt to her chest. “What do you think of this?”

 

I smirked. “I think it's mine.”

 

She looked a little embarrassed, then she shrugged. “You're wearing my hoodie.”

 

I looked at the ground. “I was cold, and it was all I could find in the middle of the night.”

 

“Then why are you still wearing it now?”

 

I walked into the bathroom, trying to hide my blush, but walked out a second later. “Where's the sunscreen?”

 

“Grabbed it already,” she said, moving around the room. “Also grabbed the lotion and toothpaste.”

 

I smiled to myself, getting my last few things together. The last few days with Sara had been so...easy. We hadn't fought. Things hadn't been awkward. I hadn't been able to touch her again (Sara had been doing volunteering until the early hours of the morning for the stupid overnight trip...probably because she felt guilty), but she'd crawled into my bed and made me cum most nights. It was always quick, because we were both tired, but it was always good when she touched me.

 

I just liked feeling her inside of me.

 

I tried to ignore the voice in my head that reminded me that Sara was still trying to “get better.” She'd been reading her bible even more, and visiting the chapel in the little bit of free time that she had. I knew she wasn't avoiding me; she woke me up every morning to take a walk with her. It was just that she was still holding onto the hope that she could change. I was holding onto the hope that I could make her realize that she didn't need to.

 

“Love” was a word that I kicked around my head almost every time I looked at Sara before shoving it deep down within myself and focusing on “Lust” instead. It was much easier that way.

 

“Ready to go?” I asked, opening the door to the cabin. Sara walked out, and I followed. We met up with the rest of camp, and Joe stood on one of the tables to get our attention.

 

“Alright, everyone, welcome to the hike-and-camp!” He started clapping, and everyone else did the same. I looked over at Sara, and she was clapping, but not as enthusiastically as she would have been a few weeks ago. “This is the best chance for those of you that have had some trouble getting to know other campers to do just that! There's the hike, music, delicious food, swimming in the lake-”

 

“Don't worry,” Heather cut in. “We're providing swimwear for everyone.”

 

“That's right,” Joe said. “We'll also be doing a campfire and some bonus group time for everyone!”

 

“Joy,” I said under my breath. Sara nudged me playfully.

 

“Alright we're taking off! Is everyone ready for fun!”

 

A few kids and the counselors were enthusiastic. Everyone else just got their things ready and started walking. Sara and I tried to stay near the back of the group at first, but Heather's hovering had started to drive me crazy, so we hovered in the middle.

 

After walking for more than an hour along a surprisingly steep and undefined path, I was exhausted.

 

“Thanks for making me take those walks,” I said to Sara. “I think I would have died twenty minutes ago.” She just waved her hand at me and kept her head down. “How far away is this fucking site? I feel like there could have been a little more warning for this.” Sara slowed down a little, and I slowed down with her. “I guess this is why we should have done some of those group sports things.”

 

“Tegan,” Sara gasped out, stopping all together. She had her hands behind her head, and she was gasping for air.

 

“Are you alright?” I asked, trying not to sound too worried. Her hands dropped to her knees, and she was heaving. I started rubbing her back. “Shit, Sara, what's happening?”

 

“I...asthma.” Sara was on her knees, now, and we were starting to grab the attention of other people.

 

“What's wrong?” a girl asked. The more people crowded around, the more panicked Sara looked.

 

“She's just tired,” I said, grabbing Sara's bag to find her inhaler. “We'll catch up with you in a little bit.”

 

Most people walked away. I glared at the few that tried to hang around until they left, too. I finally got her inhaler and handed it to her. I rubbed her back as she used it to open her lungs. She slowly was able to take in normal breaths. I felt like I was finally able to breathe, too.

 

“I'm sorry,” she said.

 

“What?” I asked.

 

“I'm sorry that I'm slowing us down,” she said, wiping a tear away. “I-I can get up now. I'm sorry.”

 

I put my arm around her shoulders to keep her from standing up. “Sara, there's no rush. Just catch your breath.”

 

“I'm okay,” she said. “I'm sorry.”

 

“Why do you keep saying you're sorry? What are you sorry for? For having an asthma attack?”

 

“Yes.”

 

I really should stop being shocked by that kind of stuff.

 

“Did your parents make you apologize for having asthma attacks?” She started to shake her head, but I stopped her. “Be honest, Sara. I'm your friend. You can be honest with me.”

 

She took a deep breath. “They hated my asthma. When it started to interfere with my dancing, they were convinced I just needed to build my endurance, and they would make me run until I couldn't breathe.”

 

“That is fucked up,” I said. She cringed, and I shook my head. “I'm sorry, but it is. That's fucking torture.”

 

“Don't exaggerate.”

 

“Fine,” I said. “Is abuse better?”

 

She took a deep breath. “I didn't mean to make you mad.”

 

“No...I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at your parents. Sara, you shouldn't feel bad for having asthma. I can't believe they made you feel bad for that. You should _never_ have to say your sorry for that. I'll never make you say sorry for that, and I'll physically hurt anyone that tries to make you say sorry around me.”

 

She looked at me for a second, and I thought she might cry, but she smiled instead, then leaned her head on my shoulder.

 

“Is it okay that I hate my family sometimes?”

 

“Yes,” I said without hesitation. “It's totally fine.”

 

“It's just that...sometimes, they make it very hard to love them,” she barely got out. “It's like I was a curse. I know that I have so many issues. I know I'm hard to love. It's just that...I'm their family. They don't love me like they love each other. Why do I have to love them?”

 

I wrapped my arm around her tighter. “I don't know what to tell you. I would just say that you don't have to, but I know that it's more complicated than that.”

 

“How do you feel about your parents?” she asked me. She was deflecting. She did that a lot. I let her have it this time, because she was still so tense.

 

“I still love them,” I said. “They raised me. They made me who I am, and the more time I spend in this place, the more sure I feel that I like myself. I mean, not all the time, but for the most part. So I can't really hate my parents. You, though...you're a different story.”

 

“Everyone else says that they're acting out of love,” she said.

 

“Everyone else is full of shit-”

 

“Language!” A voice said from almost right behind us, making me jump out of my skin. Sara looked just as startled, and we both quickly got to our feet.

 

“Heather,” I said, annoyed. “She just needed a minute.”

 

“I understand,” she said with a smile. “I just wanted to make sure that you guys didn't get turned around. Are you okay to go, Sara?”

 

Sara just nodded and started walking away. Heather shook her head and turned to me.

 

“What?” I asked, feeling self conscious.

 

“She's straying from the path, Tegan. I know that feeling. At some point in the recovery, it gets extremely hard. It just means that the road is almost clear. She needs a friend now more than ever to encourage her to get better.”

 

“I don't-”

 

“I know that you don't think you care about getting better, but I know that you are her friend, and you do want her to be happy.”

 

“I do,” I said. “I just don't believe that that's possible here.”

 

“I know the truth,” Heather said, still smiling. “I am clean in God's eyes. Sara shall soon be as well. I just ask that you try to help her.”

 

“I will,” I said. I would. It just wouldn't be in the way Heather was hoping.

 

“Good,” she said. “I hope that you both mingle once we start doing things at camp. There are some really cute boys out there.”

 

She winked at me. It took everything in me not to gag...or laugh in her face.

 

“Yeah. I'm going now,” I said, going after Sara, who was waiting for me just a few feet up the trail.

 

“Thanks,” I said to her. “For waiting.”

 

“Of course,” she said. “You waited for me.”

 

I smiled, and we went on our way, at a lot slower pace.

 

“I hope it's not much farther,” she said. “I don't know why I'm having so much trouble today.”

 

“Well, this camp is up pretty high,” I said. “And we're hiking even higher up. The air's pretty thin. Thinner than we're used to.”

 

“That makes sense,” she said. “That makes me feel a lot better, actually.”

 

“Glad I could help.” We walked the rest of the way, complaining about the weather, not looking forward to the group activities.

 

“I want to get better,” Sara said. “Most people just bore me, though. I've made a friend or two, but most of those fell through due to the fact that my parents barely let me go anywhere.” She groaned. “I really need to stop saying bad things about them. They've taken care of me my entire life.”

 

“I like it,” I said. “You need to say how you feel. I get the impression that that's not a thing you do very often.”

 

She shook her head. “No. My feelings are dangerous. I can't trust myself.”

 

“I trust you,” I said. “If that means anything.”

 

She was smiling more and more as of late. “It does. It means a lot.”

 

We walked for a while more before finally getting to the campground.

 

“Alright, guys, we made it! Next up, we need to all set up our tents. This is a great friendship building exercise, so take advantage!”

 

Sara and I found our designated tent area and started setting up.

 

“Have you ever done this before?” Sara asked me.

 

“Yeah. A few times. My parents liked going camping, but they were busy, so I think I went all of five times. And I've been to a few camps where we did stuff like this. I always helped set up the tent.”

 

“Do you like it?” she asked. “Camping, I mean.”

 

I nodded. “Yeah. I like nature. I get really, stupidly emotional in the woods sometimes. It's weird.”

 

“I've never really been in the woods like this,” she said. “It's pretty.”

 

“We should find a really good lookout spot,” I said. “I think you'd really enjoy it.”

 

Of course, I had other motives besides showing Sara a good view of the forest. Being around her all morning...touching her all morning...I just wanted to get her alone. I couldn't wait until it was time to go to bed. I wanted to try to touch her again.

 

“That sounds nice,” she said shyly. “It would be a good place to clear my thoughts. Maybe pray.”

 

“Yeah, or we could-”

 

“Alright everyone, are your tents up? We're going to start handing out the barbecue!”

 

Despite how I tried to ignore it, my mouth started watering. I was really convinced that they were using mild starvation tactics on us. They gave us just enough to get by, and then would once in a while remind us that there was good food on the outside...if only we were normal...

 

Lunch was amazing (although, I could have eaten five more plates), and Sara seemed a lot more relaxed than she had been all morning since we'd joined the group. Then, once again, just as we were settling, Joe called everyone over to a clearing.

 

“Alright, everyone!” he said. “Welcome to the campsite! I know you're all a little tired from the hike and setting everything up, but we've got a full two days planned out for all of you. First of all, we'll do a little prayer, since we all skipped chapel. Gather around on the grass. Go ahead and sit boy-girl, and introduce yourself to the person to your right or left. Even if you already know each other, act like this is the first time you've ever spoken. You're introducing them to your new selves!”

 

Sara and I sat on opposite sides of the prayer circle, and I tried to talk to the guys sitting next to me. Left side seemed completely disinterested in everything around him, and right side was too busy eye fucking one of the counselors to even notice that I was there. I didn't care. I looked across to Sara, and she seemed to be having a much better time. The guy next to her said something, and she giggled.

 

Why was it so easy for her to be nice to everyone but me? Why did I have to work so much harder than everyone else? I'd had to earn that, and everyone else got it for free. Then again, I got pieces of her that others did. Not the sex (which was amazing...I couldn't emphasize that point enough), but the stories of her past and the sharing of her real feelings.

 

“Okay, let's pray.” Joe droned on about something, but I couldn't care less. All I could think about was Sara. I looked over to her, and she had scooted as close to him as humanly possible. His hand barely touched her leg, and I was ready to drag him off into the woods, never to be seen again. I didn't have a right to feel like this. To feel...jealous like this. I just wanted us to be able to be alone.

 

Prayer lasted until right before it started to get dark. After that, we were sent out into the woods with our bunk mates to get fire wood, and it was the first time in days that I felt awkward around her.

 

“Are you okay?” she asked me after a few moments of silence. “You seem mad.”

 

“I'm not mad,” I said. “I just noticed that you're making new friends.”

 

“Is that bad?” she asked me, and I shrugged. I really didn't know. It's not like I was crazy and didn't want her to talk to anyone else. I just didn't like the way she was acting around that guy.

 

I stepped closer to her, and without thinking, I pressed my lips to hers. Her hands went immediately to my face, before they were pushing me away a few moments later.

 

“You can't do that,” she said. “You can't just kiss me.”

 

“What? Why? It's not like you haven't kissed me every night this week.”

 

Sara looked around us nervously. “That was different. You know I'm just doing that while I get better.”

 

“Sara, I know that, but I just needed-”

 

“I'm not here for you when you need me like that,” she said. “That's not how this works.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“Because then things get too confusing for me,” she said.

 

I swallowed. “Sara, were you...were you flirting with that guy at prayer?”

 

“That's none of your business.”

 

“I'm your friend.”

 

“But you're not asking as my friend,” she said. “If I want to flirt with boys, that shouldn't bother you.”

 

I wanted to be mad at her, but I just felt hurt. I knew that this wasn't even really her. Sara was herself half the time and the product of her parents' cruel words the other half. She was fighting with herself all the time. I didn't want to fight with her, too. At least not right then.

 

“I'm sorry,” I said. “I just don't want you to think that throwing yourself at a boy will make you better.”

 

“It's worth a try,” she said. “Wouldn't be the first time.”

 

My eyes locked with hers. “What does that mean?”

 

“I've tried it before,” she said. “A few times, right when I started sneaking out as a teenager. It didn't work then. I'd... _hated_ it then. I stopped because it wasn't helping.”

 

“Then why go back to it now?” I felt sick. I couldn't imagine forcing myself to do that, and I hated that she'd done that to herself.

 

“I'm a different person. I feel differently about women now. Maybe I'll feel differently about boys, too.”

 

I closed my eyes and tried to keep my breathing even. I wanted to cry. I wouldn't let her go through that again, but I knew I couldn't say that. “Whatever you want to do, Sara. Just put some thought into it.” I grabbed some sticks and walked back to the camp. Joe had us sit around the fire by the same people we had before. I took my chances with starting up a conversation with left side guy.

 

“Please tell me that I'm not the only one counting down the days until we get the fuck out of here.”

 

He smiled. “Oh thank God! My roommate has been spewing Jesus crap at me for weeks. I was starting to feel alone! I'm Jeremy.” He offered his hand, and I took it.

 

“Tegan,” I said. “Nice to meet a normal person.”

 

“You're roommate a hassle, too?” he asked with a raised eyebrow.

 

“No...well, yes, but I don't really mind.”

 

“Ah,” he said. “So you have a crush.”

 

I was about to respond, but Joe started talking again.

 

“I know that the day time has been difficult, but tonight is all about relaxing! Sit by the fire, walk around, throw the football. As long as you're all talking and having appropriate-gendered conversations, you can do whatever you want! Please stay within the limits of the campsite, and feel free to some marshmallows for roasting. Have fun, everyone!”

 

My first instinct was to go to Sara, but I saw her staying in her seat, talking to the boy from earlier, and I decided to talk to Jeremy by the fire.

 

“So, what gave me away?” I asked, and he laughed.

 

“You've been glancing at that girl all night,” he said. “And I've seen you hanging around. She's one of Joe's pets, isn't she?”

 

“No,” I said quickly, and he threw his hands up.

 

“Hey, I mean no offense. I just meant he likes her,” he said. “At least he did until a few days ago. What happened?”

 

“She's hit some snags in her recovery,” I answered semi-honestly. “It's really getting to her.”

 

“Has she been taking it out on you, too?”

 

I shook my head. “She did before, but not so much now.”

 

“Has anything...happened?” he asked with a mischievous grin.

 

I blushed, but shook my head, and I hoped he'd just take it as shyness. He didn't push it, at least.

 

“Can I tell you a secret?” he asked, and I nodded. “She's been looking over here all night.”

 

“Really?” I asked. “She seems really interested in that guy every time I look over.”

 

“She was at first. Now she only looks that way when you look anywhere near her direction.” He laughed. “I'm guessing this isn't a one-way thing?”

 

“That's a complicated question,” I said. “Can you do me a favor and keep talking to me if it's making her jealous?”

 

He laughed and put his arm around my shoulders. “I'll hang out with you all night if I need to. And don't worry. I have a boyfriend waiting for me back home.”

 

I laughed and kept chatting with Jeremy. He was actually a really sweet guy, and I found myself surprised to have a little bit of fun with him. It was nice to talk to someone that I didn't have to watch my words around. I knew it could be like that with Sara if she would just let herself be happy.

 

I didn't know how long it had been before I realized that I didn't know where Sara was. Almost everyone had made it back to their tents, so I left Jeremy with a hug, and went to find her. After a few minutes, I started to get worried. I found the guy she'd been talking to and got his attention.

 

“Where did Sara go?” I asked him, interrupting his conversation.

 

“Um...I don't know. She started acting weird, said something about a headache, and walked off. I haven't seen her since.”

 

“When was that?” I asked.

 

“About half an hour ago? She probably just went back to her tent.”

 

I was walking away before he even had the sentence out of his mouth. Despite the fact that I was still mildly irritated (and extremely saddened) by her, I wanted to make sure she was okay. When I got back to the tent, she was curled into a ball on top of her sleeping bag.

 

“Sara?” I asked, crawling in. “Sara, I heard you have a headache.”

 

“Yeah, I'm sorr-” she cut herself off. “Yeah, I do.”

 

“Do you need some water?” I asked, and she shook her head before wincing. “Don't move. Just keep still with your eyes closed.”

 

“I already drank water,” she said. “I think it was just the stress of the day and the thin air.”

 

I laid down next to her, running my fingers through her hair. She moaned a little, and despite the fact that I knew she was in pain, I felt it between my legs. I squeezed them together to relieve some of the tension that had instantly come into the room.

 

“Who was that boy?” she asked me after a few minutes, and it gave me pause. “Please don't stop.”

 

I'd been hoping to hear those words in a different context, but this one was fine, too. My hand went back to it's stroking, and I said, “His name is Jeremy. He was really nice.”

 

“I thought that you weren't trying to change,” she said, sounding more in pain than what was coming from a simple headache.

 

“I'm not,” I said. “He isn't, either. Don't worry.”

 

“I'm not worrying,” she said. “I was just curious. As your friend.”

 

“Bet your headache feels better, though, doesn't it?”

 

There was a bit of silence, and I thought that Sara had fallen asleep, but then she groaned.

 

“My head is pounding, Tegan.”

 

“I'm sorry,” I said.

 

“You didn't do it,” she said. “You have nothing to be sorry for.”

 

“But I'm sorry that you're in pain.” I leaned forward and kissed her temple. I was glad when she let me. I pushed my luck and pecked her on the lips. She accepted it, and I smiled. I went back to stroking her hair for a while before she spoke up again.

 

“Thank you,” she said. “I really appreciate it.”

 

“No problem,” I said back. “Do you need anything else?”

 

“Do you think one of the counselors has pain killers?” she asked. “Maybe Heather?”

 

I smiled and said, “Okay,” even though I wasn't looking forward to the stupid pep-talk I was sure to receive once I got to her tent.

 

I crawled out, and everyone was asleep by now. I tried to be careful with my steps to make sure that I didn't wake anyone up. Heather's tent was at the end of my row of tents. I heard her moving around inside, so I unzipped her door. I threw my hands over my mouth to hold in the gasp that wanted to leave.

 

The first thing I saw was the naked body of one of the other counselors. If my memory wasn't failing me, her name was Tina.

 

The second thing I saw was Heather's head moving up and down between her thighs.

 

 


	13. Chapter 13

“Oh, right there. Faster, baby.”

 

Heather was fucking Tina.

 

Heather was fucking a  _girl_ .

 

I was frozen for a second, afraid that if I moved I would get caught, but more and more afraid that staying still was worse. I slowly... _so slowly_ ...backed out of the tent and pulled the zipper shut. I looked around, panicked that someone was watching me, and that would somehow lead to me getting in trouble. No one was even out of their tents, but I was afraid someone would see me anyway, and think I was trying to sneak out of my tent...at the very least.

 

I started stomping toward Heather's tent. I crushed as many sticks and seeds as I could.

 

“Heather! Sorry to bother you!” I was right outside now, pretending to have trouble with the zipper of her tent. “Are you awake?”

 

I could hear Heather and Tina shuffling around inside, and I couldn't help the small laugh that bubbled up in my throat. This was fucking crazy.

 

“Hold on, Tegan!” she yelled. “I'll come out!”

 

“With Tina?!” I asked, shocked, before my brain caught up with my mouth. I cursed her choice of words and let out a few noises that almost sounded like words before managing, “I mean...you guys are sharing a tent, right?”

 

Heather finally unzipped her tent and stepped out, quickly zipping it back up behind her. “Yeah, but she's reading.”

 

“Reading what?” I asked with a smile. Heather was a mess. Her shorts were on crooked, her shirt looked like it was inside-out, and her hair was thrown in a messy ponytail that was so obviously trying to hide her “I just had a woman's legs around my head” hair.

 

“I don't quite know,” she said. “I never asked.”

 

“You've never noticed, either?”

 

“What did you need, Tegan?”

 

I shook my head and focused. I was here for a reason. “Do you have any pain killers? Sara's got a really bad headache.”

 

Heather nodded and reached into her tent. She pushed two pills into my hand. “Was there anything else?”

 

I shook my head and turned away before she caught my smirk. She was rushing me off so she could go back to fucking.

 

“You have a good night, Heather,” I said over my shoulder, walking away as she went back into her tent. God, I wished that I'd thought to take a picture or have a witness or something, because I wanted to out her. I wanted some solid evidence to pin on her. She had the nerve to spew this camp's conversion crap and screw girls on the side? I knew nothing would come of it, though, unless I had proof.

 

It was so strange how these people inspired such hate in me at times. It was the blatant manipulation that bothered me. The subtle and not-so-subtle ways they tried to bend us into who they wanted us to be. It was so much harder to tell when you were getting used and broken when there weren't bruises to go along with it. It started to make you feel like you were the one who was wrong...

 

Until you regained your senses and realized they were even bigger assholes than you thought.

 

I debated if I should tell Sara. At first, she'd been the first and only person I'd wanted to tell. Then I worried that this would freak her out, and she didn't need that with her head killing her the way it was. If I was going to tell her, it wouldn't be tonight.

 

I crawled back into my tent, and Sara was crying. I immediately forgot all thoughts of Heather and grabbed a water bottle, then helped her sit up. I handed her the pills, and she popped them into her mouth and swallowed them with a drink from the bottle.

 

“Are you okay?” I asked her. “Do I need to get someone?”

 

“No, it's not that bad. I'm just working myself up. I'm so tired, but it hurts too much to sleep.”

 

Her tears had slowed down, but they were still falling down her face. I laid her down on her back.

 

“The pills will kick in,” I said. “Just try to relax, okay?”

 

“I can't,” she said. I believed her. I could feel and see how tense she was. I knew if she couldn't relax, it would only get worse.

 

“Can I try something?” I asked her.

 

“Anything,” she responded. “Just make it stop.”

 

I lightly kissed her lips. I then slid down to her neck. I unbuttoned her pajama top, and felt her breath hitch.

 

“Is this okay?” I asked. “You just need to relax, and I know that sex can help with headaches. I'm just trying to help.”

 

“Yes. If it'll help, then do it. Please.” I smiled in excitement, happy that she was letting me do this again. I finished unbuttoning her top, and I kissed the middle of her chest. She was already squirming, and she started pushing down on my shoulders again.

 

“Sara, wait,” I said. “I'm just trying to warm you up.”

 

“I'm already warm,” she said. “I need to sleep.”

 

I sighed. “Fine.” I started sliding down her body. I slid down her sleep shorts and felt my mouth water as I looked at her. How was she already this wet? I went to dive straight in, but she stopped me right before.

 

“I'm sorry that I'm rushing you. I'm in so much pain. I promise to let you touch me more next time.”

 

I was shocked. “I...why?” I shook my head a little. “I mean, thank you, but why?”

 

“You help me so much,” she said. “I can be there for you, too, sometimes.”

 

I bit my lip to keep myself from smiling too big, and then took a long lick up the length of her lips. She moaned and threw her hand over her mouth. I licked up and down like that a few more times before flicking my tongue over her clit. Her hands were in my hair, and I moaned. I loved it when she did that, and it just made me move my tongue faster. I slipped my tongue down, and started rubbing circles around her clit with my thumb. I pushed inside of her with the tip of my tongue.

 

“Shit...” I heard from under her hand. Her hips started rolling, and I moved my tongue in and out of her with guidance from her. One of her hands left my head, and I wondered where it had gone. It made me realize that my eyes were closed. I opened them, wanting to see her.

 

The first thing I noticed was the way her hand was tugging at her nipple. It just made my hand move faster against her. I pushed my own hips into the ground, looking for some sort of release. She was driving me crazy.

 

My eyes drifted up, and I was shocked to see that she was watching me. She'd propped her head up with pillows so she could see me. It took a second for her to even realize that I was looking back. We looked at each other, and she bit her lip before speaking.

 

“Touch...touch yourself, Tegan.”

 

She could literally get me to do anything if she said my name.

 

I took my hand away briefly to pull my pants down slightly. My right hand went back to her, and my left hand slipped three fingers into myself. I moaned into her pussy, and she growled. She was having a harder and harder time keeping quiet. I was, too, but I was muffled by her. I felt myself so near cumming already, but I wanted her to finish first. I slowed down on myself, but I doubled my efforts on her.

 

She was still looking at me when I started feeling her orgasm against my mouth. I went back to pounding full speed into myself, and as I felt her pour onto my tongue, I felt my own muscles clench. I wished that she didn't have to keep it down, because I knew that she wanted to shout, and I knew that it would only make us both cum even harder.

 

Then again, I wasn't sure that touching myself could get any better than it was right then.

 

We were both whimpering and twitching. I didn't know if she was still looking at me, because I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore. She was literally cumming into my mouth. I kept rubbing her clit, trying to get everything out of her that I could. The longer she came, the longer I did. I felt so close to her in these moments.

 

She finally pulled me away from her, and I crawled up her body. I pulled the pillows from behind her head and kissed her lightly again. She moaned slightly, and I realized she could probably taste herself in my mouth. I pulled away.

 

“Is that better?” I asked her, and she smiled.

 

“Much. Thank you.” I laid down next to her, and caught my breath. I started to drift off to sleep, but I felt Sara scoot away from me.

 

“Are you okay?” I asked.

 

“Yeah,” she said, facing away from me. “I'm just going to sleep.”

 

I swallowed. “Um, okay.”

 

I didn't know why I thought she would let me hold her. I didn't know why I set myself up for disappointment like that. I turned away from her.

 

“Goodnight, Tegan,” she said.

 

“'Night, Sara,” I said back. I tried to ignore the lump in my throat. It was harder every time.

 

I laid in bed awake for a while, trying to fall asleep. She had promised me more...again. She promised to let me take my time. It was progress. I focused on that, because I knew she was giving as much as she could. I started counting sheep, and it was almost working...

 

“I don't want to.”

 

Sara's voice pulled me back from sleep. I looked at her over my shoulder. “You okay?”

 

She didn't respond. I figured that I'd dreamed it, so I closed my eyes and started to drift off again. I heard her whimper and sigh, and I fully turned over to face her. She was facing me, too, but her eyes were closed. She was still asleep, but she seemed to be dreaming. I was about to scoot closer to her and nudge her awake, but she started talking.

 

“I don't want to talk to Trevor,” she mumbled out. “I don't want him.”

 

Trevor...it sounded vaguely familiar. I knew he was another camper. I felt like he wasn't in our group sessions, but I'd seen him somewhere. It took me a minute to place it.

 

Trevor was the boy Sara had been talking to at the campfire.

 

“Sara, you're asleep,” I said to her.

 

“Tegan's here,” she whispered. “I don't want him. Tegan's here.”

 

She made a few more noises before going completely silent. I called her name quietly a few times, but she didn't respond. That was fine. I'd heard enough. I'd known that she didn't want him, but hearing her say it had eased any lingering jealousy that I felt. Even if it was an indirect sleep-confession. I would take it.

 

I fell asleep.

 

 

I woke up the next morning, and it was just starting to get light. I tried to force myself to fall back to sleep, but I could tell it was starting to get light outside, and I'd been waking up earlier and earlier because of my walks with Sara. I briefly thought of waking her up to take one now, but then I remembered that we would have to make the walk back to the cabins, and I didn't want her to have another asthma attack.

 

I turned over, and Sara wasn't there. It felt weird and made me realize that it had been a while since Sara hadn't woken me up before leaving. I closed my eyes to sleep again, but it wasn't happening. I didn't want to worry that something was wrong just because she hadn't let me know that she was going somewhere, but I just worried that something was wrong.

 

I was dressed and out of the tent before I was even fully awake. I shook my head a few times to regain my balance. I wasn't sure if I was trying to clear my head or find Sara. I told myself it was the former, because the latter would be crazy. What if she needed space? What if she wasn't in the mood to talk? What if she-

 

“Why?”

 

I heard Sara's voice, and I realized that she was close. I spun around nervously, but I didn't see her anywhere. I tried to pinpoint which way the voice came from, but she wasn't talking anymore, so I stood still and waited.

 

“Why? Why does it have to be _this_ hard?”

 

I knew the general direction, now, so I started walking cautiously toward where I thought she would be. I followed the sparse mumbles and whispers until I could see her through the trees. She was kneeling next to a rock in a small gap in the trees. She was praying.

 

“It doesn't seem right,” she said. “I've tried so hard. I've felt wrong my whole life, and I thought this place was starting to make me feel normal...but it wasn't camp. It was her. It was Tegan.”

 

I saw her hands clasp tighter around each other, and her eyebrows were becoming more furrowed as she kept talking.

 

“If I'm not supposed to be this way, then why is she the only person that's ever made me feel normal? Is it a test? Some kind of ultimate temptation that I'm supposed to be able to resist? Someone who cares about me no matter how I am? Someone who is beautiful and kind and all the things I want and know I can't have?”

 

She got eerily quiet for a while, and I felt like I was invading her thoughts. I kind of was, but I didn't want to move and step on something that might get me caught. I also debated just announcing that I was there, but trying to pretend that I hadn't heard anything, but I wasn't a very good liar. I wanted to comfort her, but instead, I just sat there, watching her try to hold herself together.

 

“Why are you cruel?” Her words shocked the both of us, but she didn't stop. “I know that I'm supposed to trust your plan, but your plan for me so far has been shit.”

 

She got to her feet and started pacing.

 

“Why did you make me want to fuck girls? Why didn't you make me a person that my parents could love? Why did you make Samantha _exactly_ the person that my parents could love? Why...” Her voice broke. Her voice came back yelling at this point. “Why would you show me Tegan?!”

 

She picked up a rock and chucked it in the air as hard as she could. “Is it funny to you?!” Another rock went flying. “Making me have this deep connection with someone who wants me that I  _can't have_ ?!” She took a few deep breaths before she started sobbing.

 

“Why did you have to show me Tegan?” she asked between sobs. “Why did she have to be perfect?”

 

I shut my eyes tight and willed the tears away. I watched as she went back to the rock and back to praying.

 

“Please, God. I'm sorry. Just make this make sense.”

 

I couldn't watch any more. I moved as quietly as I could away from her. I wanted to wrap my arms around her, but as always, I knew that it would just make things worse. I craved for a day that things could just be easy between us. When she could admit who she was and just be with me in another setting...far away from this fucked up place.

 

Breakfast was halfway over by the time Sara came back. She smiled and waved at me while she sat down next to that Trevor boy, and I wanted to break the table.

 

“Careful, or you might just kill the boy with sheer force of will,” Jeremy said as he sat across from me, and I smiled.

 

“Hey,” I said. “And yeah, that's what I was sort of going for.”

 

“It's really not necessary,” he said with a smile. “It's not like she's really into him.”

 

“I know,” I said. “I really do, it's just that...I don't want her faking it. I know how unhappy it's making her.”

 

He shrugged. “Well, if you need a friend again for the day, I'm your man.”

 

“I think I'm a little in love with you,” I said with a giggle.

 

“Oh, good! The therapy's working! Mom and Dad will be so proud!” he said clapping, and I was laughing outright at this point.

 

“What got you shipped off?” I asked him.

 

“Caught. You?”

 

“Same,” I answered. “What happened?”

 

“Oh, my parents aren't around much. They're more concerned with vacationing than they are with parenting. The only reason this is an issue is because I got caught at school, and it was a big scandal that my parents didn't want to deal with, so they sent me here so they'll be able to say, 'Oh, yes. That was just a phase. We sent him to a treatment facility. More of a mental health spa, really. He's fine now.'”

 

“Wow,” I said. “I'm sorry.”

 

He laughed. “Don't be. I can do whatever I want. My parents will let me do anything as long as I don't embarrass them. The lesson is to not get caught again.”

 

I shook my head. “I guess that's a good way to look at it.”

 

“I guess it's not that big of a deal to me,” he said. “It's why this camp isn't bothering me. I know it doesn't work, and I already knew my parents didn't care, so there wasn't this big sense of betrayal, y'know?”

 

I nodded. “Yeah, that weirdly makes sense.”

 

“Whatever. I'm just thinking of this as a free vacation. I'm surrounded by eye candy, and my boyfriend calls once a week from the gay camp he got sent to. Next year I go to college. I have no reasons to be stressed.” He smiled at me. “That's why I'm living vicariously through your drama.”

 

I scoffed. “Trust me, if I could give it to you, I would.”

 

Breakfast ended, and we were all handed bathing suits so we could get into the lake if we wanted. Sara stayed with Trevor, but I just shook my head. It was sad how hard she was trying to make me jealous...what was even sadder is that I suspected that she wasn't doing it completely consciously. Jeremy grabbed my arm and practically begged me to change into the suit so we could go swimming.

 

Jeremy was fun. Jeremy was such an easy person to be around. He was quick-witted and charming and instantly caring and supportive. If I could choose a guy to be in love with based on ease, I would choose him without question, and I'd known him all of a few hours.

 

Why didn't it work that way? If the world was like people thought, and we could choose, life would be a lot easier for me.

 

“Wanna get the counselors off of our backs for a few days?” he asked me as we swam.

 

“Oh God, please don't try to kiss me right now,” I said, and he practically cackled.

 

“No, I was thinking more along the lines of...” He grabbed me and dunked us both in the water.

 

“Jeremy!” I yelled at him, but I was laughing as I splashed him in retaliation. This was fun like I had barely been able to experience in this place. The only other good times that I'd been able to have had been with Sara, and many of those were tainted with the heaviness of Sara refusing to acknowledge that she had feelings for me outside of friendship and a desire to make me cum. No, Jeremy was just someone that I didn't have to worry around, and it was nice to make a friend.

 

The counselors called for us to start getting packed up to go back, and I couldn't help but feel a little disappointed. I went back to my tent, and Sara already had it almost done.

 

“Oh,” I said. “Do you need help with anything?”

 

“No,” she said shortly.

 

“I can't believe you got everything packed up so fast.”

 

“Got started early,” she said.

 

“Are you okay?” I asked, and her shoulders relaxed a bit.

 

“Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm just tired. It's been a long two days, and I'm not looking forward to the walk back.”

 

I nodded. “I understand. Don't worry, though. We'll hang in the back this time. I don't think they'll mind, since we had to stop on the way up. Plus, the downhill trip is way easier than the trip up.”

 

“Okay,” she said. “Thanks.”

 

“No problem.” I knew she was still bothered. I had a feeling that I knew why, but I wanted us to get started on the trip back, so I helped her finish up, then we met everyone at the center of the campsite.

 

“Alright, everyone,” Heather said from the middle of the group. “It's been a great two days! I'm pretty sure that this was the absolute best hike-and-camp that I've ever had!”

 

“I bet it was,” I said under my breath, and I made a mental note to tell Jeremy about that piece of information later.

 

“We're very proud of the progress that some of you have shown,” Joe said, looking over at me. I wished I could laugh at how off he was. “And we're hoping that this helped you relax and refocus as you prepare for the tougher final stages of your recovery.” That was directed at Sara. “Now, let's get back to camp and keep on the track to our real selves!”

 

Every time Joe made one of his speeches and all the other counselors clapped for him, I imagine that an angel got its wings forcefully ripped off.

 

We started the walk, and Sara and I stayed near the back as we'd planned. We didn't talk for a while. There were so many things that I wanted to say, but I didn't know where to start or how to say what was on my mind. Still, I knew Sara would never say anything if I let her, so I was the first to speak up.

 

“So Trevor,” I started. “Is he trying to recover?”

 

“Yes,” she said. “He says this isn't his first camp, but this is the first time he's felt like he could actually be with a woman. He...he tried to kiss me.”

 

“Tried?” I asked, keeping my voice even. I know he was probably some sad, confused, nice kid, but I wanted to strangle him in that moment. “What happened?”

 

She looked at her feet as we kept walking. “I pushed him away. He just wasn't my type. I didn't feel like I do when I'm about to...well, it didn't feel right.”

 

“Okay,” I said, and we dropped back into silence for a little while. I knew what she'd been saying: she couldn't kiss him, because it didn't feel like it did when she was about to kiss me. I knew what she meant. Kissing Lindsey hadn't compared, and I couldn't imagine there were a lot of people that could make me feel the way that Sara did when she was kissing me.

 

We walked for another hour, making small talk. Our conversation got easier and easier as we went along, and I soon forgot that there had been any awkwardness between the two of us at all.

 

“It's starting to get dark,” Sara finally said, and I nodded.

 

“I wonder how far we are,” I replied. “Seems like we've been moving down the mountain pretty fast.”

 

“Yeah, I'd think I'd be recognizing things by now,” she said. “I walk around the main cabin grounds a lot.” She looked up the path. “And I haven't seen anyone in a while.”

 

I felt my stomach drop. She was right. The last time I'd seen Heather was almost at the beginning of the walk, and no one else had come into our line of sight since.

 

“They must be just up the road,” I said. “I'll jog up and check.”

 

I ran up a ways, following the turns of the path, but there was no one to be seen. I went back to Sara and tried to stay calm for her sake, but she still looked panicked.

 

“We're lost, aren't we?”

 

“No, it's not...we're just a little turned around.”

 

Sara's chest started to rise and fall a lot faster, and I grabbed her into a hug, but she pushed me away. She looked angry. Angry in a way she hadn't been with me in a while. I should have felt bad, and I did, but I felt even more turned on. I'd been loving that our sex had taken on a softer tone, but I craved the way she'd been when she was fucking me on the desk or against the door.

 

How was I supposed to focus on getting un-lost if she was looking at me like that?

 

“This is your fault!” she yelled.

 

“What?!” I snapped defensively. “What the hell did I do?”

 

“You got us lost!” she was in my personal space. “You were supposed to be paying attention!”

 

“I'm sorry, but when did you become incapable of figuring out your own fucking way back to the cabin?” I walked around away from her.

 

“Where are you going?” she asked, coming after me.

 

“I'm trying to find the right path,” I said. “You know, since this is somehow my fault.”

 

She groaned. “You're the one that got too deep in conversation to be able to go the right way.”

 

“Again, don't understand why this doesn't also apply to you.”

 

“I had reason to be distracted,” she said, then immediately looked like she regretted it.

 

“Oh, please. Tell me,” I said. “Please tell me how we both got ourselves lost, but somehow you're a helpless victim, and I'm a fucking moron.”

 

Sara's eyes flashed hurt, and I wanted to take my words back. Sara started walking, and I followed, trying to think of what to say next. Should I apologize? Should I stay quiet? Should I keep fighting with her like nothing had happened?

 

Before I could choose any of these, she spoke up.

 

“You and Jeremy were getting along.” The words came out like they physically pained her to say.

 

Is that what this was all about?

 

“I already told you that we're both gay,” I said. “And neither of us plans on changing that.”

 

“Then why was he all over you in the lake?” she asked.

 

I rolled my eyes. “How many times do we have to fuck before you get that I'm never gonna like dick?”

 

She closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths. “I shouldn't care either way.” She was speaking through gritted teeth. “You can do whatever you want.”

 

She was trying so hard to calm down...and then it started to lightly rain.

 

I looked into the sky. “Of course. Of course it's raining, now.” I looked back to Sara, and she still had her eyes closed. Her hands were clenched at her sides, and I could see her jaw clenching. I put my hand on her back and guided her to stand under a tree.

 

“It's going to get dark soon,” she finally said. “And we're lost. And it's raining. And once again, I find myself alone with you.” She looked into the sky like she hated it, and I realized that she probably felt like this was a sign from God. “I'm just...I'm not better yet.”

 

“Sara?” I asked, confused. She looked me straight in the eye, and my whole body shifted...like it was instantly getting ready for her.

 

“Can I hurt you, Tegan?”

 

My lips were on hers almost the second the question was out of her mouth. Honestly, we had bigger things to deal with than our constant sexual tension, but we were both scared and stressed...and, at least on my end, I'd missed Sara for the time that we'd had to spend apart.

 

She immediately pushed me up against the tree and slipped her hands to my chest. She bit my shoulder hard while she pinched my nipples and slipped a leg between mine. I could barely feel the bark of the tree, because Sara just dove straight in.

 

The rain was coming down harder, now, and our tree was providing a lot less cover than it had been. I didn't care. In fact, I welcomed the cold drops of water as Sara slipped her hand into my pants and started rubbing my clit. I couldn't take this. I hadn't realized how much our fighting had worked me up until we'd actually started kissing, but I knew now that I needed to get fucked. Right then.

 

Her mouth went back to mine, and I knew that my lips were going to be bruised. I hoped that I could blame it on the cold weather, and that it wouldn't be too bad. I tried to think of the words I needed to say to get Sara to go inside of me, but every time I went to speak, she would tap on my clit or quickly dip her head down to leave yet another mark on my chest.

 

I finally just slipped my hand into her underwear and started fucking her. All the air left her, and her head fell into the crook of my neck. Her hand slipped into me, but I groaned.

 

“More, Sara. Please.”

 

She pulled her head up. “Are you sure?”

 

“I was fine the first time, wasn't I?” I asked, impatiently. “Stop holding back.”

 

I went back to fucking her, and her eyes rolled back in her head. She slumped against me again, sucking my neck and going back into me. I started rolling my hips to match her hand, and she did the same for me. Her teeth latched onto my ear again, and I could hear every sound that went along with every twitch inside of her body. I curled my fingers, and her waist pushed into mine. I wished so much that our clothes weren't there. I was tempted to just strip. We were soaked from the rain, anyway. Still, it was risky enough fucking in the open when we were lost. We didn't need to be naked, too.

 

It was hard to get my body to agree with my mind, though.

 

She yanked my hair, and I winced, still a little sore from our activities the night before.

 

“I wish I could bite your neck,” she husked out as she slid in and out of me. “I w-wish...I wish I could see the marks up and down your throat.”

 

I heard myself whimper. “I'd let you.”

 

“I don't want to share,” she said, slapping my clit just right with her palm on every thrust. “I want this part of you. I know I shouldn't.”

 

I stopped moving my hand and grabbed her wrist. “Say what you feel. Do what you feel. Stop saying what you should do and just do what you want. At least with me.”

 

For a moment, she just looked grateful. Then suddenly, her hand was out of my pants and shoved into my mouth.

 

“Shut up, suck these off, and make me cum,” she said as she stared at my mouth. “Then maybe we'll see about you.” I wrapped my lips around her fingers and started moving my own fingers at the same time. It was strange tasting myself. I liked it, but I think it was the way it tasted on her hand. Every few licks and sucks, her fingers would slide to the back of my throat, and I'd start to feel my gag reflex kick in. Every time I coughed, her whole body would shiver, so I made a point to take her fingers as far as I could while pushing into her as fast as I could go.

 

Sara snatched her hand out of my mouth and put it back inside of me. The scream I let out was swallowed by the sloppy kiss that Sara pulled me into. The rain was coming down worse than ever, but I barely noticed. I curled my fingers and hit the same sweet spot inside of her a few times, and she kept her lips to mine as she came.

 

I pulled back to see her face a little. She was so beautiful when she was cumming. My own orgasm was fast approaching, and it was starting to feel like Sara was going to have a second. I could feel myself right on the edge of-

 

“Tegan! Sara!”

 

Sara leaped away from me, and we both attempted to look like we weren't just four fingers deep inside of each other. We looked around to see who caught us, but there was no one. When we heard a different voice call our name, we realized that people were searching for us.

 

To be honest, I'd barely remembered that we were even lost in the first place.

 

“We're over here!” Sara finally yelled. I could hear the waiver in her voice, and I was at least thankful that we could blame almost everything like that on the rain and the cold.

 

A few counselors came up with blankets and umbrellas. Turns out, we'd gone the wrong way on a fork, and we'd walked a little ways from camp. They fussed over us, making sure we were warm and that we didn't feel the need to call our parents (I saw that familiar look of fear in Sara's eyes when talking about her family). They tried to get us to change, but we both just wanted to get away from everyone, so they escorted us back to our cabin.

 

“Girls, I am so sorry!” Heather said. “I can't believe that happened! I should have slowed down for you, but I was trying to keep everyone in line.”

 

“Yeah, I know. It's easy to get...distracted,” I said, and Heather just kept up her oblivious smile.

 

“Well, I'll let you two get to bed,” she said. “I'm proud of you both for what you managed to accomplish while up there.”

 

“Yes. Thanks,” Sara said, clearly agitated. I couldn't say that I didn't know why, since I was feeling the exact same thing.

 

Heather bowed out, and I turned to Sara. I wanted to be able to say something, but her lips were on mine and her hands were pushing my wet clothes off of me. All I could do to keep up is rid her of her own wet attire as we both fell into my bed.

 

It was amazing feeling our naked bodies touch for the first time. Her skin was soft everywhere, and I just wanted to feel how every inch of her skin felt against every inch of mine. She started sucking and marking me all over my body, and I felt like I was on fire.

 

“These are all the places I remember seeing him touch you,” she said as she looked in my eyes. Her fingers were back inside of me a second later, but she kept them still and looked into my eyes. “But only I get to touch you here.”

 

I nodded frantically, and she started moving her hand again.

 

“More,” I immediately said, and I felt her put in another finger. Her hand was pumping in and out of me hard, but it wasn't enough. “More, Sara. I need more.”

 

Sara caught my eyes with her own. I felt her hand move, then suddenly, I felt more stretched than I ever have. I felt tears rush to my eyes, because of the pain that it brought on, but also because no one had ever made me feel like this. I never thought that anyone would ever push my body this hard. I never thought that I could feel so  _completely whole_ feeling someone this deep inside of me. Even the smallest of her movements right now was like a shock. I looked at her, and her eyes had completely glazed over.

 

“You're so fucking filthy,” she said, slowly breaking me apart with every thrust. “You'll let me do anything to you, won't you?”

 

I rolled my hips a little bit harder against her hand and I felt my orgasm once again fast approaching.

 

“God, fuck me harder!” I yelled out. All of the noises coming out of my mouth were incredibly embarrassing, but I didn't care with the way Sara was looking at me.

 

She leaned down in my ear and whispered, “I've already got my fist in you. I don't know how much harder I can go.”

 

I didn't want to cum after that. As good as I knew it would feel, I wanted this moment, this moment where I knew that Sara's whole fist was getting clenched by my pussy, to last forever. Her hand was moving with slightly longer strokes, and I couldn't breathe. I knew that if anything interrupted me this time, I might actually die. Sara sat up so she could get her other hand on my clit, and she started rubbing tight circles.

 

I snapped like a rubber band.

 

I was cumming. I was cumming harder than I ever had in my life, and all I could do was cling to Sara like a flotation device after a plane crash. I couldn't think. I couldn't see. I  _still_ couldn't breathe. My back was arched off of the bed, and now my fear was that I would die if I didn't stop cumming. I still didn't want to come down from this. I'd never felt closer to anyone in my entire life than I did to Sara in that moment.

 

When I'd mostly come down (I wouldn't be able to fully stop until Sara got away from me), Sara pulled out of me, and I hissed in pain.

 

“Are you okay?” she asked laying next to me. I was glad that this happened while we were at least not breaking apart without a word. I didn't think I could take the rejection.

 

“Yes,” I whispered. My throat was so dry. How much had I been screaming while she'd been stretching me out?

 

“Did I hurt you?” she asked, pushing hair out of my face.

 

“Yes,” I replied. “Thank you.”

 

She looked at me in awe. “That was fucking gorgeous, Tegan.”

 

I swallowed a few times to keep my emotions in check. It helped that I was almost too used up to cry.

 

I loved this feeling. Only Sara had ever made me feel like this. Even when we weren't getting along, just the way she looked at me made me feel special. Like we saw something in each other that others just couldn't see. Sex with her was special in a way that I didn't think it was for most people. I wanted her to break me, because for some reason, I trusted her to eventually put me back together.

 

Maybe I just felt that way because I was in love with her.

 

After all that had happened, now, it was a little hard to deny...at least to myself.

 

“Have you ever done that before?” I asked her as I tried to catch my breath, and she nodded.

 

“It's never been like that, though,” she said. “Thank you for that.”

 

“I didn't do anything,” I said with a blush.

 

“You let me touch you when I need it. You're still my friend even though...even though I irrationally care about your love life more than I should.”

 

I sighed. Some people were so deep in denial...

 

“It's fine,” I said, and we laid quietly for a few minutes. This was the longest we'd stayed together and awake after sex. I was starting to drift off to sleep with Sara stroking my hair when she said it.

 

“I know I shouldn't...I know it's sick...but I love making you cum.”

 

I felt my mouth go even dryer, and if I were not so pleasantly sore, I might have offered Sara a round 3. I didn't even have a chance to respond before she was pulling herself out of the bed.

 

“I probably won't be around as much tomorrow,” she said. “Extra counseling. Maybe some more reflective prayer in the chapel.”

 

“I thought you said this place wasn't working,” I said.

 

“Group certainly isn't, so I'm trying other things,” she said, pulling the last of her clothes on. She grabbed one of her tops and a pair of shorts and laid them on my bed. “Just for whenever you're ready to get dressed.”

 

The girl that was telling me that she loves making me cum and is setting out pjs for me is still going to chapel to try to get God to take her gay away. I really knew how to pick 'em...

 

I put a smile on my face. She just needed more time.

 

“Alright, well, I'll be here,” I said, honestly having nothing better to say.

 

Sara crawled into her bed with a smile. “Sweet dreams, Tegan.”

 

“'Night,” I said, dropping to sleep almost as soon as the word was out of my mouth.

 

 


	14. Chapter 14

The first thing I felt was the headache. It hit the second I opened my eyes.

 

It had been two days since the hike-and-camp. Ever since I'd been caught in the rain, I hadn't been feeling the best. I tried to get extra sleep and water, but it didn't seem that it had helped.

 

I closed my eyes again and tried to breathe, but I started coughing instead. I looked over at Sara's bed, but she was already gone. She'd been gone every day before I woke up, and because I'd been getting sick, I was usually asleep when she got back. I only really got to talk to her at mealtimes, and even those she would skip for extra counseling from time to time.

 

I pulled myself out of bed, and I almost toppled over. I flexed my muscles a little bit, relieved that they felt more tired than achy. Not the flu. Probably a head cold. No big deal. I stripped and dragged myself into the shower. The water made me feel a little better, but then I found myself curled in a ball on the ground. So a bad head cold...

 

I managed to get myself out of the shower and dressed before the sneezing really started. I looked for tissue, but settled for toilet paper when I couldn't find any. I didn't think I was going to make it to chapel or group, but I really wanted to. As painful as they were, I knew that I would get to see Sara. I walked out of the cabin and halfway to the chapel (I had absolutely no appetite for the mealy shit that they served us for breakfast) before I gave up and turned towards the nurse's office.

 

“Hello, there!” she said with a smile. I was glad no one else was there, because I didn't think I would be able to wait in line. “Take a seat. You look a little under the weather, there.”

 

I held back the, “No shit,” that wanted to come out of my mouth, and I nodded. “Got caught in the rain the other day.”

 

“Oh, that was you? Everyone was so worried!” she rushed around her office, gathering supplies. “I hope you know that everyone is really, _really_ sorry that happened.”

 

“Yes. I know.” That's all I'd been hearing since the trip. Everyone was sorry. Everyone was shocked that this had somehow happened. They promised it would never happen again. They said they'd do anything to make it up to us. They were really just begging us not to have our parents sue them.

 

“Well, I've got a nice little care package set up for you. Water, medicine, crackers, tissue, hand sanitizer...the works! I'll have Heather walk you back to your cabin.”

 

“Oh...ugh, can it be anyone but Heather?” The nurse was gone before I got the question fully out of my mouth. I groaned as I felt my head start pounding even harder. I couldn't deal with her stupid, hypocritical face right now. It only took a minute for the two of them to walk in. Heather immediately grabbed the things that the nurse had gotten ready for me and helped me out of the chair.

 

“I'm sorry you're not feeling well,” she said to me. “Give yourself today to rest, and I'm sure you'll be just fine tomorrow.”

 

“Whatever,” I replied, not having it in me to be polite. I stumbled a bit, and she caught me. Her hands slipped around my waist and stayed there for a little longer than they needed to, but eventually, she went back to just helping me support my weight. Heather made a lot more sense to me, now. She'd always been more handsy than she needed to be with me. Tina sort of looked like me.

 

Heather had a little bit of a thing for me. At least, I was her type. I probably should have felt disgusted with her taking advantage of her position, but honestly, I questioned if she was even conscious of it. Besides, I was too out of it to put much thought into it right then.

 

We got back to the cabin, and she helped me sit in the bed.

 

“Alright, Tegan. Either I'll be back to check on you, or I'll send someone. Take two of these pills every four hours, and one of these every six. Drink lots of water, and get better!” I just nodded, and she walked out of the cabin. I avoided taking the pills for a while. Being in this place had made me more paranoid than I normally was, and I was almost deliriously sick.

 

I'd barely been able to answer the door when Heather came back an hour later. She practically had to force feed me as I laid half conscious in my bed. Her hand went to my cheek as she spooned soup into my mouth, and I briefly thought that if I'd offered to fuck her right now, she'd say yes. I felt my stomach turn, and I lightly batted her hand away. She'd hurried out after that.

 

The next person to knock on my door an hour later was the nurse. I got out of bed, flung the door open, then went back to the bed.

 

“Tegan, you're running a fever. Take the pills.”

 

“No,” I mumbled out. “I'm fine. I need to sleep.”

 

“The pills will help you sleep,” she said. It didn't really make me feel better, so I just buried myself deeper into the blankets. She sighed. “Okay, I'm only saying this because I don't want a head cold to turn into something a lot more serious...would you trust me more if I said I don't believe in any of this corrective therapy crap?”

 

I turned to face her. “You're lying.”

 

She shook her head. “I'm only here because I know a lot of these places don't bother to have certified nurses. Really, certified anything.” She sat at the chair. “I went through a couple of these when I was younger, and I almost died from an infected paper cut. I don't want that to happen to anyone else. Ideally, these places wouldn't exist, but they do, so I do what I can. I play along to keep my job and keep you kids safe, but I've been with the same woman for the last fifteen years. Please don't tell anyone and just take the damn pills.”

 

She had the pills in her hand, and I put them in my mouth. She handed me a water bottle, and I took a swig, feeling the pills for a second as they slid down my throat. I drank the rest of the bottle, then laid back down in the bed.

 

“Thanks,” I said to her. “And I won't say anything.”

 

“Thank you,” she said, getting up. “Don't make me come back in here.”

 

I stared at the ceiling for a while, trying to breathe without coughing or sneezing. Finally, my body gave into the drugs, and I drifted off to sleep.

 

_I couldn't see anything at first. I could just feel Sara's body against mine. I was standing...she was kissing me. My eyes were closed. I tried to hold her, but I couldn't get my arms to work. Sara pulled away from me, smiling, and I felt myself smile back. My eyes were open. We were in my room at home._

 

“ _I missed you,” she said, pecking me on the lips again._

 

“ _I missed you, too,” I said back. “I'm glad you got to see my bed.”_

 

_She laughed, but her face turned serious. “We shouldn't be doing this.”_

 

_I sighed. “I know you think that.”_

 

_She shook her head. “He's coming.”_

 

_A shadowy figure pulled her away from me, and I tried to grab her back, but my arms still weren't working. I couldn't see her anymore, but I could hear her._

 

“ _Tegan! Help!”_

 

“ _I...I'm trying!” I tried to walk, but my legs wouldn't move. Why wouldn't my legs move?_

 

“ _You weren't there to save me, Tegan. You can't save me.”_

 

“ _Sara, please!” I yelled. “I'm sorry!”_

 

“ _You should have been there. Where were you?”_

 

“ _I...I think I was here.” I looked around my room, and everything felt slightly off. “I should have protected you.”_

 

_There was no answer._

 

“ _Sara?” I called, but there was nothing. “I'm here, Sara! I'm not too late! Come back!”_

 

_No answer. I felt empty. I needed her to come back. I felt tears at the corners of my eyes. I felt a hand wipe one away. She was saying my name._

 

“Tegan? Tegan, wake up.”

 

I opened my eyes, and Sara was standing over me.

 

“Sara?” I asked, relieved to see her. It had taken a few seconds for my mind to register that the dream wasn't real. Sara was here. She was okay.

 

“I was trying to let you sleep, but you started having another nightmare,” she said. “Are you alright? I got so worried when you missed everything this morning, and Heather finally told me you were sick.”

 

She was sitting in the bed, stroking my hair. I felt my headache finally ease off for the first time since I'd woken up this morning.

 

“I tried to stick it out, but I couldn't do it.” I coughed, and she helped me sit up in the bed. She sat next to me, putting her feet up. Our sides were touching, and I hated that I was sick even more then, because I wished I had the energy to touch her.

 

“Well, I brought you lunch. It's not much, but you can put it with these crackers.” She looked down. “I should have checked on you when you weren't at chapel.”

 

“It's okay,” I said. “You don't have to take care of me.”

 

“You're my best friend. Of course I have to take care of you.” She looked at me. “Besides, you took care of me when I had my attack and when I got that headache, so I owe you this.”

 

I smiled. “Thank you.”

 

“How do you feel?”

 

“Like I got hit in the face with a brick,” I answered. “It sucks. I just wish I'd die, so it could be over with.”

 

She put her arm around me, and I rested my head on her shoulder...almost on her chest.

 

“Just relax,” she said. “Remember how much better I felt after I relaxed?”

 

I felt myself blush, thinking of what I'd needed to do to get her to relax.

 

“You're right.” I closed my eyes, and she went back to running her hands through my hair. The drugs were still making my eyelids heavy, and I felt myself drifting in and out of sleep. After laying like this for a while, Sara spoke up.

 

“Did you love Lindsey?”

 

“I dunno...” I mumbled out. “I thought I did.”

 

“But you don't think so now?”

 

“I think maybe...” I was trying to get through this, but I could barely get a thought together. I'd always been a lightweight with cold medicine. “Maybe I did, in a way. But I can feel more than I did for her.”

 

Sara took a deep breath. “I think that's how I felt the first girl I kissed. I know I was only eleven. I know it wasn't quite the same, but it was the first time I felt...like love was possible.” She took a few quick breaths before adding, “But I know that couldn't really have been love, either. I've felt more since with women that I knew I wasn't in love with. I just need...I need to feel this way with a man.”

 

“Sara-”

 

“I'm sorry,” she said. “You're supposed to be resting. I shouldn't be emptying my baggage on you.”

 

“You can,” I said. “It's weirdly relaxing. I think it makes me feel better helping you work through this stuff.” If I'd been fully awake and sober, I wouldn't have said the next part. “And your voice is relaxing me. Please keep talking.”

 

I felt her laugh a little. “I shouldn't laugh, but you're so cute.” I wrapped my arm around her waist. It felt like she kissed the top of my head. Was I already asleep?

 

“I love my dad,” I said without thinking. “He was my best friend for a really long time. He said he loved me, but...I think...” I started to drift off.

 

“My father has never been particularly impressed with me,” she said. At least...I thought she said it. I knew part of me was dreaming, because I could see Sara's face as she spoke, but I knew my eyes were closed. “I've learned not to anger him. When he'd found me kissing that girl...he'd grabbed my arm and flung me to the ground. He made her leave. I told him that my arm hurt, and he just pulled me to my feet, by that arm, and told me that I'd hurt him worse than he was hurting me.”

 

I tried to speak, but I couldn't get any words to leave my mouth.

 

“We went to the hospital the next morning when I hadn't been able to sleep because of the pain. It was black and blue and swollen. My dad told the doctors some excuse, and they told us it was broken in one place and there were sprains everywhere. They said I was lucky I was still young enough to heal properly.”

 

“I should have been there...” I mumbled out. “To protect you.”

 

She shushed me. “You aren't responsible, Tegan. You couldn't have been there.”

 

I whined and clung to her. “I'm sorry that happened.”

 

“Don't tense up,” she said. “I didn't mean to upset you.”

 

“Don't worry about that. Just...fuck, Sara. I'm sorry.”

 

I felt like I couldn't breathe. My nose was completely stuffed, and breathing through my mouth made my throat feel like it was on fire. I started panicking, and Sara just started rubbing circles on my back.

 

“It's okay, Tegan.”

 

I felt tears come to my eyes. “I hate being sick.” It was easier right now to blame all of my feelings on my cold rather than her family making me sick.

 

“I can tell.” She laughed a little.

 

“Hey, don't laugh!” I said.. “I feel like shit.”

 

“I know. I wish I could do more than say I'm sorry over and over again.”

 

“It's okay. You're doing enough. I'm just gonna try to sleep.” I slid down in the bed and faced the wall. Sara started to get out of the bed, so I spoke up. “Maybe you could stay?” I pressed my luck. “It might help if you hold me.”

 

I didn't dare face her. I didn't want to see her face twitch as she made up all the reasons that she couldn't do that. I just wished I'd let her leave. I'd rather that than face more rejection in my weakened state.

 

Then I felt her slide in behind me and wrap her arm around my waist. We were spooning. I was afraid to breathe, because it may somehow scare her away.

 

“Tegan, calm down. Try to think soothing thoughts.”

 

“I just...” I wanted to sleep, but I couldn't quite drop off. “I can't get out of my head.”

 

“I wish I could help.”

 

“Maybe you could touch me. It worked for you.” I said with a laugh, forgetting that Sara might take it the wrong way.

 

I felt her move behind me, then her lips were on the back of my neck. I suddenly felt a lot more awake.

 

“Just relax,” she said, then she kissed me in the same spot again, even longer. I let out a moan. Her hand slid lower, and she was rubbing my clit through the underwear I was wearing.

 

“Sara, I was kidding,” I said, squirming.

 

“I know,” she whispered in my ear. “But you're right. It helped me.”

 

Her hand slipped into my underwear, and a finger slipped inside of me. I gasped. This was a really nice distraction from the burning in my lungs...although, it wasn't really helping, either. I didn't really care. This was making me feel better.

 

Sara started kissing my neck and sliding her fingers in and out of me as slowly as she possibly could. I was glad. I didn't think my body could take much more than that. Her mouth went to my ear, and I smiled.

 

“You really like doing that, don't you?”

 

“Doing what?” she asked.

 

“Kissing my ears,” I said with a laugh.

 

“Yeah,” she said.

 

“Why?” I whimpered out. She was still fucking me. Painfully slowly, but she was still fucking me.

 

“Honestly?” Her fingers curled in me, and I shook. “It always makes you wet.”

 

I bit my lip. She was right.

 

This felt so good. This felt so...different. Not because it was softer, but because Sara was putting her walls down to give me what I needed. This felt like...I needed to remind myself that this may not mean to her what it means to me. I liked to think that Sara loved me the way I loved her, but I couldn't be sure until she told me. I needed to remind myself that this wasn't her making love to me. That the last time hadn't been us making love, either.

 

Maybe. Because she may actually feel the same way I do. And then maybe it was.

 

She hit a spot inside of me that made me see stars and lose my train of thought. I felt her teeth bite into my neck, and I briefly hoped that she hadn't bitten down too hard.

 

“You feel so good,” she said, barely pulling away from my neck. “I love this. I've never wanted to touch anyone as much as I always want to touch you. It's just getting worse the more I get to.”

 

Her hand hadn't picked up any speed, but I still felt myself getting closer and closer to cumming. I knew I wouldn't be able to finish like this, though. I was pretty sure she knew it, too.

 

“Sara...Sara, please.”

 

“I know,” she said. “I know you need to finish. I'm just enjoying this.”

 

Suddenly, I didn't care if she didn't let me cum for a while. If she was feeling something, I wasn't going to rush her.

 

“I am, too,” I said, pushing myself against her hand. I really couldn't go much longer, but I didn't want her to leave my body. She kept her slow, long strokes going for a while. Her thumb went to my clit, and I started whining louder. I wondered what Sara thought of the sounds I made when she was inside me. I wondered after this if we'd be comfortable enough to be able to talk about things like that.

 

This really felt different than the times before.

 

“I know you need to rest,” she said. She sped her fingers up, and it knocked the wind out of me. I came with a shout, and Sara held me the whole time. She was slowly curling her fingers, easing me through it, and I wished that I had the energy to flip over and kiss her. To pin her down to the bed and make love to her all night...but I barely had the energy to keep my eyes open. After a few minutes, she went to take her fingers out of me, but I grabbed her wrist.

 

“Stay there,” I said. “Just until I fall asleep. I like having you there, Sara.”

 

She went back to fully laying behind me, and she kept her hand where it was. It felt like every muscle had been stretched, and I could finally breathe...at least a little bit. My lungs were still heavy from the cold.

 

“You always...you always make me feel like that.”

 

She kissed my cheek. “Go to sleep, Tegan.”

 

I laid still, just squeezing down on her fingers every once in a while, and hearing her gasp behind me. She was still inside of me when I fell asleep, and I assumed she would go back to her bed some time during the night.

 

But she didn't.

 

I woke up the next morning, and Sara was facing me, asleep. Her legs were intertwined with mine, and her hand that had been inside of me was now resting on my hip. I moved a little without thinking, and she started to wake up.

 

“Shh, baby,” she said. “I'm trying to sleep.”

 

She kissed my forehead, but her eyes never opened. I studied her face, happy that she was still here with me. She hadn't left. She'd only pulled me closer and slept with me. She leaned forward in her sleep, and I kissed her. She kissed me back. Her hand went into my hair.

 

Then she was pulling away and jumping out of the bed. It was like our first kiss all over again. I sat up in the bed. The blood rushed to my head, and I was reminded that I wasn't totally well.

 

“Sara, don't panic,” I said.

 

“I shouldn't have...” she turned away from me, quickly throwing on some real clothes. “That was too much. I shouldn't have let you make me feel that way.”

 

She was out the door before I could get out of the bed. I didn't even bother getting dressed, instead just throwing on a hoodie and some shorts with a pair of sneakers. I went out the door and looked around, but I didn't see her. I walked down her normal path and she wasn't there. I decided to go to the chapel, to see if she'd gone to pray, but she wasn't there. She wasn't at counseling. I didn't know how I knew that, but I did.

 

I tried not to worry. She was probably just taking a walk...but something in me told me that we'd gone too far too fast, and I was scared Sara wasn't coming back. It was totally irrational, but the feeling was there.

 

I went back to the cabin. It was still early. I tried to sleep again, but lying down was just making my chest feel tight. I sat at the desk. Sara's bible notes were laying open, and I glanced down at them. I wasn't expecting to see anything but advise from Joe and bible quotes. I hadn't expected to see my name. I focused my eyes and read a few lines.

 

_Tegan makes me feel like my life hasn't been a waste, and that it won't be a waste. That I'm not just a burden on everyone around me. Tegan makes me feel important. That's probably not good. She would probably say that it was, though._

 

My eyes went wide, and I flipped through a few pages. There were quotes, here and there, but it was mostly just stories of what had happened between the two of us.

 

These weren't bible notes; this was Sara's diary.

 

 


	15. Chapter 15

I briefly thought to myself that I shouldn't invade Sara's privacy like I was about to. I thought of closing the book and going back to bed for a while. She would come back, and we would talk, but I wouldn't bring up the few lines I'd seen of her diary.

 

Of course, I knew that wasn't what I was going to do.

 

Starting from the beginning, it seemed that they had been bible notes. The first part was just quotes that one of the counselors had pointed out that would “help us find strength.” That changed a few days in.

 

_I can't stop looking at her. I need to get away from her. Joe says that being near her will help me...give me an example of what not to be...give me a challenge to help succeed in times that I can't focus on myself. She just feels dangerous. I need to stop watching her. And I need her to stop watching me._

 

I flipped forward a few pages.

 

_She's so cocky. She doesn't even care that she's a sinner. She doesn't even care that her parents can't love her like this. I hate it. I hate her. I just want her to shut up. I just want to shut her up...I can't think about her like that. Even if I feel like I can't **stop** thinking about her like that._

 

For the most part, the early parts of her journal just reminded me of how awful we'd been to each other. I felt guilty for how I'd thought of her back then. We'd both been avoiding feelings for each other by treating each other terribly. I wish I'd known that she'd needed me then. Maybe she wouldn't have run away. Maybe she would have kept kissing me if I hadn't pushed her so hard.

 

I kept reading.

 

_She says my name in her sleep sometimes. She starts gasping and calling for me. I didn't wake her up the first few times. I hadn't touched anyone since I'd gotten here. I hadn't even touched myself. What was I supposed to do when that voice started shouting my name? I couldn't help myself. I'm weak. I finally woke her up the other day when I felt tempted to feel just how wet she was._

 

_She'd probably never let me take her the way I wanted to. She'd probably think I was an even bigger freak than she was. I just wish-_

 

The next few lines were scratched out, but it looked like: _I just wish I could tie her up and make her beg for it. She's probably used to having her way with girls the way I am, but I would fuck her until all she could say was my name._

 

I could feel my heart beating everywhere in my body. My breathing had gotten heavier without me even realizing it. The next words were written over more than once.

 

_ **God, please take these thoughts away from me.** _

 

I closed the book for a while. I needed to get ready for chapel. I was sure that Sara would be there...and honestly, I couldn't read anymore. Just like everything else with Sara, it was making me sad and confused and so fucking turned on (my first thought shouldn't have been “I'd let you tie me up, Sara” but it was) that I couldn't even really process it.

 

I went to breakfast and kept telling myself that I shouldn't be surprised that Sara wasn't there. She'd been skipping for extra counseling. This wasn't out of the ordinary...but it felt like it was. We hadn't had a real set-back like this in a while, and this felt like the biggest step back that we'd ever done. All we'd done was spend the night together. We'd already slept together. Hell, we'd even slept basically next to each other in the tent. It wasn't like laying next to each other overnight should have made such a difference.

 

But it did. It did, and I knew it did. The last few times we'd been together had been different. She'd been giving me more and more every time, and it seemed that she felt she'd given more than she should have. She was in love with me, too. It probably wasn't fair for me to make that assumption without talking to her, but I knew it was true.

 

I went to chapel...and Sara wasn't there, either. Sara never missed chapel. Sara spent as much time in that chapel as she could. Why would she miss it now?

 

I counted the seconds until service was over. I ran to the cabin to check if she had gone back there, but she hadn't.

 

Group started, and Sara wasn't there. Joe noticed, but he didn't have a chance to comment. A lot of people were having their “turning moments” as camp was coming to a close, so he was kept busy. I saw him walking towards me, but I ran out before he could catch up. I grabbed lunch and walked back to the cabin.

 

Sara still wasn't there.

 

I tried to focus on my food and listen to music, but it was hard not to run out and start frantically looking for her. She hadn't even been gone a full day. I shouldn't have been this worried. I looked for something that could distract me, and my eyes fell on her diary on the desk. I crammed the last of my food into my mouth and sat at the chair, opening to a random page.

 

_I've never had someone take as much as Tegan has without a complaint. She seems to want it. That doesn't make any sense. I'm not supposed to want to touch women like that. I don't think I'm supposed to want anyone the way I want her. She looked up at me from between my thighs last night, and I thought she'd be scared of me. I thought that taking her against the door was too much. Who would want someone who gets pleasure from doing that to someone else?_

 

_Then she pulled me closer and licked me...like I'd licked her the last time. She still wasn't running. Even after what had happened here, and on the desk, and on the floor, she wasn't turning away, and having her isn't giving me the usual feeling of being temporarily sated. I just wanted her more. I wonder how far she would let me push things next time. Does she have any limits? I shouldn't want to find out._

 

_I wish I knew what I was doing wrong. Why do I want her so much? I thought that I didn't want girls anymore, but I'm starting to be afraid it's more than I just want her. What do I do to just want her as a friend? Why is she all I can ever think about anymore?_

 

I heard a knock at the door, and I quickly wiped away the tear on my face. I ran to the door, hoping to see Sara, but it was a random counselor that I didn't even recognize. He was tall and thin. Probably only a couple of years older than me.

 

“Hello, Tegan!” he said to me, wearing the same smile as the rest of them did. “You're late to your one-on-one counseling. Danny sent me over to come get you.”

 

I shook my head. “Any way we could put that off?”

 

“We maybe could if we hadn't already changed your date twice already,” he said. “Your day was during the hike-and-camp, and you were sick for your make-up session.”

 

“Doesn't that mean I get to not have to go?” I asked, and he laughed.

 

“Oh, Tegan, you need these sessions as part of your recovery. Trust me, when I was in the same place a couple years ago, they were where I had my biggest breakthroughs!”

 

I sighed. “You're not going to leave, are you?”

 

He shook his head, and I followed him out the door. I wanted to read more. I wanted to know more of how she felt...what she was thinking. More than that, I wanted to be there when she got back.

 

I had a habit of my mind going to the absolute worst thing that could have happened to her. The most likely scenario was that she was just avoiding me or taking some time to herself, but all I could imagine was her lying somewhere, fatally wounded from an animal attack or from falling down a cliff or something...it was ridiculous, but thoughts like that hovered at the back of my mind.

 

I tried to stay calm as I sat down for my session with Danny.

 

“Well, it's been a while, hasn't it?”

 

I nodded. “Yeah.”

 

“Do you feel like sharing anything today?” he asked. “I only want to help.”

 

I briefly thought of sharing something with him. I felt like I didn't have anyone. Sara was God knows where, I'd just started getting to know Jeremy, so I didn't want to lay all this on him, and I didn't trust (or actively distrusted) everyone else. I just wanted to be able to talk to someone about this.

 

“I...I don't know.”

 

He leaned forward in his chair. “Tegan, you can trust me. I won't judge you for anything you say. Feel free to share any thoughts or feelings that you've been having.”

 

It was supposed to be comforting. I knew he was trying to give off calming vibes, but it didn't feel that way. His words said that I could trust him with my every thought, but his body was giving off that he _wanted_ to hear your thoughts...he knew what they were. I assumed if I started to tell him just about my dreams with Sara, he would want to know every detail: How long did we kiss? What did her teeth feel like on my nipple? How many times had she made me cum?

 

“I don't have anything to say.”

 

“Tegan-” I shook my head, and he sat back in his chair. “Tegan, I'm going to have to see some progress in you eventually, or I won't be able to give you a positive mental evaluation at the end of camp.”

 

“I know,” I said.

 

“Don't you care at all?”

 

I wanted to say no, but he seemed like he was getting angry. This was exactly why I hated being in these rooms alone with him.

 

“I just need more time,” I said quietly.

 

He backed off. “I can understand that. I'm glad that you shared that with me.”

 

I nodded, and he just talked to me for the rest of the time. I have no idea what he said.

 

I walked out of my counseling session and went back to the cabin, angry when Sara still wasn't there. I turned back around and went looking for her again. I walked almost every path we'd ever gone down together on our morning walks. I checked all of the placed we'd ever eaten breakfast or lunch. I checked in the chapel, then decided to walk to the back. Sara had mentioned that she sometimes went back there to pray or take notes...I guess write in her diary, actually. I'd checked earlier, but she hadn't been there.

 

As I walked closer to the back, I started to hear noises. They were faint at first, but they were getting louder. Whimpering. Gasping. Moaning.

 

Someone was having sex behind the chapel.

 

I briefly had the thought of Sara having some girl back there, and my stomach dropped. What if Sara _did_ have some other girl back there? I felt instantly jealous and hurt. I also knew that if it was Sara, I'd feel slightly relieved, knowing she was okay. That just made me angry with myself. Even if I knew she was running off, fucking someone else, I'd just be happy that she was alive. I shook my head at myself. This was all in my head. I peeked around the corner to see who it was.

 

It wasn't Sara.

 

But it was Heather and Tina again.

 

Heather had Tina pinned against the wall, head buried in Tina's neck, and her hand under Tina's skirt, but that's all I saw before I pulled back around the corner. I started to walk away, but I heard Tina speak up.

 

“Kiss me,”

 

I took a few steps, then Heather spoke.

 

“You know I don't do that, Tina,” she said. “You know the rules.”

 

“I just...I think that it could be nice-”

 

“This isn't about being nice,” Heather said. “There are no feelings here.”

 

“Heather, you don't have to be so cold-”

 

“This is about us releasing our sin, right?” There was silence for a second before she repeated, “Right?”

 

“Right,” Tina said. “You're totally right. Sorry.”

 

Tina went back to moaning, and I got away as quickly as possible. It sounded so familiar. There weren't feelings. They were just friends. Friends who shared the same sin who understood that sometimes, it became too much to control, so you had to help each other. Except one of the friends always ended up wanting more.

 

Friends like Sara and me.

 

I went back to the cabin, and read her diary from cover to cover. Every page. Every word. I needed to know that she felt more. I needed to know that she felt what I felt. I needed to know that she loved me. If her journal wasn't the confirmation that I'd been looking for, then I didn't know what was.

 

Every day that passed, it seemed that Sara had loved me more and more. And every day, she fought those feelings harder and harder. Lines of her thoughts and sexual desires were literally written over with scripture. She would start a sad story about her family, then quickly talk of how wonderful they were. Sometimes, she would just be honest.

 

_I hate my sister. It makes me feel like a terrible person for feeling that way, but I do. I want to love her. My parents love her. I'd always wanted a sister. I should love her. I should have felt it the moment that my parents brought her to show me in the hospital. I didn't, though. I did care for her, and love her on some level, but I knew that we'd never be close. I'd tried, but all she did was push me away. Hurt me. Distance me even further from my parents._

 

_I wondered if they'd hate me the way they do if Samantha hadn't come along and been the perfect child they always wanted. They probably would. My sin is just too large to love._

 

Those types of entries became more regular as she went along. As we got along. It gave me glimpses into her family, into the girls she was with before (I felt jealous for the second time that day, reading the details of the things that she'd done with them, but I couldn't ignore how I crossed my legs and imagined her doing some of these things to me), into how she felt about the camp, and most of all, it showed me what she thought of me. I read over the most recent passage a few times.

 

_I should have noticed sooner. I knew she'd been feeling a little sluggish since we'd gotten back from the trip, but I didn't realize how serious it was. I should have. She would have noticed it about me. She would have taken care of me. Well, I'm going to take care of her. As soon as she wakes up, I'm going to give her whatever she needs._

 

_My extra prayer isn't helping me as much as I'd hoped it would. I just...I try to pray, and then I open my eyes, and just stare at my hands in front of my face. They've touched her. They've been inside her. One of them was as far inside of her as it could go, and if I had any more to give, she seemed like she would have been happy to take it._

 

_Everyone in my life has told me that I wasn't good enough. Something was always wrong with me, and I've always believed it. Is it more likely that there's something wrong with me, or that everyone else is wrong? That's the logic that my parents would use, so it was the logic I always used. I desperately tried to make myself right._

 

_Tegan makes me feel like I finally don't have to try to hard, because she just likes me. The more of my bad sides that I show, whether she likes them individually or not, she seems to like **me** more. It makes me happy. She makes me happy._

 

_It's probably dangerous to let myself think this way._

 

_For today, I'm going to focus on making her better. I'll deal with myself later._

 

I closed the book and laid down on my bed on my side, staring at the wall. It was getting late. It was passed curfew, but no one had come by to check our cabin (they checked cabins randomly, just to fuck with us more). Sara still wasn't home. Thoughts swirled through my head. Heather and Tina's conversation. Sara's journal. Sara's face right before she'd run out of the cabin. Like she was in a panic. She wouldn't have...she wouldn't have done anything to herself, would she?

 

I started to cry, trying to force myself to sleep. It didn't work. I got up and took a shower, trying to clear my thoughts, but it didn't help. I dried off, got dressed again, then started cleaning the room. Just as I was about to pull my bed away from the wall to sweep there, I heard the door open and close behind me.

 

I spun around, and Sara met my eyes briefly, before looking away and starting to walk to her bed.

 

“Um...hello?”

 

Sara didn't look up at me as she pulled back her covers and grabbed her sleep clothes. “Hello, Tegan.”

 

“Where the fuck were you?” I asked her. She started to walk into the bathroom. “Sara, stop!”

 

“I needed some space.”

 

“You could have told someone where you were,” I snapped. “We were all worried.”

 

“We who?” she asked.

 

“We everyone,” I answered, quickly. “You just took off.”

 

“I don't have to tell you everywhere I go, Tegan. I don't have to tell you everything I do.”

 

She walked into the bathroom, and I felt like she'd slapped me. This wasn't about me being possessive. This was about me knowing that she was running. She was running from her feelings. She was running from me. She wouldn't admit to either of us that she felt something for me.

 

When she walked out of the bathroom, I was ready to tell her off. I took the breath I would need to make it through the speech I was about to give her, but it got caught when I saw something.

 

A small mark on her neck. Barely there. Not from me.

 

I walked closer to her and touched it without thinking. Her eyes went wide, and her hand flew to her neck.

 

“Oh,” I said. “Okay.”

 

“Tegan-”

 

“Is that where you were off to all day?” I asked her through my teeth.

 

“No.”

 

I waited for her to say more, but she didn't.

 

“What...what the fuck, Sara?”

 

“I can't talk about this right now.”

 

I let out a laugh. “You can't talk about this right now? You can't just-”

 

“Tegan,” she said, calmly, and I stopped talking. “I cannot deal with this right now. I can't deal with you right now. Just go to bed.”

 

“I...I...” I wanted to say something. I looked into her eyes, and she looked like the day had taken its toll on her, too. One more night. I would give her one more night of silence.

 

I turned around and crawled into my bed without another word. I heard her do the same behind me. I knew I would barely sleep. I felt crazy...like I wanted to tear this stupid fucking cabin apart log by log. Sadly, I knew that if Sara decided that she needed to take out her frustrations on my body in the middle of the night, I would probably let her, because I knew it would make me feel better for a little while.

 

The next morning came surprisingly fast, and Sara and I got ready without a word. I'd look at her when she wasn't watching, and I could feel her doing the same to me. I was tired of this. Tired of constantly holding my tongue. Tired of always making sure that she was comfortable. What about me? What about how I felt?

 

She ate breakfast with a few of the other “actually trying” kids, so I sat with Jeremy.

 

“Looks like things are going well,” he said as he looked at me.

 

“Not now,” I said.

 

“Wow, I'm sorry,” he said. “You look really upset.”

 

“I am really upset,” I replied. “My patience is running thin.”

 

“Can I offer a distraction?” he asked, and I nodded. “I caught one of the counselors jacking off to a gay porn magazine.”

 

I laughed. “I caught Heather fucking Tina.”

 

His jaw dropped. “Get the fuck out.”

 

“Twice.”

 

His eyes blinked a few times. “Okay, well, that's actually news.”

 

“Yeah,” I said with a smirk, glad to have him here.

 

“Although, I guess it should be obvious that's going to happen,” he went on. “Most of them are 'recovered' or whatever. Some of them are bound to pair off just like some of us are.”

 

I looked over at Sara. She wasn't talking to any of them. She was just slowly eating her food, staring at the table. I wished that she could have someone to turn to. Then I remembered the mark on her neck, and I thought bitterly that maybe she already did.

 

“Maybe we shouldn't,” I said. “How can anything healthy come out of this place?”

 

He shrugged. “I feel like there's really no such thing as a healthy relationship. Try to be as loving and respectful as possible, but just kind of accept that you're going to fuck each other up a little bit. It's the way of life.”

 

I laughed. “Isn't that kind of like settling?”

 

He shook his head. “It's like realizing that you don't want perfect. You just want the other person. In your case, you just want Sara.”

 

“You're making a lot of sense right now,” I said to him. “I just wish she wasn't making it so hard.”

 

“Yeah, I can't really help you, there,” he said with a laugh. “Patience is not something that I have much of...any of, really.”

 

“I think I used to,” I said. “I think she used it all.”

 

He laughed. “I have a feeling that if you two get together, you're going to need to find a lot more from somewhere.”

 

I smiled at him. “I'm glad I met you, Jeremy.”

 

“Same,” he said back. “Now please, God, tell me more about Heather!”

 

I filled him in on all the details of that story, glad to not be thinking about Sara for at least a little while. When we finally had to go to chapel, Jeremy gave me a hug and a wish of good luck before sending me on my way.

 

Sitting next to Sara at chapel was so hard. We'd gone through her making me uncomfortable to me making her uncomfortable to both of us making each other uncomfortable, and I just wanted to be able to relax. I just wanted to be able to sit next to her without thinking about it. Was that so much to ask for?

 

When it let out, we all started to walk towards Arts and Crafts, but Heather and Joe lead us toward group. Everyone started asking questions (no one wanted to go to group. At least in Arts and Crafts, we didn't really have to think or talk. We just painted stuff), but eventually, we all just sat down and waited for an explanation.

 

“Hey, guys!” Joe said. “We thought that with things getting pretty close to done here, we should have some bonus group time. A lot of you still have a ways to go in a short amount of time, so you'll need this extra help! We'll hear a little bit from everyone today before we head off to lunch.”

 

I held in a groan, and I could almost feel everyone doing the same around me. I didn't want to share. I just wanted to get back to my cabin so I could talk to Sara. I couldn't hold this all in much longer.

 

They went around the room, one-by-one, getting us to talk as much as they could. They brought most of the younger kids (and a lot of the older ones and adults) to tears, talking about things that they probably shouldn't be forced to talk about in front of a room full of people.

 

Sara was barely paying attention to any of it. I hated that I wanted to comfort her. Joe was getting closer and closer to her, and I wondered what she was going to say when he finally got to her. She hadn't seemed very interested in Joe or any of the counselors for a while, but she was still trying to recover.

 

“Sara,” Joe finally said. “I know you've been having struggles, but I've also noticed you in the chapel more. Have you altered your recovery method? That's totally okay. Why don't you talk about it?”

 

“I don't have anything to say,” Sara said in response, and Joe looked a little surprised.

 

“I can understand your defensiveness, but there's no need to lash out. I'm only trying to help.”

 

“I know,” she said. “What would help the most is if I didn't have to talk right now. Thank you.”

 

Joe shook his head. “No, that's what you _think_ would help the most. Sara, you can't always trust your feelings. They are what have led you astray so far.”

 

“All I've ever done is fight my feelings, and it just makes me hurt. I just-” She cut herself off. “I don't want to talk right now.”

 

“Oh, it's natural to feel that way. You've been fighting so hard for so long. You feel like it would be easier to just give into your sin.”

 

“Sometimes, I feel like it would be better,” she muttered under her breath.

 

“That's normal, too,” he said. “Just think about it, though. It may be easier in the short term, but is it better to turn your back on your family? On their hopes and dreams for you? Is it better to commit your soul to eternal damnation?”

 

He was leaning over her, and she was starting to shrink into herself. All I could imagine was Sara's father. I'd seen him only in the one picture that Sara had brought with her of her family. He was tall, and I could almost see him towering over her like Joe was, even more intimidating because of his size.

 

“She's trying. Back off,” I said, and Joe turned to me.

 

“Tegan, it'll be your turn to share soon enough.”

 

“You don't need to basically corner her in her chair,” I went on.

 

“Tegan, shut up,” Sara snapped at me, and I scoffed in disbelief.

 

“Are you kidding me? I'm trying to help you.”

 

“I can take care of myself,” she said quickly. “Stay out of it. This has nothing to do with you.”

 

“Oh, really?” I was losing it. “This had nothing to do with me?”

 

“Yeah, I really don't need your help, no matter how much you try to push it on me.”

 

“You're kidding, right?” I was shaking my head. “You're fucking insane!”

 

“Tegan,” Joe said. “Language.”

 

“Oh, fuck you!” I yelled at him. “Fuck you, and this whole stupid fucking camp! The only reason anyone is showing 'results' is because they want results, or they're delirious from lack of food. You feed us, like, 300 calories a day.”

 

“Tegan, we've had dietitians pick out your meal plans-”

 

“Bullshit. No one is trained here! The one-on-one sessions are just like live Penthouse letters for Danny and the others, and there is no way in hell that anyone with proper training would say that the beds we sleep in are conducive to sleep or that the food we're given has any real nutritional value. Your experts are crap!”

 

“Tegan, stop,” Sara said, leaning toward me, but it just pissed me off more.

 

“I can take care of myself, Sara,” I spat. “This has nothing to do to you.”

 

“Yeah, throw my words in my face. Really mature.”

 

“Coming from the girl that can't have one honest conversation about how she really feels-”

 

“Tegan. Shut. Up.” Sara had a dangerous look on her face.

 

“I'm so tired of this,” I said. “I'm tired of being told to hate myself. I'm tired of this place.”

 

Heather stepped forward. “Tegan, while there will have to be consequences for your words, we all realize that this is a part of your process-”

 

“Don't even get me started on you,” I said. “What were you doing in your tent at the hike-and-camp, Heather? Or, I guess I should say who-”

 

“Out!” Heather's voice almost echoed with the volume that she shouted the word. Her finger was pointing toward the door. “Tegan and Sara both out!”

 

“But, Heather-” Sara started to say, but Heather cut her off.

 

“You'll go back to your cabin. You won't stray. Someone will check on you later. Go.”

 

“I-”

 

“NOW!” Heather was shaking, so Sara and I quickly got up and walked out the door.

 

It had started raining again, just to mock me that little bit more. Sara was walking quickly ahead of me, and I was angrily staring at the back of her head. This was her fault, but I was sure she would act like it was mine. I didn't care. I was done.

 

The second I walked into the cabin and closed the door behind me, Sara was in my face.

 

“What the hell were you thinking?!” She was angry. I was glad. “Why would you say all that?”

 

“Because it's all true. This place is sick, Heather, and probably all the other counselors, is a fake, and you have feelings for me. I know that I...” I took a deep breath. I was terrified to say it, but it had to be said. “I love you, Sara.”

 

“Tegan, please, just stop,” she said, closing her eyes, her voice going soft. “You don't mean that.”

 

“I do.” It felt good to finally have it out, but I knew it wouldn't be able to be the romantic moment that I wanted it to be. “I love you, Sara.”

 

“Stop,” she said again, but she was starting to get angry again. “I can't...I can't deal with this.”

 

“Yeah, well, you have to,” I said. “Sometimes things have to go my way.”

 

“Things always go your way, Tegan.”

 

I laughed. “Oh, because I get the privilege of touching you? Should I feel lucky?”

 

“That's not what I'm saying.”

 

“You disappeared!” I yelled at her. “You disappeared for a day without a word to _anyone_. No one could tell me where you were or if you were okay. And then, you finally come back, and I find that someone else has been sucking on your neck, and I fucking hate it!”

 

“I'm not yours to care about!” she yelled at me.

 

“Yeah, well, obviously, I want to be.”

 

There was a knock at the door, and both of our heads snapped to the door. I answered it, and Tina was on the other side of the door.

 

Tina was a few years older than me. Maybe 24? She mostly tried to stay in the background and just clap when she was supposed to. I'd never noticed her paying more attention to Heather than to anyone else...I wondered if that was a conscious effort.

 

She was holding a basket in one hand and an umbrella in the other. The rain was getting bad again.

 

“I was sent out to make sure you got food.” She handed me the basket. “We might all end up having to hunker down, so you two make sure to stay put.”

 

“Yeah. Sure,” I said.

 

“Make sure to keep your fan running as long as we have power. It'll be really humid through this. There's a lot of water.”

 

“Okay. Thank you.” I started to close the door, but she stopped it with her hand.

 

“Heather isn't a bad person. She's just...confused. She doesn't know what she wants.”

 

“I'd hate to be the person on the other end of that,” I said, realizing as I said it that I kind of was.

 

“Just please don't say anything else,” she said to me. “This is her life.”

 

“Whatever,” I said. “Find cover, Tina.” I closed the door, then set the basket on the desk. Sara was sitting in the chair.

 

“We shouldn't talk about these things,” Sara said to me. “I'm sorry we did this in the first place.”

 

“No, you aren't,” I said. “Even if you were, that doesn't change the fact that we did. We kissed, we fucked, you...you had your whole hand in me, Sara. As much as you don't want to admit it, we made love. That was making love.”

 

“That was supposed to be you helping me as a friend, remember?” Angry again. Not surprising. “You weren't supposed to be falling for me, Tegan.”

 

“But I was. You were, too. Just admit it.”

 

She shook her head. “I wasn't. I care about you as a friend, but I don't love you like that.”

 

“I'm not letting you do this,” I said. “You're going to be honest with me. You owe me this, Sara. You need to tell me you love me.”

 

“I don't.”

 

“What the fuck happened while you were gone?”

 

“I don't have to tell you that,” she said. She wanted me to raise to the bait, and so far, I had been. I couldn't anymore. I was just too tired of it.

 

“Sara, please,” she said. “We just...you mean so much to me. Just be honest with me.”

 

“There's nothing to say,” she mumbled out.

 

“Stop lying.”

 

She grunted and stood up to face me. We were definitely within each other's personal space, but we still had a little distance between us.

 

“So you won't accept any answer that isn't that I love you?”

 

“If you don't love me, make me feel that,” I said. “All you've made me feel is that you love me.”

 

“I _hated_ you when we met!” she yelled. “I didn't want anything to do with you, Tegan!”

 

“No, you didn't,” I said. “The way you looked at me didn't say that you hated me. The way we immediately bonded the moment you gave us a chance to didn't say that you hated me, Sara.”

 

“The way that I told you that I hated you should have told you that I hated you,” Sara said.

 

“The only reason you ever hated me was because you love me and I'm a girl,” I said. “You've never been able to stop staring at me.”

 

“That's not true.”

 

“It is, too! You even wrote it yourself?”

 

“What?” Sara asked, taking a step back.

 

I took a deep breath. I hadn't meant to say that, but things had been flying out of my mouth without thought all day. I shouldn't have been surprised.

 

“I read your notes. Your diary.”

 

“You had no right to do that,” she said, her eyes going wide.

 

“I know,” I said. “And I'm sorry that I invaded your privacy, but it just confirmed what I already knew.”

 

“How am I supposed to be able to trust you after this?” She said, breaking eye contact. I took a step closer to her.

 

“Don't make this about something else. I'm sorry. I promise to earn your trust back. That doesn't change the fact that you're in love with me, Sara. Just say it.”

 

She looked at me. Her eyes look scared as she scanned my entire face. She put her lips on mine, and both her hands went to my ass, pulling me closer. I kissed back without thinking. Every kiss felt so good. Her hands went to the front of my pants, but I pushed them away.

 

“No, Sara,” I said. “We're not doing this.”

 

“You want it,” she said to me. “If you get to say what you know about me, then I get to do the same. I know you want me, Tegan.”

 

“I-” she started biting my neck, and I let out a sound that I couldn't even define in words. “Sara, you can't just keep avoiding this.”

 

“This is it, Tegan,” she said, palming my chest over my shirt. “This is the last time. Really the last time.”

 

I felt sick. Not because I believed what she was trying to denying this to me, but because she was really still trying to deny this to herself. I pushed her away. “This isn't. This isn't even close, Sara. This won't be the last time.” I kissed her long and slow. She fell into it for a minute, her hands falling to my hips, but it only lasted for a moment.

 

“Stop pushing this, Tegan.” She pushed me back on her bed as the weather outside got even worse. She crawled on top of me and kissed me hard. I rolled us over. Sara fought against me, but I just grabbed her wrists and pinned her hands to her sides. I kissed her cheeks a few times, and she sighed.

 

“Just relax, Sara,” I said, moving down to kiss her collar bone.

 

“This isn't how we work,” she said, still trying to free her hands, but I hand gravity on my side. She finally got one hand free and started to try to rip my top off. I smacked her hands away, and she finally stopped struggling for a minute. “Are you just trying to torture me?”

 

“No,” I said. “I'm making love to you for the first time without questioning if it's really that.” I pulled my top and bra off one after the other. Sara looked at me in awe for a moment, and I took that time to start slowly pulling her top over her head. She tried to rush me, but I just kept battling her hands away.

 

“Tegan, stop it!” she said in frustration. “Just touch me.”

 

“I'm taking my time,” I said. “I'm not afraid of anyone walking in on us. I'm not afraid of crossing lines with you. I'm going to take my time. If you really want me to stop, just tell me to stop.”

 

“I don't” she growled. “Just...we can't be like this.”

 

“We have to be like this.” While we'd been talking, I'd pulled off all of my clothes, and all she had left was her underwear. “I need you to get how much I love you.”

 

“Just pull them off,” she said. “Just do it.”

 

I dragged them down her legs, and I laid fully on top of her naked for the second time. She pulled me into a heated kiss, and I slowed it down with my own lips. She resisted at first, but just ended up following my lead until she eventually pushed me back.

 

“Please let me touch you like this, Sara,” I said. “Just once. Let yourself love me. Feel how much I love you.”

 

She kept trying to flip us, but I just grabbed her wrists and put her arms back at her sides. We kept kissing, and she kept trying to speed up the pace, but I kept it slow.

 

“Sara, you have to let someone in sometime,” I said. “Please, just let me in.” I rubbed my nipples against hers, and both of us twitched from the feeling. I leaned down and pulled one of her nipples into my mouth and sucked on it lightly. Sara whined above me, but I didn't suck any harder.

 

“Tegan...I can't....”

 

“What?” I came back to her face. “What's wrong.”

 

“I just can't say it,” Sara said. “I feel it, Tegan. You know I do. I just can't say it.”

 

I looked into her eyes, and realized that she'd finally at least said it to herself. I smiled. “That's good enough for now. Just know that I love you.”

 

She gulped, then nodded. “Yes. I do.”

 

I leaned down and kissed her, and she wrapped her arms around my back. I wanted to feel her against me. I wanted to feel her everywhere. I was grinding down on Sara's stomach, and her hands slid to my hips. It felt so good, but I wanted her to feel it, too.

 

I'd thought about doing something like this before, but I wasn't even sure I could make it work. I wanted to feel her pussy against mine, but I didn't know how to do it, and I didn't quite know how to ask. I found that my body did if for me, as I slid myself lower and lower every thrust against her. Sara pulled away from our kiss and looked into my eyes. I glanced down between us, then back to her.

 

“Have you ever...” I pushed my hips down. I was just a little high of where I wanted to be, but she got what I was asking. I could see it on her face. “Have you ever done this before?”

 

“Yes,” she said. “A couple times. Neither was very good.”

 

“I want it,” I said. “I've never done it before. I guess you knew that. I haven't done anything that I haven't done with you.” I slid down further, keeping my legs on either side of her hips. I made her spread her legs as far as she could. I was hovering right above her.

 

“Tegan, this isn't going to feel like much. At least for me. It might feel okay for-” I lowered myself on top of her, and her words stopped as her eyes rolled back in her head. I barely saw it before the feeling of her core against mine forced my own eyes closed. I didn't move. I just enjoyed the feeling of her against me. I pushed a little harder, and I felt my clit kiss hers. I moved a little, and I started to feel a little dizzy. Sara was groaning underneath me.

 

I pushed down harder, but not any faster. I didn't know if I ever wanted to cum. I knew that I didn't want it for a while. I forced my eyes open, and I was shocked to see that Sara was already watching me. Her mouth was open, and there were tears in her eyes.

 

“Is this-” I shuttered as I moved against her. I could feel her wetness starting to mix with mine, and I could barely think straight. “Is this okay? D-Do you feel anything?”

 

“Oh, Tegan,” Sara said, throwing her head back. “Yes. I feel it. It feels...it feels so good.” She tried to get me to roll my hips faster with her hands, but I didn't change my speed. I didn't make her move her hands, though. I knew this was coming from her body being desperate, not from her trying to throw up walls.

 

Sara's breathing was uneven, and I could feel it in my clit. I was driving her crazy. I was driving us both crazy. I wanted myself to move faster, but part of me was afraid that Sara would run again after this...and I wanted it to last as long as it could. Another part of me was just enjoying every second of this. Sara felt so soft and slick against me. I'd never felt anything like this. I found myself saying that a lot with Sara.

 

I moved just slightly faster, but Sara definitely felt it. Her eyes didn't seem like they were able to focus on anything. She was practically growling, but I knew I wasn't giving her nearly enough to finish, because it wasn't enough for me. She finally seemed to regain her senses a little bit, and she leaned up to kiss me. One of her thumbs ran over my nipple, and I shook. I pushed her back down on the bed, sat back up, and started pushing my pussy into hers as hard and as fast as I could.

 

Her nails dug into my hips, but I barely felt it. I could feel her clit bumping and rubbing into mine, and it was making me scream. I wasn't even sure if I'd have a voice the next day, but I couldn't control it, even if I wanted to.

 

“Tegan,” Sara said. “Tegan...I...” Sara couldn't get the words out. I didn't even bother to try to get them out of her. I was too far gone. I somehow found a little more strength to push myself into her. We were both close. I could feel both of us starting to pant. I felt like an animal, pushing myself against Sara, chasing something bigger than I've ever felt before.

 

When I saw Sara's face start to contort in pleasure, it threw me over the edge with her. I was cumming...a lot. It stole the air out of my lungs, and I saw Sara's eyes go wide as she shook harder. I was squirting...and I was pretty sure that it was going into Sara. She was using her hands on my hips to pull me as close as she could to me. Her lips were quivering against mine, and it just kept making me pour out of myself and into her.

 

I didn't think that Sara would ever stop surprising me. Stop fulfilling me. I'd never thought that anyone could make me feel complete the way that Sara did for me. I could twitch against her like this forever, and I would be happy.

 

We stared at each other, saying nothing, as we both tried to come down from what we'd just done. Sara looked so happy. She always did after we were done, before her guilt inevitably set in. I tucked a hair behind her ear, and her smile just got wider.

 

“I love you.”

 

It was like she hadn't meant the words to come out of her mouth. Her face started to fall, and tears rushed to her eyes.

 

“Sara, it's okay.”

 

She motioned for me to get off of her, and I did. She sat up in the bed, and I sat next to her. She was staring off, trying to catch her breath. Before I knew it, she was sobbing, and I had my arm around her shoulders.

 

“I love you, Tegan. It isn't my sin. It isn't something that's happening to me. It's how I feel. It's just me. I love you. I want girls. I've always wanted girls. Tegan, I just felt you cum inside of me, and I loved it. And I want it to happen for as long as I can have it happen. And I love you.”

 

I rubbed her back. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know if there was anything for me to say. She turned her face into my neck to cry more, and I let her. She stayed there for a while, trying to regain her composure. Finally, she faced me again. There were tears down her cheeks, and her eyes were puffy, but there was a smile on her face.

 

“I love you. I don't have to try to change anymore, because you love me, too. You love me just how I am.”

 

“I do,” I said, holding her close to me. “You don't need to change.”

 

She took a deep breath, then let it out. “I know. I've just...this is the first time in my life that I can remember where I wasn't think about something I needed to change.” She started to cry again. “Can we just lay down? Can you hold me like this? I promise not to run away.”

 

I just nodded. We both laid down, and I held her from behind. I felt her crying, but I knew that she needed it. All I could do was be there for her. I knew that she wasn't going to take anymore steps back. I didn't know how I knew, but I did.

 

“Tegan?” she said, just before I fell asleep.

 

“Yeah?” I asked.

 

“I love you.”

 

I smiled. “I love you, too.”

 

“We can talk in the morning, okay? I know you want to talk.”

 

I kissed the back of her neck, like she'd done to me when I was sick. “It's okay. I know.”

 

I held her tighter, and fell asleep.

 

 


	16. Chapter 16

I woke up to the sounds of the storm raging outside and the feeling of Sara trying to pull herself out of the bed. I felt instant panic. I pulled her closer to me.

 

“No,” I said, half asleep. My throat ached, and my voice was barely there. “No, you promised.”

 

“I'm not leaving,” she said. “I'm going to the bathroom.”

 

I still didn't want to let go, but I pulled my arms back. “You need to come back.”

 

She giggled as she climbed out of the bed. “I'm coming back. Go back to sleep.”

 

I heard her walk into the bathroom, and I tried to just go back to sleep. I hadn't even opened my eyes yet. It should have been easy, but I knew I wouldn't be able to relax until she was back. What if she'd actually walked out of the front of the cabin? As much as I hated it, I didn't fully trust her. It wasn't like she didn't have a history of seeming like she was doing better, only for things to get a lot worse suddenly. I needed her to come back. I knew that every time she did, I would trust her a bit more.

 

I felt myself relax as I heard the sound of the faucet, then the door opening and closing as Sara came back to the bed.

 

“The storm's still bad. Even worse than it was the other day,” she said, now facing me. I opened my eyes, and I couldn't help but smile.

 

“It's okay,” I said back. “We're safe in here, and it just means no one will come to check on us.”

 

“Or chew us out.”

 

“Yeah,” I said quietly. “I don't know what's gonna happen with that.”

 

“Is it true?” she asked. “About Heather?”

 

I nodded. “I caught them twice.”

 

“Why didn't you tell me?” she asked me.

 

“I didn't think you would want to hear it,” I said. “You were in recovery mode. I just figured it would make everything worse.”

 

She didn't say anything, but her face said that she understood. I wondered how she felt about that news. While she'd had her fill of the counselors as of late, Joe and Heather had been really “helpful” to her for the first part of camp. I knew that in a way, she'd looked up to them.

 

“I don't think I can sleep anymore,” she said. “Do you know what time it is?”

 

I checked the alarm clock in our room. “2:30.”

 

“Okay,” she said. “You can sleep. Do you mind if I get up and...I don't know.”

 

“That's fine,” I said. “I'll get up, too, though. The rain keeps waking me up, anyway.”

 

She crawled out of the bed and threw some clothes on, and I did the same, but I stayed sitting in her bed. She took the chair.

 

We both felt the air around us grow thick. I had a million questions, and Sara seemed like she did, too.

 

“Are you...have you been tested?” she asked, catching me off guard. I hadn't been expecting that to be the start of this conversation. “I was right before I came here, and I'm clean.”

 

“What...I...no. I hadn't even thought about it.”

 

“You should,” she said. “Had Lindsey been tested?”

 

I shrugged, embarrassed. “I didn't ask.”

 

She nodded. “Don't feel bad. I didn't think about it until a woman I slept with at a bar brought it up. We'll just have to do that when we get out of here.” I tried to focus on what she was trying to tell me, rather than be happy that she was thinking of us doing things together after camp. We dropped back into silence, but she spoke up again after a minute. “Why were you reading my journal?”

 

I held back a groan. I was glad she was talking, but I really felt bad for looking.

 

“It was open. I saw my name.” I shrugged. “It was stupid, and I'm sorry. All I can say is that I was barely able to think. You were gone, and I was panicking. It's not an excuse, but it's the truth.”

 

“I never meant for you to see any of that,” she said. “Those weren't thoughts I planned to share.”

 

“Again, I'm sorry,” I said. “To be honest, though, if I had a re-do, I'd do it the same way. It made everything come out in the open.”

 

She smiled a little. “You're right, and I'm sure you would. Just...I need to know that you won't do it again. I need to know that I can have my own spaces.”

 

I nodded. “Sure. I get that.”

 

“Thank you,” she replied. She started looking at me expectantly, so I guessed it was my turn to ask a question.

 

“Where were you?” I asked. “Where did you go?”

 

She swallowed hard. “I tried to pray...speak to God. I wanted direction. My...” She stopped talking to take a few deep breaths. “My feelings for you...I couldn't ignore them. It was getting harder to make excuses. Sleeping with you was one thing, but holding you and fantasizing doing this with you after camp is over...that scared me. I figured if I couldn't stop wanting girls, it was probably best to at least try to stop liking you. I came back to camp and talked to a few girls...found one that was willing-”

 

“That's the mark on your neck,” I said, staring at it. “You went and fucked some other girl.”

 

I shouldn't have been so bitter. I knew why she'd done it, and we weren't together, but I couldn't help but be a little angry with her.

 

“I tried to,” she said, quietly. “I had my hands up her shirt, and she was kissing my neck-”

 

“I don't need the details,” I said.

 

“She was like all the other girls I'd ever slept with...but she was nothing like you.”

 

I looked at her. “So what does that mean?”

 

“It means I couldn't sleep with her,” she finally said. “I couldn't do it, so I came back here without any answers. That's why I couldn't talk to you. I couldn't deal with you, because I knew I wasn't going to be able to push you away much longer.”

 

I still felt jealous that someone had been touching her not long before.

 

“Do you think that you'll feel like that again?” I asked. “Like you need to sleep with someone else?”

 

“I don't think so,” she said. “But honestly, there's a lot going through my head right now. I don't even know who I am. If I accept that this is who I am, then my whole life has been wasted on trying to change something that doesn't need changing. I don't even know what I want out of life. I just...I have a lot to think about.”

 

I felt so badly for her. I sometimes forgot that for her, this meant a lot more than just loving me. This meant her whole life changing. Still, I needed to know how she was feeling after what she'd said the night before.

 

“So I assume you don't want to talk about...us, then?” I shouldn't have even asked, but the words were out of my mouth. “It's just that...you said you love me.”

 

She nodded quickly. “I do. I do love you, Tegan.” She stopped and smiled.

 

“What?” I asked, and she laughed a little.

 

“You started smiling so big when I said it,” she said, and I realized she was right. Her face went serious again. “Tegan, I wish I could tell you that we can be together, now, but I just...I need time to figure everything out. Besides, I don't know that I would want to start anything while we're here. I need to be out of this place before I can even think about committing to someone else.”

 

I sighed. “I understand.”

 

“I'm not saying that we're nothing,” she said. “I'm just saying that I have a lot of thoughts to sort through. I just know that I love you, and that I don't want to hurt you anymore.”

 

I nodded again. “Does that mean that we shouldn't sleep together anymore?”

 

“Probably not,” she said, and I started to deflate. I knew that it was probably the healthiest way to deal with this, but it just felt like a punishment for both of us. She kept talking. “I don't think it's realistic, though.”

 

“Why not?” I tried to keep the hope out of my voice.

 

“We're being thrown together at every turn,” she said. “I don't see myself being able to keep away from you for that long.”

 

“Yeah,” I said, smiling again.

 

“And I love you,” she said again, and I felt my smile grow. “This is all so much, but it feels so good to say that.”

 

“I love you, too,” I said. “Last night was amazing.”

 

“It's always amazing.”

 

I nodded, thinking of every time that Sara and I had been together. “It is.”

 

“How are you feeling?” she asked me. “I don't think I ask you that enough.”

 

I opened and closed my mouth a few times before anything would come out. “I feel...relieved, and scared, and happy, and shocked, and totally,  _ totally  _ overwhelmed. I feel like we're getting close to being able to just love each other, but it feels so far away. I just want us to be able to try to be together.” I laughed. “I just want you to be able to fuck me hard in a real bed.”

 

“You'll tell me if I ever go too far, right?” she asked me, suddenly looking vulnerable. “If I ever hurt you in a bad way?”

 

I nodded. “Yeah, but don't worry about that so much. I sort of look forward to finding my limits with you.”

 

She blushed, like she hadn't been grinding her pussy into mine hours ago. “I've never been able to talk about any of this stuff. At least, in a way that wasn't to say all of the things I shouldn't be feeling.”

 

“Do you want to stop?” I asked.

 

She nodded. “For a while, yeah. But I...I want to talk more later. ” I was alright with that. I didn't feel nearly as afraid of Sara running from me or pretending that we hadn't said that we loved each other.

 

The two of us got ready for the day as the sounds of the storm died down. I wanted this camp to end more than I ever had before. Maybe everything did have a meaning, since if I hadn't been sent here, I never would have met Sara. Even if that were true, I felt like this place had served its purpose. The remaining time just felt pointless.

 

Mostly, though, I knew that continuing to go through therapy was going to be hard for Sara. She was going to have to fight what they were saying when it was what she had been taught her whole life. I knew that the sooner we got out of here, and the sooner got out of her toxic environment, the sooner she could start to become her own person.

 

Sara and I were listening to music on her bed when we heard a knock on the door. I got up to answer the door, but it swung open on its own. Heather walked into the room.

 

“Sara, we've set up some extra counseling time for you. Why don't you head there?” Heather had her normal smile, but it was more strained than usual.

 

“I...um-”

 

“Trust me, Sara,” Heather cut her off. “These are the tough times. Head on over.”

 

Sara looked at me for a second, before saying, “What's happening to Tegan?”

 

“Don't worry,” Heather said. “We just need to have a little chat.”

 

I saw Heather's eye twitch a little, and Sara hesitated. I knew she didn't want to leave me alone in here. The door opened again, and Joe was standing by the door to escort her.

 

“Come on, Sara,” he said. “Let's get over there.”

 

She sighed and walked to the door. She looked back at me, and I smiled.

 

“I'll be alright,” I said, then she was out the door. I looked at Heather, and her face was calm, but agitated.

 

“I don't know where you heard that something happened on the hike-and-camp, but I assure you that your information is incorrect.”

 

I shrugged. “Whatever, Heather.”

 

“I'm not a deviant,” she said. “I haven't been for a very long time.”

 

“Yeah, tell that to Tina.” I wished that I could keep my mouth shut, but she was just such a fucking liar.

 

“Is she the one that told you this?” she asked, looking legitimately hurt.

 

“I saw you,” I said, and her face turned red. “I saw you twice. You should really be more careful-”

 

“Stop talking,” she said, stepping closer to me. It was more intimidating than I'd expected.“Don't say another word. Do you have any proof?”

 

I felt safer saying the truth. “No.”

 

“No pictures? Videos? No other witnesses?”

 

“No,” I said again.

 

“Not even Sara?” she asked, and I got defensive.

 

“Sara didn't even know before I said it in group,” I snapped. “She has nothing to do with this.”

 

Heather stared at me for a second more before taking a step back. “You don't understand, yet, Tegan. You don't understand how hard things are once you're cured. It's a constant struggle. Sometimes, you just...” Heather shook her head. “I'm not sick anymore.”

 

Who was she trying to convince?

 

“Can I go, now?” I asked, and she turned to face me.

 

“Don't say anything else,” she said, a hint of a threat in her voice. “I don't want anyone's recovery to be compromised because of lies.”

 

“Or I could tell everyone what really happened,” I said.

 

“And I could point out that you have no proof and get you kicked out of camp.”

 

“It's not the worst thing in the world,” I said.

 

“I could let Sara's parents know that she's been spending a lot of time with you, and that maybe, we don't consider her cured,” Heather replied. “Maybe they'd feel the need to take more drastic measures to fix their daughter.”

 

My eyes went wide. “You wouldn't do that.”

 

“I'd do anything to protect my life,” she said, confidently. “To protect my salvation, and the salvation of you kids.  _ Anything. _ Do you understand? Keep your mouth shut, and concentrate on helping yourself and Sara.”

 

She was so full of shit that she couldn't see how twisted her logic was. Even if there was a God, I was sure that Heather had a first-class ticket to hell. It wasn't like he wasn't able to see everything, including her fucking Tina when she thought no one was looking and threatening me when she was scared her secret would come out.

 

I wondered if this is the path that Sara was destined for. I hoped that if it was, I could do something to knock her off of it.

 

“Fine,” I said. What else could I do? I wasn't putting Sara at risk just to try to take Heather down, and she knew it.

 

She smiled fully. “Good to hear you understand. I'm glad we had this talk. Sara will be gone for most of the day, so just go along as you normally would.”

 

“Wait,” I said. “Where is Sara going to be?”

 

“She's taking major steps back, so we figured individual sessions for a day would do her good.” Heather started walking toward the door. “Just focus on yourself for the day.”

 

She walked out, and I wanted to go find Sara, but I knew there was nothing I could do. I wanted camp to end more than I ever have, but it was more for her than for myself. Without Sara, the day dragged, and all I could do was worry. What were they saying to her? What were they doing to her?

 

I felt like I was always left waiting. I hated it.

 

Sara didn't come back until right before curfew. I sat up in my bed.

 

“Hey!” I said, way too excited. I didn't care. “Are you alright?”

 

She nodded. “They...they said the same things they usually say to me. The same things that my parents have always said. We tried to focus on the things that are hindering my recovery. Went into some of my past experiences. Went into why those feelings were wrong. It was just...different today.”

 

“Different, how?” I asked.

 

“Well, every time they would start getting to me, I'd hear your voice in the back of my head, telling me that you love me.” She smiled a little. “I've never had that before.”

 

“Someone that told you they loved you?” I asked sadly.

 

“Someone who really meant it, at least. Not even myself. Especially not myself,” she said, then she sat down next to me on my bed. We made eye contact, and she immediately leaned in and kissed me. She pulled away after only a few seconds. “I need to relax after today.”

 

I smiled at her. “You don't have to make excuses to sleep with me. It's just because you want to.”

 

She nodded and kissed me again. “Then I want to. Right now.”

 

My hands were pinned above my head a second later, and her lips were latched onto my neck. She pulled back and looked at me while she unbuttoned my shirt. I couldn't help but moan. The look in Sara's eyes told me it was going to be a long night.

 

 


	17. Chapter 17

I woke up to the feeling of Sara's arms wrapped around me from behind. That was becoming a regular thing. We always ended up sleeping in one of the beds, her holding me or the other way around. We had a pretty solid routine going since the other night (the other night, where I had to make a rule that she could only make me cum so many times, because at some point, I needed to sleep), of waking up together, being friendly the whole day, Sara having alone time to pray or think or do whatever she needed to do, then her coming back into the cabin, frustrated, and needing to take it out on something...or someone.

 

I was fine with being that someone.

 

A heated conversation with Joe led to her fucking me from the second we walked into the cabin to the moment that we both fell asleep. A day where she was particularly quiet usually meant getting dragged into the shower with her. It was the only time I didn't mind that the hot water only lasted for a few minutes.

 

Sara always made sure to ask if she could hurt me, and I said yes every time. She didn't always use the right. Sometimes, she would be gentle. Her touches would be soft and her kisses light, but it was always hurried. I didn't blame her. You never felt like you could fully relax here.

 

It always brought me to thoughts of what things were going to be like once camp was over. I wanted to ask Sara if she was thinking about that at all. I wanted to ask what was going to happen to us after this was over.

 

“I can always tell when you're awake.”

 

Sara's voice startled me back into the present. Her arms pulled me closer, and I smiled.

 

“How's that?” I asked her.

 

“I don't know,” she said. “It's almost like I can hear you thinking early in the morning. It's like you're the most stressed when you wake up, and it eases away through the day.”

 

“That sounds about right,” I said. “It's not usually this bad, though.”

 

“I doubt things are usually this tense for you,” she said. “I know I haven't been able to stop thinking since I got here.”

 

I turned over to face her. We didn't usually kiss in the morning. That type of affection was usually saved for the night, when Sara was done trying to process for the day. It was hard in these moments, though, not to lean forward and press my lips to hers, especially since all of our feelings were out in the open.

 

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I moved to stretch, but my muscles weren't cooperating.

 

“I'm so sore,” I playfully whined a little. “And it's your fault.”

 

She laughed. “I warned you that you would be last night. You said you didn't care, and it wasn't like I was going to fight you. Your fault.”

 

I smiled, still keeping my eyes closed. I loved it when Sara would get flirty. It almost gave me a glimpse into what things could be like once we were out of this place.

 

And there I went again...thinking about us after camp.

 

“What are you doing today?” I asked her, and I felt her shrug.

 

“I think I'll try the chapel again. It still makes me feel better being in there sometimes.” Her hand on my face made me open my eyes. “What are your plans?”

 

“Same as every day. Sit around here, try to avoid group activities...that's about it.”

 

Her thumb ran over my cheek. “Wanna take a short walk right now? I wouldn't mind getting out a little early, and I'd like to talk.”

 

I nuzzled her hand a little bit without even thinking. “Yeah, that sounds great.”

 

She smiled, then she leaned forward and kissed me. I had to use half of my focus to get my lips to move, and half of it to keep myself from turning this into something other than the (slightly more than) simple peck it was supposed to be. I lived for these baby steps that she would take, because it just showed that things were getting better. That eventually, we'd be able to be a normal, healthy couple.

 

Voices right outside of the cabin made Sara pull out of the kiss. I wanted to throw the door open and tell off whoever had decided to walk right next to our fucking wall, but I knew that wouldn't lead anywhere good for me.

 

“We should probably get up,” she said, already sitting up. “If we leave now, we'll make it back just in time for the end of breakfast and beginning of chapel.”

 

“Yay...” I almost groaned. “Another day of camp.”

 

“Another day closer to the end of camp,” she said as she pulled herself to her feet. “To being able to be back in the real world.”

 

“Eating real food,” I said, finally sitting up. She had just started admitting to wanting to go home and be away from this place. If I called attention to it, she would clam up, so I always tried to breeze past those comments.

 

Sara shook her head, grabbing her towel and some clothes. “Do you think about anything but food and sleep?”

 

“How can you _not_ be thinking about food?” I asked her. “It's insane.”

 

She shrugged. “This isn't much less than I usually eat. Once in a great while, I'll splurge on some fries in a bar, but that's about it. My parents never let me eat much. They didn't want me to gain too much weight. I had a hard time losing it when I was younger.”

 

I ground my teeth. Sara was thin. I'd always noticed it. We were so similar in shape, but she was smaller. She looked to be pretty naturally thin, but still, she looked just shy of healthy. It didn't surprise me that her parents were the reason for it. They probably only fed her just enough to survive. They seemed to be the reason that so many fucked up things had happened to this amazing human being. I hated that she was going to have to go back to them after this, even if it was only until she could get away. I was going to do everything I could to try to make that process go faster.

 

I realized that I'd stayed quiet too long when Sara's face fell a little, so I tried to smile at her. It must have been unconvincing, because Sara looked at the ground.

 

“Hey, I'm sorry,” I said.

 

“I know that they...they may not go about it the right way, but they love me. They do things that seem like they aren't the best, but it's only because they want everything for me that they had. Their parents were like this with them. It worked for them. They know it will work for me.”

 

“Sara-”

 

“I can't hate them,” she said, looking back at me. “I can't. I have to believe that they love me, Tegan. What does it say about me if my parents can't even love me?”

 

She walked into the bathroom, and I squeezed my eyes shut. I wished that I could make her love herself. I got out of bed, and decided to just get dressed. I wanted to take a walk with her before it really got too late to go. Sara came out of the bathroom, fully clothed, as I was tying up my shoelaces.

 

We walked out of the room, but we didn't talk for a few minutes. I felt badly for making her so upset. I just couldn't believe her parents. I needed her to know that just because those shitty people that raised her didn't love her like she deserved, it didn't mean that she was worthless. It was _their_ problem that they couldn't find it in themselves to care about their own daughter.

 

She spoke up be fore I had the chance. “Have you always liked girls?”

 

I looked at her out of the corner of my eye as we walked. “I don't know. I couldn't really pinpoint a moment. I guess that's why people always say since they can remember. Is that how you-”

 

“When did you first kiss a girl?” she asked me right after.

 

“Is this what you wanted to talk about?” I asked her, and she just shrugged without looking at me. “Alright...it was actually at a summer camp like this one. I was sixteen. She was seventeen. She kissed me on a dare, but we both liked it, and we would meet up and make out late at night when everyone was asleep.” I slowed down a little. “That probably sounds so dumb to you.”

 

She shook her head. “No. Why would it?”

 

“You've just...you'd already done more with girls than I've done now when you were sixteen. I sound like a loser.”

 

“You sound...normal,” she said, almost surprised by her own words. “What was it like?”

 

I didn't know why she was so fascinated, but I didn't mind talking about it, so I indulged her.

 

“It was...sloppy the first time. I hadn't been expecting it, and she hadn't been going in for a real one, but it was good. I'd kissed boys, but I found it a little...boring. This was...I mean, technically, it wasn't even good, but it made me feel so much more than I ever had...and she was a lot better when she was actually trying later on.”

 

Sara nodded. “And then you knew you were gay?”

 

“Yes and no,” I said.

 

“What does that mean?” she asked.

 

“Well...I think on some level, I'd always known. This brought it pretty near the surface, but it didn't really get solidified until I tried kissing a boy again. I knew I couldn't go back to nothing now that I'd felt something.”

 

This was actually sort of nice for me. No one ever really wanted to talk about this kind of stuff. They supported you, and they didn't judge you, but things always got awkward when all the girls were drooling over some young movie guy, and you were drooling over his girlfriend. No one really wanted to know the details the way they did with their other friends. Sara was the first person that really did.

 

Sara got quiet for a second, before saying. “Yeah...I know that feeling.”

 

I took her hand. “I'm sure you do.”

 

She blinked a few times, then shook her hand away. She started speaking before I could question the action. “I'm sorry. It's not that, it's just that I don't want anyone to see us.”

 

“Yeah, you're totally right,” I replied, and she was. My feelings and total lack of respect for this place or anyone in it made me reckless sometimes.

 

“How...” She hesitated. I could tell that she was working herself up. “What was sex with Lindsey like? How did it make you feel?”

 

I blushed a little. It felt ridiculous to be embarrassed, but I could feel my cheeks turning red. I debated trying to joke the question off or change the subject, but I could feel Sara's need for an answer. It was strange, though, thinking about it. It felt like a lifetime ago, and it had only been a couple of months.

 

“It was a good experience. It was her first time with a girl. It was my first time ever. It made me feel...happy. Content. It was awesome, finally getting touched by someone else. I thought I was in love...maybe I was. I really don't know.”

 

I saw Sara's jaw clench and release. “But you've said it was better with me?”

 

“Yeah,” I said.

 

“What makes it better?” she asked me.

 

“Well, for starters, I know I love you,” I answered. “Plus, it's just...everything about it is better.”

 

“Everything?” she asked me, sounding like she didn't believe it.

 

“Yes,” I said. “Why are you asking all this?”

 

She stuttered a few times before saying, “I'm trying to understand.”

 

“Understand what?”

 

“Understand you,” she said. “And myself. I want to know why we're this way...why I'm this way. I just wanted to know how you knew and what you were feeling when you were realized you were...gay. I've never thought about it all this way. I don't know what it's like to get kissed and not feel guilty about it, never mind anything else I've ever done. You're the closest I've ever come to being able to be relaxed around someone. I just want to know how you've figured all this stuff out.”

 

“Okay,” I said, and she spoke again before I could say anything else.

 

“And I want to know why you want me like you do. Try to understand it a little better. I don't feel like I have much to offer you.”

 

Of course she felt that way. No one in her life had ever told her that she had anything to offer.

 

“There are a lot of little things I like about you, but mostly, I feel like I've gotten a lot out of knowing you. I'm glad that I have you. I'm in love with you. I think that's all there is to it when it comes to me wanting you. As far as me being okay with being gay...” I shrugged. “I don't think I have some big secret. I think I've just had it a lot easier than you have.”

 

“Tegan, you know how to be yourself-”

 

“I've never had to deal with your life. If I had, I probably would have turned out the same way you have. Really, I probably wouldn't be half as strong as you've been about it. It's not like I have everything figured out. I'm sorry that I can't be more helpful.”

 

She shook her head. “It's...it's fine. I think it might have helped a little.”

 

We walked along quietly for a while. Sara was in her head, probably turning our conversation over in her head a few thousand times. I wished this could be easier for her...I felt like I'd wished that a thousand times.

 

The rest of the day went by relatively quickly, since we had Arts and Crafts instead of group. Lunch came, and Sara barely looked at me while she ate.

 

“Are you okay?” I asked her halfway through my sandwich.

 

She nodded. “Yeah. Just thinking things over. Sorry.”

 

“It's fine,” I said with a smile. “Just making sure you're alright.”

 

“Thank you,” she said, finishing off her own food. “I think I'm going to pray for a while.”

 

“In the chapel?” I asked, and she shook her head. “Where?”

 

“I know a few places in the forest,” she said. I felt myself get nervous, but I tried to shake it off.

 

“Okay,” I mumbled, and she looked at me more closely.

 

“Are you mad?”

 

“No,” I said right away. “I'm fine.”

 

“Okay,” she said, looking suspicious as she stood from the table. “I'll be back before curfew.”

 

“Good,” I said before I could think better of it.

 

She sat back down and leaned closer to me. “Is that why you're upset? Because you won't know where I am? Because you don't think I'll come back?”

 

“I trust you,” I said.

 

“Don't lie,” she replied, and I sighed.

 

“I can trust you,” I said. “Once we're out of here, and we're a little bit farther away from you running away from me...sorry if I hurt your feelings.”

 

“Don't worry,” she said. “I get it, and I promise to be back.”

 

She looked at me, eyes flicking between my eyes and lips. I knew she wanted to kiss me, and strangely, that eased my mind a little.

 

“Okay,” I said. “Good luck.”

 

She smiled and stood back up. “Thanks,” she said, then she walked away. I finished my own food and walked back to the cabin. I was getting used to waiting for Sara to come back. It just gave me more time to lay on my bed, listen to music, and think about what life was going to be like after this place.

 

I realized that with so much of my focus going to Sara and her life, I hadn't really considered how my life was going to be different after all of this. My relationship with my parents was going to be...I had no idea how it was going to be. I felt like I hated them, but I knew I still loved them. I was mostly going to college for them, because I hated school. Would I still go, now? Would I do something so significant for them when they couldn't even love me for me?

 

I figured that I would decide a lot of that stuff in the moment. I didn't obsess over these things the way that Sara did.

 

As the day wore on, I found myself thinking of when Sara would come back. The worry that she wouldn't was still vaguely there, but much farther in the forefront was my body preparing itself to take whatever Sara was giving. I hated to see her in so much pain at the end of her days, but I loved what those feelings led her to do to me.

 

Sara walked into the room, and I could immediately see that her eyes were puffy from crying. It wasn't unusual, but she didn't seem to be angry like she usually was. I snatched my headphones out and sat up on my bed.

 

“Hey,” I said. I looked more closely at her, and I realized there were still a few tears escaping her eyes. “You alright?”

 

She nodded. “Really good, actually. I just...things feel like they're getting easier. They're getting better. It's the first time it's really felt like that.”

 

“That's great!” I said, standing up and hugging her. Her face was in my neck, and all I wanted was for her to sink her teeth into it. This wasn't about that, though. This was about her accepting herself. I let her go. “So you had a good pray?”

 

“I had a good think,” she said. “I don't...I'm not even sure it's praying anymore.”

 

“Oh,” I said, a little surprised, but I didn't draw attention to it. “Well, I'm glad.”

 

“Me, too,” she said with a smile. “And exhausted. Crying really takes it out of me.”

 

“Sorry,” I said, but she waved it off.

 

“It was good,” she said. “I'm just taking a shower, then heading to bed. We can talk about your day for a while, if you want.”

 

I shrugged. “I don't really have anything to say. I sat around. That's about it.”

 

She giggled, then got her stuff together and went into the bathroom. I heard the water turn on, and I fought to push away the feelings of disappointment going through me. She was happy. She was getting better. I should be happy about that, but all I could think about in that moment was my libido. Sara wasn't in need of a body to take out her frustrations on, and I didn't want her to feel forced, so that left me to myself.

 

I laid on the bed, knowing about how much time I had before Sara would come back into the room. My hands pulled off my pants and underwear, and I immediately started flicking my own clit. My eyes snapped shut, and my other hand went to firmly pinch one of my nipples. I thought of Sara. I thought of her teeth on my chest. I thought of her hands inside of me. I thought of her clit against mine. I groaned and shook. I was going to cum soon.

 

“Put a finger inside,” Sara said, making my eyes snap open. She was standing by the bathroom, fully clothed, the shower still running.

 

“Sara? What-”

 

“Just do it, Tegan,” she said like a command. I felt my clit jump under my finger. “Keep pinching your nipple, and put one finger inside of yourself.”

 

I didn't question her again. I was too far gone to fight it. I slipped my finger down and pushed inside myself, and I immediately wanted to put in more. I kept my eyes on Sara across the room, and she kept hers between my legs. I tried to speed up, but she shook her head, and I kept my pace with a whine. A few minutes that felt like forever had passed, and I already felt crazy. She'd made me pull back from the edge to tease myself, and I was shaking from the feeling of it.

 

“Please,” I found myself saying. “Please let me do something.”

 

She smiled a little bit, not changing her focus at all. “Slip in another finger.”

 

I sighed, slightly relieved as I felt a little fuller. She still wouldn't let me speed up. I briefly thought of just fucking myself faster, anyway, but Sara's eyes made me want to obey. She held up a three fingers, and I added another into myself. Looking at her like this, as she studied me from afar, she looked so beautiful. The sharp angles of her face and the softness of her lips seemed so exaggerated in this moment, and I felt myself getting close again.

 

“Pull one finger out,” she said, and I almost started crying.

 

“No, Sara, please-”

 

She walked toward the bed and put her hand on my thigh. My hand was still moving, and her eyes were still watching it. Her fingers slowly moved to the back of my hand, and I stopped moving.

 

“Keep going,” she rasped out. She moved her hand, and I felt one of her fingers sitting at my entrance. “Take one finger out.”

 

I finally obeyed, and I felt her finger replace mine. I shuddered. We were both inside of me. Sara's eyes were locked with mine, now. She controlled the pace of our hands, moving us faster in and out of me than she'd permitted me to go before. How had she even thought to do this? This was just another moment where the only solid thought I had was _Sara is fucking incredible._

 

She leaned down to whisper in my ear. “Slip out another.”

 

I did as I was told without hesitation this time, and another of her fingers quickly went in. Her mouth went to my neck, and the hand I didn't have in myself went to tangling itself in her hair. She finally just crawled fully on top of me. I pulled her up to kiss me. The second our lips touched, I was sucking her tongue into my mouth. She pulled away with a moan.

 

“Pull out,” she said, her voice short.

 

I nodded, and did what she said. She was pounding into me now, and she had moved on to biting my chest where no one would be able to see (I could tell that my shirt being on was driving her crazy in a bad way, but we were both too far gone to be able to manage getting it off), so I knew she was leaving marks. She pulled away, looking at me, and I knew that I had to touch her. I moved my hands quickly, slipping into her pants and underwear. I went into her with a finger, and she froze. Her breathing was ragged, and for a second, I got worried that I'd done something wrong. She spoke up.

 

“Tegan,” she said, eyes now closed.

 

“Yeah?” I asked timidly.

 

“Is that the hand that you had in yourself?”

 

I hadn't even thought about it. “Yes. I'm sorry.”

 

“Put more in,” she said in a hurry, her hand starting to move again. “Put in all the fingers you had in yourself. Use your other hand to touch your clit.”

 

I nodded and quickly did everything she told me to. My head was swimming. Sara was already so close to cumming. I moved the hand in her just as fast as her hand moved inside of me. I started shouting, trying to muffle it in Sara's shoulder. Sara was starting to lose her rhythm, but it didn't matter. I was going to cum. I was going to feel her for at least a day or two after this, too.

 

“Sara!” I shouted as I felt myself falling over the edge. I curled my fingers and pulled her over with me.

 

“Te...Tegan, fuck-” barely came out of her mouth as she kept pushing against my hand. She was dragging it out for both of us. My orgasms with Sara were always so long, especially when she was cumming with me. I wondered if it felt like that for her, too.

 

Part of me knew they did.

 

We both finally caught our breaths, and Sara rolled onto the bed next to me. We rolled onto our sides to face each other. Her arms wrapped around my waist, and she gave me a long kiss.

 

“You have no idea what seeing you like that did to me,” she said when she finally pulled away. “I love it when you touch yourself.”

 

I nodded. “Noted. Why were you out here?”

 

“I forgot to grab my sleep clothes,” she said. “I walked in, and you were already started. I can't believe you fucked me with the same hand you did yourself. How are you so sexy? You're always finding new ways to be inside of me.”

 

“I...I don't know...” It was overwhelming hearing her talk about me this way. She was so good with her words. She was so flattering. “Thank you, though.”

 

“May I ask why you didn't just ask me to take care of you?” she asked me, and I blushed a little.

 

“I just thought that...since you didn't have a bad day...I thought maybe you didn't need it.” I felt embarrassed. It sounded stupid saying it out loud to her.

 

“Tegan, you told me that I didn't have to have an excuse to sleep with you. The same goes for you. You can tell me if you want it.”

 

I smiled. “Okay. Thank you...again.”

 

She got out of the bed. “Now, I really have to take a shower. I'm glad I hadn't turned the water hot yet.”

 

“Lucky,” I mumbled. I was still hazy from earlier.

 

“Will you be alright, now, or do you need more attention?”

 

I laughed, “Well, if you're offering-”

 

“Go to sleep,” she said, then she kissed me on the cheek. “I love you.”

 

I felt myself beaming even as my eyes started to close. “I love you, too.”

 

She gave me one last quick kiss, then walked to the bathroom again. I fell asleep almost instantly. I only woke up when I felt Sara sliding into the bed behind me a few hours later. I heard her whisper her love one more time, but I was too tired to reply.

 

 


	18. Chapter 18

“Your cousin's wedding was postponed, so you don't have to worry about missing that.”

 

“Uh huh.”

 

“And your father and I took off the entire weekend that your camp ends. We can talk about everything, and eat together...be a family again.”

 

“Sure.”

 

My mom sighed on the other side of the phone. She'd been calling more and more. All of the parents were. Camp was getting close to ending, and the counselors were giving them our near-final status updates. Parents were either calling to praise, worry, or threaten. Mine were mostly falling in the “worry” category.

 

“Your counselors say they feel like you're on the edge of a breakthrough. I understand why you're angry, but you have to understand that we're doing this because we love you.”

 

“Okay, Mom,” I said. “I understand that shipping me off to a camp that you didn't even research at all instead of just hearing me out was an act of love.”

 

“Tegan, don't be like that. We just want you to be happy. You can't be happy like this.”

 

Hearing the company line was harder when it was coming from my mom. It was even worse when it was my dad, but he'd stopped calling when our conversations quickly devolved into screaming fights.

 

“Is that all, Mom?” I couldn't help but feel badly for being so short with. her, but I couldn't control my mouth when I was this irritated with her.

 

“Yes,” she said. She quickly added. “For now. I'll call back tomorrow, and we can talk some more about plans for when you're out of there.”

 

“Fine. Talk to you later.”

 

The phone was quiet for a second before she spoke again. “Okay, Tegan. I love you.”

 

“I-” I'd started to respond, not realizing that she wasn't done talking.

 

“God loves you. Just be the angel that he made you to be.”

 

I held back a groan of frustration. “Goodbye, Mom.”

 

I hung up the phone and walked back to the cabin. I hated it. Her voice always sounded so concerned and sincere...I knew that she really was just trying to help. I knew both my parents were trying to protect me, but that didn't make how they were acting okay.

 

Sara wasn't in the cabin when I got back, so I laid down and stared at the ceiling. I wasn't surprised she wasn't back; her parents had been calling, too, and their conversations tended to last a lot longer. Sara didn't seem to be handling them very well. I hadn't asked about them much, because she never seemed to want to talk about them, but I could tell they were taking a toll on her. She was still smiling, still talking to me, still seeming to become more and more confident in who she really was, but I could almost feel how her parents were influencing her.

 

Sara came back almost half an hour later, and she immediately walked into the bathroom without a word. I almost called after her, but I heard the shower turn on. I took a deep breath and readied myself to deal with whatever version of Sara was going to walk out of that bathroom.

 

She walked out a little later, towel wrapped around her body, and a smile on her face.

 

“Hey,” she said, walking over to her things and getting some clothes. “Sorry that took so long.”

 

“No worries,” I said, sitting up. She dropped her towel facing away from me, and I almost forgot how to breathe, but I quickly regained my senses as she started to get dressed. “Are you alright?”

 

“Yeah,” she said. “Family is tough, you know?”

 

“Yeah, I do,” I said.

 

“I don't know how to talk to them. Hiding sleeping with girls is one thing, but lying about still trying to change...?” She left her thought unfinished.

 

“I know it's tough, but sometimes, it's for the best,” I said. “And maybe one day they'll-”

 

“They won't,” she said sharply, then she softened her tone. “They can't understand this. I don't even understand this.”

 

“Sorry,” I said. “I didn't mean to upset you.”

 

She put on the last of her clothes and turned to face me. “It's fine. Just talking about everything after camp is stressful.”

 

“Yeah, my mom keeps saying 'We need to talk about how to fix everything between all of us from here' like things are going to back to normal.” I saw Sara nod, and it felt like she wanted to talk. “What are your parents saying? Are they both talking to you?”

 

She nodded again. “They just aren't very happy with the reports they've been getting for a while. They're...talking about maybe sending me somewhere else later.”

 

“What?” I said, getting to my feet. “What does that mean? Another camp?”

 

“I don't know,” she said. “They may just try to deal with it themselves.”

 

“I'm sorry,” I said. “But just remember that none of that matters. You're an adult, now. You can just leave.”

 

There was a split second that I was sure her face dropped, but the smile that quickly followed had me half-convinced I'd imagined it. I knew it was there, though. I knew that something was wrong.

 

Before I could ask her what was bothering her, she put her hands on my cheeks and kissed me...hard. Her teeth bit at my lips, and her tongue pushed into my mouth. I almost fell over from the force of it, but I wrapped my arms around her waist to stabilize myself. I pulled back when I couldn't breathe anymore, but she was still trying to pull my face to hers.

 

“Wait, wait, wait,” I said, laughing a little. “Where is this coming from?”

 

“What, I can't just kiss you?” she asked with a raised eyebrow.

 

She kissed me again, and I let her for a while. She started trying to pull off my top, and I took a step away from her. Something about the look she'd given me wouldn't leave me alone.

 

“Okay, what did I say?” I asked. “I didn't mean to upset you.”

 

“Why do you think I'm upset?” she asked, starting to get defensive. Her arms were crossed in front of her chest, but she wasn't making eye contact. “I was just trying to touch you.”

 

“I can tell that's not all you're doing.”

 

“Okay, I'm having a rough time. It's always like this.”

 

“Yeah, but things seemed to be getting better,” I replied. “You seemed happier.”

 

“This week has been particularly hard,” she said. She looked like she was cornering herself, gearing up for a fight.

 

I tried to tread lightly “Sara, your parents are bothering you, and I get that-”

 

“No you don't!” She finally locked her eyes with mine and stepped closer to me. “You don't know, or you wouldn't think that this was so easy!”

 

I blinked a few times, and she visibly deflated.

 

“Sara...” I tried to find words, but I wasn't even sure where she was coming from. “I'm sorry.”

 

“No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have snapped at you like that.” She sat down on her bed, and I sat next to her.

 

“You're obviously bothered,” I said. I slid some of her hair behind her ear. “Just tell me what's going through your head.”

 

Sara opened and closed her mouth a few times before she started crying.

 

“I-I'm sorry,” she said. “I'm sorry about everything. Tegan, I love you so much. I _want_ you so much. I just...I don't know how this can work once camp is over.”

 

I felt like someone had poured cold water over my head.

 

“What...what do you mean?” I asked, and she didn't say anything. “What does that mean, Sara?”

 

“I want to believe...I really want to believe that things can only get better from here. I want to be able to tell you that I'll just go on with this new life...with these new things I see in myself, but I can't promise that. I can't promise that I won't drop right back into who I was before the second I get around my parents again.”

 

“You aren't the same person,” I said. “You've changed so much.”

 

“Because they weren't here,” she said. “Obeying them...it's all I know. Even hearing them over the phone is making me doubt all of the things you've said and all of the things I feel. I don't know how to be strong when it comes to them...especially my dad.”

 

“But I know you can be strong, Sara,” I said. “You've been strong even with Joe and them trying to make you weak. You've managed to be such an incredible person even with their shitty excuse for parenting. You're better than they are.”

 

She shook her head. “I know you think that, but I know you're wrong. Besides, we don't live in the same town. My parents barely let me use the phone. I really want this to work, but I don't see how it can. I just...I want to enjoy you while I can. That's why I try to touch you whenever I can. I want to have you as much as possible...before I have to say goodbye.”

 

“That...that's bullshit, Sara!” I could feel my own tears rushing to my eyes, but I held them back. I was furious. How could she be doing this to me after everything? “You're just giving up? You're not even going to try?”

 

“I have been trying!” she snapped. “I've been running it over and over again in my head, but I can't just change everything about myself. I can't just ignore everything I've ever been taught my entire life. I...Tegan, I don't want to have you hold onto hope that isn't there. I don't want to hurt you anymore. I know I'm hurting you now, but at least this will be the last time. I'd like to at least be able to be with you for the rest of camp, but I understand if you don't want to.”

 

I let my tears start to fall. This couldn't be it. This couldn't be it after everything. I fought so hard for this. For her. I couldn't lose her right when I thought we were finally going to get a chance.

 

“Please,” I said, grabbing her hands. “Please don't do this. We can make it work, Sara. I don't know how I know that, but I do. If you can't be strong, I will be for you. If you can't call me, then we'll write, or I'll...I don't know, but I would find a way to talk to you. I'll get you away from your parents, and I'll support you somehow until you figure out what you want to do-”

 

“Tegan, you're not thinking about this clearly.” She tried to let my hands go, but I just gripped them tighter.

 

“Please, Sara. I'll do anything. Just give this a chance.”

 

I looked into her eyes, and I could see her wanting to give in. I always saw that in her eyes. She wanted to listen to me every time something I said went against what she'd been taught was right. Usually, this was the point that she would break, and she would push away all of the crap in her head. This time, though, she shook her head.

 

“This is best. You don't see it, now, but this is best.”

 

For a flash, I genuinely thought that I hated her in that moment. Then I realized it was just that I hated that I was losing her, because I loved her so fucking much.

 

“Fuck you,” I spat, then I stormed out of the cabin, ignoring as she called after me. I was so fucking done. I was done with her. It didn't matter that walking away was breaking my heart. It didn't matter that despite the fact that she was obviously a selfish, fickle bitch, I still wanted to fight for her. It didn't matter that I felt bad for even thinking she was a selfish, fickle bitch. I was ignoring all of that and giving up. If she was convinced that she couldn't do this, then it wasn't going to happen, no matter how hard I tried.

 

I stormed around all of the paths I usually walked, getting angry at the realization that Sara had shown them all to me. I felt like I thought about her all the time. Meeting her felt like finally finding the missing piece of myself that I'd always felt nagging at the back of my mind. I cringed as that cliché flew through my mind, but it was completely true. It didn't matter, though. She didn't even want to try. She wanted to run instead; she always wanted to run, and I couldn't take it anymore.

 

When I was far enough away that I was sure no one would hear me, I screamed at the top of my lungs. I screamed until I ran out of breath, and then I just took in another breath and screamed some more. At some point, I ended up on my knees, and I was sure that the veins in my neck were popping out, and my head was starting to hurt, but I didn't care. I screamed until I didn't have much of a voice left. I really didn't have anything else to do.

 

The silence that followed was eerie, but strangely calming. I took deep breaths and tried to convince myself that this wasn't my life ending...that I was just being a dramatic teenager about a summer fling. I fell in love at the drop of a hat. I'd thought that I was in love with Lindsey when this all started. The pain from Sara would fade the way the pain from Lindsey did.

 

I knew it was a lie, though. Deep down, I knew that Sara was different. I wasn't sure I really believed in soul mates, but I knew that Sara and I were something special. I stopped my thoughts. They weren't helping me get over...well, this wasn't a break-up, because we'd never been together, and Sara was still asking to keep this thing going until we left for home (I still wasn't sure where I stood on that...my mind said no, but my heart was saying keep going). It still felt like one.

 

I wiped my tears away and got up off of the ground. I started walking back to camp, trying to think of what I was going to say to Sara. I didn't even know if there was anything else to say. I was still in shock about it all. I decided I couldn't go back to the cabin yet. I walked around, trying to find places that the counselors wouldn't find me.

 

I went to walk past the chapel, but I noticed that the door was slightly ajar. I never went in there unless we had to, but I started walking toward the door without a reason. I peeked inside, and I almost wasn't surprised to see Sara sitting at one of the pews facing away from the door toward the front of the room. I immediately started to turn to walk away, but I could see from where I stood that she was sobbing. Her shoulders were shaking, and a hiccup or two had escaped.

 

I wanted to be done. I wanted to walk away, but I couldn't. I slowly walked into the room and approached without disturbing her. I walked in front of her. Her head was down slightly, and her eyes were closed, but I could see that her eyelids were swollen from crying...crying even more than she had in front of me. Her hands were crossed over her stomach, like she felt sick.

 

She looked as broken as I felt. I could feel her fear and her panic coming off of her in waves. She looked like she was trying to stop herself from having a panic attack. I put my hand on her chin, and her eyes slowly opened. I felt myself starting to cry as I looked at her. I knew right then that I could never be done. Even if we couldn't be together...even if we really couldn't find a way to make it work, I would make sure that she would be able to live a happy life. I would get her away from her parents. I needed her to be happy. For now, I was going to enjoy what time I knew we would have for sure.

 

Sara's crying had died down some, but she was still trembling. I wiped a tear away with my thumb, and she pulled me closer to her by one of the loops on my pants. Without a word, I crawled onto her lap. Her hand went to the back of my neck and pulled me into a kiss. She wanted me, she could have me. It probably wasn't healthy how much I was willing to give Sara of myself, but I couldn't help it. I had to make her happy. I had to save her. I loved her too much to do anything else.

 

Sara's hand slipped into my pants and started rubbing circles on my clit. I could feel her tears hitting my lips as I kissed hers. My thighs were already trembling. I felt desperate. I didn't want to lose her. I couldn't believe it, but I didn't want camp to end, because I wasn't ready for her to go her way, and for me to go mine.

 

Sara's kisses were deep and hungry, and I tried my best to keep up. Her hand was switching back and forth between my clit and being inside of me. She slipped inside of me on one pass, and I squeezed down to let her know not to leave. Her fingers were curling inside of me, and I started rolling my hips in her lap. When that wasn't enough, I started moving up and down, trying to get her to pound into me.

 

I wanted to feel her...I wanted the feeling to last for as long as she could make it last, because I didn't know how many more times I would get to be with her.

 

I was bouncing in her lap, attempting to kiss her back, but I was mostly just breathing against her mouth as she tugged my lips between her teeth and sucked them. She was stroking deep and long, her palm grinding into my clit. I wished I could touch her. I just wanted to spend every second for the rest of camp getting to touch her.

 

I was cumming way too soon. My strangled moans were the only sounds in the otherwise empty chapel. I threw my head back, and Sara buried her face in my chest. Her arm was wrapped around my back, clinging to me and breathing me in. She went to pull out of me as I stopped shaking, but I grabbed her wrist. I stayed there and caught my breath as she cried into my chest.

 

“I'm not leaving,” I finally said to her, voice uneven as I tried to regain my senses and stay strong for her. “I'm...I'm here for you. If this is all the time we have, then I'll make it the best that I can.”

 

She pulled her face out of my chest and kissed me again, a lot softer this time. I finally let her pull out of me, and we both slowly made our way back to our cabin.

 

For the next few days, we spent every moment we could together...usually having sex. Every time lasted longer than the time before. It was getting harder to pull apart from each other. Sara had marked me in so many different places along my body.

 

“I wished I could make them last forever,” she said to me one day while we laid in bed together after a particularly rough round.

 

“What?” I asked.

 

“The marks,” she said, tracing one on my chest with her finger. “I wish they wouldn't leave, so we wouldn't forget each other.”

 

“I'm not going to forget you, Sara,” I said, kissing her on the forehead.

 

She got out of the bed and threw some clothes on. “I won't forget you, either. Even if my parents try to make me, and even if I act like I do.”

 

I sighed and threw on my own set of clothes without getting out of the bed. Sara went to the bathroom, and I wrapped my blankets around myself. I ignored her words. I needed to believe that things were going to get easier even if she didn't believe it at all.

 

I started to drift off to sleep when the door to my cabin banged open. A few counselors I didn't recognize stormed into my room.

 

“Up! Now! Get outside in the next 30 seconds!” I scrambled out of my bed, trying to get my heartbeat to slow down.

 

“What the fuck is going on?” I asked, panic in my voice. Did they know about us? “What did we do?”

 

“Stop asking questions, and get out.”

 

Sara came out of the bathroom, wide-eyed in surprise. She followed me out the door without question.

 

“Please, what's happening?” I asked.

 

“Hurry up,” the counselor said, the usual smile missing from his face. I was terrified. They weren't telling us anything, no matter how many times I asked on the walk to the main gathering area. When we got there, I saw everyone else standing in a circle, and I felt completely confused.

 

“Hey,” I heard a voice come up from behind me. It was Jeremy. He looked completely out of it. I could only figure that he'd been completely passed out. “Any idea why we're here?”

 

I shook my head and looked over at Sara. She had her inhaler in her mouth and was taking big puffs. I was glad she'd thought to bring it on the way out. I rubbed her back for just a second before pulling away.

 

“They just stormed into my room,” I said. “They won't tell me anything.”

 

“Same,” he answered. “What do you think-”

 

“Campers,” Joe said, going to the middle of the circle of us. “We have some unfortunate news. Two boys, Johnny and Mike, slipped up.”

 

Two of the boys (one blonde, one redhead, both about 16 at best) were thrown to the ground into the middle of the circle. The blonde, who I was pretty sure was Mike, was wearing a backwards t-shirt and a pair of shorts. Johnny was only in his boxers.

 

“Please,” Mike said, standing up. “I'm sorry. He...he didn't do anything. This was my fault.”

 

“Mike, don't-”

 

“Shut up!” Joe screamed in that same scary way that Heather had when I'd almost outed her. “These two were caught sinning during nightly inspections.” He turned back to them,. “We were so close to the end, boys. Why would you let evil take you over like this.”

 

“I made a mistake,” Mike started rambling again. “I forced him. I made him touch me. He didn't want to do it. He just wanted to get better.”

 

“Is that what happened, Johnny?” Joe asked, grabbing a fistful of Johnny's hair. I was frozen. This place never made you feel safe, but they'd never been like this. “Did he make you do this? Be honest. God is watching you, and you've already angered him a great deal.”

 

Mike had tried to defend Johnny, but other counselors had grabbed him. Johnny winced a few times and looked at Mike before mumbling, “No.”

 

Joe shook his head. “If you commit such a heinous sin, then you have to deal with the consequences.” Joe faced the rest of us. “You are so close. You're all about to be free. Don't be weak like these two. Don't let Satan convince you to commit disgusting, unnatural acts.” He turned back to the boys before saying, “Take them for elevated therapy for punishment. Hopefully, we can save them before the end of camp.”

 

Both of them were dragged off fighting. The rest of us were escorted back to our cabins without another word. Sara and I didn't need to speak to know that we wouldn't be sharing a bed for the night.

 

When the boys came back to camp a few days later, they were both twitchy and couldn't look anyone in the eye. Mike refused to be anywhere near Johnny...and Johnny's left eye was swollen shut. The entire left side of his face was black and blue. Neither of them would say a word about what had happened.

 

Sara and I observed them actively avoiding looking anywhere near each other as we attempted to force our food down.

 

“I can't do this,” she said, pushing her food away. “This is...that could have been us.”

 

“I know.”

 

“We can't sleep together anymore,” she said, her voice shaking. “I know that...it means we don't have any more times together. I hate it, but we can't.”

 

I nodded. “Yeah. I know.”

 

She was quiet for a minute before she subtly grabbed my hand under the bench. I looked over at her, but she kept her head facing the table.

 

“I couldn't let that happen to you,” she said softly. She gave my had one last squeeze, then pulled her food back to her and went back to eating.

 

We ate the rest of our lunch in silence, staring at Johnny and Mike.

 

 


	19. Chapter 19

“I'm ten seconds from having a nervous breakdown. How is camp not over yet?”

 

Jeremy was pushing his lunch around with his fork. We were eating together, since Sara was at her last one-on-one session. He was absolutely shaken, and I wasn't much better. Everyone was on edge since the incident with the boys.

 

“How is Mike?” I asked Jeremy. Mike had moved into Jeremy's room once he and Johnny had got out of “elevated therapy.”

 

Jeremy shook his head. “Not good. He doesn't do anything but lay in bed and stare at the wall.”

 

“Has he said what happened at all?”

 

“Not a word. The most I've heard is him crying in his sleep. It's driving me crazy. I lied through my teeth at my last session.” He looked a little remorseful and followed with, “Said I hadn't thought of any guys in weeks and that I'd been having feelings for you.”

 

“Yeah, that's my plan in reverse,” I said. “No worries.”

 

“Thanks,” he said. “Sara have a plan for herself?”

 

“I hope so,” I said, warily. We hadn't talked about what had happened. Any time the conversation seemed to be heading towards anything serious, Sara would try to lighten the mood. I knew she couldn't handle what had happened, and really, I wasn't sure I was handling it all that well. I'd always heard stories, but it was different when you knew it could happen to you...or someone you cared about.

 

“I know you're worried,” he said, like he was reading my mind. “I'm terrified for my boyfriend. It sounds like his place wouldn't do anything like this, but I didn't think that things would go that far here.”

 

“I'm sorry,” I said, and he shook his head.

 

“Just mean I know how you feel.” He pushed his food away. “I just can't wait to get out of here. I've never been happier to be off to college.”

 

“God, I don't know what the fuck I'm gonna do after this,” I said.

 

“With your life, or with Sara not wanting anything to do with you.” I glared at him, and he mumbled, “Sorry.”

 

“With both,” I answered. “I don't know what I want to do with myself. I don't want to go to school, but if I don't, what will I do? Sit around, doing nothing? I wanna do music, but what the fuck does that mean, and where do I start? And Sara...I can't let her go. If she doesn't want to be with me, I can respect that, but I can't let her just go back home to her parents. They aren't...” I trailed off, unsure how much I should share with him. “I can't just let her go back to them without making sure she eventually gets away from them. They aren't good people.”

 

“Duh. One, they sent her here. Two, it doesn't take a genius to tell from her stories in group that her parents are fucked in some way.”

 

“It is pretty obvious. So, you see why I can't just let her go back to that.”

 

“Do you have a plan?”

 

“No. I'm trying to do it in a way that doesn't just make her pull away more.”

 

“High strung, that one.”

 

I smiled. “Yeah.”

 

Jeremy rolled his eyes, but he smiled, too. “Well, as sickening as that was, and as much as I absolutely hate this place, I'm glad I met you, Tegan. I'm sorry that you fell for the most damaged girl in the world, and I'm sorry she's so damaged. If it's any consolation, you can have my digits.”

 

I smiled. “That was at least 50% insult, but I'll take it as a compliment anyway.” I finished my food and stood up. “I'm taking off. Sara's probably back by now.”

 

“Fine, fine. I'll see you,” he said. “Be careful.”

 

I saw the genuine worry in his face that I would do something to get caught and hurt. Seeing Mike every day was clearly taking its toll.

 

“I will be,” I replied, then I walked back to my cabin.

 

Sara was lying in her bed when I walked in. She sat up with a smile. I wanted to sit next to her, but I went for my own bed instead. They'd been doing random checks a lot more frequently.

 

“Hey,” I said. “How'd it go?”

 

“Fine,” she said. “I just told them that I didn't feel that way for girls anymore. That you taught me the line between friendship and romantic feelings. I tried to say you were helpful as much as I could without it being counter-productive. I know that they talk to each other about us even though they aren't supposed to.”

 

“Not surprised. I'm glad it's over, though.”

 

“Me, too.” She looked at me with worry. “I'd feel better if yours was over, too.”

 

“I'll be alright.”

 

“I know you will.” Her tone didn't agree with her words, but she kept talking. “Off topic, but I grabbed a deck of cards from my counselor's desk. You wanna play?”

 

“You know rummy?”

 

She laughed and shook her head in a way that told me I was in deep shit...and I _really_ hated that we couldn't have sex.

 

Several hours later, and I understood why Sara had been so cocky. I'd thought I was pretty decent at cards. Sara made me feel like I'd never played before.

 

“What the fuck? -100 points for me and...” I counted up her cards from where she sat across from me on the floor. “450? How is that...like, did you have a gambling problem at 12?”

 

“Almost,” she said. I felt my eyes go wide, and she started laughing. “Calm down, I'm kidding. I picked it up at some of the bars I used to go to. I played for money a few times, but that's it.”

 

“And you didn't think it was important to mention that?”

 

“It's not like I pretended I wasn't good,” she said. “You should feel lucky. We weren't playing for cash...or clothes.”

 

I felt my heart beat pick up and my breathing get faster. “Have you ever done that before?”

 

“No,” she said, and I immediately wanted to do that with her. I wanted her to show me everything she'd ever done, and I wanted every new experience she had to be with me. “Although, I don't know that it would have the same effect, since we've seen each other naked plenty...and I'd obviously win.”

 

“We could put a penalty on you, make it a little harder,” I said, leaning a little closer. “Besides, are you really complaining about an easy way to get me naked?”

 

Sara held where she was for a second, looking like she was trying to remember why she was hesitating. I didn't care. I just wanted her to kiss me. She started to lean in, but a light flashed in our room through the window, and we jumped apart. They were doing that all the time; walking around our rooms, sometimes looking in our windows at random. It went without saying that we did all of our changing in the bathroom, now.

 

“Tegan, you can't do that.”

 

“I know. I'm sorry.”

 

“No, I just...I told you that I couldn't...if they did to you what they did to Johnny...I don't know how Mike bears it...” She shook her head and dealt out the cards again. “How about I can't play Aces or Kings?”

 

“What?” I asked, confused.

 

“My penalty?” Her eyes still looked glassy with tears that hadn't fallen, but she was smiling as sincerely as she could, given the circumstances. “No Aces or Kings, and if you still get destroyed, I'll just eliminate all face cards. Sound good?”

 

The change in gears was a little jarring for me. It always was for me with her, but at the same time, I was always able to recover.

 

“If I get destroyed? Are you serious?”

 

“Have you been able to finish a game with points on the board?”

 

I shook my head. “Whatever. No Aces or Kings for you.”

 

Sara smiled, and I started playing.

 

 

“Look around,” Joe said. It was our final group session, and Joe's smile was bigger than ever. “Look at all of the faces around you, and realize that you are all closer to being healthy, happy, heterosexual adults!” Joe and the counselors clapped on cue. “So far, everyone that has had their one-on-one has been considered cured. Only a few more of you to go!”

 

It almost felt like the corporate seminars that they show in movies. They were all like motivational speakers...and bad ones, at that.

 

Heather stepped up. “Now, don't worry at all if you don't feel like you're completely healed. For lots of people, this is a life-long test. You may need to visit approved therapists, and maybe come to another of these types of camps, depending on how old you are. There will always be help for you. Never think you'll have to give into those types of urges again!”

 

More clapping. They urged us to clap along, and we all did.

 

“Since today is the last day we'll all be together like this, we figured everyone could talk about how they were able to find their success, and maybe your plans to continue your recovery once you get home.”

 

They droned on and on, and I lost the point early. I looked around the room, and was shocked to realize how broken down everyone was now. Even the ones that were smiling and nodding and clapping had dark circles under their eyes. Everyone looked sick, skin pale and eyes heavy. They were all jumpy, like they were expecting one of the counselors to grab them and do to them whatever was done to Johnny and Mike. They'd all changed...this camp had broken a lot of them. The ones that were left would probably need at least a little therapy.

 

I knew that Sara and I looked worse for wear, too, but I didn't think we looked as bad as most of the people here. I liked to think it was because we had each other, but I needed to stop thinking like that. Sara wanted this to end...well, she didn't want it, but it was what she felt she could handle.

 

“Who would like to share to wrap up camp?” Joe asked, and for a long minute, no one raised their hands. Everyone wanted this to be over for one reason or another. “Alright, I'll pick someone to speak. Johnny? Why don't you stand up and say a few words?”

 

I felt like throwing up as I watched Johnny get out of his chair. I looked at Mike, and he was staring at the ground.

 

“Thank you for saving me,” he said. “I would still be a...a sin if it weren't for you all.”

 

Joe smiled. “You're welcome.” He put his hand on Johnny's shoulder, and Johnny flinched. “Okay, seems like everyone is focused on their last day! I can't blame you. You're all excited to get onto fulfilling relationships. I remember that feeling. For the few of you that are left for evaluations,” Joe looked over at me, and said with a smile, “Good luck!”

 

What the hell did that mean? Why had he looked at me like that. I'd tried to catch his eye again, but he walked away before I had the chance.

 

“Tegan?” Sara's voice made me turn to face her. “Are you okay?”

 

“He looked at me when he said that,” I said. “Why did he do that?”

 

“You're being paranoid. He looked at a few of us just now,” she said. “You've got your evaluation right now, and you're freaking yourself out.”

 

I closed my eyes. I knew she was right. Johnny and Mike had shaken me, and I'd been so busy making Sara calm, then so relieved when things went well, that I hadn't prepared myself for my own one-on-one. I was panicking. “What if Heather said something to him, and he told Danny? What if I can't convince them that I've turned straight? It's not like I've given them any reason to believe I've changed.”

 

“I was saying the same things,” she said. She nudged me until I opened my eyes. “I was telling myself the same things.”

 

“But you came here on your own, and you used to believe all this. It's not that hard to believe that you just got 'back on track' or whatever.”

 

“Do you want me to walk with you?” she asked me, and I nodded. I tried to keep my breathing even, but couldn't manage it the closer I got to my session. When we got to the door, Sara gave me a hug.

 

“You'll be okay,” she whispered in my ear. “Just tell them that you had a change of heart while you were helping me, and say you're better, and you'll be okay.”

 

She let go of me, and I walked in. Danny was waiting for me.

 

“Right on time,” he said with a smile. “Take a seat, Tegan.”

 

I sat, and for a minute, it was quiet. Danny was just jotting down notes, not looking at me.

 

“Did you want to ask me a question?” I asked. “You usually ask me questions.”

 

“I'm just getting everything set up,” he said. “How have things been? I've been hearing from others that you've gotten a lot better very quickly. Why don't you talk about that?”

 

“I-I found God.” I swallowed hard. “I made friends with my cabin mate. She was determined to get better, and it inspired me.”

 

“Hmm...so your cabin mate,” he said. “You like her?”

 

“She's my best friend,” I said, forcing myself to smile without it looking forced or too affectionate.

 

“Tegan, it's alright for you to admit that you have feelings for her. You can talk to me.”

 

For a second, I genuinely thought that Danny was trying to help. I thought that I'd read him wrong, or he had to have a little good in him. At the very least, it made him a decent therapist if he could be non-biased even if he did believe all of this.

 

“Did you ever imagine kissing her?”

 

That ruined it. It wasn't what he'd said, but the way that his body shifted, like he was waiting to hear my wet dreams. I knew if I lied to him, though, he wouldn't clear me to leave.

 

“Yes,” I said.

 

He smiled. “You're sharing. That's good. Did you imagine anything else?”

 

“No, not really,” I said way too fast. He shook his head.

 

“Tegan, I know you're lying. You need to open up. What did you think about her?”

 

I bit my lip. This guy was fucking sick. All I wanted to do was spit in his face and castrate him so he couldn't reproduce, but he held my future in his hands. He was right; I was lying, but I knew that he would have been grilling me like this whether I had slept with Sara or not. He wasn't intuitive. He just used me to feed his fantasies.

 

“I thought about sleeping with her at first, but that passed,” I said, trying to seem confident without coming off cocky. It wasn't my strong suit.

 

“Did you ever touch yourself thinking of her?”

 

“There's a boy named Jeremy at camp that I've been hanging out with.”

 

“I've heard,” Danny said. “What does that-”

 

“Well, he's what's been on my mind, as of late.” I smirked at him. Even though this made me feel all kinds of dirty, it was sort of funny watching Danny getting worked up, and it was the best way for me to get out of here.

 

“You've imagined sleeping with him?”

 

“More than imagined,” I said, then faked surprised. “Oh...I shouldn't have said that.”

 

“Don't worry about it. Nothing will leave this room. How did it feel with him?” he asked, and I tried not to seem too obviously relieved. He was biting, placated by “knowing” that I'd fucked Jeremy, and I was just happy that he hadn't pushed it with my relationship with Sara. Lying like this was a lot easier.

 

“He was amazing,” I said.

 

“Better than your fantasies of Sara?”

 

“Much,” I said, and Danny smiled again. He wrote in his pad for a long while, asking me a question here and there, most about Jeremy. A couple were about Sara, but I dodged them easily, or gave him just enough to get him to back off.

 

“You've come a long way in such a short time, Tegan,” he said. “Of course, getting sexually intimate with someone of the opposite sex is a lot of times what people need to see the light. It's why sexual conversion therapy is so effective.”

 

I felt my eye twitch. There were bad people in the world. I'd been aware of it in an abstract sort of way, but I could really see it now. I'd seen it in Heather the day she confronted me in the cabin. I'd seen it in Joe when he'd sent Johnny and Mike to elevated therapy. I saw it in Danny's eyes as he spoke about basically screwing someone straight. They were monsters.

 

“So is there anything else?” I asked. We'd already been in there for an hour, and I was getting restless. I sighed when he nodded.

 

“Just a wrap-up,” he said. “I'm proud of the changes you've made. Don't expect to never have sexual thoughts about women again, though. You've probably have to deal with that for the rest of your life, unless you are truly blessed. Whenever you do, use that energy to please the man that you're with, and remember that he can provide for you what no woman can.”

 

Deep breaths...in and out...

 

“I'll keep that in mind,” I said, standing up. “Thanks, Danny.”

 

He waved me off, and I left the room as fast as I could. At least it had gone well. At least I'd been able to hold it together through that. I'm sure that Danny had wanted more, but I was happy that he'd taken what he'd got. Had it been like that for Sara? Had he wanted her to detail out the events of her sex life?

 

I walked into the cabin, and Sara was at the desk, writing in her diary. She turned to face the door, and smiled when she saw it was me, but I could tell she was nervous for me.

 

“Hey! It went well?”

 

I nodded. “It was creepy as fuck, but I think he'll clear me.”

 

Her smile doubled, and she got up and hugged me. “God, I'm so relieved.”

 

“Me, too,” I replied. I pulled away from her, glancing at the window. She understood and took a step back. “I just started saying I was with Jeremy, and I said I helped you, like you said. Now I just have to worry about tomorrow and seeing my parents again.”

 

“Yeah,” she said quietly. “I'm trying not to think about it, but it just keeps turning over and over in my head. I'm going home. Back to my life. Back to my parents. I just don't know...I don't think I'm the same as I was. I don't know if I can hide it like I used to.”

 

“I know,” I said. “I'd tell you to leave, but I know you don't feel like you can.”

 

She looked away from me. “I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm so scared. This is who I am, and they won't ever accept that. I can't keep trying to force myself to be what they want, though. It's making me feel crazy.”

 

She sat in her bed, and I sat in mine. I don't know why, but it hit me right then that we may never spend another night together. I may never see her again, and we couldn't even sleep next to each other. I'd known it, but I hadn't taken it in yet. Sara and I were going home. She wasn't planning on seeing me ever again. I planned on finding her, but who knew if I'd be able to get to her before her parents tried to send her off somewhere else...somewhere worse?

 

I tried to hide my concern. I knew that Sara had even more to worry about.

 

“I love you,” I said. “I haven't said it in a while, because I didn't want to make you feel guilty, but I need to say it so you know.”

 

“I know. I love you, too. I just...” She stood up and went back to the desk. “I need to write a little bit, and then we can hang out for our last night, alright?”

 

“Are you sure you don't want to talk?”

 

“I can't talk about it anymore. It's not changing anything.” I heard the waver in her voice, but she cleared her throat and went on. “Let's just play cards, and enjoy each other as much as we can tonight, okay?”

 

“Yeah,” I said. I saw her point. What good was it going to do to just sit here in sadness if it really was our last night? “You write. I'll listen to music. Tap me when you want to play.”

 

She smiled, and we went into our own worlds for a few minutes, then spent the rest of the night playing cards and talking. I tried not to think about how much I would miss all this. I tried to focus on the time that I had, but it just made it pass faster. I felt myself getting tired, and I shook my head and pinched my arm to stay awake. After an hour of this, Sara started laughing.

 

“Sleepy?”

 

“I'm fine.”

 

“You're passing out,” she said. “We can just go to bed.”

 

“No really, I'll be alright,” I said. “I'm going home tomorrow. I plan on catching up on all the sleep I missed here, so a two-week coma can have a couple hours added to it.”

 

“Tegan, it's okay. We still have the morning. We still have time together.”

 

I felt a lump rise in my throat. “Not enough.”

 

Sara blinked a few times before she started picking up the cards. “No. It really isn't, but it's still more than nothing.”

 

I nodded and wiped away the few tears that fell. “Okay.”

 

We climbed into our beds, and I faced my wall. I closed my eyes and tried to sleep, but it wouldn't come. Of course when I'd been spending time with Sara I was shutting down, but I was wide awake now that she was asleep. It wasn't fair. Nothing about my life had been fair since the moment my mother had caught me with Lindsey.

 

“Tegan?”

 

Sara's voice was so quiet that I'd barely heard it. “Yeah?”

 

She spoke again, but louder. “I can't sleep.”

 

“Neither can I,” I said back. I rolled over in my bed to face her, and she did the same for me.

 

“Why can't you?”

 

“I can't stop thinking about how much I don't want this to end. I'm scared about seeing my parents. I'm scared of what my life is going to be when I go back. I'm scared because I know you're asking yourself the same questions, and your situation is a lot worse than mine. I'm just scared.” I took a few deep breaths, and studied Sara's face. She looked like she wanted to say something. “What about you? What's keeping you up?”

 

“All of that,” she said. “I don't want to leave. Well, I want to leave, but I don't want to leave you. I just can't see a future where I can make it work.”

 

“I know you don't,” I said.

 

I saw her lick her lips, and she pushed some of her hair out of her face. “I just want to touch you so badly. This is our last night. We should be able to have it together. I should be able to climb on top of you and bite and bruise you because this is all so frustrating, and you like it.”

 

I smiled at her as innocently as I could, but she'd flipped my switch, and she probably knew it.

 

“Why would you do this to me when I can't do anything about it?”

 

“You can,” she said, her voice dropping like it always did right before we ended up making each other cum.

 

“We can't risk it. You know we can't. Please don't make me be the rational one, because I'll give in.”

 

She laughed a little, and I could just make out her smirk in the dark room. After a few seconds, her face got serious, then she moved in the bed a little, and she started moaning. I whimpered in surprise.

 

“If we can't touch each other, I'll touch myself while I look at you. I need something.” I saw her hand move under the blanket, and heard her breaths stutter out of her lungs. “I'm imagining you're touching me right now, Tegan.”

 

“What're you doing?” I asked, my own hand moving down toward my underwear. I kept my hand right above the waistband, one finger tracing skin right below the elastic band.

 

“I'm rubbing my clit,” she said.

 

“God, Sara,” I groaned out. “What am I supposed to do, here?”

 

“You do the same. Pretend it's me.”

 

I hesitated in my head for a half second, then I did like she said. I pretended that her hand was on me, and that my hand was on her. As I watched her upper lip twitch, I pretended that I was the one making her feel that way, and it made my hips jump up a little against my hand.

 

“We can't get caught, Sara.”

 

“What will they say? We caught them lying-” Her words stopped as her hand picked up its pace. “-lying in bed? I need you, Tegan. I need you to fuck yourself. Right now.”

 

I pushed two fingers inside of myself and pumped slowly in and out. I knew Sara would want me to take my time. I think she liked to see me torture myself, because she never had the patience to hold herself back once she started touching me.

 

“If I could touch you right now, I wouldn't be gentle,” she said. “I would make it count. I would make you feel me for a long time. I...I would lick you until your inner thighs quaked. I would f-fuck you until you felt sore. I would make you cum until you couldn't do it anymore, but you would still want to. You would still-still beg for it.”

 

Her hand had picked up speed while she was talking, and so had mine. I saw a light flash by the window, and I slowed my hand, but Sara didn't seemed as phased. She was quiet, but she went on with her hand, and she kept looking at me. I saw her mouth 'Harder' to me, and I was more than happy to oblige. I saw her own eyes lose focus as I figured she'd finally slipped inside of herself. She held up four fingers, and I just nodded; I'd slipped in the extra two a minute before that. Her hand ran under her own shirt, and started pulling her nipple. I followed her lead. As the light moved on, and a few minutes had passed, Sara spoke up again.

 

“This isn't enough,” she said. “I need to...I need to touch you.”

 

“We can't here,” I managed to say. “We can't...fuck, Sara, I wish you could touch me _right fucking now_ but you can't.” I couldn't mention Johnny and Mike right now. I didn't know how she would react.

 

She groaned and glared at me, that dangerous look that she got right before she did something like bite me or dig her nails into my skin.

 

“Pinch your nipple, Tegan.” I did like she told me. “Harder, Tegan.”

 

“Fuck.” I pinched them and pulled a little.

 

“Does it hurt?” she asked, and I shook my head. “Then pinch harder.”

 

I bit my lip. She knew what she was doing to me. She could get me to hurt myself so she could watch me squirm. I couldn't imagine if I hadn't found her. I probably would have never even figured out that I wanted any of this. I pinched harder and twisted until I started to wince. I wished she could kiss me. I wished her skin was on mine. I took comfort in the fact that at least she was still in the room. Soon, she would only be in my head.

 

I couldn't think like that. Not when Sara's moans were getting longer and louder. Not when I was starting to feel my walls flutter.

 

“Fuck yourself harder, Tegan,” she snapped out, and I did. My palm was slapping my clit. My fingers were either inside of me or pulling at my chest. It was so easy to imagine that I was actually inside of Sara. That it was actually her hand on my chest. That we were actually tangled up in each other like we had been so many times before.

 

I was the first one to climax, it sneaking up on me faster than I was expecting. I palmed my chest, trying to hold onto something that I could pretend was Sara. She started cumming a few seconds later, the vein in her neck popping out, and her mouth open in a silent scream that turned into a wanton growl that came from the back of her throat.

 

She was right; it wasn't enough.

 

“Feel me,” I said, my hand pulling out of my pants and sliding them down to my knees. “I know we can't, but just feel me, Sara.”

 

She jumped out of her bed, and I could tell that her legs were still a little wobbly from the orgasm she'd just given herself. Her hand went under my covers and slid between my legs.

 

“You came...so much,” she said. She grabbed the hand that I'd had inside of myself and shoved it in her own mouth while she kept her hands running up and down my lips. She let my fingers slip from her mouth. “This only made me want you more.”

 

I nodded, not being able to form words. When another light approached our window, Sara quickly made her way back to her bed. I watched as she licked her fingers with the same care that she'd licked mine, and I felt like I was about to pop.

 

“This can't be the last time,” I said.

 

“No,” she said. “We'll find a way. It's a risk, but I can't leave without really having you at least one more time.”

 

The light passed again, and I tried to catch my breath. “We should try to sleep.”

 

“Yeah,” she said. “Goodnight, Tegan.”

 

“Goodnight,” I said. I started to feel myself drift off to sleep. I had just finally dropped off when Sara's voice brought me back to life.

 

“I need to touch myself again. I won't be able to sleep if the last thing I did was touch you. Let me look at you again.”

 

I smiled and turned back over, my own hand drifting down again.

 

 


	20. Chapter 20

Sara and I stood outside by the parking lot. All of us were out here, side-by-side, watching as cars started to come around the bend and into the camp.

 

“They're starting to pull in,” I said. “Are both of yours coming?”

 

“Yes. Yours?”

 

“I think so...unfortunately.”

 

“It'll be okay,” she said. She touched her hand to the back of mine, but pulled it away so fast I barely felt it. “They'll be happy to see us, and you'll be able to fake it.”

 

“Will you?” I asked, and her jaw clenched. “Sara?”

 

“There they are,” she said. She was staring off into the parking lot, and I saw where she was looking. Her dad was tall, blonde, and intimidating, but he had a smile on his face. Her mom was on the shorter side, with dark hair. She seemed so graceful, getting out of the car and making her way towards us. They seemed so...perfect. Like '50s sitcom perfect.

 

I could feel Sara's anxiety coming off of her in waves. Was she starting to shake? She took a few deep breaths, and I felt her force herself to seem more relaxed. I could still feel it, though. Feel how tense she was.

 

I'd been so focused on it that I hadn't noticed my parents approaching me until my dad picked me up in a hug.

 

“Tegan!” he said with the smile in his voice that he always had when he saw me at the end of summer. It was so surreal...I was hugging him back like this had just been any regular summer away from home. He had sent me away because he didn't love the real me. Thankfully, he set me down before I had a chance to panic and push myself out of his arms. My mom grabbed me right after, but her hug and kiss on the cheek were much shorter.

 

“Oh my God, have you been eating?” my mom asked when she let go. “Or getting sun? Are you alright?”

 

Was I alright? She had the nerve to ask me if I was alright?

 

“I'm fine. It's just been a rough experience, but I'm through it.” Sara and I had practiced what we were going to say to our parents to each other. I was going with a more “wing it” approach. Sara wanted more of a script that had room for flexibility.

 

I looked over to Sara, and her parents had her wrapped in a hug. Her mother was patting her back, and her dad had his arms wrapped around the both of them. This didn't feel right. This didn't match the picture that I'd painted in my head. I'd expected them to be cold and stern looking. They seemed loving...almost. Something was stiff about the whole thing, but that could just be Sara. I knew some of what these people had done to her. How could they do that and look like such normal people?

 

I looked at Sara, and she looked back at me. She looked scared. Not the type that was panicked and looking for an escape route, but the kind that was resigned and knowing there isn't one. It broke my heart.

 

I took a step towards her, and Sara's dad noticed me. Both of her parents let her go, and her dad faced me with a smile. Not quite fake like the ones on the faces of the counselors, but not like the more honest ones on my parents' faces.

 

“You must be Tegan!” he said, sticking out his hand. His grip was tight to the point of pain, but he let go pretty fast. “Sara's told us so much about you!”

 

“She has?” I said with a weak smile.

 

“Absolutely! She says you've helped her quite a bit. Have you also achieved a full recovery?”

 

I nodded. “They told me this morning. Passed with flying colors.”

 

“Glad to hear it,” Sara's mother added, hugging me. “Aren't you proud of our girls?”

 

My dad nodded. “I'm glad she won't have to face this hard life. Won't have to face God's judgment.” He was saying the words, but he was looking at me with worry. “Are you sure you're alright, Tegan?”

 

“I just didn't sleep well last night,” I lied. “Couldn't wait to go home!”

 

He wasn't convinced, but he turned back to Sara's dad. “I'm Spencer.”

 

“Eric. Nice to meet you,” Sara's dad said, shaking my dad's hand, then leaning in a little closer. “I'm glad our daughters could help each other. This has been really hard on us, and I'm just glad Sara's normal now.”

 

“Yeah,” my dad said. “I'm glad they're better, too.”

 

“There you are!” a voice called from behind me, and I found myself being picked up in a hug again. A voice whispered, “Play along,” in my ear, and I knew it was Jeremy. He set me down, then put his arm around my shoulder. “Mom, Dad, this is Tegan. We're not official or anything, but we've been seeing each other. We plan on keeping in contact, isn't that right?”

 

Jeremy was smiling at me, and I smiled back, because it was all I could do to not laugh in his face.

 

“You bet!” I tried not to sound sarcastic, but it was a struggle. “Jeremy and I really hit it off at the hike-and-camp.”

 

“And we've been inseparable ever since!” he said, pulling me closer. Our parents all introduced themselves, then started talking. Sara, Jeremy, and I hung around just long enough for them to stop paying attention to us. After that, we stepped a little bit away and talked quietly.

 

“Well, you could have told me that we were telling our parents, too!” I said to Jeremy as loud as I could without drawing any attention.

 

“I figured that was a given,” Jeremy said. “Sorry to get so handsy. You're getting them off my back. Your parents make money?”

 

“Mom's a lawyer. Dad's an accountant,” I said. “Why?”

 

“Hmm...that should do,” he said after a beat.

 

“What does that mean?” I asked. “What should do?”

 

He ignored me and turned to Sara. “How's it going with you and yours?”

 

Sara just shrugged. “They seem like they always do in public.” She flinched, realizing what she'd said.

 

“In public?” he questioned, and I shot him a look. “I don't mean to pry, or anything.”

 

“It's fine,” she said, but she didn't say anything else.

 

“Well, our parents seem to be hitting it off,” I said, trying to take the attention off of her. They were all joking and laughing with each other like it was any other day. At least my parents had the decency to look a little uncomfortable, but they were joining in, too. It was so weird loving them and hating them at the same time.

 

At least I could say they were the best of the three sets of parents standing in front of me. And whether they seemed like it or not, Sara's parents were the worst.

 

I looked over at Johnny with his parents, and they seemed to be disappointed in him for needing the extra beating to straighten out. At least, that's what I could hear from their shouting across the parking lot. They were already dragging him off.

 

“Mike said that they're sending him to another camp,” Jeremy said, noticing where I was looking. “Didn't buy he was totally cured. Wanted to make sure.”

 

“Fuck,” I said, looking away as his dad pushed him into the car. I couldn't think about how awful that was for him. “How's Mike taking that?”

 

“I'm not sure. He just stated it like fact. Maybe he's in shock?”

 

“It's not that,” Sara said, and we both looked at her. “He's probably tired. He just needs to get away from this.”

 

“That's true,” Jeremy said. “We all do. We all need to go home.”

 

“I guess so,” Sara said, and I saw her eyes start to water. Jeremy looked confused, but I hoped he wouldn't say anything. Sara couldn't explain to him that home wasn't any better. Luckily, all of the counselors were starting to gather everyone into the orientation room. We all sat by our parents, minus the few families that had left early, and I groaned when I realized I was going to have to listen to Joe and Heather speak one more time.

 

“Hello, parents! Welcome to Exodus! For the past summer, your kids have been working really hard to become the people that they were meant to be. The people you no doubt raised them to be. They've all been very strong and very brave, and even though there were some scuffs and scrapes along the way, they all made it! Let's give them a round of applause, shall we?”

 

It was the loudest applause that I'd heard all summer, and it was weird to see different kids clapping then when we'd been in here for orientation. Some of the kids that had come in here determined to change were just broken, now. And a few that had been okay with their sexualities had been won over by manipulation or fear or starvation...whatever it was, it made me feel sick for them.

 

“I can say that I am very proud of all of your kids,” Heather said, stepping forward. “Even the most adamant that their sin was just who they are were able to see the light and realize what God really wants for them. I hope they are able to stay on the path as well as many of the counselors here have.”

 

I saw her eyes glance over to Tina, and I hated that I wanted to leave, but didn't want to leave so badly. Was that how Heather and Tina had ended up working at a place like this? Tina had wanted to leave, but hadn't wanted to lose Heather?

 

I was projecting. Knowing that didn't change anything, though.

 

“Alright, while we walk your parents through everything that's happened at camp, you all head back to your cabins and pack your things,” Joe said to us. “If you're already packed, take this time to relax! You did it!”

 

Everyone clapped again, and we left our families in the room. They'd told us this would happen. Parents would be told about everything we'd been through (well, not everything, but the edited version they chose to share), and they could ask questions to the counselors about helping with their child's recovery. Then they'd sign all the papers and make final payments, and then we'd be free to go. I knew that this would be the last chance that Sara and I got to be together, and so did she. We hurried back to our cabin, and Sara was pushing me back against the desk almost before I'd managed to shut the door.

 

“Sara,” I said as her mouth went to my neck. “Careful. Someone could see us.”

 

“They're all in the hall. We don't have long before someone makes rounds,” she said, pushing my pants down and picking me up onto the desk. As she flicked my clit and pulled my shirt up to bite at the skin on my stomach, I couldn't help but think of the first time, and I pushed the thoughts away, because it made me think of how this was our last time.

 

She was biting hard enough to bruise, but not hard enough to break the skin. When her bites moved to just off of my nipples, my eyes rolled back, and I realized that I'd just cum. It wasn't enough for me, though. It didn't matter, because I knew I'd be able to do it again, and Sara wasn't stopping. She was rubbing my clit with just enough pressure to make my vision start to fade, and her mouth had started kissing down my stomach.

 

She slipped inside of me. It felt like three fingers. She dropped to her knees in front of me and sucked my clit into her mouth. I rolled my hips against her face and put my hand on her cheek. She was curling her fingers inside of me, trying to get me over the edge again as fast as she could, but I didn't want this to be quick. I knew it had to be, but I didn't want to accept it.

 

“Fuck me harder,” I said, desperately. I needed it to hurt. I needed to drown the thoughts of losing her out of my head. Besides, it felt so much better when it hurt, and I knew she would never push it too far...not that she would have the chance now that we were leaving. I groaned out of frustration and from a particular flick of her wrist. “Please, fuck me harder!”

 

Sara sped up, pushed deeper into me, and flicked my clit quickly with her tongue. As she pushed into me, I felt the finger that wasn't inside of me slipping farther back...it grazed my asshole more than once before it just became a steady pressure there. I simultaneously wanted to tell Sara to move it away and to push it inside. It felt good. It felt _really_ good, but I didn't know how to ask for that. I didn't even know if she was into that sort of thing. Just because she was rough didn't mean that she was into everything. Instead of ruining the moment with possible awkwardness, I let her keep going, and I figured I would mention it next time, because just feeling her rub against it was adding this whole new feeling for me.

 

I came again as I realized that I'd been planning on a next time that I knew wouldn't happen. Sara had stuck her tongue inside of me, licking my walls and keeping me from ever falling off of my orgasm. It was amazing, but it was terrible, because I knew it had to end. I knew that she would pull away, and we would pack, and I would never see her again. I started to cry as I finally relaxed, and Sara pulled away and stood up, wiping her face with her hand.

 

“Tegan?” she asked. “Are you okay? Did I hurt you?”

 

I shook my head and tried to organize my thoughts. “I'm fine. Just ignore me. Let me touch you.”

 

“No, I...you're crying. What's wrong?”

 

“We don't have time for this.” I hopped off of the desk and my knees almost buckled under me. I pulled my pants up and straightened out my shirt. I started unbuttoning her pants. “I need to touch you before we go.”

 

“Tegan,” she said, batting my hands away. “Tegan, stop. You can't do this. Let's just enjoy what we had, and-”

 

“No!” I yelled at her. “You can't just-fuck! This is all I get! Just let me have it!” I walked past her and paced around the room for a while. She made me so fucking mad. She was this constant fucking emotional yo-yo, and no matter what I did, it felt like I didn't get what I wanted.

 

“I'm sorry,” she said, trying to touch my shoulder, but I pushed her hand away.

 

“Don't touch me, Sara. Don't fucking touch me! Did you ever plan on giving this a chance, or was your plan always to leave me? You _begged_ me not to leave you, and now you're running! I could have been out weeks ago and not been starving to death and being driven crazy! You've driven me crazy!”

 

“I know,” she mumbled. “I...I know.”

 

“You flirted with me, but got mad at me when I acted on it. I tried to hate you, and then you fuck me. I try to love you, and you run. I try to give up, and you beg me to hold on. I think we're doing well, and you tell me we're done when camp ends. I don't know what you want! I never know what you want, and no matter what, you leave me! Fuck you, Sara! Just fuck you!”

 

I sat on the ground, pulled my knees into myself, and cried. I hated her. I _hated_ her. I wished that I'd never met her. She was the worst thing that had come out of going to this place.

 

“You're right,” she said, and I looked up at her. Tears were streaming out of her eyes, but her voice only had a slight waver. “You're right about everything. I was awful. You...you deserve better than this. I'm sorry.”

 

She turned away to pack her things, and all of my anger left me. I didn't hate her. I was terrified for her, and I was taking it out on her. Like what she'd done to me when she was scared of me...scared of the way that I made her feel. I got to my feet and packed my own things. This was so unfair. In any other place or time, Sara and I would be perfect for each other. We'd at least have a chance of making each other happy. Why did we have to be put in this? This wasn't fair.

 

“Do you want your jacket and shirt back?” I asked her as I was packing. I didn't know why I would ask and not just give them to her, but something said to ask.

 

She was quiet for a long moment before saying, “Keep them. Anything I have of yours I'm keeping. They're already packed away.”

 

I laughed a little before it turned into a sob. We spent the rest of our time packing in silence.

 

An hour later, and we were both ready to go, and we knew our parents would be near done checking us out. We had all of our bags by the door, and we faced each other in the middle of the room. We didn't say anything, just studying each other like we had on the first day from across the yard. Sara spoke first.

 

“I'm sorry,” she said. “I just...I can't hold onto false hope. I can't keep you from finding someone that isn't a lost cause. I need to accept that I wasn't made to be who I am. I can't be happy. I don't...I don't even know how. Good luck, Tegan.”

 

She started to walk out the door, and logically, I should have let her. She didn't want to fight. Why should I? She didn't care how much she was hurting me. Why should I care about not hurting her? I wanted to let her walk out the door and never have to deal with her again.

 

I couldn't, though. I wanted to be able to stay angry at her, but I couldn't. I knew that once she was able to get into a healthier place, she would be able to be happy. That was all I could care about. It was like she was a part of me, and she had to be okay for me to be able to be okay. I couldn't let her leave like this.

 

“Sara, wait!” I said, and she turned around. “Wait just one minute. I'm so sorry I snapped. I got scared. I don't want to lose you. I love you so much. I...I guess if you can't hold on, if it's too painful for you to try, then I won't make you, but know that I'm going to find a way to make sure you're safe. I'm going to do everything I can to make sure you have a shot at happiness, whether I get anything out of it or not.”

 

Sara rolled her eyes. “Tegan, stop trying to win me over.”

 

“I'm not,” I said. I really wasn't. “I just...you need to know that someone loves you. Even if you go back to the bristly, super-guarded, super-closeted Sara that I met when I got here, I still love you. Even if your parents don't, I do. Even if every other person in the world turns their backs on you, and you've become the saddest, loneliest, angriest person in the world, I will still be there for you. I will still love you.”

 

“You say that now, Tegan.”

 

“And I'll mean it forever.”

 

“No, you won't!” She was in my face again. “You won't still love me if I don't get better. You won't still love me if I don't stay with you!”

 

“I know why you feel that way,” I said. “I'm different than your family, though. I just love you, and I respect that you don't think I'll still love you, but I will. Sara...short of something really crazy, there isn't a thing you can do to push me away forever.”

 

She shut her eyes and put her fingers on the bridge of her nose. She shook her head a few times before she started digging through one of her bags. I didn't know what was happening...was she giving me my clothes back? It was the only thing I could think of, but it seemed too out-of-the-blue. She was pushing things around like she was looking for something in particular.

 

When she pulled out her diary and a pen, I was even more confused. She went to the desk, opened to the back page, then scribbled something down. I was about to ask her what she was doing when Sara grabbed one of my hands and put the book into it. I didn't understand, and Sara could tell.

 

“I want you to have it. For those moments...this isn't going to be easy. I'm not going to be easy. When there are times that you want to give up on me, read that, and remember...” Her voice caught in her throat.

 

“Remember what, Sara?” I asked. “I mean, you said this was your space. You said that this was important to you. Why give it to me?”

 

She took a breath and went on. “Remember that this is hard for me. Remember that this will get better over time. I've gotten better. I just don't know how to love and trust people very well. I'm learning with you. And that book was extremely important to me this summer, but I want you to be able to have a piece of me when I'm not around.”

 

“What does that mean?” I asked. “What do you mean with all of this?”

 

“I wrote my number in the back,” she said.

 

“Wait.” Had I heard her right? Had she really given me her number? “What?”

 

“And my address and e-mail. I don't do social media, because it's too risky.” She smiled at me, even though there were tears in her eyes. “I want to try. For you, and for me. I don't want to live a lie. I love you, Tegan. I want to be with you. I want to be yours, even if it means the world's most complicated long distance relationship. I want this.”

 

I smiled and pulled her into a hug. “Yes. Yes, Sara.”

 

She was giving me a way to find her after we left this place. She was letting us try to make this work. This was the moment that we'd needed. I knew that this wouldn't be smooth from here on out, but I knew at least that I wasn't losing her, and that she wasn't giving up.

 

“I wish you hadn't been so stubborn and let me touch you,” I said into her shoulder, and she laughed. “I'll give you my number, too.”

 

I felt her nod. “Rip out a page, and write it down.” I did what she said, and she folded up the paper as small as she could and put it into her sock. We both looked at each other again before I leaned in for one more kiss. It went from slow to desperate almost immediately. Sara's hands gripped at my shirt, and my hands were on her hips, pulling her closer to me. When we heard voices passing by the door, we knew all of the parents were coming, and we pulled apart.

 

“We'll see each other again,” I told her as I helped her look decent. “We'll be happy together.”

 

“Okay,” she said. “I believe you.”

 

We grabbed our bags and walked out of the cabin. Jeremy was waiting outside, and Sara walked off with her parents. I watched her as she got into the car, my stomach feeling queasy as they started to pull away. I didn't want to let her go with them, but I had proof that we could make it tucked under my arm. She'd given me the entire diary. Every thing she'd thought, what I'd already read and what was new, she gave me to keep forever. She wanted us to be together. She wanted to give this a try.

 

“Sorry to interrupt your obvious staring,” Jeremy said, “but I need your number. I plan on bothering you all the time, now.”

 

I smiled at him. After Sara, Jeremy was the best thing that happened to me from coming to this hellhole. I punched it into his cellphone.

 

“Just call that number right now, and I'll save it when I get home to my cell phone.” I gave him a hug.

 

“You're the best fake girlfriend ever,” he said so our parents wouldn't hear. “Good luck with Sara.”

 

“Thanks,” I said. Even if things were getting better, it didn't mean that they were already there. I needed all the luck I could get. I gave him a kiss on the cheek for good measure. Would have been on the lips, but I wanted Sara to be the last person that I'd kissed.

 

My dad loaded all of my things into our car. I got into the back seat and flipped to the last page of the book and traced my finger over Sara's writing. My parents eventually got into the car, and I closed the book and put it next to me.

 

“Well, we're glad that you got through that, sweetheart,” my mom said. “I'm sorry that it seemed so...they seemed to be a little stricter than I thought they would be.”

 

“Everyone was just a little on edge,” my dad said. “Sara and Jeremy's parents all seemed on edge. I'm sure we seemed the same. It's not the most pleasant situation.” He looked in the rear-view mirror at me. “But we are very proud of you for getting through that. You saved your soul.”

 

I shook my head. I couldn't even think what Sara's parents were saying to her. I spent the entire ride home, trying to sneak peaks at Sara's diary, but I was paranoid that my parents would get suspicious and ask to see the book.

 

They tried to talk to me...ask me if I participated in any events, ask me about Jeremy (in the case of my mom, ask me a lot about Jeremy), ask me some about Sara. That made me the most nervous, because I got scared that I wouldn't be able to hide my love for her. I mostly just said I was proud of her, which was true. I just lied about the reason.

 

When I got home, the first thing I did was check my cell phone. I had a few texts from people here and there. Some really old ones from Lindsey, trying to get me to talk to her from before she got in contact with me at the camp. Some from random people who wanted to hang out or know where I'd disappeared to. I scanned them until I came across two from earlier in the day.

 

_Hello my beautiful “GF” it's Jeremy. Only been 2 hours and I already miss u terribly. Lol Really shoot me a txt when ur home safe._

 

I smiled at that one and let him know that I was home and alive. The second text, though, was the one that mattered.

 

_My parents don't know about this phone. I gave you my house phone number just in case, but only call this one. I'll do most of the calling. We'll have to get on a schedule. I love you, and I'll call you when I can. Don't worry if it's not until the weekend :)_

 

I smiled and swallowed the lump in my throat. We could make it. I didn't know how, but I knew we could.

 

 


	21. Chapter 21

_Sara and I were laying in the cabin on my bunk...except it was different. Nicer. The bed was a lot bigger, but Sara still had half of her body laying on top of me. Her mouth was on my neck, laying small pecks and licks wherever her mouth could easily reach._

 

“ _Sara,” I sighed. I ran my hands through her hair. “Never stop.”_

 

_She giggled. “I have to.”_

 

“ _Why?” I asked. “I miss you. I always miss you.”_

 

“ _I miss you, too,” she said back to me. “But we'll find each other again. We already have once.”_

 

_I nodded. “I'll find you. I'll take care of you.”_

 

_I blinked, and she was half way down my body. Another second had her between my legs, kissing my thighs. She pulled away just enough to look at me with a smile._

 

“ _Maybe later. For now, I'll take care of you.” She leaned in and took me into her mouth-_

 

-and the sound of some asshole honking his horn outside made my eyes shoot open.

 

I felt disoriented. It took me a few minutes to realize that I wasn't at camp anymore...I was in my room at home. I felt so incredibly comfortable in my bed. I'd gotten somewhat used to the ones in the cabin, and this just felt like sleeping on clouds, as stupid as that sounded. The blankets were soft and didn't have holes. The mattress was firm, but not a fucking rock. The pillows smelled like a fresh wash instead of mildew and...

 

Sara.

 

It hit me that this was going to be the first time in months that I would spend a whole day without seeing Sara. At all. And I had no idea when I would see her. I hadn't really thought about how hard this moment would be. I'd been relieved that Sara was giving me a chance. I'd been relieved I'd made it out of there. It had occurred to me that I wouldn't see Sara for a while before, but this was the first time I really processed it.

 

I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to stop my tears from falling. I just wished that I knew when I would get to see her. I knew she was okay...we'd just left camp, and she'd texted me to let me know that she was alright. She'd said to wait until the weekend to hear from her again, and it was only Thursday. She would probably call the next day, when her parents were around less. Still, I had this nagging feeling at the back of my mind...

 

I took a few deep breaths to calm myself down. I would have to get used to this feeling, but I

 

would feel better after she called. I blinked and wiped my eyes before pulling myself out of bed. I went to the bathroom, took a shower, got dressed, then started making my way back to my room.

 

“Tegan? Is that you?”

 

I felt my shoulders drop as my dad called me. I'd wanted a little more time alone to wallow. I wasn't ready to act like I was cured. I wasn't ready to face them for an extended period of time, but I didn't have much of a choice. I picked up my head and tried to look happy as I walked into the kitchen. It was just my dad sitting at the table, sipping a coffee.

 

“Where's Mom?” I asked, sitting across from him.

 

“Getting ready. We're going out to breakfast. Wherever you want.” He smiled at me, and I smiled back as genuinely as I could manage. It wasn't very convincing, though, because he sighed and took another sip of his coffee. “How was this summer? Besides Jeremy. I've heard enough about Jeremy.”

 

I blinked a few times as flashes of Sara fucking me in the rain or while I was so sick I could barely breathe went through my head.

 

“It was good. Best summer of my life...in some ways.”

 

He nodded. “Seems like it was tough for everyone to get through. Your friend Sara looked like she'd been through the wringer.”

 

“She held up well, considering,” I said, holding back my many defenses of her.

 

“I know, but everyone looked so...unfocused. Tired, maybe,” he said. The word he was looking for was broken, but he didn't want to say it. He shook his head again. “My point is that I'm happy that you got through it. I know that it seems like we were trying to ruin your life, but we just wanted to make sure that your soul would be safe.”

 

“We're both very happy for you, dear,” my mom said as she walked into the room. “Your life may be hard because of this, but your eternity will be so worth it.”

 

She kissed me on the cheek, and I realized that my face was going to ache from the smile I was having to force onto it. They were really trying to say that this was out of love. Maybe in their twisted minds, it was. That didn't make what they'd done any better.

 

“I picked up ham and cheese croissants and donuts,” my dad said. He grabbed them from the counter. “I figured you could use some cheap comfort food.”

 

I already had half the croissant jammed in my mouth before he even finished the sentence. I barely chewed before swallowing and moving onto a maple bar. I could feel my parents gawking at me, so I swallowed and took a much smaller bite.

 

“Sorry,” I said around my food.

 

“Don't worry,” my dad said. “An appetite is healthy, and you've earned all the donuts you want.”

 

“For a while. Too much sugar,” my mom added with a wink. I wanted to find it funny and drop into the banter that I used to have with them, but all I could think about was how much I wanted to get away. “Alright, your father and I have until Monday off. We can do whatever you want until then.”

 

“What sounds fun?” my dad asked with a smile. “Movies? Mini-golf? Laser tag?”

 

“I think just sleeping,” I said. “I want to sleep.”

 

My dad's smile fell a little, but he picked it back up. “I understand. We've got three days after this. No need to jump right in. Get some rest. Take the day to yourself, and we can start catching up tomorrow. Sound good?

 

“Thanks,” I said, surprised that it hadn't been more of a fight. “And thanks for the food. All I ask for today is that we have lots of food. Whatever I want.”

 

“Is that what happened at camp? Didn't have what you liked?” my mom asked me. “I'm sure the food was pretty crappy.”

 

“What little they gave us,” I said before I thought about it. They looked at me concerned, so I laughed it off. “Ugh, I'm being dramatic. I just need rest.”

 

I got up from the table without another word and went to my room. I thought they would follow me, but after a few minutes, I relaxed. I checked my phone to see if I'd missed any calls, but there was nothing. I felt obsessed...the weekend. I needed to wait for the weekend.

 

I spent a few hours trying to do something other than lay in the bed. I didn't want to talk to anyone but Sara or maybe Jeremy. I wasn't interested in what my sort-of-friends from high school had been up to. That whole time felt like a different life, and I'd barely been invested when I was seeing them every day.

 

I thought about calling Jeremy, but I was sure his parents were showing him off for the day, and I wasn't totally up for keeping up with a conversation with him. I figured I'd try to talk to him some time over the weekend. I watched TV for a while, but nothing could keep my attention. I heard my parents turn on the TV in the living room, and I gave up on trying to tough it out alone. I walked out to them.

 

“What's starting?” I asked as I sat on the chair by our couch.

 

“Oh, hey, kid!” my dad said. “Your mom picked The Notebook. It just started. Want anything? We have pizza and wings and a little candy-”

 

“You knew I'd leave if there wasn't food, didn't you?” I asked, sighing. My dad nodded, and I shrugged and grabbed a plate and some pizza. “Pass the popcorn?”

 

My dad smiled and handed it to me. I'd only seen this movie once before, and it had been because I'd had a crush on a straight friend that insisted it was the greatest movie ever. I didn't exactly share that opinion.

 

By the end of the movie, my mom was in tears, and my dad had his arm around her shoulder. They were such a cliché...such a happy cliché that I didn't fit into anymore. I didn't feel at home here anymore, and I didn't know what to do about that.

 

“That's so romantic,” my mom said, dabbing at her eyes with a napkin. “He was with her until the moment they died. Isn't that romantic, Tegan?”

 

I didn't react for a second, just shocked that my mom would turn to me like I'd have an opinion on this. Did she think this was the way that our relationship would go, now? That we'd sit around and talk about boys?

 

When my mom started to look confused, I covered. “Yeah, it's cute. Sorry, it's just really making me miss Jeremy.”

 

My mom put her hand on her chest. “Oh, sweetheart. First love is so strong.”

 

“I'd say love is probably a little strong to be using for Jeremy,” my dad cut in. “They just met.”

 

“They knew each other all summer.”

 

My dad turned to me. “Well, do you think it's love?”

 

They were really trying to be playful, but I felt more uncomfortable than ever. I was in an even more suffocating closet than I'd been in before they knew the truth.

 

“I could,” I said. “He's sweet, but like Dad said, we just met. We're getting to know each other.”

 

“I think that's sweet,” my mom said. “You're taking your time.”

 

I thought of Sara again, and how little time we'd taken to get to know each other...or to start sleeping together. It was probably because we'd been forced together so much. Besides, there'd always been something there between the two of us. I didn't regret how fast we'd gone.

 

I was hit again with thoughts of not being able to see her. I pushed them out of my mind as fast as I could. She would call me.

 

My parents and I talked a little while longer before we all went to bed. They seemed happy with the day. I was just glad that I'd gotten through it.

 

When I woke up the next morning, my stomach wasn't sitting quite right with me. My body was punishing me for filling it with crap right after it was deprived of food for so long. It probably would have been smarter to take it slow, but pizza and donuts and pasta and all the other stuff I'd eaten had been too tempting. I rolled over and checked my phone. I had a new message, and got excited, but deflated a little bit when I realized it was Jeremy.

 

_Sup, bitch? How r u? Everything ok w/the fam?_

 

He'd sent it an hour ago, so I decided to text him back.

 

_Its weird and Im bloated. Too much food._

 

I heard a knock on my door, then my dad was walking into my room. I jumped and turned over in the bed, having flashes of the counselors busting in our room to drag us out to see Johnny and Mike get taken away. When I wasn't dreaming of Sara, I was having nightmares about them coming in to take me...or worse, Sara.

 

“Don't come in!” I yelled, and he backed out.

 

“I'm sorry!” he yelled through the door. “Were you getting dressed?”

 

I swallowed a few times before saying, “Yes.” I knew he wouldn't understand the truth.

 

“Alright, well, I was wondering if you wanted to do anything today?”

 

I groaned into my pillow. I really wanted to want to go out with them, but all I wanted to do was sleep and know when I would be able to see Sara again. It was making me nervous that she hadn't texted. She had to know that I would worry. Going out with my parents was the last thing I wanted to do, but we'd always been an active family, and they were determined to act like everything was normal.

 

“Have anything in mind?” I asked him.

 

“I was thinking maybe bowling? We used to have a great time bowling, and we could have some of those awesome hot dogs and chili fries.”

 

My stomach immediately protested and seconded the idea at the same time. “Sure. We can do that.”

 

“Great! Your mom found your bowling shoes while you were away. We can all wear our matching gear!”

 

“Can I not wear the matching gear?” I asked as I started actually getting dressed. I heard him laugh through the door.

 

“I suppose you're an adult, now. Just trying to have some fun.”

 

I felt guilty for making him feel bad, which just made me mad. Why should I feel guilty? Because I don't want to pretend like they didn't ship me off to psycho camp because they can't deal with who I am?

 

I felt bad because I loved them. I felt bad because they seemed to think that they'd genuinely done what was best for me...for my soul.

 

I started thinking about what Sara must be going through. I briefly hoped that her parents were treating her well, but I was sure that the best they were doing for her was leaving her alone. I hoped that they hadn't figured out that she wasn't straight. I could see them shipping her off right away to one of those places where they'd do a lot worse than they had at ours. I couldn't think about that, though. It pushed my stomach from uneasy but manageable to twisting so hard I wanted to puke.

 

I thought about texting her just to make sure she was okay, but I got the feeling from her text the other night that it wouldn't be smart for me to start communication. Maybe she was worried her parents might answer it instead of her if it ever rang while she was away. Whatever it was, I didn't want to risk getting her in trouble.

 

Bowling with my parents had been predictably uncomfortable. It was one of those glow-in-the-dark ones, and everyone else was either parents with their actually-children children or kids my age who were using this as an excuse to feel each other up. I felt bitter with envy for both groups.

 

When bowling got boring (because my mom doesn't know when to lose so everyone can have fun-and she insisted on bowling for three hours), we'd moved over to the mini-arcade attached to the alley, and my dad proceeded to spend $50 trying to win me a $20 gift card from the claw machine.

 

“I really thought I had it the fifth or sixth time,” my dad said as we walked out to our car. “If I'd just had a few more tries-”

 

“It was rigged, Spence,” my mom said. She'd been saying it from the first try, and she was totally right.

 

“The claw wasn't built to be able to pick up anything but the little plastic balls that had those crappy bracelets and rings in them,” I said to him. We got in the car, and my dad started driving. “Don't feel bad.”

 

“But there were a few times that I got it to grab the card for a second or two.”

 

“And you should be proud of yourself,” my mom said. “I'm sure most people couldn't even manage that.”

 

“I just wanted to win something for you, kiddo,” my dad said, flashing me a sincere smile through the rear-view mirror. I wanted to be able to match it, but all I could manage was pulling up one of the corners of my mouth. I saw my dad's smile drop a little bit, so I forced mine to be bigger.

 

This was a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. I thought that I would just be able to hate them, but they kept being the same goofy, lovable people that they'd always been. I wanted to be able to love them like I had, but I couldn't trust them anymore. I just couldn't have them figure that out...or figure out that I was lying about Jeremy and camp.

 

I needed to start acting happier...which would be easier once I heard from Sara.

 

As we all walked into our house after picking up some Chinese take-out, my phone started to ring. I almost dropped all of the food as I scrambled to pull my phone out of my pocket.

 

“Tegan, careful!” my dad said as he and my mom tried to grab bags from me. I didn't care. I didn't care if it all fell to the ground if that meant I could answer the phone for Sara.

 

I finally got my hands on it, and I was once again disappointed. It was some random girl from school that I'd hung out with a few times at parties. I declined the call and shoved my phone back in my pocket with a huff. My mom laughed at me.

 

“Expecting Jeremy?” she asked, and I just nodded without a word. “Don't worry, sweetheart. He'll call you. He's probably just busy with his friends and family.”

 

“Yeah, I know,” I said. “I just miss...him.”

 

My mom smiled and hugged me. “That's normal. That's healthy.”

 

I knew that there was an undercurrent to her words. It was normal and healthy _because it means you like a boy like a real girl should._ I just set down the bags that my parents hadn't taken and started plating food. We ate dinner, chatting here and there. I said as little as I could without seeming rude. I ate half the food and snuck off to my room.

 

The next morning, I woke up to my phone ringing, and I was sure that it was Sara. It was Saturday. Officially the weekend. Picking up my phone from my bedside table, I punched my mattress when Jeremy's name came across the caller ID.

 

“Hello?” I answered.

 

“Not a morning person?” he asked, and I felt bad. He sounded sick.

 

“No, I'm not, but I'm sorry for snapping. You alright?”

 

“One or ten too many last night,” he said. “I'm fine, though. Just plan on taking it easy today.”

 

“Good idea,” I said. “What's up?”

 

“Just checking in. I've seen all my fake friends, now. Figured I could make a little time for a real one.” I smiled to myself as he kept talking. “My parents and I did the tour of all their colleagues and associates. I had lots of delicious food and amazing hard liquor, and I completely lied about how camp was and told them all about you. They're all dying to meet you, by the way, so you might get invited to a party or two before I run off to school.”

 

“Joy,” I said without any in my voice. “How's your boyfriend?”

 

“Haven't seen him yet. We're planning on something in the next couple of weeks or so. How's Sara?”

 

“She's...alive...as of Wednesday when I got home,” I said. “I haven't heard anything since.”

 

“I'm sure she's fine. Her dad is a pastor. They're probably praying over her, like, 24/7 right now. Or thanking God for her recovery.” He got quiet for a second before saying, “Sara's life is very...unfortunate.”

 

“You don't even know,” I said.

 

“I understand your worry, but you need to find something to fill your time outside of stressing about Sara. Get back into your routine.”

 

He was right. I needed to figure out what I was going to do next year. I needed to get back to playing and writing music. I needed to...well, I wasn't really interested in any of my old friends, so I needed to work on the new friendships I was building and would build. I would drive myself crazy if I was always worrying about Sara.

 

“Good advice. Are you following it yourself?”

 

“Are you kidding? I'm drinking and drinking and eating and drinking until I pass out. I'm so hung over right now that I'm questioning if I'm still drunk.”

 

“I'm sorry,” I said.

 

“It's fine. I'm allowing myself this time, then I'm straightening out...figuratively speaking. Becoming an alcoholic at 18 really isn't conducive to success. I'll get back into it sometime next week, but for now, I'm doing what I need to do to not feel like shit.”

 

I felt sorry for and jealous of him. What I wouldn't do for a drink right now...

 

“So are your plans to drink yourself into a stupor all weekend?” I asked.

 

“No,” he said. “Just half of it. The other half is recovery and food. Comfort food. Nothing has been sitting on my stomach right since camp.”

 

“Same,” I said. “But fuck if I'm going to stop eating. Any time my parents offer, I say yes, and I usually eat it all.”

 

“It's terrible,” Jeremy said with a laugh. “I'll probably gain 40 pounds...which should get me right back to where I was at the beginning of the summer, which would actually be awesome. How much did you lose?”

 

“I don't even weight myself. I never really have. I know it was a lot.” I got out of my bed and looked at myself in the mirror. Bones were showing that never had before. It didn't look like I was dying or anything, but it definitely looked like one of those girls that people assumed were at the beginning of an eating disorder.

 

That didn't bother me, though. It was my face. My eyes were heavier. My skin was dry and pale in a gray-ish sort of way. My lips were chapped...I'd noticed it all as soon as I got back from camp and really looked at myself in the mirror in my “home” environment. I almost didn't recognize myself, but I knew it was me. I threw on some clothes for the day and couldn't help but notice that they didn't fit me like they used to. I sat back down on my bed.

 

“That's probably for the best. The numbers just make you feel worse. Although, I guess there are a lot of people that would kill to lose weight like this.”

 

I sighed. “I know. That's awful.”

 

“Alright, this is going to a sad place,” he said. “I think that we should plan to meet up soon. We only live, like, 20 minutes away from each other. Half an hour max. I could pick you up and pay for everything.”

 

“You don't have to-”

 

“It's not because I think it's what I'm supposed to do as the boyfriend, but because my parents are giving me money left and right.”

 

“Well, when you put it that way, absolutely,” I said. “I need to find out how short my leash is going to be, and then I'll get back to you on that.”

 

“Your parents can't deny me time with my girlfriend,” he said. “I might die. _We_ might die.”

 

I laughed. “Yeah, that's probably the angle I'll be taking. I'm trying to ease into it.”

 

I heard a knock on the door, and this time, my dad waited for me to call him before he walked in.

 

“Hey, are you talking to somebody?” my dad asked.

 

“Just Jeremy,” I answered. “He's calling to say hi.”

 

“Oh, alright,” he said. “Just wanted to ask if you wanted to stay in today. It's a little hot outside, and I know you hate the heat. We have Netflix, Hulu Plus, Amazon Prime, a giant TV, a fridge full of food, a freezer full of ice cream, and an excellent central A/C system. That sound good?”

 

It would be heaven if I were alone or with Sara. “That sounds great. I'm just gonna finish up here, and I'll be right out, okay?”

 

My dad nodded. “I'll make breakfast. Waffles with fruit and flavored syrup sound good?”

 

He knew it was one of my favorite breakfast foods. I knew he was trying to bribe me into happiness and forgiveness. I think he knew that things weren't right more than he let on. I nodded to his question, and he smiled and backed out of the room.

 

“That's gotta be tough,” Jeremy said in my ear.

 

“What?”

 

“Well, my parents and I know how our relationship works. We love each other, but it's not like we'll say it. It's not in a real, genuine way. More in a social-requirement way, but it works for us. When I came back, I knew that everything would be the same, because them shipping me off didn't change our relationship at all. Your parents...they love you. They did this _because_ they love you. That makes this so much worse. So much more complicated., because they think it's okay for everything to be the same.”

 

I closed my eyes. Even Jeremy thought my life sucked.

 

“I'm figuring it out,” I said.

 

“Alright, well, I have to let you go. I have a party to go to in an hour, and I haven't even showered. Take care of yourself, Tegan.”

 

“Thanks, Jeremy. 'Bye.” I hung up my phone. I checked to make sure that I hadn't gotten any calls or messages during my call that I hadn't noticed, but there was nothing. It was Saturday. I didn't think she would really have a chance to talk on Sunday, since her parents were the type to spend all day at church. I spent my day with my parents, watching cheesy movies and checking my phone for any signs from Sara. When the sky started to get dark, I got the sinking feeling that I wasn't going to hear from her.

 

What did this mean? Were her parents watching her too closely for her to get in contact? Had they found out and convinced her to stop talking to me? Had they found out and...done worse? Had she just decided that I wasn't worth the trouble? That it wasn't worth trying this hard for a girl that she met over the summer?

 

It didn't make any sense. That didn't stop me from thinking it obsessively for the entire day.

 

Sara was simultaneously the most difficult person I'd ever dealt with and too good to be true. Of course someone like that would eventually decide that I wasn't worth working for. She'd lost interest in me, or if she was interested, it wasn't enough to overcome the oppression of her parents. That, I could understand, but that didn't make it hurt any less.

 

Part of me knew I was working myself up. Sara not calling me one time didn't mean that she was leaving me forever. I was just so afraid of it...since I'd met her, I'd felt like I couldn't lose her. Almost like we were supposed to find each other. It sounded like a cliché, but it was true. I wanted her in my life so badly that it felt like a necessity.

 

I went to bed half convinced that I'd been forgotten, half knowing that Sara would get back to me when she could, either tomorrow or next week. She would have her reasons for her delay if it was after Sunday.

 

I barely slept.

 

The next day in church, I could barely keep my eyes open. Early mornings in chapel had taught me how to sleep without getting caught, but I couldn't even do that. Every time I'd start to fall asleep, a thought of Sara would jolt me awake. My parents kept looking at me, concerned, but I just shook my head and smiled and sat back up in my seat.

 

The pastor closed the sermon with, “Let us give prayer to the sinners. The sinners who are strong enough to fight. The sinners who are strong enough to change. The sinners who need strength to be like the rest of us just so easily are: normal. These people do not deserve our hate, as they now have realized that they are wrong. They are working on fixing themselves.” He looked at me. “They deserve our pity. They deserve our support in their efforts to change. And they deserve our congratulations when they overcome. Let us pray for them.”

 

Everyone dropped their heads, but I stared at the cross behind the pastor. If their God was real, he was a prick, and I wanted nothing to do with him.

 

My mom and dad decided that for our last day, we'd go on a shopping spree with no spending limit (my dad told me to “be reasonable, though” several times). Our town was full of all the major stores, plus a few awesome hole-in-the-walls, and I wasn't about to turn down a new wardrobe and music stuff. If I had to act like everything was fine, I was allowed to take advantage of my parents' wallets.

 

About an hour into shopping, my dad got a phone call. He looked at the caller ID and groaned.

 

“Church business. This'll take a while. You guys go ahead, and I'll call you when I'm done.” He answered his phone and walked off.

 

“Everything alright?” I asked.

 

“I'm sure,” my mom said. “Your dad got a new volunteer assistant to manage the church's finances, since he's been so busy at the accounting firm, and the guy is pretty useless. He probably just lost a paper or deleted an e-mail or something.”

 

I nodded. We dropped into silence. My mom and I didn't have the easiest relationship. It wasn't bad, it just was...uncomfortable at times. We didn't have much in common, so we'd just have these long, awkward pauses before she'd end up going on some long speech about how I should be more serious about my education if I wanted to have a real job. It's not like we could talk about boys. The few times she'd tried, my complete lack of interest had discouraged her.

 

I was bracing myself for whatever was going to come out of her mouth when she said, “You really like him, don't you?”

 

“Who?”

 

“Jeremy. You seem to really like him. Your face...that camp obviously took its toll, but I can see in your eyes that you're happier than you have been in a while.”

 

I felt annoyed that she was so eager to talk about my love life, but only if it was with a boy. Only if it fell into her strict rules of what a relationship was supposed to be like at my age. If she knew the look in my eyes was from Sara and not Jeremy, she would avoid this subject like she usually did. Still...it felt sort of nice being asked these things. It felt nice to see her get this excited talking about this stuff.

 

I'd never chased my mother's approval, but I didn't hate it. I always wanted to talk about this kind of stuff, but it seemed that I had very few people to really talk to or ask for advice. I decided to just switch the pronouns for once and talk to my mom.

 

“I do,” I said. “He...he's so difficult, but in a good way. He's still fighting a lot of internal stuff, so we didn't get along at first, but a little time with him showed me he's kind, and I lo...like him a lot. He's a truly decent person despite the fact that his parents are garbage.”

 

“Tegan, you probably shouldn't talk about them that way,” she said. “But I understand what you're saying.”

 

“He's really amazing. Great sense of humor...actually, he's really good with his words. Poetic, even.”

 

“He sounds like a good kid,” she said, putting her arm around me. “And like I said, it's obvious you like him. I can tell that you're getting yourself ready for an uphill battle, and you probably should.”

 

“Thanks,” I said, laughing a little. “Really encouraging.”

 

“I'm just saying that relationships are work. You're young, so there's a good chance that this may not be the end-all-be-all for you, but it may be something really special. Something you can hold onto for the rest of your life. Who knows? Maybe he is your future. The point is that as long as you feel like it's worth it, you should work for it. When you don't, walk away. Don't stress yourself over it.”

 

“It's just...I get afraid sometimes. Our relationship won't be easy for a while, you know? I get afraid he'll stop trying.”

 

“Because you're both...recovering? You think he'll revert?”

 

I sighed in frustration. I could never really talk about this stuff with her. Still, this was as close as I'd been to relaxed since I'd gotten back, and it wasn't worth sacrificing that feeling to get into a fight with my mom that wouldn't solve anything.“Yeah. That's what I mean.”

 

“Don't worry about that. You'll be able to keep his attention.” She meant it as a compliment, so I decided to just take it as one.

 

My dad called and met back up with us a few minutes later. We drove over to a few stores that were near my high school. As we were walking up the sidewalk, about to head home, my parents saw another couple from church, and I knew we'd be standing there for a while. I started looking around, re-familiarizing myself with the street I'd gone up and down to school for four years.

 

I looked into the coffee shop and saw Lindsey working at the counter. I shouldn't have been surprised. Just because I hadn't been around in a while didn't mean that everything had changed, but it was still jarring to see her wiping down tables and taking orders. I wondered how she'd been. I didn't feel mad at her for what she'd done. If she hadn't, I wouldn't have met Sara. I tapped my mom on the shoulder.

 

“I'm feeling a little tired. Mind if I grab some coffee?”

 

My mom nodded and handed me her card. “Get something for us, too. We won't be too long.”

 

I knew that meant I had at least 20 minutes. When I walked into the shop, Lindsey was turned around, making someone else's drink.

 

“Hey, I'll be with you in just a sec,” she said without turning to face me.

 

“Take your time,” I said, and she finished making the drink. When she turned and handed it to the guy waiting at the counter, she caught my eye and smiled. She took off her apron and walked to me.

 

“Tegan!” she said, throwing her arms around me.

 

“My parents are outside,” I said, and she jumped away. “It's okay. They don't know you work here, and they aren't coming in. Give me two black coffees and something sweet for me, please.”

 

“Coming up,” she said, putting her apron back on and starting on the drinks. “It's good to see you. I'm glad you made it out of there okay.”

 

“Me, too. It wasn't easy.”

 

“They didn't get in your head, did they?” she asked, and I shook my head. “I'm still so sorry for how I reacted.”

 

“Don't worry about it,” I said. “Seriously.”

 

She looked down at the counter, but quickly looked back to me. “How are things with your parents, now? Did they come around?”

 

“I'm in the closet again,” I told her. “Just trying to figure out where I want to go, and then I'm getting the hell out of here. Goodbye, outside of a call on holidays, Mom and Dad.”

 

“I'm so sorry. Maybe they just need some time.”

 

“Maybe. Doesn't mean it doesn't suck now.” I had flashes of memories of jumping up on the counter and kissing Lindsey on the cheek. I missed those moments. Not because they were spent with Lindsey, but because they were before I got the baggage of that camp. “Thanks for letting me vent.”

 

“No problem. Honestly, I thought you would be mad at me for a lot longer than this,” she said. “I left you to get sent away.”

 

“That's part of why I came in here. I want you to know that I'm okay with everything. You didn't know that would happen. Hell, I didn't know that would happen. While I wasn't thrilled to find out that you'd played me-”

 

“It wasn't like that,” she said, and I put my hand up.

 

“I'm allowed to take a cheap shot or two, considering how cool I'm being about you taking my virginity while you had a boyfriend and, like you just mentioned, leaving me to get sent away.”

 

She opened and closed her mouth a few times before saying, “Fair. Go on.”

 

“The point is that we're really fine. I hold no grudges. That place was terrible, but it wasn't all bad, and it wasn't your fault.”

 

She looked at me sideways as she put my drinks into a carrier. “Okay, I appreciate all this forgiveness, and I'm hoping we can be friends and all that, but what gives?”

 

“What do you mean?” I asked.

 

“I mean either you're a saint, or you got something out of that camp. Plus, you look a little bit like hell, but you've got a bounce in your step. Did you-” Her eye lit up. “Did you meet someone in that place?”

 

“Lindsey, I don't know if I want to talk about that with you.”

 

“Oh, you don't have to give me all the details. I know we're not there, yet. Just...give me a little something.” She was grinning ear to ear. “Please?”

 

I sighed. “Yes. I met someone.”

 

She smiled and clapped a few times. “What's she like? What's she look like?”

 

I smiled a little bit and said, “Her name is Sara. Brown hair, longer than mine. Heart-shaped face. Strong jaw. Right around my height. Quiet, but not if you piss her off. We're still learning each other. Camp was sort of...intense for us, but she gets me, and I get her. That's all I'm giving you.”

 

“Tegan, she sounds great. I'm really happy for you...but know that I'll be asking for more details later.”

 

I smiled then grabbed my drinks. “Alright, yeah, I know.” I motioned toward the window where my parents were standing. “I have to go before they come for me. You have my number.”

 

“I do. I'm glad you stopped by, Tegan. Here, I'll throw in some coffee cakes for you guys.”

 

“Thanks,” I said sincerely. “And I'm glad I stopped by, too.”

 

We smiled at each other, and I walked out. My parents talked to their friends for another ten minutes before we finally walked off and headed home. We all worked together to make our last dinner before my parents went back to work and I...well, I didn't know what I was going to do.

 

And, of course, it came up at dinner.

 

“This has been so nice, having these days together,” my mom said.

 

“Wish we didn't have to go back,” my dad replied. I tried to melt into my chair, but my mom turned to me anyway.

 

“What are your plans, Tegan? I don't know if you've missed orientations or anything for school, but I'm sure there are make-ups you can do. Have you looked into that at all?”

 

“I haven't really looked into anything,” I said around a bite of food. I chewed and swallowed. “We didn't really have the internet at camp.”

 

“Well the last couple of days-”

 

“Were for her to have a break,” my dad said.

 

“I know. I know that she needed a break, but she needs to start thinking about her future.”

 

The thought of trying to go to college in a week or two made me sick. Even if I did end up going to school, it couldn't be now.

 

“I'm thinking of taking a quarter off,” I said. “Just to clear my head. I think I'll burn out if I go right in.”

 

Both of my parents looked uncomfortable, but my mom looked like she was in disbelief. I kept eating.

 

“Tegan, I know you feel overwhelmed, but as soon as you take time off, you probably won't go back,” my dad said. I held back the 'so what?' that wanted to come out of my mouth. “You need to think about your future.”

 

“I am. I go now, I definitely end up flunking out.”

 

“We can support you,” my mom said. “Give you everything you need to be able to go back right away.”

 

“What I need is to not have to go back right away,” I said.

 

“I think maybe this isn't the best time to discuss this,” my dad said. “Maybe once we're back in the swing of things, we can come back to this.”

 

“Alright,” my mom said. “Then what do you plan on doing while we're at work? Nothing?”

 

“I don't know,” I said. “Maybe for a day or two.”

 

“Also not worth discussing right now,” my dad said. “Sharon, just stop.”

 

“I do this because I want you to think about these things,” my mom said.

 

“I do,” I said. “I've just had other things on my mind the last couple of months.”

 

We all got quiet and finished our dinners. My dad got up and went to grab our dessert.

 

“I'm sorry,” my mom said. “I know I'm all over the place. I feel...guilty for not being more hands-on in your life. I don't know when to push harder and when to back off. I'm just...I never expected to have to deal with this. I never thought my kid would have to deal with this. I just want to help you.”

 

What was I supposed to do with that? Thank her?

 

My dad brought out cheesecake, and I ate in near silence as they talked about work. As soon as I could, I went to my room. I pulled out my guitar and tried to write for a few hours, but my head was a mess. Sara hadn't called. It was technically Monday, and Sara hadn't called. I finally went to bed, ending my day as I had many in my recent past: crying.

 

As soon as I started to drift off, I heard my phone buzzing on my bedside table.

 

“Hello?” I asked, half asleep.

 

“I'm sorry it's so late,” the voice on the other line said. “We don't have to talk long.”

 

I smiled and sat up in my bed. “No, Sara. I'm fine. We can talk.”

 

 


	22. Chapter 22

“I'm sorry it's so late. We don't have to talk long.”

 

“No, Sara. I'm fine. We can talk.”

 

“Good,” she said, and I could barely hear her, but she sounded surprisingly happy. “Hi.”

 

“Hey,” I said, trying not to cry. I'd just gotten myself to stop, and my head was starting to hurt. “How have you been? Are you okay? Your parents-”

 

“My parents are believing everything. I'm alright,” she said. “You?”

 

“Yeah, mine bought it, too,” she said. “I think. They've at least stuck their heads in the sand. They made me hang out with them a little, but that's about it.”

 

“Good. I was so worried.” I couldn't imagine how she had room to worry for me when her life was the way that it was. “I've spent most of my time at home or at my dad's church praying.”

 

“Why? What have you been praying about?” I asked. She'd said they bought it, but I was still afraid for her.

 

“My recovery. Praying for it to last,” she said. “I'm being forced to talk to other kids who have been through camps. Some of them have horror stories. A lot worse than ours.”

 

“I'm sure. At least we were just deprived of food and emotionally manipulated...outside of Johnny and Mike,” I said, not even trying to hide the bitterness and lingering fear in my voice. “Sad to think we got off easy.”

 

“My parents are using me to show a successful recovery. They've already recommended a few other parents send their kids to camps...places that are worse than Exodus. Places where kids are saying they were all but tortured.. My parents are saying they've been compassionate with how they've treated me.”

 

“What? How? How are those assho-” I caught myself. Sara still loved them, somehow. “-people compassionate?”

 

“I suppose since they let me try to fix it myself. Let me choose a 'soft' camp. My dad keeps calling it that, saying that the only reason it worked was because of my strong upbringing in their home and their close relationship with God.” I could hear her voice starting to crack.

 

“I'm sorry,” I said. “That's horrible.”

 

“It's fine. I'm fine.” I heard her clear her throat a little. “I don't really want to talk about it. I mostly just want to talk to you. I'm glad to hear your voice. I miss you.”

 

“I miss you, too,” I said back, fine with the subject change, if she needed it. “I keep expecting you to be there when I wake up. Sitting at the desk or cuddling with me.”

 

“I know. I turn over, and it takes me a few seconds for me to remember that your bed isn't there,” she said. “How have you been? Not just in an 'are you alive?' kind of way.”

 

“Not great, but it could be worse,” I said honestly. “My parents are trying to act like nothing happened, and it's driving me crazy.”

 

“What have you told them?” she asked me.

 

“Nothing, really. The most they know about camp was that it was hard and I started dating Jeremy, and one of those things is a lie.” She laughed a little, and I smiled. “What have you told yours?”

 

“They haven't really asked,” she said. “I'm sure they're not that interested as long as it worked. They're watching me closely. I don't know how long that will last.”

 

“Not forever,” I said.

 

“Yeah, probably not,” she said. “If I'm quiet, they tend to stop paying attention until I get in trouble again...or try to change again.”

 

“I'm sorry,” I said. “Has...has it at least gotten better? Like, they seemed proud of you at camp.”

 

“They are. Thursday and Friday, we did a lot of family praying for my well being, and they made me a nice dinner and let me have...let me have a full plate.” I could always hear it when Sara realized in the middle of a sentence that something she was about to say wasn't normal parent behavior. “They were happy with me. The weekend was mostly about church.”

 

“Yeah, you said.” I felt so bad for her. I wished that I could just get her out. “What are your plans for next week?”

 

“Well, Samantha is back in the morning. She did really well at her camp. All sorts of medals and stuff. We'll probably spend most of the week doing whatever she wants to do, which is usually shopping sprees or amusement parks or something. Probably won't get invited if it's something big, which means time home alone outside of the maid. She's been told to watch me, though.”

 

“Of course,” I said, rolling my eyes. “You don't sound sad, though.”

 

“I don't mind staying home. Now that I have you, I don't have to sneak out to the bars and clubs anymore. And as far as my sister goes, I'm hoping that she doesn't suddenly want to bond, and that she just does her own thing like usual. I like the free time, and it might mean I can make a few extra calls to you.”

 

“In that case, I'm thrilled. I have very few plans for my near future.”

 

“You're not going to school?” she asked me.

 

“I don't know,” I said. “I don't think so. Not right now. You aren't disappointed, are you?”

 

“Not at all,” she said. “Do you want to do anything instead?”

 

I shrugged to myself. “I guess try to get going playing music. I've done an open mic here and there, but I never had enough time to take it seriously. If I want to take it seriously, I need to get a move-on while I'm young.”

 

“You've still never played for me,” she said. I could hear her smile, and I laughed a little.

 

“I will,” I said. “Give me some time to get back into it. I probably sound like shit right now.”

 

“I like your voice just talking. I'm sure I'd love it singing,” she said without missing a beat. I was glad she wasn't here to see me blush.

 

“I really don't want you to build this up in your head. I write shitty songs on the guitar.”

 

“Ah, I thought you said you didn't write anything,” she said. “Lying this early in the relationship?”

 

“Besides calling me, any other plans for your free time?” I asked her.

 

“Really think you can change the subject that easily, do you?”

 

“Fine, I write music, and I promise to play it for you eventually. Now tell me your plans.”

 

She chuckled a little more before answering, “I don't even know what to do. I've always let my parents plan my future. They were probably planning on sending me to community college until I brought an acceptable boy home. Or until they found me one if I was taking too long on my own. All I used to do was pray, cry, imagine being with girls, try to force myself to imagine being with boys, and pray some more. At night, sometimes, I went out. I didn't do anything else.”

 

“Well, maybe you can spend your time figuring that stuff out,” I said. “Get online. Watch TV or read books or start a blog or whatever. I can give you my Netflix password.”

 

“I don't have a TV in my room, and I don't have a computer,” she said. “I check my e-mail at the library.”

 

“What about your phone?” I asked.

 

“What about my phone? I got it at a discount kiosk at the mall when I was fourteen. It doesn't even have a keyboard.”

 

I shook my head. “Okay, if you're going to have a secret phone, you might as well go all out, Sara. Get a smartphone. One with all the coolest shit in it. At least get one with a decent data plan. Or data at all, since you apparently have a phone from 1992.”

 

“I bought it on a whim. I barely use it.”

 

“Doesn't change my point, and we both know you'll be using it more now.” She didn't respond for a second, so I added, “I can pay, if you want. I know this stuff gets expensive, and I've got some money saved.”

 

She laughed. “No, no, I can get one on my own. I just don't even know what to look for.”

 

“I'll help you...from here...somehow. I guess I could e-mail you links, and you could look at them at the library. I wish we could see each other.”

 

“I'd offer to sneak out, but I don't want to risk you getting caught,” she said.

 

“What about you?” I asked. “You could get caught.”

 

“I have a lot more experience sneaking out than you do. It's less likely my parents find out than yours,” she said. I could make the argument that her parents would react a lot worse than mine if they did find out, but that didn't seem productive in the moment.

 

“Well, I doubt my parents would let me go hang out with you, so if you don't want to risk me going out on my own, it's a no-go. As much as they want to believe camp worked, I think they know something isn't quite right, you know? Me hanging around you is just going to bring all my gay out, and they'll know it's you.”

 

I heard her trying to hold back from laughing too hard. I felt sad as I realized she had to be quiet to keep her parents from hearing, but I was happy that she was laughing at all. It was a sound that I wanted to hear more as Sara got more comfortable with herself.

 

We talked for a bit, joking around and catching each other up on everything we'd been through. I told her about Jeremy and my parents breathing down my neck. She told me more about her parents and how she had to be more careful now that she wasn't buying all this anymore. It was really nice, just getting to chat like this. When things were good with us, it was so incredibly easy and fun. It was worth all the crap we'd been through, and it was worth all we'd have to go through.

 

“So...I saw Lindsey,” I said after about an hour of talking. I'd debated not telling her, but I wanted to be honest. Besides, I was sort of into the idea of hanging out with Lindsey. Outside of the fact that she totally mishandled our thing, she was a really cool person to hang out with, and we had a lot in common. I didn't want it to be a problem with Sara, though.

 

“What? How?” she asked, and I could tell she was a little concerned.

 

“I went to the coffee shop,” I said. “It wasn't like to meet up with her or anything. I just saw she was working and stopped in. Figured it would be good for closure, and so things wouldn't be awkward if I saw her around.”

 

“Oh,” she said. “Okay. How did it go?”

 

“Well. I mean, it's not like I want to go running back. It's almost weird that I was ever into her. She was so obviously not going to be the person I ended up with. Still, I do like her. I think...I think she could be a good friend for me, though. Someone out here.” Sara didn't say anything right away, so I added, “If it's okay with you. Nothing will happen either way, but I understand if it freaks you out.”

 

“No, you need friends out there,” she said. “I know Jeremy doesn't live near you. You need people to talk to that you can confide in. You really don't seem interested anymore, and I trust you.”

 

I smiled to myself. “Thanks for understanding. I really am over her.”

 

“I know,” she said. “I know that you love me.”

 

My smile got bigger. “I really do. You know, though, you need some friends, too. Maybe someone else at your church?”

 

“The people that go to my church do not raise abnormal children. Even when they do, they just threaten their kids until they act like everyone else so they don't seem abnormal. I wouldn't even know who was faking from who was going to run to my parents saying that I hadn't been cured of my deviance.”

 

I sighed in frustration. “Fuck, I hate your people. All of them. I'm sorry, but I do.”

 

“It's fine,” she said. “You don't have to like them.”

 

“Well, as soon as you get out of that hellhole, I'm finding you friends. People who will like you. Not as much as I do, but they'll like you a lot.”

 

“Okay,” she said so quietly I wouldn't have heard had my house been otherwise silent. “We'll figure it out, right?”

 

It was in the form of a question because she didn't quite believe it. It was good that she was asking, though, because it meant that she hadn't given up, yet.

 

“Yeah, Sara,” I answered. “I swear, we will make this work, and I will help you figure out your life.”

 

“Thank you, Tegan,” she said.

 

“No problem,” I said through a yawn, and I heard Sara giggle.

 

“You're getting tired, aren't you?”

 

“Please don't hang up,” I said. “I don't want to hang up. You can just talk to me in my sleep.”

 

“I'll call again,” she said.

 

“When?” I asked. “I mean, I know you have other things going on, but-”

 

“I get it,” she said. “Waiting by the phone sucks. That's why I sort of made a plan. Sundays, my dad is usually busy. We either end up hanging around the church, or my mom takes me and my sister home. I can call or text then. It'll be between 1 and 2? Other than that, I'll call when I can, but don't worry if you don't catch me.”

 

“When do I know it's okay to text you back?” I asked. “I don't want to get you in trouble.”

 

“I'll only text you to call me, and I'll tell you...a time window or something,” she said. “I've been trying to think of things. Things so we can talk. I'm making an effort.”

 

“I can tell,” I said with a smile.

 

“I miss being able to talk to you,” she said. “I miss lots of things about having you around, and a big one is not being able to talk to you whenever things are getting hard.”

 

“I'll be here when I can be,” I said. “But I know what you mean. I got used to having you always be there for me, too.”

 

“I never felt like I was helping you,” she said. “It was always the other way around.”

 

“You've shown me what real strength is with the way that you've been able to survive your life at all. You've taught me to think about things more. Think about myself more. Think about others more. Just...I guess this sort of sounds like I'm saying you taught me how to think.”

 

She laughed. “I think I get what you're saying.”

 

“And...um...” I almost didn't add what I was thinking, but I felt it needed to be said. “Our sex...you helped me figure out things that I liked that I don't think I would have ever allowed myself to try. If I had, it might have been with someone that took advantage of me. It means a lot to me that you only pushed me as far as I could go, and that you're so open to all of this stuff.”

 

She got quiet for a few seconds, and I got scared that I'd said something wrong. It was so easy to spook her I knew it wouldn't always be like this, but it was hard to deal with, not knowing if something I said would throw her into a destructive personal spiral.

 

“Have you missed it?” she asked me after a few seconds.

 

“What?” I was caught off guard. “Missed what, exactly?”

 

“Have you missed me touching you, Tegan?”

 

Hearing her voice drop was somehow even sexier over the less-than-great reception of the phone.

 

“Of course I have,” I said. If I hadn't before, I certainly did now. Sara had that way of instantly making my mind go into the gutter. Maybe it was all the orgasms she'd given me. “It's hard to go from having you all the time to being on my own.”

 

“On your own?” she asked. “Have you touched yourself since you've gotten home?”

 

“No,” I said honestly. “I haven't had the chance. Even if I had, it's not like I can do to myself what you can do to me. I still have the marks from the last time.” I traced the ones on my stomach with my finger as I talked to her. “Have you touched yourself?”

 

“No. I've barely had a minute alone, and when I go to bed, I'm usually asleep pretty fast right now,” she said. I heard her take a few deep breaths. “Don't get me wrong, Tegan. I miss everything about you, but not being able to fuck you is going to be the hardest part.”

 

“I don't doubt that,” I said. “I know how much you love touching me. You need your hands on me as often as possible.” I hoped she heard the smirk in my voice.

 

“I think you needed it just as much.”

 

“Who fucked who first?” I asked. “Who bent who over a desk?”

 

“You wouldn't be nearly as cocky if I were there to wrap my hand around your throat.”

 

“I...fuck, Sara.” I ran my hand ran along my neck, wishing it were Sara's. Wishing she were here to squeeze and tell me how much I loved it.

 

“What are you wearing?” she asked me, all of the joking and friendliness from moments before gone from her voice. I never understood how she could switch gears that fast (or how she could make _me_ switch gears so fast), but I was glad for it.

 

“Black t-shirt and blue shorts.”

 

“Underwear?” she asked.

 

“No,” I answered in a hurry, running my hand down to the waistband of my shorts. I was thinking how I hoped she wouldn't make me tease myself (too much), then I heard a knock on my bedroom door. I shoved the phone into the mattress and yelled, “Yeah?”

 

“Tegan,” my dad said through the door. “Tegan, are you talking?”

 

“Uh...no!” I called in a mild panic. What had he heard? “It's just my TV! I'll turn it down!”

 

“Well, shut it off and head to bed. It's really late, and we have to work,” he said, and I rolled my eyes. I still lived at home, but I felt like being an adult meant that I at least got to pick when I stopped watching TV at night. I'd had that right before I'd even turned 18. I wondered if my dad knew that I was lying and was just giving me an out so he didn't have to deal with it. We used to be able to talk.

 

Another way that things weren't quite right anymore.

 

I picked the phone back up and whispered into the receiver, “I have to go. My dad can hear me.”

 

I heard her groan. “Fine.”

 

“I'm sorry.”

 

“It's alright. I know it's not your fault. I'll try to call some time this week, but I'll at least text by Sunday.”

 

“Okay,” I whispered.

 

“Tegan?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“I'm glad you're so open, too,”she said. “The being...the being gay thing is hard enough to deal with. The sex I like is...it's not for everyone. It's sort of fucked up.”

 

“You never cross lines. You fall over yourself apologizing when you're even a mile within the line. You've only started things twice. Once you asked, and once was the first time, where I gave you pretty much every indication that I wanted you to fuck me. I all but offered right before.”

 

“Still-”

 

“Still nothing,” I said. “It's not fucked up. It's different, but it's not fucked up. Don't call yourself fucked up.”

 

I was pretty sure that I heard her start crying over the phone.

 

“I love you,” she said on her end, only a slight waver in her voice, and I smiled.

 

“I love you, too.”

 

“Can't wait to talk again. Goodnight, Tegan. Hope you have...amazing dreams.”

 

It was amazing to me. Even when she was crying, she was flirting.

 

“You too, horndog. Sleep tight.” I hung up the phone, knowing that if I let it go on too long, my dad would hear again. I thought about trying to get myself off, but I almost wanted to wait until I could do it with Sara. I didn't care if she touched herself. I couldn't help but imagine her touching herself, wishing that I'd just had a few more minutes on the phone...

 

My dreams were filled with Sara...tying me to the bed...running her nails up and down my torso...biting my inner thighs...slapping my ass...telling me over and over that she loved me...

 

 


	23. Chapter 23

“Do you ever have those days where you just want to break everything you own out of boredom?”

 

There was a long silence on the other end of the phone before Jeremy finally said, “Tegan, you need to get laid. Or at least get out.”

 

I sighed. “You're right...about both.”

 

“I'm right about everything,” he said. “Stop being surprised.”

 

I laughed. This had been what I'd been doing for the last three weeks. I'd get a call from Jeremy a couple days a week, and a call from Sara on Sundays. Other than that, I'd watched TV and stared at the ceiling (all from my bed), and it was driving me crazy.

 

That was what I'd been complaining about to Jeremy for the last hour, and he continued to essentially tell me to get a life.

 

“I don't even know what to do with myself. Sara and I barely get any time to talk. I'm not in school. My parents are hovering 24/7. There's nowhere to play around here-”

 

“Where did you used to play?” he asked me. “Before camp and all that bullshit, where did you go?”

 

“One night events here and there,” I said. “Coffee shops or school stuff. There's nowhere in town that has an open mic schedule or anything.”

 

“I should look for a place by me,” he said. “I could drive you.”

 

“We're on the same side, here, but it's not that easy,” I said. “My parents are barely letting me breathe, much less leave the house. If I tried, they'd both start going on and on about how I should be taking this time to get 'back to my old self and be happy again' which really means act like I'm happy so they don't have to know I'm not and go back to school.”

 

“Hence why you want to break things, got it.” I heard him click his tongue in thought a few times before saying, “I'm pretty sure I can take care of this. What time are your parents in?”

 

“Around 6. 6:30 if there's traffic.”

 

“You eat dinner right when they get home?” he asked.

 

“Pretty much. What-”

 

“Alright. Give me until the end of the night.”

 

“What're you gonna do?”

 

“Just trust me,” he said. “And keep your weekend free. Not sure which cards I'll play yet.”

 

“Um...okay?” I had no idea what I was agreeing to, but he hadn't steered me wrong so far...

 

“Good,” he said. “Now I have to go. My parents are back in town, and I'm getting them at the plane.”

 

“Do you have a private jet?” I asked. I was half joking, but you could never be sure with him.

 

“No,” he said, laughing. “We could probably afford one, though. I'll talk to you tonight, Tegan.”

 

“Bye, Jeremy,” I said, hanging up the phone. I sighed and pulled myself out of my bed. I picked up my guitar and strummed it for a while. I wanted to get into the right head space to write something, but nothing came. I hadn't really been able to write anything since camp. It was starting to get annoying, how much camp had completely fucked up my life at the worst possible moment.

 

I spent the entire day trying to figure out what to do, which amounted to hours of YouTube and trivia apps on my phone. I only left my room when my parents called me for dinner.

 

“My secretary is sick at work,” my mom said as we sat at the table. “You don't have to, but-”

 

“Okay, I don't want to,” I said, pushing food around on my plate as my parents finished their food. My parents were trying to cook at home more, like somehow take-out was the reason for all of my faults.

 

“Okay,” my mom said. After a few more seconds she asked, “What have you been up to in your room?”

 

“Resting,” I said.

 

“Is that all?”

 

“Oh, I've also been curing cancer. I forgot to mention.”

 

“Tegan, we're trying,” my dad said.

 

“Trying to do what? Make me uncomfortable? I've been resting. I've been through a lot.”

 

“We know,” my dad said. “Look, I don't want to speak for your mother, but I worry that you're getting...depressed maybe?”

 

I shook my head. How could they figure out I was depressed and not figure out it was their fault? The phone rang before I had a chance to say anything, and my mom went to answer it.

 

“Hello?...Oh, hello, Jeremy! Tegan's actually eating dinner, but-” My mom went quiet for a few seconds before giggling. “You're very sweet.”

 

I laughed a little, and my dad looked over at me. I just said, “He's so cute,” and kept laughing under my breath.

 

After a few more giggles and “uh huh”s from my mom, she finally said, “Oh, no! That's terrible!” There was another pause. “Well, where do you live, sweetheart?...Well, that's not far at all! You can just come to ours. I can give you the address...okay, Tegan can text it to you. Do you need a ride?...Okay, good...no, it's no problem at all. We're glad to help. We'll see you Sunday!”

 

I was completely lost when my mom came back to the table.

 

“That was Jeremy. Poor kid can't find a church around him. Said everything in his town is a little too liberal, so I invited him along with us on Sunday.”

 

“That's a great idea,” my dad said with a smile. “Gives us a chance to get to know him better, and gives him a chance to go to a good church.”

 

“Exactly,” my mom said, then she turned to me. “Plus, I'm sure that you're happy to see him again! I know how hard it is to stay away when you're young and it's all new.”

 

“Yeah, I've missed him a lot,” I said. I felt my phone buzz in my pocket. I checked it in my lap as soon as the conversation shifted away from me.

 

_U and I need to spend crazy amounts of $ on ourselves. Ill talk ur parents into lettin us go out after church. BEHAVE TIL THEN!_

 

I smiled and tucked my phone away.

 

 

“Mom, this is ridiculous.”

 

“I know you don't like wearing them, but-”

 

“It's not that I don't like them,” I said. “It's that this doesn't need to be a huge spectacle. I don't need to wear fancy jewelry to church to impress a boy...that I've already impressed.”

 

My mom and I were standing in my room, looking in the mirror. She was behind me, putting different sets of earrings next to my ears. “This is a little bit special. Aren't you excited to see him for the first time outside of that camp?”

 

“Yeah, Mom, but that doesn't mean that I need to put on a dress and heels. He started liking me the way I always look.”

 

“That wasn't in the real world,” she said. “Don't you want to look cute?”

 

“No,” I said. “No, I don't.”

 

“But why not?”

 

“Just leave it.”

 

“Tegan, I'm not saying that you should have to dress up for your man forever, but it's nice to do right at the beginning,” she said, but she pulled away from me a little. “I understand your point, though.

 

“Really?” I asked, turning to face her.

 

She nodded. “I need to let you have your own relationship. You know Jeremy. You're an adult. I can respect that.”

 

I'd gotten into the habit of chewing the inside of my lip whenever my parents would say something like that. They'd always been the supportive types. My mom is a little overbearing, but tolerable, and my dad just wanted me to be happy. They were still trying to seem that way...even though they'd turned away from me when I needed their support the most. They wanted to act like they were letting me live my life when they'd turned their backs on me the second that I'd tried.

 

“Thank you,” was all I could say as I turned back to the mirror and finished with my hair.

 

“Your father has told me that I'm being too hard on you. I don't mean to upset you, Tegan. I just want to help,” she said with a smile.

 

I was so sick of thanking people for hurting me just because they meant well...or so they wouldn't do it again.

 

“You guys almost ready?” my dad asked at my doorway. “Just wanna make sure we're there on time so Jeremy doesn't get turned around.”

 

I finished up with my hair and walked out passed both of my parents and waited by the car. I was glad that Jeremy would be there this week, if only for the fact that people would stop staring at me like I was waiting to corrupt their daughters as soon as I got the chance. Church had always been boring, but now it was stressful, and my parents were only getting more and more involved. I lost a little more time every Sunday because my dad had to do the church's financial paperwork, or my mom had volunteered for some kids' event.

 

“The youth group is really getting going now,” my dad said as we drove. “Maybe being around kids your own age would make you more comfortable?”

 

“Normal service is fine, thanks.” There was no way I was going to the youth service, where they expected you to volunteer at whatever horrible crap they were doing (granted, it was real charity work a lot of the time, but it was almost negated by all the “hell house” type of shit) and come to church on other days than Sunday. I hadn't gotten sucked into that even when I was doing things for my parents; I wasn't about to let it happen, now.

 

“Well, Jeremy might want to try it out,” he said. “You wouldn't have to, though.”

 

“Although, with you not in school, you might want something to fill your time. Once you've rested up.”

 

“Maybe,” I said. “Not really thinking about that right now.”

 

I found myself questioning if this was going to be my relationship with my parents now. They'd constantly try to push me in one direction or another, and I would deflect. It was just about the only type of conversation that we'd had since I'd left camp.

 

“Alright, well, your father and I are going to a couple's course after service, so it wouldn't hurt to check out some of the youth activities.”

 

“But you don't have to,” my dad said, shooting my mom a look I saw through the rear-view mirror.

 

“No, you don't,” my mom added quickly. “Just figured it would be more fun than sitting in the car or on a bench in the courtyard, but I understand.”

 

I saw my dad smile at her, and I felt my eye twitch. He glanced back at me and frowned.

 

“Tegan, you know we're just trying to be here for you, right?” I heard him say.

 

“Look, we're here,” I replied. The car was still moving when I pushed the door open.

 

“Tegan, Jesus!” my dad yelled, slamming on the breaks.

 

“Dad, this is a parking lot of God. Watch your language.” I got out of the car and looked for Jeremy. It didn't take long for me to find him, leaning against his car and on his phone.

 

It was ridiculous how excited I was to see him. It had been too long without seeing anyone that understood anything about me. He looked up and shot me a smile before running over to me and picking me up in a hug. It took all my willpower not to cry.

 

“I missed you so much!” I said to him.

 

“I missed you, too,” he said as he set me down. He looked over my shoulder and quickly leaned in to give me a peck on the cheek.

 

“You two are so adorable!” my mom said as she walked up to us. “It's nice to see you again, Jeremy.”

 

He walked forward and gave my mom a hug. “You, too!” He stepped back and faced my dad. “And you, sir.”

 

They shook hands as my dad said, “Mr. Quin is fine for now. How have you been?”

 

Jeremy gave him a smile that said that was a privilege instead of an insult. “I've been well. Getting back into the swing of things. I missed some registration dates for school, so I'm going to community college until I can re-apply for the winter.”

 

“That's great!” my mom said. “Good that you're keeping on your feet.”

 

“Oh, I'm trying. Only taking one class at the moment. Just trying to readjust to everything since camp.”

 

“That makes sense,” she said. “Tegan is taking some time off, too. She's still planning on going to school, though.”

 

“Yeah, service is about to start,” I said, walking toward the church pulling Jeremy with me.

 

“You're making my job very hard, you know,” he whispered to me. “I'm trying to be charming, and you're being difficult.”

 

“Fine. I'm sorry,” I said. “They're not your parents.”

 

“I'm trying to break you out for a day, okay? Just don't piss them off.”

 

“Okay,” I said to him. We walked into the church, my parents a little behind us. We sat down near the back, and it felt like every set of eyes turned to us.

 

“Is it usually like this?” Jeremy asked me. His face said relaxed, but he felt a little tense.

 

“It's just because you're here,” I replied. “Sort of. Everyone has been acting weird since I got back, but most of the staring is from-”

 

“Hello, Tegan!”

 

I jumped as someone sat next to me. I felt like it was someone I saw around, but there was no way I'd remember his name.

 

“Hello...sir,” I said, and he laughed a little.

 

“Oh, Harold is fine, Tegan. I've known you since you were a little girl.” He looked passed me. “Who is this handsome young man with you?”

 

“Oh, this is Jeremy,” I said. “He's here to see the church.”

 

“Oh, yes, your parents mentioned you'd be bringing your boyfriend along,” he said. I almost corrected him, but Jeremy spoke up before I had the chance.

 

“So nice to meet you,” he said, shaking Harold's hand. “Tegan and I are trying to do things right. I'm sure you know we're both recovering. I'm trying to court her before we give it any official titles.”

 

“That's good,” Harold said. “Don't rush things. You two make an attractive couple, though.”

 

“Thanks,” I said with as much of a smile as I could manage.

 

“We're so happy for both of you.” He scooted closer to me, and I slid further away. “You're both an example for the young kids, you know? They can look at you and know that even if they have...unnatural thoughts, they can get better.”

 

“Um...yeah.” How was this place getting even worse? “Although, everyone is different. What worked for us might not work for them.”

 

“Yes, it's sad that some of them will need more drastic therapy,” he said. “I just hope none of them are led too far off of the path. Some people never find their way back, and I hate the thought that they won't get well, like you. I look at those kids, and I just want to protect them from all those crazy 'do whatever you feel' types.”

 

“Uh huh.” I took a few deep breaths.

 

“Thank you so much for your kind words,” Jeremy said with a smile. Harold looked like he was about to say something else, but my parents came up and distracted him.

 

“Thank God,” I said under my breath, but Jeremy heard me.

 

“I'm gonna have to volunteer at an LGBT center after that speech about setting an example,” Jeremy whispered. “I feel dirty...and evil.”

 

“Yeah, that's church for you.”

 

“I haven't been anywhere like this since camp,” he said. “My parents are a lot more about talking than doing as far as God goes.”

 

“I'd say you were lucky, but you still ended up in camp with me, so...”

 

“Yeah, but at least they aren't really watching me now. I've put on my show. You still have to do yours.”

 

“I'm aware,” I said a lot harsher than I meant to.

 

“Sorry. I wasn't trying to stress you out.”

 

“No, I just want this to be over.”

 

“I promise you an awesome day after this,” Jeremy said. “We both desperately need a good day.”

 

“Agreed.”

 

Service started, and it took everything in me not to make sarcastic comments to Jeremy the whole time. I didn't want to risk being overheard and grounded just because I was irritated and bored out of my mind. I spent the time thinking about Sara calling me that night, and then I had to stop, because it immediately went to thoughts of her fucking me, face down in my bed. Even when I was able to put those aside a little, all I could do was think of how much I missed her.

 

Our pastor wrapped up with, “Alright everyone, we all know that we're not perfect. We all have rough weeks where we succumb to weakness and feel like we have distanced ourselves from Jesus. If you feel like you need some help reaching back out to the lord, or if you're new here, and you just want to dedicate yourself officially, then why don't you come right up here? Come here, and someone can pray over you, and re-connect you to God through prayer.”

 

Immediately, the usual people went up front. I felt several people look at me expecting me to join them, including my parents, but I wasn't moving from my seat. There was only so much I would do for them. I was here. I wasn't causing a scene. That was enough. Jeremy, on the other hand, stood up and stepped out of the pew. He threw me a wink and walked to the front. I saw several members almost jump to their feet to be able to pray over him. I was pretty sure the guy who finally got to him had thrown an elbow.

 

The guy, I was pretty sure his name was Brian, put his hand on Jeremy's shoulder and started mumbling what I was sure were thinly-veiled prayers about curing homosexuality. I'm sure they wished they could do the same to me.

 

When Jeremy was finally finished, he walked back to us, and my mother immediately gave him a hug.

 

“That was very brave,” she said.

 

“Thank you,” Jeremy said, that smirk on his face that looked like, 'I'm sincere' but really meant, 'I'm fucking with you right now, and you don't even know it.'

 

“Good message today,” my dad said, and my mom nodded.

 

“Jeremy, we'll be here for a while. Do you want to check out the youth group with Tegan? I know they're doing activities today.”

 

I clenched my jaw, and Jeremy's eyes went wide.

 

“Oh...of course!” he choked out.”This place is pretty cool. I'd love to talk to a few people our age, right, Tegan?”

 

I looked up at him, and his eyes told me to trust him. I nodded and smiled at my parents.

 

“That's great!” my mom said. “They meet in the lower level. We can head down there right now.”

 

“Sure, I'll just-” Jeremy stopped talking and pulled his phone out of his pocket. “Hold on, my parents are calling me. Excuse me.” Jeremy walked out of the church.

 

“He's very respectful,” my dad said. “We'll have to invite him over for dinner one day.”

 

“He'd love that,” I said with yet another fake smile.

 

“I'd like to get the chance to really know him.”

 

“I'm still getting to know him, Dad. Don't worry. He'll be coming over for Thanksgiving dinner before you know it.”

 

“That sounds great!” My mom clapped her hands and grinned like she could already see her grandchildren.

 

“Well, I don't know about all that,” my dad said with a laugh.

 

“Hey, I'm really sorry,” Jeremy said, walking back to us. “My parents need me to run some errands for them today. I'll have to reschedule checking out the youth group.”

 

“Aw, that's too bad,” my mom said.

 

“I really tried to get out of it, but we've been rebuilding our relationship since camp, so I'm trying to get along with them. Help them out more, to make up for things.”

 

“We understand,” my dad replied. “You should help out your family.”

 

“I'm just disappointed. I was so happy to see Tegan, and just being around her helps me so much.” He grabbed my hand. “And I don't know when we'll get another chance. I hope to be able to get out here for church at least once a month, but...it's just so hard.”

 

I wasn't the actor that Jeremy was turning out to be, but I figured it was best to play along. “I guess we should be happy we got to see each other at all,” I said. “At least I got to feel normal for a little while.”

 

“Oh, you guys, it'll be okay,” my mom said, but I could tell I'd said enough to affect her and my dad. “I know it's a bit of a drive, but we can try to get Tegan out your way.”

 

“I know,” he said. “I was just so excited about today. I'm sorry if I'm being a little immature.”

 

“Don't worry,” my dad said. “You're being a lot less dramatic than a lot of kids your age.”

 

“It's perfectly normal,” my mom said, looking at me. “Wanting to be around your significant other all the time.”

 

Thoughts of Sara flashed through my head, and I felt sad that she wasn't the one holding my hand right then. I wanted to be able to just have a normal date with her. We'd fucked like crazy and fallen in love and we hadn't even been able to go on a date together yet. The closest we'd come was playing cards over stale food at camp. I missed her. I missed her eyes and her crooked teeth and the way her skin felt on my fingertips. I missed her so much that I almost had to sit down and catch my breath, and I hated when it would hit me like this out of nowhere.

 

Apparently, the conversation had gone on without me.

 

“I don't think that sounds like a bad idea!” my mom said with a smile.

 

“Really?” Jeremy asked. “I totally understand if you want to have Tegan stay for youth service-”

 

“No, it's fine,” my dad said. “I think she'd rather you be there with her when she starts going to that.”

 

“Tegan, does that sound good?” Jeremy asked me, and I was totally lost. What the hell had they decided on? I figured it was best to agree with Jeremy.

 

“Um...yeah! That sounds great!”

 

My mom laughed a little. “Don't sound too excited!”

 

“Wha-”

 

“I'm kidding!” she added laughing more. “I know it's probably just shock. She'll be more excited once you're out.”

 

“I don't know,” Jeremy said. “Running errands isn't the most fun thing ever. Most of our time will be in the car.”

 

“Still amazing!” I leaned up and kissed his cheek, finally catching on to everything. “So do we need to take off right now?”

 

“Yeah, sort of,” Jeremy said. “I'm sorry to run out like this. It was really nice seeing you guys again.” He hugged my mom and shook my dad's hand again.

 

“Nice to see you, too. Have her home by ten, and be safe!”

 

Jeremy and I hurried out to his car and took off out of the parking lot as fast as we could.

 

“Holy shit that was stressful,” I said. “Well done, sir.”

 

“You really think I can't handle some church types and your parents?” he asked.

 

“My parents are church types,” I said.

 

“Basically, yeah, but I didn't want to offend you,” he said with a smile. “How are you?”

 

“Pretty much ecstatic right now,” I said with a laugh.

 

“Yeah, getting broken out of prison will do that to a person.”

 

“I don't know that I'd call it prison after camp,” I said.

 

“A minimum security prison is still a prison,” he replied. “You still can't leave.”

 

“Fair point,” I said. “Where are we going?”

“Super mall a town over with all the food and clothes we could want. Plus an arcade.”

 

“Sounds amazing,” I said. “What's been going on in your life?”

 

“Same old, same old,” he said.

 

“Which is what, exactly?”

 

“It's exactly nothing,” he said. “Mostly hanging out with friends I don't care about much, but they're alright, and talking to you.”

 

“How's the boyfriend?”

 

“Fine,” he said. “Me and Jack are a lot less interesting than you and Sara.”

 

He never did talk about himself for long. “Interesting is one way to put it.”

 

“Yeah, I guess I'm making it sound more fun than it really is,” he said. “Have you talked to her today?”

 

I shook my head. “She can't talk until tonight. Some extra church thing.”

 

“She has those a lot, doesn't she?”

 

“Her dad is the pastor,” I said. “Gotta keep her close.”

 

“Not close enough to know about her secret phone,” he said. “Or her sneaking out for years. Seriously, I want to hang out with this girl more.”

 

“Yeah,” I said. “Me, too.”

 

“Alright, that's enough depressing shit,” he said. “I'm turning on the radio.”

 

“Yes. Great idea.”

 

We screamed along with every song that came on, even when we didn't know the words. It was so good having a friend to do something other than talk with. I hadn't been able to fuck off and be a kid since graduation. It made the trip to the mall go by quickly, and we were laughing as we walked in the doors.

 

“Okay, first thing, I need coffee,” Jeremy said.

 

“I'm pretty sure there are about 100 places to get just that,” I said. “I can see three from right here.”

 

“No need to be a smart ass,” he said. “Besides, as my good, Christian wife, you're not supposed to speak up to your man. Now get behind me and thank me for the coffee you're about to receive.”

 

I laughed and shoved him into the shop. “Shut the hell up with that.”

 

“All I'm saying is that prayer may have changed me. Maybe I should join that youth group your parents were going on about.”

 

“You're about to make me puke all over you,” I said. “Really, though, thank you for getting me out of there.”

 

“Absolutely,” he said. “Seeing it all makes me even more glad that I cleared my busy schedule for you.”

 

“What do you do with your time, Jeremy?” I asked. “You're somehow always busy but have no stories.”

 

“Yeah, that's about the gist of it,” he said as we got to the front of the line. We both ordered and picked up our drinks and spent the next few hours shopping.

 

“I feel guilty that I've spent so much of your money,” I said as we sat down in the food court to eat.

 

“Tegan, I've spent more on a single outfit than you have today. Stop worrying.”

 

“Alright, alright,” I said. “I'll just say thank you.”

 

“You're welcome,” he said with a smile.

 

“Do you spend this much money on all of your friends?” I asked, and he shook his head, but didn't say anything else. “What are some of your friends' names?”

 

“They really don't matter,” he said. “Just like your high school friends don't matter to you anymore.”

 

He did this a lot. When I'd start to ask him about his life, he'd change the subject or turn things back to me. It felt weird, sharing the details of my life with him, having him help me out so much with advice, and knowing next to nothing about him.

 

“Well, when was the last time you saw Jack?” I asked him. “What did you do?”

 

“I told you about it already,” he said. “We had some drinks and made out. It was fun. Not everyone's hidden relationships are telenovelas.”

 

“Are you just, like, super private, or are we not that close yet,” I said.

 

“What?” he asked. “What're you talking about?”

 

“I just feel like...well, you know all about Sara and me. I know that we really haven't known each other for long, but I feel like camp sort of sped our relationship up. We've been there for each other when things got pretty...pretty messed up.”

 

“Johnny and Mike, group, one-on-ones,” he said.

 

“Yeah, and everything else,” I said. “I feel like we should be able to share everything with each other, but if you don't want to-”

 

“I don't really do that,” he said. “I never have.”

 

“Well, maybe you should,” I said. “You could try-”

 

“I _am_ trying,” Jeremy snapped. “I'm sorry. I'm just...I'm trying.”

 

“No, I'm sorry,” I said. “I'll stop. Just want you to know that I'm here if you want to talk.”

 

He sighed and went back to eating. I figured I'd either ruined the day, or Jeremy was going to pretend that this hadn't happened. We didn't say anything to each other for the rest of our meals.

 

“Jack's acting weird.”

 

He said it right as I was about to suggest we start walking around again. “What?”

 

“He's acting strange. We've always had fun together. He's always made me happy. I've gone back to that, and he hasn't, and I'm afraid he met someone else at his camp.”

 

Jeremy took a drink of his soda, and I took in his words.

 

“What makes you think he's cheating?” I asked.

 

“I don't know. It could be that, or it could be that his camp bothered him more than he thought, but he seems okay with all of our friends. It could be anything, but I know that he's acting weird.”

 

“Have you talked to him about it?” I asked.

 

“I don't know how to do that, obviously,” he said back to me. “My parents didn't teach me how to have feelings. In fact, all they did was teach me how to swallow them until they went away for a while. It's a miracle that they were also absent enough that they didn't notice I was gay until it was too late to train me to force it down. I can fake sincere a lot better than I can _be_ sincere.”

 

“I don't think you give yourself enough credit,” I said. “You've been sincerely being my friend since you met me. You helped me make Sara jealous and you got me out today just because I needed to get out.”

 

“Yeah, but that was about you,” he said. “That wasn't about me. It's no fun to talk about how my parents and camp fucked me up or how I've spent more days not sober than I'd care to admit. Other people's drama distracts me from my own life. It's not like I have much of a right to hate it. I've got everything I could ever ask for.”

 

“You aren't obligated to love life just because you're rich,” I said. “Sure, money could fix a lot of people's problems, but it doesn't fix every problem.”

 

“Wise words,” he said.

 

“I'm glad I'm giving you some for once,” I said back. “Look, you've gone through shit. I've gone through shit. Sara has certainly gone through shit, and I'm sure Jack has to. Everyone has. I think maybe you should just talk to him and share your worries. And if he's cheating, I'll murder him.”

 

He laughed. “Yeah, okay. I'll think about it.”

 

“You do that,” I said. “In the meantime, you should buy yourself more things.”

 

“Yes, yes I should,” he said.

 

Jeremy opened up a little bit here and there, sharing stories of a nanny or two, and a couple of things from going to prep school as a kid, and I was glad for it. I laughed to myself, thinking that I tended to attract the most emotionally guarded people in the world. I supposed that most closeted kids were like that. I was a bit like that myself.

 

It felt like we'd barely been out when we were pulling up in front of my house. The day went by way too fast for my liking.

 

“That was a lot of fucking fun,” I said smiling at Jeremy.

 

“Yeah,” he said. “I really needed that, I think. Although we didn't spend nearly enough time in the arcade.”

 

“We'll have to set something else up to hang out again,” I said. “Shouldn't be hard. You can play my parents like a fiddle.”

 

“I do have a way with words, yes. Now let me walk you to the door so I can get my 'five minutes early' brownie points.”

 

“You're evil, you know,” I said.

 

“I do,” he replied, “but I use my evil powers for good.”

 

“Alright, well, I have to hide all this stuff we bought around the side of the house and bring it in early in the morning so my parents don't notice.”

 

“Decent plan,” Jeremy said, helping me grab bags as he got out of the car. We walked to some bushes by my fence and shoved the bags behind them. “Hope it doesn't rain.”

 

“Is it supposed to?” I asked.

 

“No idea, but I'll pray for you.”

 

I laughed. “My life would be so much simpler if I could be attracted to you at all.”

 

“I could take that as an insult, but I know what you mean.”

 

We walked around to the front of my house, and my parents were waiting for us as soon as we walked in the door.

 

“Hey, you two!” my mom said with a smile. “We heard you pull up! Have fun?”

 

“We did,” I answered honestly. “A lot.”

 

“We even had a little time to grab a bite to eat after I was done with everything for my parents,” Jeremy threw in.

 

“I'm glad to hear it,” my dad said. “Now, I don't want to keep you out, Jeremy. I'm sure your parents want you home.”

 

“Oh, they know where I am, but you're right. I've got a curfew to make.” He turned to me. “I'll see you later, Tegan.” He gave me another kiss on the cheek.

 

“Bye, Jeremy.” I hugged him, and I didn't want him to leave. “Text me when you get home alright.”

 

We let each other go, and Jeremy walked out the door.

 

“I'm glad you guys had fun,” my dad said. “And he was five minutes early. I'm impressed.”

 

I laughed to myself. “Yeah, it is impressive.”

 

“You look happy,” he said with a smile.

 

“Yeah, I had a lot of fun.”

 

“We're glad to hear it,” my mom said. “Jeremy makes you really happy, doesn't he?”

 

He did, but not for the reasons that they wanted, and it almost brought back my sour mood from the past few months...almost.

 

“He does,” I said. “He likes me for who I really am.”

 

My parents both smiled at me, and I faked a smile back. I was so good at that, now, after seeing so many examples and having so much practice.

 

“Alright, are you staying up or off to bed?” my mom asked.

 

“I'm pretty tired,” I said, glancing at my phone. No word from Sara yet, and I was glad I hadn't missed her. “I think I'll just watch some TV and nod off.”

 

“Alright, just don't forget to turn it off,” my dad said. “It runs up the bill when you just have the TV running all night, and you don't sleep correctly.”

 

“Yes, Dad, I know. I don't keep it on all night. I just have a weird sleep schedule right now.”

 

“Okay, okay,” he said. “Just try to get on a more normal one over time. Wake up and go to bed a few minutes earlier every day, and you'll be back to normal in no time.”

 

_Always obsessed with making me normal..._

 

“Yeah, I'll start doing that,” I said. “I'll see you guys tomorrow. Thanks for letting me hang out with Jeremy.”

 

“No problem, sweetie,” my mom said. I walked to my room, got into my pajamas, and waited for Sara's call. It was just passed midnight when my phone finally buzzed in my hand. I smiled as the called ID flashed 'SARA' and I answered the call.

 

“Hey,” I said.

 

“Hi,” she said, and she sounded a little tired.

 

“Are you okay?” I asked. “We don't have to talk-”

 

“No,” she said sharply. “We have to talk. I need to talk to you. Right now.”

 

“Oh.” I knew that voice. She wasn't tired...she was desperate. And so was I. I still hadn't touched myself since camp. It had been _weeks_ , and I hadn't touched myself, because I knew it's what Sara would want. She probably could have just whispered 'cum' over the phone, and I probably would have. I definitely would have. I wondered if she'd broken down, yet. Her voice said she hadn't, and I was sure she was feeling even crazier than I was. “Okay, yeah.”

 

“Do you want me, Tegan?”

 

“God, yes,” I said.

 

“Do you wish I was there to get you off?”

 

“I wish you were here to fuck me,” I said. “I could wait a little bit to get off.”

 

“Are you asking to be teased when we haven't seen each other in weeks?” she asked. She almost sounded angry. “How much could you possibly need me right now if you're willing to hold off?”

 

“It's not a lack of wanting,” I said. “It's that it's so much better when you wind me up.”

 

“You don't make demands,” she said like a dare.

 

“Is that so?” I asked. “Says who?”

 

“Says me,” she said. “You never have before.”

 

“I think I've been making the rules since we started. You just didn't know it.”

 

“So if I told you to flick your clit until you screamed my name, you wouldn't do it?”

 

“That wouldn't be very smart,” I said, pulling off my shorts. “My parents would hear.”

 

“So you admit you would do it.” I could hear her smirk over the phone.

 

“Fuck you,” I said.

 

She laughed. “You're wet.”

 

She said it like a statement. She was so cocky sometimes. “So are you.”

 

“Touch yourself, Tegan,” she said, but I could hear the waver in her voice.

 

“Sara, are you already touching yourself?” I asked, and I heard her trying to even out her breathing on the other end. She tried so hard to act like this seductress, but the truth was that she was just as weak for me as I was for her. I didn't mind letting her take charge most of the time, but it had been too long, and I wanted the control.

 

“You don't know that,” she said.

 

“I know that you probably have been fucking yourself this whole conversation.”

 

“You don't know that, either.” Her voice was even weaker than it had been before.

 

“You always act like I'm the desperate one, but you're always the one that can't wait,” I said. “How many fingers?”

 

“Tegan-”

 

“How many?” I asked again.

 

She was quiet for a minute before finally saying, “Two. I started when you picked up the phone, now shut the fuck up and start touching yourself.”

 

“No, you're in a lot...deeper than I am, Sara,” I whispered over the phone, and I heard her breath catch a little over the line. “I don't think you're in the position to make any demands tonight.”

 

She huffed. “What do I do to get you to cum for me?”

 

“Why don't you focus on yourself for a while,” I said. “You know, I didn't get to touch you before we left camp. You wouldn't let me.”

 

“We didn't have time, anyway.”

 

“Keep telling yourself that,” I said, “and pull your fingers out.”

 

She groaned, but I could tell that she'd done it by the whine that followed. “This is payback, isn't it?”

 

“What could it be payback for?” I asked innocently...well, I tried to sound innocent, but it was a hard sell. “Maybe all the times that you've gotten to decide when I have an orgasm?”

 

“Like you didn't love it,” she said.

 

“Rub your clit, Sara,” I said. “Really slow. I'm sure you're about to pop.”

 

“You're so confident when we're not in the same room,” she said, her voice becoming incredibly unsteady as she started following my orders. “If I were there, I might have to punish you for doing this.”

 

“Oh yeah?” I asked. “What would you do?”

 

“I'd push you down on the bed...” She let out a few shallow breaths. “Maybe I'd handcuff you to the headboard. Face down. I'd spank you until you were red. And fuck you from behind. Maybe with my tongue. Maybe with my hand. Maybe with a strap. It wouldn't really matter.”

 

“I...I don't have that kind of headboard.” It was all I could manage to say. I sometimes forgot how much more Sara had done than I had. I wasn't worried that she would get bored, but it was intimidating and exciting that she probably had a lot more to show me.

 

She laughed. “Then we wouldn't do it in your bed. Or I'd find other ways to tie you down.”

 

“Ugh, are you serious?” I was already ruining my sheets.

 

“Why don't you start touching yourself, Tegan?”

 

My hand moved without thought, and I was going back and forth between pushing one finger in and doing a circle around my clit.

 

“You think I'd just let you tie me to the bed?” I finally said after a bit.

 

“I think you'd beg me to after a while.” I heard her let out a long moan, and I got worried that her parents might hear her, but I pushed it out of my mind. I was going to enjoy myself. “Do you know how badly I want to sink my teeth into you right now?”

 

“All your marks are gone,” I said to her. “The last of them faded a couple days ago.”

 

“I didn't bite hard enough,” she said to me. “More reasons to have my mouth on you right now. How many fingers are you using?”

 

“Two, now,” I said, adding another finger. “I'm trying to touch myself like you touch me. It feels amazing.”

 

“But you wish it was me,” she said. “I can just imagine you trying to hit all the spots I've found-”

 

“How wet are you thinking about it?” I said quickly, adding another finger to my rotation for a few passes before going back down to two. I had a feeling that Sara and I had entered into something of a contest with each other, and I wasn't about to cum first.

 

“What do you think?” she asked in a hurry. She could feel herself losing the upper hand, and I smiled.

 

“Answer me, Sara,” I pushed. “How wet are you?”

 

She moaned a few times, and I was sure she was fucking herself again. Then the sound changed, and I realized that she had her fingers in her mouth. She was making sure that I knew it, too. I could hear her sucking and the pop as her fingers left her lips. I could almost see her tongue trailing from knuckles to tips, like she had with my fingers before. She finally said, “I'm dripping. You?” and I saw spots in my vision I was so turned on.

 

I was dripping, too. I was so wet that it had gone between my ass cheeks, and I was reminded of my thoughts from the last time we'd been together. I was still afraid to bring it up, but I was more than a little caught up in the moment.

 

“I'm so wet that you could fuck me in any hole you wanted, Sara.”

 

All sound cut out on the other end of the line outside of a whimper and a few shudders. I heard Sara start making noise again, and I could tell that she'd started fucking herself a lot harder, and I immediately matched her.

 

“I want you here.” She was barely saying words, but I could understand. “I want you bent in front of me. I want your legs spread. I want your thighs shaking. I want your knees weak. And Tegan...” Her voice broke, and I knew that she was a few seconds from her climax. “I want you full. Your pussy...and your _fucking ass..._ ”

 

My toes started curling, and I tried to hold it off, but it had been so long, and Sara always knew exactly what to say and do to get me to break. My back was arched off of the bed, and I only found the strength to hold onto the phone because Sara was cumming in my ear. I wondered if she'd ever really been as loud as she could be when we'd been together.

 

God, I needed to see her.

 

When it was over, I felt like jello. I wished I was naked with Sara's arm wrapped around my waist. I was reminded of the nights wishing that Sara would stay in the bed with me, and it was oddly comforting knowing that it was distance and circumstance that kept her away from me now. 

 

“So...do you want to explain at all?” I asked.

 

“We hadn't gotten a chance, and I knew I didn't have long to talk before I started falling asleep,” she said. “I missed it.”

 

“Me, too,” I said.

 

“Don't think that we're not talking about that next time I call you,” she said. I could tell she was already half asleep. “I didn't even know that was...on the table.”

 

“I've maybe thought about it,” I said. “I just didn't know how you'd feel about it.”

 

“Tegan, after all the things you've tried for me, I don't think there's much you could suggest that would turn me off.”

 

“Have you done it before?”

 

“A few times. To other people. I've never had it done to me before. Maybe I could try it with...try it with you.”

 

I smiled. “Alright, well, I can hear you falling asleep, so I'll just let you go. That was amazing. Thank you.”

 

“Thank you,” she said. “I love you.”

 

She said it every time we were hanging up. “I love you, too. Sleep well.”

 

She hung up the phone. I finally felt a little relaxed after the best day I'd had in a long while. I went to fall asleep happy when I got a text from Jeremy.

 

_I THINK I HAVE A WAY 4 U 2 C SARA! CALL IN THE MORNING!!!!!_

 

 


	24. Chapter 24

 "A party?"

"Yes! Jeremy's parents have a few a year." I was trying to sound calm over the phone to Sara, just in case she couldn't go through with the plan that Jeremy and I had set up that morning, but it was hard. "It's in three weeks. Friday night. Jeremy can give you a ride to and from the place. I know that it'll be a little bit of a pain in the ass to get out of your house, but I thought I'd bring it up. You don't have to come, though, if it's too much trouble."

"Are you serious?" Sara sounded as excited as I felt, even though she was barely speaking above a whisper. "Tegan, this sounds amazing. I'll figure out a way. How long is this party? Where is it? Tell me all the details."

I smiled to myself, happy that she was so on board. I shouldn't have been surprised, knowing about her history of sneaking out.

"It's at some high-class hotel. They rent out a ballroom and a few suites. He said the first half is sort of...awful. A lot of him and me having to walk around and impress his parents' friends."

"This doesn't sound too appealing," Sara said, and I could see the smirk on her face in my head. "I'm not sure I want to come, anymore,"

"Let me finish, smart ass. all you have to do is hang out with Jeremy's boyfriend for a while, but I've been assured that he's really nice. And the second half of the party is supposed to be amazing. All the old people leave, and the music and booze comes out. Plus, there'll be really good hors d'oeuvres floating around, and a few games set up."

"It sounds great," Sara said. "And it'll be my first party with friends. Real friends, anyway. I went to a few with friends from church, but I don't count them as real, anymore."

"You barely count the parties as real parties, or the friends as real friends?"

"Both. They still try to talk to me after service, sometimes, but I never know what to say, anymore." She moved on before I could say anything in reply. "When does the party end?"

"It's not ending until the next morning, so we could leave whenever you needed to. Do you think you could just lie to your parents about where you were going? I mean, they did meet Jeremy and me at camp. Maybe we could tell them we're going to some kind of counseling-"

"They're not gonna let me go," Sara said, quickly. "They only let me go out on my own if I let them know way in advance, and they've thoroughly researched everything."

"That hasn't gotten  _any_  better since you went to camp?" I asked. "You'd think that they'd be happier with you."

"It feels like things have gotten worse." I heard her sigh, and I wished that I could get her away from those people. "They're not being hateful. They just...really think this is what's best."

"You can't make excuses for them-"

"I know that they're wrong about what's best for me. That's enough for now." I went to say something, but she kept talking. "I can sneak out, though. They're going out of town with my sister that weekend. They won't be back until the next Monday night."

"Really?" It was like the stars were aligning. "Does that mean...you could stay the night, maybe? We could get you home early on Saturday. I'm sure Jeremy could find us a place to crash, even if it was in a room with a few of his other friends."

"Yeah! I wouldn't have to rush home, though. They never call me when my sister has a competition this big."

My smile grew even bigger, somehow. "We'd have the whole night together. Even if we can't have sex, that sounds so good, doesn't it?"

"Why wouldn't we be able to have sex?" Sara said, her voice dropping a little.

"Sara, how are we supposed to have sex in a room full of people?" I asked, shaking my head and laughing.

"Where there's a will, there's a way. I'm sure we could sneak off somewhere." She let out a giggle that sent a shiver up my spine. "Or maybe we'll do it in the middle of the crowd. We could start dancing, I'd come up behind you, wrap my arms around you. No one would notice me putting my hand in your pants."

I tried to catch my breath, but the image Sara had just put in my mind turned me on more than I cared to admit. "You're bluffing."

"Maybe, but I mean it when I say we're having sex. I'm not gonna be able to stay away from you for a whole night." I heard some noise on the other side of the line. "Have to go. Dad's home. Love you."

I didn't even get a chance to say it back before she'd disconnected the call. It only had me worried for a few minutes, before Sara texted that all was well, and I got back to my excitement for the party. I hadn't even imagined that Sara would be able to stay the night. I was sure Jeremy was alright with it, but I had no idea how I was going to get that past my parents.

I called Jeremy and made a new plan.

* * *

"Tegan, are you alright?" my mom asked me at dinner. "You haven't touched your food."

I forced myself to take a few bites, then said, "Sorry, I've just got a lot on my mind."

"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked. She looked over at my dad. "You know that we're here for you."

I'd gotten a lot better at swallowing my parents' constant reassurances of "unconditional" support and love. Instead of the sarcastic comment that I wanted to say, I just smiled and went on.

"It's just...never mind. You won't let me do it, anyway. It's okay."

"What are you talking about?" my dad asked, and I got ready. I'd gone over this conversation with Jeremy a dozen times, but that didn't make this any less nerve wracking.

"Alright, well, I feel stupid even saying it, but I really miss Jeremy."

Both of my parents smiled like they always did when Jeremy came up. He'd become the symbol of every "positive change" in my life, and I was pretty sure that they loved him more than they loved me at this point.

Little did they know that I'd been on my best behavior to butter them up for this moment.

"Aw, sweetheart, I understand!" my mom said. "Of course you want to see your boyfriend."

"We should have him over," my dad said. "Maybe he could visit the church again soon."

My mom nodded, but I shook my head. "He's really busy all the time, now. The best I can get out of him is phone calls while he's going from one place to another. I'm trying to find things to fill my time-"

"Is that why you started going to youth group?" my dad asked.

"Sort of, but I mostly just wanted to get more involved with the church." Lying like this really did start to make me feel guilty, but then I reminded myself of what my parents did when they knew the truth, and I went on. "It's helpful, but it's still not getting to see him."

"I'm sorry," my mom said. "Is he free at all anytime soon? Even for an afternoon?"

I took a deep breath. "Actually, his family's having a party this Friday, but I wasn't gonna ask, because I know I'm sort of on restriction-"

"Wait, you're not on restriction," my dad said quickly. "We just want to know that you're...not getting into trouble when you go out."

He wanted to say, 'We want to know that you aren't doing anything gay,' but he was at least slightly more tactful than my mom.

"We let you go out with Jeremy that day after church," my mom added.

"I thought that was an exception," I said. I was trying to sound as pathetic as I possibly could to get some sympathy. "I just figured I was on punishment after everything that happened."

"We didn't mean to make you feel like that. We just want what's best for you," my mom said. "Jeremy is a fine boy, and I don't think either of us would mind if you went to a party with his family. Where is it?"

This was the hard part. "It's at a hotel...and it's overnight. I can get you the address, and you can call Jeremy's parents about it-"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," my dad said, holding up his hand. "Overnight? That's a different deal, Tegan."

"I know." I pushed my food around on my plate. "That's why I wasn't going to say anything. Just forget it."

"Tegan, you have to understand why we can't let you stay overnight," my mom said. "What if you just go during the early parts of the party, then head back?"

"I guess," I said. "I just thought seeing Jeremy would...I don't know...remind me that I'm normal? Remind me that I'm better, now. I've been having a rough time lately."

"With your recovery?" my dad asked.

"Why didn't you say anything, sweetie?"

"I didn't want to disappoint you," I said. "They told us, at the camp, that sometimes, the feelings will come back, and it's my job to make sure that I don't act on them so they can go away again. I figured spending some time with Jeremy would help. I know he's been having trouble, too."

I saw them both start squirming in their seats. I could tell they would need more convincing, and I got ready to play my riskiest card.

"Is there anything we can do to help you?" my dad asked. "Any methods that you learned from camp that you can try?"

"All I can ask for is extra prayer," I said. "I don't really know what else to do. I've tried several strategies but...the old thoughts keep coming back. I'm just scared, is all. Things are so much harder when I can't see him everyday."

They both spent the next few minutes silently looking at one another. I concentrated on taking even breaths and figuring out how to persuade them to change their minds if they kept saying no...or if they decided that I needed another trip to camp. It was a long shot (my dad seemed bothered by the whole situation with camp whenever it was brought up), but I couldn't take anything for granted.

"Tegan...you're asking for a lot, here," my dad said. "Staying overnight with a boy? In a hotel room?"

"It's not like that, Dad. Tons of people will be there. His parents will be there, plus a bunch of other adults. We aren't trying to sneak off to fuck-"

"Tegan!" my mom yelled, and I winced.

"Sorry. Have sex." I shook my head at myself. I needed to calm down before I blew this for myself. "We aren't trying to do anything sinful. All sin is equal and stuff. We're trying to  _avoid_  sin."

My mom eyed me suspiciously. "You said his parents would be there?"

I nodded. "They throw parties like this a couple times a year. Like I said, you can call them and confirm everything."

My mom sighed. "Spence, I don't think this is a terrible idea-"

"You can't be serious, Sharon."

"Look, Jeremy's a sweet boy, his parents will be there, and we'll know where she is and where to call. She's been putting in an effort, and she hasn't done anything untrustworthy since...the beginning of the summer."

"I just don't think-"

"She's an adult, Spence. We have to let her grow up sometime." My mom said it with a wink and a smile in my direction, like she was doing me some favor. She was, but it bothered me that she wouldn't do the same favor for me if she knew it was Sara and not Jeremy that I was dying to see.

My dad didn't look thrilled, but he was starting to look defeated. "What time would you be home Saturday?"

I shrugged. "Early evening?" My dad frowned. "Or, like, earlier than that?"

"I just don't want this turning into one of these multiple night things," he grumbled out. "You used to do that with your girlfr...friends that were girls, but I don't want that happening this time."

"The circumstances are different," my mom said, then she turned to me. "Aren't they? They were just your friends back then, right?"

I had to stop my eyes from rolling. "Yeah, guys. My friends were just my friends. I wasn't lying to you about the others." For the most part. "Does that mean I can go?"

My dad groaned a little, then said, "I want all of the details. Where it'll be. Who exactly will be there. When it starts. You'll be home by noon Saturday. No drinking or sex or anything else that you wouldn't do in front of us. And you will contact us frequently. As long as you can do that, you can go."

I jumped out of my chair and hugged him before running over and hugging my mom.

"Thank you guys so much! I promise to do all of that stuff!" I started walking towards my room. "I'm telling Jeremy!"

"Wait, don't you want to finish your dinner?" my mom called after me.

"I'll come right back. I just want to tell him. He didn't even think I was going to ask you guys! He'll be so excited!"

"Alright, well, hurry up, and you're welcome!" My mom was smiling at me in that way that made me want to yell 'YOU'RE HELPING ME SEE MY SECRET GIRLFRIEND!"

I had the good sense to keep the thought to myself, though.

I went into my room and made sure the door was closed before I started jumping up and down on my bed. It had taken weeks of planning, dozens of lies, and a few strokes of luck, but I was really going to see Sara for the first time since camp. It almost felt too good to be true.

Now that I'd finally gotten around to asking my parents (I'd tried the previous two nights, but I'd chickened out, convinced they'd send me back to camp), it was just a matter of getting everyone there on Friday night.

I grabbed my phone and called Jeremy.

"Please tell me that you asked them," were the first words out of his mouth.

"We're on," I replied.

"Fantastic!" he said. "And Sara's good to go?"

"Yep." I smiled as I said it, and I knew Jeremy would have given me shit for it if he were here. "Just talked to her yesterday. Her family is leaving Friday afternoon around 1. She'll shoot me a text to make sure they're gone. She said she could be ready in ten minutes."

"Ten minutes?" He laughed a little. "And you're not offended she isn't dolling herself up for you?"

"She doesn't need to," I said without thinking. "She's beautiful already, and I just want to see her."

"Okay, I was kidding, but now I have to puke."

"Shut up," I said. "I'm allowed to be mushy right now."

"Alright, alright. Jack's taking the train out, and the station's on the way to your house, so I'll grab you, then him, then Sara. Christ, I'm gonna be driving for hours."

"Sorry," I said. "I'd offer to take a shift, but I don't have a license."

"Yeah, yeah, it's fine. It'll be worth it to actually have a good time at one of these things. I have to go, now, but I'll see you Friday."

"See you then," I said, before I hung up the phone. I did a few more happy fist pumps in the air before going back out to dinner with my parents.

 

 

 


	25. Chapter 25

I'd been pacing in my room for the last hour, changing outfits every few minutes and trying to think of what to say when I finally saw Sara. I didn't know why I was nervous; I hadn't exactly been my best at camp (in pretty much any sense of the word), and Sara had liked me then. I had worries, though, that she would expect more from me now that we were out of camp. It just felt different, somehow, and I was suddenly worried I would do something wrong.

I heard a knock, and I turned to see my dad smiling at me from my doorway.

“Sweetheart, Jeremy's here. Your mom's chatting him up in the living room.”

“Of course she is,” I said. “I'll get out there.”

“Wait,” my dad said, and I felt nervous. “Can I talk to you for a second about this party?”

I gulped. “Did I forget to tell you some detail or something?”

He shook his head. “No, nothing like that. I just...Tegan, sometimes, I don't feel like you're being honest with me.”

I tried not to panic. “Dad, what are you talking about? I haven't lied about anything.”

He shook his head again. “I don't mean lying. I feel like we're not as close as we used to be. You say you're alright, and you're acting like you're alright, but I know you went through a lot this summer. Are you really...alright?”

Why did he have to bring this up right now? Why did he have to make it this hard at the very last minute not to tell him off? I didn't even know what to say to get out of this, and on top of that, I was fighting the part of me that wanted to trust him. We had been close, and he seemed to sincerely care that I didn't seem like myself.

“I guess maybe I'm still a little overwhelmed, but I'm getting through it. Going to youth group and stuff.”

He laughed. “Going to youth group is half the reason that I'm worried about you.”

“You always told me to go,” I said.

“But you never did, and I didn't really mind.” He took a deep breath. “Tegan, your mother and I love you. It's not that we wanted you to become our perfect little pod person, no matter how much your mother gives that impression.” He laughed again, and despite myself, I did, too. 

After a second, he went on. “Look, when you said you were on restriction the other day, I felt terrible. I didn't mean to make you think you were in trouble. I don't want to control you or change you. That's never what this was about. We just want to make sure that you're going to be okay.”

This conversation was almost starting to make me believe in God. This had to be some kind of divine test of patience.

“I know,” I said, starting to lose my cool, but just holding it together. “They taught us at camp. You were trying to make me be able to be who I really am without the sin. You were watching out for me like every parent would. You helped save my soul.”

My dad frowned. “I hope you believe what you're saying, Tegan, because it's true.”

I forced a smile on my face, then just gave up and pulled my dad into a hug so he couldn't see how upset I was. It hurt because he cared. Why did he have to care? Why couldn't it be that he sent me away because he hated me? Why did he have to be so fucked up that he really thought he had helped?

“Dad, I'm okay, but I have to go. Jeremy has to help his parents set up, and I don't wanna make him late.”

I let go of my dad and dipped past him out of my room. My mom and Jeremy were sitting on the couch, looking through my baby pictures.

“Oh, hey, honey!” my mom said, smiling at me. “I was just showing Jeremy a few pictures!”

“If you're trying to embarrass me, don't bother. I was an adorable baby.”

Jeremy laughed. “Yeah, you were.” He stood up and gave me a quick peck on the cheek and a hug. “It's so good to see you again, babe.”

“You, too,” I said, fighting a cringe at the term of endearment. “You ready to go?”

“Aw, don't rush off,” my mom said. “I have a few more albums to show you!”

“I'm sorry, Mrs. Quin, but we really have to get going. Maybe some other time?”

“I'd love that,” my mom said. Her smile looked like it could split her face open. “You two have fun today, okay?”

“Yeah try to enjoy yourselves,” my dad added, but then he gave Jeremy a look. “Not too much, though.”

“Sir, you don't have to worry about anything like that from me,” Jeremy said, and I had to hide my laugh by rushing out the door.

“I'll text you when we get there!” I yelled back as I walked to Jeremy's car. He got in, and we drove away.

“You were a cute baby,” Jeremy said, then he started laughing.

I shook my head. “My parents are walking cliches. My mom showing my baby pictures, my dad tried to corner me and have a heart to heart right before we left...”

“I'm sure that was fun. What about?”

“I don't know. Something about me not being myself or something,” I mumbled out. “Doesn't matter.”

“Okay,” he said. “Well, let me just say that I'm so glad that you're gonna be there tonight. I usually spend these things desperately trying to sneak off with Jack somewhere. I mean, I'll probably still do that, but it'll be a lot later, and I'll hate my life less up to that point.”

“Glad I could be of service,” I said. “Plus it sounds fun, and I get to see Sara, so it's not like there's nothing in it for me.”

“Did you plan anything for when you saw her again?” he asked me. “A gift or something?”

“Fuck, a gift is a good idea.” I groaned. “Why didn't I buy anything? Or make anything? I should have gotten something-”

“Oh my God, you're fine!” Jeremy cut me off. “Jesus, I'm sorry I said anything. I didn't know you were freaking out.”

I took a few deep breaths. “I'm sorry. I'm just nervous.”

“About what? You talk to her all the time. You've given me the impression that you got to 'know each other' pretty well at camp.” He said the last part with a smirk. “Why are you so nervous to hang out?”

I looked at my hands, embarrassed to say the next part. “I just worry that maybe things will be different now. Camp was really intense, and it forced us together all the time. What if now that we've been away from each other, we don't get along the same?” I paused before adding. “What if...she isn't as into me as she was before?”

“I think you're thinking of the most impossible scenario that could happen,” he said to me. “You two are grossly in love. She's probably sitting at her house, obsessing over seeing you, too.”

“You think?”

“I'm almost 100% sure.” Jeremy pulled into the train station and started looking out the window. “He said he would be somewhere obvious. His train got in an hour and a half ago, but I couldn't get him until after I got you, so he had to wait around.”

“That sucks,” I said. “Is he upset?”

“Nah, he didn't care. He's pretty easy going, for the most part.” He looked up and smiled at a boy standing in one of the pick-up areas.

“Should I try to move to the backseat?” I asked, but Jeremy shook his head.

“You're staying up front. There's no way in hell I'm pulling up to that hotel with the man my parents caught me in bed with, and my supposed girlfriend in the backseat. The only reason he's even allowed to come is because his parents have money, too.”

Jeremy pulled up to the curb and a boy our age climbed into the back seat before we pulled away again. He leaned forward and kissed Jeremy on the cheek.

“Hey, Jeremy,” Jack said with a smile. “And hello...Tegan?”

“Yeah, Jack, this is Tegan, the girl I met at camp. Tegan, this is Jack, my boyfriend.”

“Nice to meet you,” Jack said, shaking my hand. “Jeremy's said nice things.”

“Same about you,” I said with a smile.

“On the rare occasion that we aren't talking about you, that is,” Jeremy said to me, and I scoffed.

“Oh, thanks for trying to make me sound like a self-centered bitch,” I said. I turned to Jack and added, “It's really not like how he's making it sound.”

“Don't worry, Tegan. I know Jeremy's more into the listening than he is the sharing. He just likes causing trouble.”

“I really don't need the two of you ganging up on me this weekend,” Jeremy snapped semi-playfully, but there seemed to be a little something underneath it. “My parents and their friends are gonna be enough of a headache as it is.”

“I heard your girlfriend is coming?” Jack asked, and I nodded. “She was at camp with you guys, right?”

“Yeah, she was my roommate. It's how we met.”

“Do you see why she was my entertainment?” Jeremy said with a laugh. “Not that your personality wouldn't have done it on its own, but the drama is a nice bonus.”

“How was your camp?” Jack asked. “Jeremy hasn't really said much about it, outside of saying it was bullshit.”

I was about to start talking, but Jeremy cut in. “Yeah, this isn't really 'Get the party started' conversation. Let's just listen to some music until we get to Sara's place.”

Jeremy turned on the radio, and I could tell that it bothered Jack, but he seemed to be trying to let it go. Had Jeremy not talked to Jack about camp? I didn't put him past him.

The closer we got, the more I was bouncing up and down like a kid. I kept looking at the GPS, frowning when a bit of traffic would push our ETA back a few minutes. I tried to distract myself by looking out the window, but I just found myself trying to memorize everything, so if I had to make this drive again, I'd know exactly how far I was from getting to see her.

I really hoped that she was half as excited as I was.

When we got to the address, I felt like running to the door and never leaving the car at the same time.

“She's going to be happy to see you, you fucking idiot,” Jeremy said after five minutes of me staring at the house. “Her parents are gone, right?”

I nodded. “Yeah. She said we could pick her up any time.”

“Then go!” he yelled, pushing me towards the door. “Hurry the fuck up!”

“Fine!” I said, opening the door and stepping out. “You don't have to yell at me.”

“Just go get your girlfriend,” he said, trying to sound annoyed, but he was smiling.

“Don't take it too personally,” Jack yelled out the back window.“He's more of a dick than usual for the first part of these parties. He'll be less cranky later.” 

“It's true,” Jeremy added. “Also, I should probably take offense to 'more of a dick than usual,' but that's also accurate. Now, go.”

I laughed a little, then adjusted my outfit as I walked to the door. I rang the bell and took in Sara's house. It was really nice...perfectly maintained lawns, a beautiful garden, and the house itself was huge, but it was big for only four people. It was like everything about Sara's family: it seemed perfect, but cold. I started feeling sad for her when the door opened.

Any doubt I'd had that she was happy to see me was gone the second she threw herself into my arms. I immediately relaxed, and I felt stupid for even worrying in the first place.

“Hey!” I said, still hugging her.

“I'm so happy you're here,” she said, but it was muffled against my neck. She pulled back and pulled me into a kiss that felt like she was trying to make up for every kiss we hadn't had since camp. It was even better than I remembered, having Sara's tongue in my mouth, pushing and rubbing against my own. When Sara's hand went to my ass, Jeremy started honking his horn at us, and we broke apart. Sara looked around the neighborhood, panic on her face.

“It was just Jeremy. No one else is out here.” I felt a smile creep onto my face. “Which is probably good, considering the show they would have just gotten.”

Sara laughed, but said, “I do need to be more careful. Someone could see us and tell my parents.”

I nodded. “Sorry that I kissed you, then.”

“I kissed you,” Sara said with a smile. She looked me up and down, and I was reminded of how much just being close to her affected me. I was overcome with thoughts of pushing her back into the house and letting her have her way with me. I was pretty sure she was thinking something similar from the way her eyes were glazed over. “You look different than the last time I saw you.”

“Different?” I asked. “Like good different?”

She seemed to snap out of her haze a bit and looked at me. “Of course! You look great.”

I tried not to smile too big. “Thanks. You do, too. Look good, I mean. Sorry, I'm just really happy to see you.”

Sara giggled and put her hand on my cheek. “I missed you so much, Tegan-”

Jeremy honked his horn a few more times, and I flipped him off.

“We need to get going,” I said, reluctantly pulling away from her. Sara nodded, and we walked to the car. I thought about grabbing Sara's hand, but I remembered what she'd said about her neighbors, and I figured it could wait. Sara got in next to Jack, and I got in the front.

“No funny business back there, you two,” Jeremy said with a smile, and Jack flicked him in the ear. I started laughing, and Jeremy glared at me.

“Be nice!” Jack said. “I'm trying to make a good impression on your friends.”

“Flicking Jeremy does get you points, yes,” I said with a smirk.

“I think setting them up on a date is nice enough,” Jeremy grumbled out.

“Thank you, by the way,” Sara said, leaning forward from the backseat. “I don't know how I can return the favor.”

Jeremy waved it off. “I was kidding. It was no problem at all. I know a secret relationship can be the opposite of fun, and I knew I was gonna have to have Tegan come along anyway. Really, you're doing me a favor by keeping Jack company. By the way, Sara, this is Jack. Jack, this is Sara.”

“Yes, seriously, thank you,” Jack said to Sara. “It'll be awkward enough showing up at this party when his parents know I've slept with their son. It would be even worse without a date to hide behind.”

“Am I...your date for the night?” Sara asked.

“I didn't know about that,” I said to her quickly, then I looked over at Jeremy. “You could have told me about this.”

“Relax. She has to pretend to be his date, not his girlfriend. Besides, they won't be getting grilled like we will. All she has to do is hang out with him, say they're on a date, and stay away from you.”

“I don't mind. Just gives me a reason to be there if anyone asks. Although, I'm not too keen on the last part.” Sara smiled at me, and I wished I could be in the back with her. This was going to be a long night. “How have you been, Jeremy?”

He shrugged. “Eh, I've re-integrated into mainstream society. Things sort of just went back to normal after camp.”

It was all Jeremy would say. I glanced at the back seat and saw Jack look over at Jeremy for a second before he looked away again. The two of them seemed happy together, but every once in a while, there was a tension between them. I remembered Jeremy saying that he'd been afraid Jack was cheating, but he hadn't mentioned it since that day in the mall. Besides, Jack was the one that seemed more bothered of the two.

“How are you doing?” Jeremy asked Sara after a few seconds. “How are things with your parents?”

“Things are okay,” Sara replied. “They're with my sister at a national dance competition. I guess she might win, and then the three of them go to Europe for an international recital.”

“Just them?” Jeremy asked. “What about you? What would you be doing?”

“I'd probably stay home. They don't usually take me to that kind of stuff.”

“Even when it's a trip out of the country?” Jack asked, with his eyebrows raised. “That's weird.”

Sara's eyes went a little wide. “Oh, well...you're right. They'll probably take me. It's a bigger trip, after all.”

Sara looked uncomfortable in that way she always did when she realized that something about the way her parents treated her wasn't normal. Of course Sara wouldn't be going with her parents on some fun trip out of the country. She'd be locked up at home...I didn't know how I was going to let her go back there the next day.

The car dropped into awkward silence, and I wondered how I'd ended up close with the two least communicative people in the world.

“So what's the plan for this party?” I asked. “Do I just hang out with you, and Jack hangs out with Sara until the real party gets going?”

“Well, yeah, if hanging out means going from person to person, talking about our futures together, then yes.”

Jack turned to Sara again. “We get to pig out on food and avoid eye contact and conversation with everyone.”

“Fortunately, that's really only the first couple of hours.”

“Only a couple of hours,” I mumbled. “How can you say those words in that order?”

“I can take you home, you know.”

“I didn't say that I wasn't gonna do it,” I said. “I'm just saying that you could have given me a little more of a heads up.”

“She has a point,” Jack said.

“Oh, God. All I need is the two of you agreeing on things. Sara, can we at least start ganging up on them, too?”

We all started laughing, and we spent the rest of the ride talking about the party and getting to know Jack. He seemed to be letting Jeremy take the lead a little, but he was still able to hold his own with us in conversation. It was fun in a way that I hadn't been able to have fun in a while.

We pulled up to the hotel, and Jeremy grabbed my hand as soon as we were parked. Jack did the same to Sara, and I wished that it didn't have to be like this. I almost wished that the four of us could just get back into the car, buy some chili dogs, and hang out in a parking lot for the night. Still, I would take what I could get with Sara, and Jeremy swore that things would get better later.

We all walked onto an elevator, and Jeremy groaned.

“You'll be okay,” Jack said, giving Jeremy a quick kiss. “It's just the same shit as always.”

“And it always sucks.” Jeremy rolled his shoulders a few times. “They could at least let me drink.”

“There'll be plenty of time for that, later,” Jack said, rubbing Jeremy's shoulders. “You'll have Tegan to take some of the attention off of you until then.”

“Exactly,” I said. “I'm with you until your parents leave. Then I'm ditching you for her.” I turned to Sara and winked, and she laughed.

“Shut up, Tegan,” Sara said. “Your friend needs you.”

Jeremy took a few quick breaths, like he was psyching himself up. “Okay, let's get this over with.”

“Jeremy! What took you so long?” Jeremy's mom was walking up to us the second the doors opened, and I saw Jack drag Sara off somewhere out of the corner of my eye.

“There was traffic,” Jeremy snapped. “And we got turned around on the way back.”

“Fine, you're here now.” She looked at me and smiled. “It's nice to see you again, dear.”

“You, too,” I said as she pulled me into a brief, stiff hug. “Thanks for inviting me. This place is amazing.”

“Well, the location last year was nicer, but we gave more to charity this year. It's important to give where you can.”

“Uh...yeah,” I said as I heard Jeremy gag behind me.

“The party is scattered around a bit everywhere, but everyone important is in the main hall. I have a few people I want you to meet.”

She put her hand on my elbow and started moving me towards a room right off of the lobby.

“Seriously, Mom? The second we walk in?” Jeremy asked angrily, but his mom was either oblivious or ignoring him. It was probably the latter. “Where's Dad?”

“He's around somewhere,” she said. “The head of one of his accounts came in earlier, and I haven't seen him since.”

“Well, do you think we could at least grab something to eat before you force Tegan to entertain your guests?”

Jeremy's mom gave him a look. “Forgive me for wanting to show off the woman that got my son's head on straight.” I cringed at her (obviously purposeful) choice of words. “You two will have plenty of time to eat and enjoy yourselves after you've met a few people. You don't mind, do you, Tegan?”

I felt like a deer caught in headlights. “I...uh...no?”

“See? She's fine. Now, come on. The Johnsons have been talking about their son all night, and I want them to see you with Tegan.”

Jeremy shot me an apologetic look before his mom dragged us both into the party. Over the next hour, I was introduced to dozens of Jeremy's parents' colleagues and church friends. I'd listen to them talk about how amazing they and/or their kids were, and then they would grill me on what I was doing with my life, which led to me stuttering out that I was going to school in the spring before I'd desperately change the subject. At some point, Jeremy and I had gotten separated, and the questioning had gotten a lot worse. I hated being judged like this.

I'd seen Sara floating around the edges of the room, talking to Jack and glancing over at me. I tried to ignore her, for the most part, because being this close without being able to talk to her was starting to drive me crazy, but I was happy that she seemed to be having a better time than I was. 

“I'm so glad I finally got to meet you, Tegan,” some woman said. I think she was Mrs. Wells. “You're exactly how I imagined you. Unique, and still figuring things out.” She let out a laugh. “Sometimes, it takes some of us a little longer to get going in life. My daughter Ashley's more the type that got things figured out really young! I think Jeremy likes having someone he can really...build from the ground up...with.”

“Uh huh.” It was about the thousandth thinly-veiled insult that had been hurled at me that night. “Well, it was really nice meeting you, and-”

“Where are you running off to?” she asked me, letting out an obviously fake laugh. “I want to know all about you and your family. What do your parents do? Do you have any siblings? Are they as...free-spirited as you are?”

I wished that I could grab a drink off of one of the trays floating around the party. “No, I'm an only child. My dad is an accountant. My mom is a lawyer.”

She got a concerned look on her face. “Oh, you probably didn't get a lot of attention with your mom working all the time like that. See, this is why you can't blame yourself for ending up at that camp with Jeremy. It's really their fault.”

I walked away without another word. I'd have to apologize to Jeremy if it got him in trouble, but I needed a break. I searched the restrooms until I found one in the hotel that was empty. I put my hands on the sink and took a few deep breaths to try to calm down.

“Just another hour. Just one more hour-”

I jumped a little when I heard the door open, but smiled when I saw it was Sara. 

“I saw you run off,” she said, walking to me. I turned to face her, and she put her hands on my sides. “Looks like you're having a shitty night.”

“I'm starting to regret agreeing to this.” I sighed. “You having fun?”

She shrugged. “It's not terrible, but I'm just trying to pass the time.” Her hands moved to my hips, and she moved even closer to me. Her gaze dropped from my eyes to my lips, then settled on my neck. I tried to ignore the attention; I couldn't do anything about it right now.

“Tell me about it. I'm counting down the minutes until these people leave and we can party. They've got me so pissed off, which is stupid. It's not like I'll ever see them again, and-”

My sentence ended in a whimper when Sara attached her mouth to my neck. One of her legs went between mine, and I bit my knuckles to keep quiet. She pushed her hand under my shirt and ran her fingers over my nipple.

“Sara...wait...” She started undoing the button on my pants as she hit a spot on my neck that stole my words.

“I don't want to wait anymore,” she panted out between kisses and bites. She moved her hands to my ass and pulled me harder against her leg. “Don't make me wait. Let me touch you.”

I rolled my hips a few times in response to her words. She pulled her leg away and pushed a hand into my underwear, going straight to my clit.

“Sara, someone could...fuck....someone could walk in.”

Sara groaned before stepping away from me and shoving me into the handicapped stall. As soon as she got the door latched, she pulled my pants down to my ankles, then slipped her fingers inside of me. Her mouth went to my ear.

“I missed you, Tegan.” She was fucking me hard and fast, her palm slapping and grinding into my clit. She nibbled on my earlobe before giving it a sharp bite. “I don't care what I have to do, or where we have to sneak off to, but I'm fucking you all night tonight.”

“Yesss...” I hissed out. I was practically bouncing on her hand.

“But I couldn't wait until later. I needed to make you cum at least once.” Her hand went even faster, and she giggled into my ear. “I can make you beg for it later.”

This wasn't going to take long...as usual.

She kissed me, her tongue immediately coming in contact with mine. My hands alternated between pulling on her hair and grabbing at the back of her shirt. Sara hadn't lost any of her knowledge of my body in our time apart. It was almost like we'd never stopped doing this. 

The door to the bathroom opened, and Sara and I froze. I grabbed her wrist and pulled her out of me, biting my lip so I wouldn't make a sound. A few more people walked in after that, chatting to each other as I held Sara close. Ten minutes passed as people filtered in and out before we finally felt the room go still. Sara tried to slip her hand back into my pants, but I stopped her.

“We have to run out before someone else comes in,” I said. 

Sara let out a quiet moan. “Why? I can be quick, and we can leave after.” She leaned in and started kissing my neck again.

“We can't risk getting caught,” I groaned. I gave her a kiss, which was almost a bad idea, because it got heavier than it was supposed to, but I pulled away. “Later. I promise, later.”

Sara stepped away from me. “This just keyed me up more, y'know.”

I shrugged and smirked. “Guess I'll have to make it up to you later.” I walked past her and out of the room.

The rest of the party was a little easier. Jeremy was able to stay with me the whole time and deflect rude questions, and I was pretty distracted by wanting to drag Sara into one of the hotel rooms and let her finish what she'd started. The looks she was giving me from across the room only made those feelings worse. The hour passed, and I watched as people started to filter out.

“It was so nice seeing you again, Tegan,” Jeremy's dad told me in his first appearance of the  
night...right before he was leaving. “Send your parents my regards.”

“Yes, dear, thank you for humoring me while I showed you around.” Jeremy's mom said it like I'd had a choice in the matter. She turned to Jeremy. “Your father got the chance to speak at a political event, so we'll be gone until next weekend.”

“Alright,” Jeremy said, barely paying any attention to his mother's words. “I'll see you then. Bye.”

“Don't do anything embarrassing, Jeremy. God knows how our name has taken a hit because of your foolishness and inability to keep private matters private.”

Jeremy laughed in her face. “Mother, just go before the wine goes to your head anymore than it already has.”

She gave him a tight smile. “We could always just end these parties when we leave, dear.”

“Yes, and I'm sure making your son a social pariah who can't throw a party will do wonders for our public family image.”

The air was thick around the two of them, but it broke as they both dropped into fake laughter. What the fuck was happening?

“Alright, well I'll see you in a week, Jeremy,” his mom said, kissing him on the cheek and pulling his dad away. Jeremy waved and smiled until they'd left sight.

“Fucking bitch,” he mumbled under his breath.

“Sorry,” I said to him. “You alright?”

“I'm fine,” he said. “It's not like I love them, anyway.”

It was crazy hearing him say it so casually.

Jack and Sara walked up to us, and Jack immediately pulled Jeremy into a hug.

“You alright?” Jack asked. “I know your mom probably said something terrible.”

“Eh, she was nicer because Tegan was here,” he said, but he still held Jack a second longer before letting go. That had been nicer? “Did you see if they'd started setting up?”

Jack pointed to some guys moving in equipment and boxes. “They started about five minutes ago. And I think your parents were the last of the boring people.”

“Perfect,” Jeremy said, a smirk on his lips. “Let the real party begin.”


End file.
